The Party of the First Part

Available here.

Part 21

Christmas Collaboration

"How was the press this time?" Thom asked, unpacking the suitcase in front of him, separating the lights and darks into the piles of growing laundry behind him.
Jonny was sprawled out on the bed. "Exhausting," he said. "I've grown somewhat accustomed to the banality of journalists from weekly music magazines, but I think these journalists that write about classical music make even the worst of the others look like gold. If I didn't know any better, I would think that classical music was only listened to by a bunch of snobby people. And they asked the same questions over and over again. I sometimes wonder if these people actually listen to music or if they just talk about it all the time."
Jonny continued chattering on, happy to be back home.
Thom interrupted. "What are these?" he said coldly. With two fingers only, he was holding out a pair of Christmas boxers with cartoon reindeer. "These aren't yours and where did they come from?" Thom was glaring.
Jonny froze, his eyes locked on the garish green and red colors.
"They were a gift. From Sharona." Jonny said quickly without looking at Thom, "I like the graphic print."
"Uh-huh" Thom said skeptically, "your Israeli wife gave you a pair of Christmas boxers?"
Jonny sat up and took them from Thom, tossing them quickly into the dirty laundry pile. "Yes, well, she knows I like Christmas."
"Jonny, that was not smooth at all. Why don't you tell me who really gave you the boxers?" Thom replied.
Jonny started fidgeting with the edge of the pillowcase. "They're mine."
"I know they're yours now, I was wondering who gave them to you."
Fidget, fidget. "No one."
"If you're going to be like that, I'm leaving."
"Be like what?"
"Like a cheating whore."
"Takes one to know one."
"I knew it! What's her name?"
"I thought you were leaving."
"I am." And Thom stormed out of the room. He slammed the bedroom door shut, stamped his feet to the front door, wished Jonny hadn't decided to randomly only use 3 out of the 5 deadbolts on the door, finally wrenched the door open and slammed it shut behind him. He got into his car and fumed for a few minutes. He saw Jonny's front door open and the rational part of his brain - the part that wasn't absolutely furious with Jonny for whatever he had or hadn't done - was hoping that Jonny was coming out to apologise or say something to make it all better. It was their pattern. Thom angrily hit the window down button. "What" he growled.
Jonny was standing on the porch, arms crossed. "It wasn't a her," he said and with a swish of his hair he walked back into his house.

At this, Thom struggled to detach himself from his car, not bothering to turn off the ignition before slamming the door shut and darting back into the house, finding Jonny just as he was about to climb the stairs to his room. Turning him around roughly, he pulled him back down onto the floor and pinned him against the wall. He knew Jonny could throw him off without even trying, but the fear in his eyes gave him confidence that he would remain standing on solid ground.
"What do you mean it's not a her?" he growled through clenched teeth and Jonny, shaking off the momentary fear he felt, glared back.
"If it's not a her then it's obviously a he." he snapped. "You know the difference between men and woman, don't you?"
Thom shook his head furiously. "Okay, so that was a dumb question. Who is he, then? What's his name so I can look him up and kick the shit out of him!"
Jonny rolled his eyes. "Thom, he's 6'5", I highly doubt - "
"FUCKING ED?!" Thom roared, releasing his grip on the other man and pushing himself away. Slowly, Jonny peeled away from the wall, running a hand up his arm self-consciously, eyes locked on the floor.
"I-I was going to tell you, I swear. It was an honest mistake, Ed...h-he thought it meant something and...the boxers...drinking and...I don't know. Please, can we just sit down and talk about this?"
"Talk about what exactly - the fact that you can't keep your cock in your pants or the fact that you can't keep it out of a man's ass. There are two issues there."
"I know. I fucked up. What am I going to tell Sharona?"
"How about 'I am a lying cheating whore?' That seems like a good place to start."
"I didn't mean for this to happen."
"Of course not. You're little perfect Mr. Jonny Greenwood," Thom said sarcastically.
Jonny didn't say anything. After a pause, Thom continued:
"And when the fuck did you decide that you liked fucking men?"
"Why does it matter to you?" Jonny asked.
"It doesn't."
"Seems like it matters."
"I told you it doesn't."
"Fine, it doesn't matter to you. But what am I going to do?" Jonny walked over and sat on the couch. "She's going to hate me." He buried his head into his hands.
"Maybe you shouldn't tell her."
"How can I not?"
"Well, who knows? You, Ed, me ... anyone else?"
"Not unless Ed told anyone."
"He probably didn't, but we'll need to find out for sure. So unless one of us tells her, she'll never find out. Now the question is, what are you going to do for me so I don't tell?"
Jonny looked at Thom. "What?" He was bewildered. "You're my friend, we've known each other for years ... my best friend ... I shouldn't have to do anything for you to not tell."
Thom shrugged. "Maybe. But that was before you started whoring yourself out to Ed." Thom unzipped his trousers. "And I know what I want."
Jonny shook his head. "I don't ... you don't ..."
"I think you do. And you will."
"Let's go upstairs at least."
"Here and now."
"But Sharona could be home any minute!"
"Then you'd better hurry up."
"Or the bathroom - we can lock the bathroom!"
"Now. And if you're worried about an incriminating mess, I suggest you swallow."

***

Thom left the house a short while later. He jumped in his car and drove through some side streets and parked on the street in front of an older house. Grabbing the Christmas boxers where he had thrown them on the passenger seat, he walked up to the front door and knocked loudly. The door was opened a few short moments later.
"Edward John O'Brien," Thom said icily. "This was not part of the fucking plan." Thom threw the boxers at Ed and walked inside like he owned the place. "Did you think I wouldn't find out?"
Ed closed the door behind him and followed Thom to the living room.
"Yeah, I was going to tell you about that. Sorry ... can I offer you a drink or something?"
"Yes," Thom replied and they both walked to the kitchen.
If Ed had hoped to change the subject, it wasn't working.
Thom continued in the same icy tone, "Do you want to explain when exactly you decided to sleep with Jonny?"
Ed continued to make their drinks and didn't look up at Thom. "Well, we started as we had planned. Just me and Jonny, having a couple of drinks together. We were originally supposed to meet at the pub, but I was running late and Jonny just came straight here and then it was raining so we decided to have a couple of drinks here - "
Thom cut him off. "Do you think this is helping your case?"
"I'm getting there, damn it! Well, we started talking about relationships and stuff. And I brought up the time that we caught him with that other boy before rehearsal - just like you had suggested - and then I asked him if he might still fancy boys and one thing lead to another and we were drinking - I mentioned we were drinking, right? - and then he was kissing me and then, well, I guess you know the rest." Ed handed Thom his drink. "I swear I didn't mean for it to happen."
"What would you do if you were me? You trust one of your best friends to talk to one of your other best friends and you betrayed everything our friendship meant for a shag. How would you feel if I shagged Colin?"
"But you have shagged Colin."
"That's not my fucking point and you know it. I haven't fucking shagged Colin in a long fucking time and definitely not since we came up with this plan. The plan - which was just as much your idea as mine - I talk to Colin and see if might be interested in you and you talk to Jonny and see if he's at all interested in me. It's the world's easiest plan and yet you found a way to fuck it up."
Thom sat down at the table. "Fuck!" he said to his drink. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

***

Colin was busy re-arranging his books when the phone rang. Which a sigh he stepped over the piles he had laid out according to size, thickness, colour, subject and anything else he could think of. This is how he spent his afternoons when he wasn't playing with the band or shovelling the laneway. He snatched the shrieking contraption off its cradle and put on his best "I'm so glad to hear from you" voice before answering with an overly excited "Hello?"
"Cozzie, I'm so confused!" Jonny cried out from the other end. Colin rubbed his eyes.
"Jonny, we've been through this. You wash the lights and the darks seperately."
"It's not that! I made a horrible mistake and now Thom is mad at me becauseIsleptwithEdafterwehadafewdrinks and and ThomthinksI'macheatingwhoreandhegotallupsetandthenhe he he - "
"Woah, slow down. You slept with Ed?"
Jonny swallowed thickly. "After a few drinks, yeah. I didn't mean to, honestly."
"Jonny!" Colin said, pained. "This was not how we were going to do things!"
"I know, Colin. I'm sorry."
"You were supposed to talk to him - "
"I know."
"and you were supposed to bring me up -"
"I know."
"and see what he got me for Christmas!"
"I know!"
"You weren't supposed to sleep with him!"
"I fucking know, Colin!" Jonny whimpered. "Please, just tell me what to do, because I have no idea, and you always know what to do."
"Well, first things first. Did you find out what Ed is getting me?"
"Oh, yeah ... he's getting you a bong." Jonny paused. "Sorry, typical Ed."
"Oh." Colin sounded disappointed. "Well, that's probably what Ed would consider a really nice gift, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. Of course. That's like the Ed equivalent of a dozen red roses."
Colin sighed.
Jonny continued, trying to make Colin feel better. "But he talked about how it took him forever to find a 'rainbow bong.'"
"EEEEEEEECH" Colin screamed his typical girly scream. "A RAINBOW BONG!!?"
"Er, yes," Jonny agreed. He hated when people talked about rainbows. He didn't see what was so great about them.
"nononono!" Colin explained. "My first bong - back when I was 16 - was a rainbow bong. We loved that thing. Ed accidentally broke and promised to get me a new one. I can't believe he remembered after all these years."
"You smoked marijuana when you were 16? I'm so telling mum."
"Jonny, you were smoking with us."
"Oh, yeah."
"So that must mean that Ed, you know, cares about me. A lot."
"Yes. Of course. Sounds like he found you the perfect gift."
"So do you think the signed copy of the rare Kings of Leon's album, a new blazer and edible underwear is enough for me to give to him? I should probably find some more stuff, right?"
"I think that's more than enough. Why don't you just ask him to stick the bong up your ass?"
"That's a very interesting idea."
"Ew! You're so perverted. I'm hanging up on you now."
"No, wait! Stop!" Colin hollared and he heard Jonny let out a huff of breath. "Don't you want to know what Thom got you for Christmas?"
"I don't really care at this point." Jonny mumbled but Colin ignored him.
"I think he got you a banjo."
Jonny's breath hitched. "A banjo? But why, Thom hates banjos!"
Colin shrugged, then remembered he was on the phone. "Erm, I guess all those years you've been bugging him about it he's finally willing to give in. That's a big feat you know, Thom Yorke never gives in."
On the other end of the phone, the younger Greenwood was attempting to keep himself composed, which was hard now that excitement was boiling up in his stomach. Thom finally gave in! It took more than a decade but finally Jonny would have his banjo and he could sit on the front porch in a rocking chair and pluck out as many obscure country songs if his heart so desired. (Thankfully, it didn't).
Colin rolled his eyes and decided they had more important matters to discuss, such as Jonny. Sleeping with Ed. And what exactly they were going to do about it.
"Anyway, that's not the point. I want to know what happened" Colin continued.
"What," Jonny snapped, "I already told you everything. We were wasted and what happened happened. End of the story. I don't think you want to know all the details, now, do you?"
"Was it good?" Colin said bitterly, even though he didn't want that question answered.
Jonny was getting annoyed.
"Well, for your information, Ed is the best shag ever. That's probably because he's SO big and he does things with his tongue, you would never imagine" he replied. "And he's never tired. I stopped counting how many times we did it after the sixth..."
Colin grimaced. "You filthy little slut!"
"You asked me." said Jonny flatly.
"Who initiated it?"
Jonny remained silent.
"I knew it. I fucking knew it! I bet you did that... that look! That one fucking look you do with your fucking eyes! Your fucking fuck-me-hard look!"
"Colin..."
"Shut it. You know you start thinking with your cock as soon as you drink, why did you even take the risk?"
"Look, I'm sorry, ok? Sorry. And remember I never said anything about you shagging Thom!"
"We were in our teens, Jonny. Back then you didn't even know what 'blowjob' meant. Though looking at your front teeth, it seems it's no longer the case..."
"Indeed. And I performed a few of them no later than yesterday on your precious Edward..."
Colin cursed loudly, and Jonny decided it was time to stop teasing him. Teasing was a euphemism, he thought to himself.
"Ok, listen to me. I tell you, it didn't mean anything; I guess we were just horny and a bit bored. And besides, you might like to know that at some point he said something like 'I wonder if your brother kisses like you' but I was pissed so I didn't really notice."
Colin held his breath, full of hope. "He did?"
"He did. Are you still mad at me?"
"Only a little."
"Want a blowjob too so I can make you forgive me?"
"You're disgusting, Jonny."
"You don't know what you're missing out, I've become really good at this"
"Whore. You'd rather help me find a way to talk to Ed..."
"You don't need to talk; just keep your mouth open and everything will work out."
"Oh, that's really refined, Jonny. Thanks for your help" Colin sighed.
"No prob."

***

A few days later, everyone had gathered back at the studio to start preparations for a webcast. Setting up equipment along the presence of Phil, Stanley and Nigel was enough to keep the drama to a minimum, for a short while.
At the first opportunity, Colin cornered Jonny away from everyone else. Jonny was still annoyed from their previous conversation.
"Finally decided that you want to see what you've been missing out on?" Jonny asked Colin, eying Colin's crotch. "I think Thom and Ed would tell you that I come (snicker) highly recommended."
"You fucking whore. Wait - when did you give Thom a blowjob?"
"Well, I ... ummm ... it's not like I wanted to," Jonny said, avoiding the question.
"What do you mean you didn't want to?" Colin said, his mood shifting from annoyed to overprotective in an instant.
Jonny realized he had said the wrong thing. "No, you misunderstood me?"
"Yes, you wanted to; no, you didn't."
"I didn't right then, but it's not like didn't want to, really."
At that point, Thom chose the worst moment in the history of worst moments to walk by.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER?!!" Colin yelled at Thom, gathering the attention of the rest of the group. Colin gathered up all of his strength and lightly punched Thom on the shoulder.
"OW!" Thom yelped. "THAT WHORE WAS ASKING FOR IT." He gave Colin a small shove. "AND NOW YOU ARE. BITCH."

"What the fuck is that about?" Nigel asked from the other side of the room. "Who did what to who?"
Stanley looked around asked if they were all on Candid Camera.
Phil, who had been paying more attention, explained that "I think Colin's mad at Thom for something about a blowjob?"
"Yeah, Jonny's great at blowjobs," Ed said nodding enthusiastically and without thinking.
"I just threw up a little in my mouth," Phil said.
"I KNOW YOU'RE FILMING" Stanely said, staring off a corner. "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME."
"I think they're really going to fight!" Nigel said, his attention drawn back to Colin and Thom.
"20 quid says that Thom wins," Phil said, pulling out his wallet.
Nigel pulled a couple of bills from his wallet and threw them on the table. "Well, I've got 20 quid says Colin wins."
Ed was studying the scene. "I've got 50 pounds that says that Thom's going to resort to hair pulling first."
"Double or nothing, Colin pulls hair first," Phil said, pulling out more money.
Nigel pulled the rest of the money out of his wallet. "I think Colin's going to use fingernails."
Jonny, who had been pacing near the fighters, came running ("he prances" Ed thought to himself).
"Someone do something," he pleaded. "They're going to kill each other."
"Fuck that," Nigel said. "I've got money on this fight. Let 'em go at each other."
"Please," Jonny whined.
"Fine," Ed said, getting up. "I'll break this up."
"I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIKENESS ON ANY SYNDICATED PROGRAM" Stanley yelled towards a bookshelf.
Colin and Thom were glaring at each other, breathing heavily and ready to strike at any second when Ed sauntered up to them, reaching Thom first who let out a bark much like a rabid dog, causing Ed to jump backwards away from the pair.
"I'm not going in there, they're going bite my hands off!"
Jonny was watching, scared, throwing glances from Thom to Colin to Ed. "Ed, please!"
"You're a filthy brat, Yorke!" Colin spat suddenly.
"None of this would have happened if it weren't for your whore of a brother!" Thom snarled back, and Colin, belting out his best Xena Battle Cry, attacked in a blur of flailing arms. The two hit the floor with a crash, blocked out by the cheers of the others in the corner, waving their money in the air and shouting suggestions.
"Knee him in the balls, Thom!" Phil called out.
"The head, Colin! Hit him in the head! That's it!" said Nigel.
The scuffling continued in a ball of dust and random limbs, random feral noises managing to leak through the random thumps of heads or knees hitting the floor.
"If your brother just learnt to keep it in his pants -"
"My brother? What about you? If it were up to you, you wouldn't even wear pants!"
"COME OUT, YOU CAN'T HIDE!" Stanley, oblivious to the fight that had broken out on the floor, pushed books aside on the shelf, searching vigorously for the camera crew he was sure existed. "YOU'RE IN THE WALLS, AREN'T YOU?!"
"NO, Thom! Don't pull his hair! Damnit." Phil threw his money to the ground and stamped on it in frustration. "I always bloody lose!"
Ed turned to Nigel, grinning. "Bet you didn't see this when you worked for McCartney."
Nigel stared at him and sighed. "That's cause John Lennon wasn't there."
Meanwhile, Jonny was pacing around his two bandmates tearing at each other, pulling at his own hair.
"Stop it! Stop it!" he shouted in a high-pitched voice "If you don't stop I'm leaving you to join Muse and I swear Matt Bellamy will get a blowjob every single day!"
Thom and Colin froze, just as Thom was going to start biting.
"Blowjobs again!" Phil said, wrinkling his nose. "You're disgusting, Jonny!"
"You wouldn't say that if you'd had one in the past" stated Ed wisely.
"Cut it out, you two" interrupted Jonny. "And before anybody asks, I'm not sucking anybody off today. Stan! There's no bloody camera in the walls! Put that hammer away! Thom, could you please get off my brother now? I don't like seeing you straddling him like that."
"Afraid of getting a boner in front of everybody?" asked Thom, pouting.
"Don't be a jerk to me; I was only joking about Matt."
"Ha!" Colin exclaimed "And what about that time last September?"
Thom's eyes widened. "What?!"
Jonny shot a murderous glance at his brother.
"Oh, bloody hell, I'm fed up with you all" Nigel declared, exasperated. "You're a bunch of whores, that's what you are! I think I'm going to go and ask Coldplay if they need a producer for their next record!"
"Don't be ridiculous Nigel," Ed said calmly, "You'd rather help us and find another ondes martenot player because I'm pretty sure Thom is going to kill Jonny now..."
"I bet thirty pounds that Thom will strangle Jonny" said Phil hopefully, seeing his chance to get his money back.
"Pffft. Forty pounds that Jonny gets stabbed" retorted Stan from the other corner of the room, knocking on the wall to hear if it sounded hollow.
"Shut up; of course I won't kill him, but I'm not kissing him before he does tests certifying he didn't get a horrible disease from Matt. When I think I made him blow me, the mere thought is... urgh"
"For heaven's sake, it was four months ago, and Matt must have a better hygiene than you, Thom" Colin said, rolling his eyes. "And since when do you intend to touch my brother again? Cause that's what you were implying, right?"
Thom grew suddenly serious.
"Cause I like him" he whispered, and he ran out of the room without another word.
"Damnit," Colin groaned, getting up off the floor and brushing the dust from his legs. "Now he's run away."
Nigel piped up from the corner. "Uhm, you guys - "
"Not now, Nigel!"
"But this is really important and I think you should know - "
"Nigel!" Colin barked and the other man's mouth closed, but not for long as soon he was muttering under his breath that he couldn't work in these conditions, and how he couldn't even remember the last time they fed him and why was he always the one who had to comfort Ed when they wouldn't let him play guitar?
Jonny was absolutely furious. "Did he call me fat? Is that what he said?"
"No one called you fat, Jonny," his brother sighed, rubbing his eyes in frustration when he heard a stiffled laugh come from the corner and looked up to find Ed trying to hide a smile. Unfortunately, Jonny heard it as well and let out a pained yelp.
"I am not fat!" he pouted. "Eddie!"
"Oh, God." Phil was looking horrified.
"You didn't think I was fat when I was riding your - "
"Ohhhkaaayyyyy!" Phil waved his hands around and everyone turned to look at him. "Does anybody have any idea what we're going to do about Thom?"
Stanley chose this time to appear from out behind a pile of cardboard boxes. "We could pull out all his beard-hairs one by one, rip off all his clothes and throw paint at him."
"We're not turning Thom into your next arts and crafts project, Stan." Colin said. Stan huffed and Nigel raised his hand.
"What, Nigel? What is it? What is so important that you have to interrupt our discussion?"
"Uhm, we've been on air for the past half hour." he gulped. The others paled.
"What do you mean, we've been on air?" Colin asked, afraid.
Nigel pointed to the cameras they had set up. "I turned it on earlier thinking you guys were going to start playing and forgot to turn it off. The webcast has been running this whole time."
Silence fell upon the room. They remained still for a full minute before Jonny started screaming.
"What the hell are you waiting for, Nigel?" he squealed "Cut the bloody thing off!"
Colin shook his head and started muttering "NME... next week... we're fucked..."
"Calm down; it was streaming yeah, but maybe nobody actually saw it. We didn't warn the fans of the webcast after all" reasoned Phil.
"But they suspected it was coming! What are we gonna do?" Jonny asked with a shaking voice.
"First of all, try not to panick. Jonny, I think you should check the various fansites' message boards. If we're lucky, nobody will have tried to get onto radiohead.tv"
Tripping on the wires scattered across the floor, Jonny headed towards his laptop with the look of someone mounting the scaffold.
Ed ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the nearest amp, awaiting Jonny's verdict.
"So?" Colin asked impatiently.
"A minute," replied Jonny "Atease is so fucking slow! And I don't like this at all. It usually means something huge is going on..."
"May they be excited about the new Oasis DVD"
"Yeah, right. Santa doesn't exist, Ed, did you know that?" Jonny spat.
"Of course he does," interrupted Colin "and he's punishing us because you two," he pointed at Ed and Jonny "have been really bad recently..."
"This is what you get when you mess with him" said Stanley in a sententious tone. Everybody shot him their middle finger.
At this moment, Jonny's cellphone rang. Worried, he fished it from his pocket and hit the answer key.
"Yeah? Oh, it's you..."
The rest of the band watched as Jonny grew pale.
"What the fuck...? Of course no, I'm not joining your band! What were you thinking, you twat! I said that to make Thom and Colin stop fighting!" shouted Jonny.
The others exchanged tense looks.
"No!" Jonny shouted again, making everyone jump "I'm not doing "just the blowjobs then"! No, I won't change my mind! What...? Matt, putting melted chocolate on your cock won't change anything, I'm not doing it! No. Goodbye!"
He hung up and wiped the sweat on his forehead.
"You're lucky that Thom didn't hear this. He would have thrown the mother of all tantrums" Ed said.
"I don't think so; he would rather have been pleased to see Jonny telling Matt to sod off..." objected Colin
"Let's tell him when he comes back," Phil suggested. "Twenty pounds that he chases Jonny around the room!"
"I think that's enough with the bets, Phil!"
"Let's focus on our problem, shall we?" interrupted Jonny. "What are we going to do?"
"Hide for another three years?"
"I wish we could," Colin sighed "But the tour is all planned, we can't cancel it like that, can we? Imagine that; thousands of pissed off fans. They're going to come to Oxford and crowd around the studio. It'll look like Romero's Day of the Dead or something equally horrible..."
"Maybe they won't care at all about this? I mean, maybe we're getting worked up for nothing?"
Nigel sighed. "Ed, it's obvious you've never been onto atease..."
Jonny started reading atease main thread titles:
OMG webcast!!!!!!
thom really needs to shave the beard, like now
WTF is going on with the webcst??
Hoax!!!! I have indispuitble proofs
Petition For Thom To Never Shave Again
Webcast!! OMG!!!!
Webcast!! OMG!!!!
Webcast!! OMG!!!!
Merry Christmas Radiohead
SOMEONE RECORD THE WEBCAST BECAUSE I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES
Rainbows and Radiohead are GAY
WEBCAST!!!
"That's it!" Nigel exclaimed. "We'll just claim this was all a hoax."
Phil understood the plan immediately: "We'll say this was all to prove how much the media will buy anything and how there is no journalistic integrity anymore."
Nigel pointed at Stanley: "Use the worm buffet code to spell out 'of course hoax' or something. Let's get it up on DAS soon."
"Hey - what's Classics?" Jonny asked.

A few hours later, the group was hoping that they had done everything in their power to diffuse the situation.
"Pitchfork already gave us a 10/10," Nigel reported. "They said that it was a spontaneous and highly original way to use the internet and that we've changed every facet of webcasting forever. They're naming 2008 'The Year That Radiohead Changed The World Forever' and it's not even 2008 yet."
"And the NME said they had an 'inside scoop' but they just reused one of Thom's old quotes from a 1997 interview." Colin rolled his eyes.
"This blog has a poll that says that 18% of the responders think that Thom would win a fight, 7% think that Colin would win and the rest think that Jonny's hair is 'really awesome.'"
"I'm going to take a leak" Thom announced, pushing his chair out and walked to the bathroom.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Colin hissed to the group: "What are we going to do about the Thom situation - he practically raped my little brother. He needs to be punished."
"Like exposing all of his deepest darkest personal secrets on a webcast?" Nigel sarcastically offered.
Jonny used his hand to half-hide his face. "Colin, it's fine," he said.
"No it's not," Colin said. "He needs to be humiliated."
"Like, presenting a lifetime achievement award to Green Day?" Jonny suggested.
"I was thinking that he should be forced to be our slave for a day and crawl around on his hands and knees, completely naked, ordered to do our every command. I have plenty of whips and handcuffs that I could supply as well," Colin said.
"You are a dark and twisted person," Stanley said. "I like that."
"I'm giving the lot of you puppy and kitty calendars for Christmas," Phil said.
"Colin, you just need to drop it," Jonny said. "This does not concern you."
The group seemed to be siding with Jonny.
"Fine," Colin said nastily. "I'll drop it." "He left the table and went to look for Thom.

***

Colin found Thom as Thom was leaving the bathroom.
"We're not done," Colin announced to Thom. He grabbed him roughly by the arm and half-dragged him to a large storage room. On one side of the room, piles of discboxes waiting to be dispatched were stacked against the wall.
Colin closed the door and locked it. He stood close to Thom's face.
"You're an insult to the human race," he said, louder than necessary.
"I've apologized to Jonny; I've apologized to you even though it's none of your fucking business. I don't know what else I can do," Thom spat back.
"You think saying 'sorry' will get you out of everything?"
"Fuck you."
Colin lunged at Thom; his attack knocked them both to the floor. They wrestled around for a few minutes. Thom almost had Colin in a headlock when Colin bit Thom in the arm, drawing blood.
"Did you just fucking bite me?" Thom said. His rage gave him a temporary advantage and he pinned Colin below him. He struck Colin's face with his hand and blood started pouring out of Colin's nose.
Colin looked stunned. He wiggled an arm free and winced as he felt his nose. He pulled his hand back and saw the blood, red and wet, covering his fingers.
"You fucker," Colin said. "Let me up."
"So you can bite me again? I think not."
"Let me go!"
"As soon as you can relax and assure me that you're going to chill the fuck out, I'll let you go."
"Fuck you."
"Be that way."
Colin kept trying to squirm his way free, but Thom kept his advantage.
"Did you think of me when you were forcing yourself onto my brother?" Colin asked.
"Like the time I gave you this scar from when we did it in the neighbor's gardening shed?" Thom slid Colin's shirt halfway up and ran his thumb across a faint scar.
"You've always been an opportunistic bastard," Colin said, struggling less.
"If you promise not to hit me, I'll let you up and we can get some ice for your nose."
"Fine." Colin said. He laid perfectly still.
Thom slowly lessened his hold on Colin. As soon as Colin's arms were free, he dragged Thom's face to his and kissed him hard.
Thom hesitated for a moment before struggling to sit up, glaring down at Colin.
"What the hell was that for?"
Colin sneered. "You liked it."
"No, I did not!"
"Well, you're taking my belt off as we speak."
Thom looked down and notice that his hands were, in fact, pulling impatiently at Colin's belt. He didn't remember telling them to do that, why were they doing that? He continued to glare down at Colin as if it was all his fault. "I'll have you know, there is no way you're getting away with that." The buckle came undone with a clink "I'm probably going to get some sort of infection."
"Serves you right." The belt was pulled from it's loops.
"And I'll let Ed write songs before I fuck you again." Colin's fly was undone, jeans pushed off hips and tossed away carelessly.
"You'd better get him a pen and a pad of paper, then." Colin said confidently as his boxers joined the growing pile of clothing and Thom pounced.

***

Back in the studio, the others had grouped around a large table and were sipping at mixed drinks. (Jonny at a glass of chocolate milk) and Ed was standing a little ways off to the side, thrashing about wildly as if he were drowning.
"Jaws!" Phil called out and Ed shook his head.
"It's two words, Phil," Nigel reminded him. "and I think it's Open Water."
"I hate charades." Stanley moped, only to receive a thwack to the back of the head as Ed sat down.
"You're next, freak."
"I refuse to play this game." he crossed his arms and looked away. Ed rolled his eyes.
"You guys," Jonny spoke up, putting his cup down. "I think we should go try and find Cozzie and Thom, before they kill each other."
Nigel had pulled out a deck of cards and began shuffling. "Let them sort it out, one of them is bound to lose their voice sooner or later, after all that shouting."
"Or lose a limb." Phil contributed. "That Thom bites."
"So does Colin." said Ed.
"Yes," Phil nodded. "But Thom has rabies. He's part wolf, you know."
"I must admit that being bitten by Thom is not funny at all" Ed said sternly
"How d'you know that?" Jonny said, frowning.
"I had an argument with him about a setlist once. He didn't want to play Paranoid Android"
Phil nodded. "I was there; when I said Ed was right, he just bit him, out of nowhere. I bet his mother used to let him bite customers at the grocery store when he was a child, he's never lost the habit..."
"Holy hell, we'd better make sure my brother is okay..."
"Fine, but I'm taking thick leather gloves first, in case I have to touch him..."
"Maybe you could use a stick," Phil suggested "like they do for snakes, you know."
"But Thom doesn't have venom in his teeth"
"Or so you think, Jonny. Let's go."

***

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Thom was lying on the floor, leaning back against the wall. Colin had placed his hands on either side of his head, on the cold tiles, and was riding him shamelessly. Holding him firmly by the hips, Thom was matching his movements and pounding hard into him.
"So..." Colin panted, "What do you think... ooh, yes, Thom, just like that... wha' d'you think... Ed's first song... will be about?"
Thom tried to catch his breath. "About... oh, god... about screwing up sexy bassists, I hope" he replied with difficulty, as Colin quickened his rhythm, knocking the air out of him. "He likes you, by the way" he added, his right hand now trailing from Colin's hip to his cock. Colin cried out as Thom started stroking him, and Thom pulled him into a deep kiss to muffle the noise.
"I knew it," Colin said hoarsely when they pulled away. "but right now... please Thom, harder!... I don't... really care...'fter all... fucked my brother..."
He threw his head back and clenched his teeth. He was feeling himself nearing climax when he heard footsteps in the corridor.
Having heard it too, Thom managed to whisper, "Did you hear that?" his head turning towards the door and Colin moaned in response. "Damnit, Colin! Listen!"
On the other side of the door, Jonny turned to Ed, who shrugged. "Just open it. They might be unconscious."
"I hope they're not bleeding, I can't stand the sight of blood." Jonny shivered and Ed sighed, pushing him away.
"Here, I'll fucking do it." he grabbed the door handle and turned it. The door didn't open. "I think it's locked."
"Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" Thom struggled to get out from under Colin, who wasn't helping in the least bit. Instead he had started riding even harder. "Stop...fucking...squirming!" he said through clenched teeth.
"Get off me, then!"
Jonny shook his head. "The lock is broken on that one, you just have to give it a shove." Ed turned back to the door and did as Jonny said, the door opening with a thump. Ed's arm fell down against his side and the two stood gapping at the scene infront of him. Thom was mid-struggle, attempting to pull up his jeans and Colin was still ontop of him, slumped lazily against the wall.
"Just what the hell is going on here?" Ed bellowed and Jonny whimpered out that it would have been better if they had been bleeding before he ran off with a sob.
"Now look what you did!" Ed turned back to the pair. Thom had managed to push Colin onto the floor, yank up his trousers and was now scrambling to his feet. "You two are the most unbelievable pair of people I have ever met. One minute you're about to tear each other throats out and the next you're shagging on a bathroom floor!"
"Thom's very confused." Colin nodded in agreement and received a death-glare from him.
"You're the one who came onto me!"
Stanley, after hearing the commotion, had wandered into the hallway and was now standing next to Ed with a blank look on his face. "Colin, I believe your trousers have fallen off."
"Look, I don't care who started it, just...God," Ed shook his head in disgust. "This is the worst Christmas ever."
"Listen, Ed, he undressed me and-"
"Wanker! I undressed you because you fucking kissed me!" Thom snarled.
"Because you started talking about the time we were shagging"
Ed covered his ears with his hands. "Enough! Enough! You two are impossible! What am I still doing here with you?"
"Yeah, I was wondering, too" Thom retorted "What band on earth needs three guitarists anyway?"
Ed wasn't expecting Thom's nasty remark. Even Colin seemed suddenly struck by lightning. They had had more than a few serious arguments about this issue and none of them could believe Thom had dared to bring up the subject again.
Ed felt like punching Thom square in the face and maybe make his eyes finally match, but he knew this wouldn't lead anywhere.
"You want me to quit? Fine. I quit." he said icily, turning on his heels.
Thom and Colin watched him leave, speechless. Then Colin turned to Thom, his face black with anger.
"Very well done Thom! Why d'you have to fuck things up constantly?"
"This would never have happened if you had not kissed me in the first place!"
"YOU started talking... oh, fuck that. Let's go and try and fetch Ed. Maybe he hasn't left yet..."
Colin walked out the bathroom, and Thom followed in silence.

***

"Where's Ed?" Colin asked as he came back into the main room. Nigel and Phil looked at him glumly. Colin looked away and his eyes fell on his brother, sitting on a wooden chair and sobbing openly. Thom approached Jonny and put a hand on his shoulder, but Jonny shrugged it off violently.
"Don't touch me! It's your fault! He left and it's your fault!"
"I'm sorry! I- I didn't want that, I just wanted him to stop talking and-"
Jonny let out a bitter laugh "Ha! If someone needs to shut the fuck up here it's YOU!"
"See, Thom? I told you you had a gift for spoiling things"
"Shut your fucking face, Coz. You're as responsible for this mess as he is!" he spat, tears still running down his cheeks. He took his head in his hands and muttered. "I hate you."

Colin whimpered, "You don't mean that." Jonny merely sniffed.
"Okay," Thom let out a defeated sigh. "I'm going to go look for Ed and try and talk to him."
Colin turned to him "What makes you think he's going to listen to you?"
"He might not listen to me, but he'll probably listen to you."
"But - "
"Colin."
"Fine." he mumbled. "But I hope you have some devious plan up your sleeve, because I doubt he's going to come willingly."

***

Ed hadn't left yet. Instead, he wandered angrily into the forest, muttering under his breath the whole time. He felt unappreciated and disgusted and - and confused. And he didn't like feeling so many things at once when he was so used to having one emotion - high. Spitting angrily, he sat down on a fallen log, pulling out a joint and lighting it. He wasn't far into the woods, had he turned around he would have still been able to see the house through the trees, and he would have seen the two figures step out from the back door. After a moment or two of staring off at nothing, inhaling and exhaling smoke, he got up and absentmindedly wandered deeper into the trees.

Barely two steps away from the back door and Thom and Colin had started bickering again about which direction to look in; neither of them had noticed the tracks leading into the woods. Colin called Thom a "whiney prat" and was given a face-full of cold snow.
"You think this is fun and games, Colin?" he asked. "What if we don't find him, then what?"
Colin brushed the remaining snow off his face and sighed. "We'll find him. For once in your life, Thom, try to be optimistic."
"Hey," Thom interrupted, pointing at the forest "there he is."
"Fine. Let's go and talk to him. I hope you have your apologies ready, smartarse."
"Gimme a fucking break, Coz."
They walked to the spot where Ed was sitting in silence, approaching him from behind. Ed heard them coming closer, but didn't turn around. Thom cleared his throat.
"Hey..."
Ed remained silent. Thom planted himself in front of him, but Ed refused stubbornly to look up.
"Listen, I know I fucked up. I should never have done that. It was stupid, and childish and... and not even true. I mean, of course we need you! We're five in the band, that makes our sound richer than other bands, and if you weren't there, who would do the backup vocals? Phil's voice is not as great as yours, Jonny lisps too much, and Colin sings SO out of tune he would just destroy the songs-"
"Hey!" Colin protested "Don't go too far!"
"-and all the effects and stuff, you know..." Thom continued, ignoring Colin's intervention "I'm really really really sorry..."
Silence.
"Ed... say something" Thom pleaded. Ed glared at him and spoke up.
"I don't know what's the worst here. The fact that you hurt me -again- or the way you used to get back at Jonny and me for having slept together... And you," Ed said, turning his gaze to Colin "you're no better than him. You're just the same kind of depraved pervert; you wanted to beat the shit out of him, how the fuck did you end up with his cock up your arse?"
"Let's say it's just hard to resist him; at least as hard as resisting Jonny. It doesn't show, but they're just a pair of sluts - do I need to remind you Jonny sucked off half the people in rock that are about our age?"
"What? I thought he was closer to 75%" Thom said in a mock surprised tone. Colin let out a short laugh, glad to see that Thom was doing his best to lighten things up.
"I'm really sorry. Thom is a great fuck, but I've always liked you, I promise..."
Thom chuckled and sat on Ed's lap, throwing his arms around Ed's neck.
"Now I can be your slut too if you want to get back at Coz" he said playfully, obscenely licking his upper lip with the tip of his tongue. Ed couldn't help but smile at this.
"That won't be necessary, but thanks anyway. Keep that kiss for Jonny, yeah?"
"Yeah, Jonny... or anyone else the slut Colin says I am will feel like doing."
"Good," Colin beamed. "Now that we've got that settled. Erm, Thom...mind if I have a word with Edward?"
Thom stared blankly at the two of them and Colin's eyebrows raised. "Alone?"
"Huh?" Thom blinked. "Oh, yeah. Sure Coz, I'll erm, just go back inside I guess." and he waved to them both, turning on his heels and heading back towards the house, unable to avoid hearing a dangerous growl escape a throat and the sound of bodies tumbling over a fallen log.

***

Nigel had just managed to calm everyone down when the back door flew open and in stepped Thom. He let out a sigh, glancing at Jonny, who's eyes were still red from crying. "Well, there goes all that, then."
"I'm fine, Nigel. Thank you." Jonny sniffed, pulling his knees up under his chin. "Where's Cozzie?"
"Erm," Thom looked around a the group of them. "He and Ed are...talking...in the woods."
Phil arched an eyebrow. "Talking..."
"Yeah."
"In the woods..."
"Yep. Having a chit-chat in the old woods." Thom nodded. "Anyway, do you guys mind? I have to speak with Jonny."
From his angle on the chair, Jonny couldn't see that Thom was holding something behind his back. Stanley, however, noticed and left the room immediately. With a shrug, the others followed and the two were left alone. Cautiously, Thom moved away from the door, attempting to keep the object concealed until he was standing infront of his friend, who looked away angrily.
"Jon, please. I bought you something. It's your Christmas present."
"I don't want it."
"Yes, you do."
His brow furrowed, though he still wasn't looking at Thom. "How dare you think that you can just buy my forgiveness. I don't want it."
Thom plucked one of it's strings from behind his back and could almost see Jonny perk up at the noise, so he did it again. "Are you suuuure, Jonny?"
"Yes." he said, though Thom was unconvinced.
"Are you positive?"
"Uhm..."
Grinning, Thom held the instrument out infront of him and Jonny finally turned his attention towards him.
The banjo he was holding looked expensive, and of the best quality. It was hard to resist when Thom had such an argument. He was grinning at Jonny, highly amused to see him struggling not to reach out and seize the instrument. Jonny finally folded his arms and tucked his hands under his armpits.
"Take it back where you found it. I said I didn't want it" Jonny snapped impatiently.
"Listen, Jonny, don't do that, I'm sorry. Please. I wish nothing had happened."
"You're always sorry..." he hissed. He got up, ready to leave.
"I mean it; and to prove you how sorry I am, I'm ready to..." he breathed in deeply before carrying on "to let you play it on our next record."
Jonny knew how much it cost to Thom to give in, and he softened immediately. He gave the offer the thought it needed.
"The permission to play the banjo in exchange for my forgiveness?"
"Well, yeah, basically that's it..."
"Agreed." Jonny smiled, taking the instrument from Thom's hands and putting it down on the chair he had just vacated. He extended his hand but instead of a handshake, Thom pulled Jonny towards him. He leaned in and, standing on tiptoe, placed his lips gently against Jonny's full ones, savouring their softness and the warmness of Jonny's breath.

***

Meanwhile, in the woods, Ed and Colin weren't talking anymore. For the first time they had managed to speak to each other directly. Awkwardly at first, but it had not lasted long. Colin was now sitting on Ed's lap with his back pressed against his chest. Ed's arms were wound around Colin's waist and he was nibbling at the delicate skin of his neck. Colin's eyes were closed, and his head was tilted to allow Ed a better access; he could have stayed like this forever. However, he couldn't help but worry about his brother.
"Hey"
"Mmm? What is it, Cozzie? You want me to stop?" Ed whispered against Colin's neck.
"Jesus no," Colin sighed "But I think we should go back inside and check on Thom and Jonny... before Jonny threatens to leave the band, too."
Ed gently bit Colin's neck one last time and pulled away.
"I guess you're right. Let's go." he agreed, getting up.
He put his arm around Colin's shoulders and they started walking back to the house slowly.
"You know, Ed..."
"Yeah...?"
"I haven't visited the first floor of this house yet. So if Thom and Jonny are fine - or at least, not killing each other - how about taking a look at the bedrooms upstairs?" Colin said, glancing mischievously at Ed.
"Sounds like the best plan ever to me." Ed replied, grinning. "Thom and Jonny should better not be fighting..."
They heard a loud shriek as they approached the back door of the house and Colin sighed. "Damnit, why can't everyone just get along?" When they stepped inside, Jonny had pinned a giggling Thom to the floor and was tickling him everywhere he could reach. He looked up when his brother and Ed entered, cheeks blushing.
"Er, hi." he said and Colin blinked, surprised.
"Oh, so...you guys aren't fighting, then?"
"Yes!" Thom gasped, out of breath. "Get him off me! Jonny, your knees are boneyOW!"
"Say it!" Jonny leaned over, growling.
"Never!"
Gently, Ed nudged Colin away from the scene and the two of them vacated the room, hearing Thom wheeze out "The banjo is the great - Jonny, I caaantOUCH, stop pinching me!" They climbed the stairs up to the first level and Colin tugged Ed into the first bedroom he saw, pinning him against the door to shut it and reached up, pressing his lips against his neck.
"Cozzie, this room is full of boxes."
"We'll make a fort later, Ed. Right now I don't care so kiss me, damnit!" he pulled backwards, past the piles of boxes and stumbled onto the bed against the far wall, Ed toppling down ontop of him and planting kisses over his face.
"It even smells like boxes," he muttered around Colin's lips and felt teeth bite down gently.
"If you don't shut up about boxes I'm going to blindfold you."
Ed grinned mischievously at this. "This one time, I found a box in an alley-way..."

***

"Okay, now saaaaay, 'I am Thom Yorke and IIIII...uhm...smell like cheese'."
"Jonny - "
"Thom, you don't want me to leave the band, do you?" Jonny asked, pulling off his best wounded-puppy-dog look. Thom sighed.
"I am Thom Yorke, and I smell...like cheese."
Jonny broke into a fit of giggles and Thom sat up off the floor, glaring at him. "This could be considered abuse, you know."
"I'll make it up to you." Jonny smiled, leaning in to kiss him when Nigel stomped into the room shouting "You're all a bunch of whores!" He picked up his glass from off the table, holding it out. "I forgot this." and with that he stamped back out of the room muttering under his breath.
"He's just jealous." Jonny whispered.
Thom nodded. "Yeah, and he's going bald."
"Oh, that reminds me." Jonny sat up again, looking down at him. "If you want me to stay in the band, the beard has to go."
Thom ran his hand over the hair on his chin, eyes on the verge of watering. "M-my beard?"
"Yes." Jonny nodded. "All of it. You look like a hobo, Thom."
"I thought it was sexy!"
Jonny visibly shuddered. "Stubble is sexy, we can all deal with stubble. But...not the hobo-beard."
Thom sighed, wiggling his way out from under Jonny, who still had him pinned to the floor, and made his way into the bathroom, the other following him. Once inside, he pulled open a drawer and fished out a package labeled "emergency razor".
"Can I be alone, Jon? Please?" he asked, glancing over to his friend who nodded, stepping back into the hallway and shutting the door behind him.
"Well, it's been fun." Thom said to his reflection. "Guess it's good-bye, then."

***

They lay on their backs, eyes glancing up towards the ceiling and contended sighs escaping their lips. After a few moments of allowing themselves to calm down, Colin came up with an idea and lazily smacked Ed's thigh.
"What was that for?" he asked, pulling the t-shirt that had acted as a blindfold away from his eyes.
"You should roll us a joint." Colin said, stretching. Ed got off the bed and pulled on his jeans. "Where are you going?"
"I have a better idea." he said with a grin. "Wait here."
Darting down the stairs, he almost hit the wall on the opposite side, right where Jonny was sitting, staring at the bathroom door. Ed blinked and Jonny smiled, whispering. "Thom's shaving."
"Really?"
Jonny nodded, grinning. "What should I have him do next?"
"I don't know, I'm sure you can come up with something good." Ed shrugged, moving his way towards the back door to put on his boots. He couldn't wait to see the look on Colin's face when he handed him the rainbow bong.

When he came back from fetching Colin's present from his car, Jonny was still leaning against the wall, staring at the bathroom door as if it were going to explode open at any second. Rolling his eyes, Ed climbed up the stairs and burst into the bedroom. Colin was still lying on the bed, humming loudly and moving his feet to the beat of the song in his head.
"Oh Coozzzieee!" Ed called and Colin looked up.
"What is it, Edddieeee?"
Ed thrust the rainbow bong forward and Colin's eyes lit up.
"Oh, Ed! You really did get me a rainbow bong!" he took it gently from his hands and stroked the sides of it affectionately. Ed blinked.
"What do you mean, 'I really did get you a rainbow bong'?"
Colin hesitated. "Erm, well...me and Jonny had this plan, see. I was going to talk to Thom and find out what he got for Jonny, and...Jonny was going to talk to you, to find out what you were getting for me."
Ed was silent, so Colin continued. "And, well...he told me that you got me this."
"Oh," Ed said, clueing in. "Well, do you like it, Cozzie?"
"I love it!" he grinned, leaning in to kiss Ed on the lips. "Now, get your weed and lets smoke a bowl!"

Downstairs, Jonny was just about fed up with waiting when the bathroom door creaked open and his heart leapt into his throat.
"Thommy?" he asked. "Are you done?"
"It looks weird, Jonny." said a voice behind the door. "It feels weird."
"Oh come on, Thom. I'm sure it looks fine, now come out from there."
The door opened further and out stepped a clean-shaven Thom, eyes averted to the floor. He heard a loud squeal of delight and Jonny flung himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck and dropping kisses on his face. "You look ten years younger!"
"Ehhgh." he groaned.
"You're face is so smooth and soft now!"
"Ehhgh."
"Oh shut up, Thom." Jonny laughed, holding him close. "Now, uhm. You have to come upstairs and...wait out in the hallway while I get your present ready."
"You don't have to give it to me now," Thom said. He kept running his hand over his throat and chin.
"Don't you want to know what it is?" Jonny asked, slightly hurt.
Thom turned back to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. "I think I need a few minutes."

***

"Nachos"
"With lots of cheese"
"And bacon"
"Jalapeños"
"Salsa"
"Sour cream"
"I think it's your turn to go get food," Ed said. "I got the sundaes last time."
Colin lifted his head off Ed's chest and looked at up at him. "Your eyes are all bloodshot."
Ed laughed. He lifted his hand and slowly traced Colin's eyebrow. "So are yours." They both giggled. Colin kissed Ed's chest and pushed himself up. "I'll go make us some nachos."

Colin was busy in the kitchen. He had just decided that peanut butter would probably not be a good addition to the large plate of nachos he was working on when Thom walked in and stood next to Colin. Colin didn't look up and gave Thom a slight nod. It was a moment before Thom spoke.
"Cozzie, I think I've made a huge mistake."
"It's cool; we can just bleach all of your pink stuff back to white. You've just got to remember to double check your whites so that nothing red gets in, though."
"It's not my laundry."
Colin looked up Thom and focused on his chin. "It'll grow back," Colin told him. "Looks great though. Just give yourself some time to get used to it."
Thom self-consciously rubbed in chin. "It's not that."
Colin was confused.
Thom stepped into Colin and Colin could feel Thom hard against his leg. Thom whispered into Colin's ear: "I think I choose the wrong Greenwood. I don't want Jonny; I want you."
Colin was astonished. "Beg your pardon?" he said, taking a step back.
"You heard me. I'm making a mistake."
"Obviously; so now get rid of this hardon and go back to my brother so he can lick your shaven cheeks as much as he wants."
"Coz, it's exactly what I'm talking about! How can I be in love with someone who makes me shave when I don't want to?"
"Try to understand, he doesn't like hair too much."
"Who is he to talk? He has more hair than I have on his chest! The whole world could see that during thumbs_down!" Thom replied, rolling his eyes.
"Ask him to wax, then. What do I care? It's none of my business. Now, if you'll excuse me, Ed's waiting..."
Colin picked up the tray of food.
"No, wait," said Thom, snatching it from Colin's hands and setting it back on the table. "I'm not taking no for an answer. I've chosen, and it's you, full stop."
Colin frowned. "You should have said that when we were fucking in the bathroom; it was a rather appropriate moment, don't you think? But no, once again you decide to be selfish. Oh, yeah, let's get back together, woohoo! What do you think will happen? You just convinced Jonny to forgive you, and he is happy as fuck that you sorted things out. And so is Ed. Do you want to break their hearts again?"
Thom pouted. "I'm not going to ignore my feelings, now, am I?"
"I'm afraid we- you'll have to."
"You said 'we'."
"No I didn't."
"You want me back too."
"Look, Thom," Colin sighed. "Yes, you're sexy. Yes, I want to fuck you. Yes, I'll always have a thing for you considering all the... history we have. But I care about Ed, too. I care about my brother. And I care about the band. So I'm telling you no. We can't. It's not right, get it?"
"They don't need to know." Thom stated coldly. With that he pushed Colin against the nearest wall, pinning Colin's wrists above his head. He crashed his lips onto his and forced his tongue inside Colin's mouth. Thom started grinding into Colin, and to his satisfaction he felt Colin getting hard against him, in spite of his determination to reject Thom.
Thom let one of Colin's wrists go so he could work at getting Colin's trousers off for the second time that day. Colin used his newfound freedom to push Thom back a few steps.
"Thom, no!" Colin said forcefully. "After years and years, we're both about to finally going to be with the people of our dreams. We should try to not fuck it up for once."
"But I want to be with you."
Colin sighed. "No, you don't. We worked when we were young because we were just fooling around and it didn't mean anything. But you've got to face that we're adults now."
"Things were much simpler back then."
"You've fought a long time for Jonny, don't give up now just as everything's about to be great."
"I know. I do love him."
"Then let's not fuck this up."
They heard Ed's voice from the corner of the kitchen: "Are you two quite done?"
Colin and Thom sprang apart and turned towards the voices. Ed was leaning against the door frame and Jonny was standing next to him, a wrapped gift in hand.
"Here's your present, Thom," Jonny said, holding the gift out. "If you still want it."
Thom walked towards Jonny and wrapped him in a huge hug. "I'm a screw up. But I do love you and want to be with you."
"You are a screw up and that's why I want to be with you," Jonny laughed into Thom's hair. They pulled back from each other and Thom took the gift from Jonny's hands.
"What did you get me?" he asked.
"Open it!" Jonny said.
Thom opened the gift and lifted the lid off the box. Inside were a week's worth of boxers, with Thom's initials embroidered on each pair.
Jonny was grinning. "This way, there won't be any other underwear mix ups."
Thom laughed. "I don't know, it's a strange path, but sometimes finding someone else's boxes when doing the laundry can lead to someplace very good."
"That might be true in this case, but I never want to go through this again," Jonny said, leaning over to kiss Thom's cheek.

Counting the Seconds

He eyes me from the corner of the room, pondering whether another a night will make it any worse or if we really need to stop now.

He gets up; he’s made his decision.

He takes my hand, drags me through the door into an empty room and starts kissing me.
His hands lie flat on my black hair, his body is shoving mine into the wall.
I enjoy it, of course I do.

But I’m already thinking about when it will end.
When he’ll button up his shirt and leave the room.

Sometimes he looks back at me with a smile or something on his face that reads “Look what you do to me, look what you make.”

I’ll be on the floor or against the wall still, feeling like a battered housewife.
I should get away before he does. Just once.
But I never do.

He has removes my shirt and is fumbling with my belt. He groans into my neck. His hot breath makes me shiver with anticipation.
He presses into me and we moan. Mine so much softer than his and both together sound so wrong. But I got used to it now and all the nights in bed when I got nothing but the memory of him and the knowledge that he’s sleeping just a few metres away from me, this is exactly the sound I’m thinking of.

I come and I shiver and I’m scared.
Because he’s going to leave now.
And he’s right, too. We shouldn’t be doing this.
He slowly pulls away, steadying his breath. His hands are still on my chest.
“Thom” I says and I’m surprised by the way my voice sounds. It’s firm and not as pleading as I felt the words in my mouth.
He looks surprised but smiles. “Yes?” he asks, leaning in a bit closer.
This new sort of intimacy scares me and excites me at the same time.

“Don’t go.” I stroke through his hair and feel him laugh lightly against my shoulder. This is the worst he could have done. Laughing at me. I feel like a rejected school girl.
But I keep on stroking his hair with one hand and my other on his bare back, caressing him with my thumb.
He straightens up and his face is disgustingly close, studying mine. This is too close for whatever he’s playing. For whatever this is to him. Each time I try to figure it out anew.
If this was just about lust then... Oh, I don’t know. It might as well. The thought makes me sick.

He’s touching my nose with his and breathes into my mouth before putting his dry lips onto mine.
Saying that I’d want it to stay like this forever is too obvious, but not true, still, because through all this I’m counting the seconds until it stops.

“Coz” he says softly.
He pulls away.
Buttons up his shirt,
Smiles at me, that friendly (friendly!) smile
And leaves the room.
I knew this would happen.
And it might as well be the last time, so I stay where I am for a bit longer.
His presence and scent still lingering on me.
I feel bad about this, very bad.

I lean my head against the wall and hope, deeply hope next week or next month or whenever the next time will be, something will snap inside of him and will make him drag me into some room, push me against some wall.
I know it won’t make me feel better but I want it so much.

Boundaries

“Massage my tummy! He always massages my tummy when I’m sick.”
“But you’re not sick, you’re just deadly drunk.”
“Shut up, Coz, and massage my tummy!”

Colin sighed. “Alright.” He sat down next to his best friend, shoving his shirt up to his head. With no touch of carefulness he put his hands on his skin. “Well, what now?”
“Just massage.”
“How?”

Thom lifted his head. “How do you mean how? Just do it. Don’t tell me you’ve never given anyone a massage in your life.”
Colin uncharacteristically blushed a bit, but since it was all dark except for the moonlight shining through the window no one would have been able to tell.
“Of course I have,” Colin insisted.

“Well, then go on.”
Thom fell back onto the couch, shoving his shirt further up so it was back in place and Colin could start.

“Just because your digestion can’t cope with all that alcohol.” He sighed resigned and slowly started rubbing his hands over Thom’s skin. His fingers wandered from the middle over to where he could feel Thom’s ribs under his thumbs and then to his sides. “I’m sorry if I got cold hands,” he mumbled.

Thom didn’t reply, totally at ease now he felt a bit better about the night. The fight with Jonny really didn’t matter now, did it? “Thanks for taking me home”, he said huskily before he sighed.

Colin froze.
“Why do you stop? Go on,” Thom demanded.
“Maybe this is inappropriate.”
“Sheesh, Coz. You certainly didn’t get enough booze tonight. Just go on!” When he felt Colin’s hands leave his body he grabbed them and forced them further down his stomach. “Pleaaaase”, he added. “You don’t want me throwing up now, do you?”

“No really, I wouldn’t mind so much...” but he continues massaging anyway. He started losing himself in the act, stroking over his friend’s white skin as if it was some sort of art. If this was a profession, he’d certainly be good at it.

Colin only realized how dangerously close his hands had wandered when he heard a small moan escape Thom’s lips. Thom didn’t seem to care, whether out of drunkenness or for other reasons. His head rolled to one side he had closed his eyes and seemed lost in his own world. Colin felt excitement rushing through him. He rubbed a bit harder and watched Thom’s mouth open slightly. Satisfied with the result he let his flat hand slide under Thom’s waistband. He rested on his lower stomach. “This would be easier if you’d open the button.”

Thom groaned. “You do it. Otherwise I feel like a pervert.”
Thom’s logic didn’t quite get to Colin but he followed anyway. He fumbled with the button for a second before opening the zipper, careful not to touch anything but the jeans fabric.
Suddenly Colin felt Thom’s hands on his.

“You might as well, now.”
“Huh?” His hand was guided into Thom’s pants.
“Seriously, Thom, I’m not going to wank you off!”
He freed his hand and rested it on Thom’s chest.
“You gonna blow me?” Thom asked confused.
“No! I’m not!”
“Then there was really nothing inappropriate about this... hand me the blanket over there, will you?”

Colin fetched the woolen blanket from the end of the couch and turned to give it Thom when he found him sitting up.
“You could have taken it yourself no,” Colin said annoyed.
“But I AM taking it myself. I’m trying to make things more appropriate,” he said, slinging his arm around Colin’s neck and pulling their faces together. “So I’m taking it.”

Colin could make out three different typed of drinks by Thom’s smell and tongue.
It tasted different than three years ago.

When Thom pulled away after some time to breath, Colin chuckled slightly.
“How did this make things more appropriate?”
Thom grinned, kissing him again.

At the end of the night, or the beginning of day. Thom stared at his friend’s bare back in front of him.
He sighed.
“See, this is just what a Saturday night deserves.
And now I’m actually glad your brother’s not here.”

“Me, too”, Colin mumbled, not half as asleep as Thom had thought him to be.
“I swear, me too.”

That's The Way

Fabienne’s birthday cheesecake

Thom reels around to look at Jonny by his side. He is fast asleep, hair hanging in his face. It is twenty-four hours since he has last slept with him and it is coming onto him. He would like to bury his hands in Jonny’s silky hair, his nose pressing against Jonny’s cheek while he places tender kisses onto his full soft lips. Things have been easy lately, no problems within the band and actually Thom should feel perfectly happy. But he doesn’t. Something keeps coming back to his mind and he can’t stop that thought.
He turns away from Jonny and stares out the window to recollect his thoughts. All he knows is that he is in love with someone who loves him too and that should be it. That should be the final answer, the final statement. But there is something, still something he hasn’t found yet. He scratches his head and looks back at Jonny and then out the window again. A beautiful man he was, that Jonny. Long limbs, lanky and broad hips, sharp cheekbones and a full mouth. That was what he was. Besides the most adorable person he has ever known. And he keeps looking at him, but he feels all so empty.
He closes his eyes and hopes for that soothing feeling to come back, the feeling that is constantly fighting the emptiness all inside him. Jonny has always been gentle and kind to him, always understanding, always there when he needed him. Jonny is the only person who he shares his deepest secrets with. And after a good talk with him, he always felt better, some of his old joy was restored and he could go on living his live. It should all be clear then.
The answers disappear when he opens his eyes.

Several miles away, someone lies awake in his bedroom and is staring at the ceiling. Several miles away, there is someone who doesn’t smile, who doesn’t feel anything, who has become utterly emotionless. His thoughts are circling around only one topic.
He is gazing at nothing in particular and tries to ignore the agony that has taken hold of his heart, which tears him completely to pieces. His body is resting on his eiderdown, his head is buried in a pillow and his hands are lying by his side. Colin silently rests on his bed, as he has done for hours now. As the many days he has done before.
The phone on his bedside table is ringing. He doesn’t pay attention to it and keeps gazing. By now, he has stopped thinking already and lets the feeling sink in. Maybe he will fall asleep, maybe he will stay awake the whole night, it doesn’t matter. Maybe he will have something to eat, maybe he will go to the bathroom, maybe he will stay where he is after all. And the phone has stopped ringing and his mind is back onto… nothing. That nothingness he has been thinking about the past few hours, that nothingness that always is on his mind. The nothingness that his life has become, maybe always has been.
His eyes flick over to the nightstand and over to the trees outside, illuminated by the street lamps. They look more alive than he feels, they seem to still have hope. Even though they are just… trees. Plants. They seem to have more inside than he does. But that is not diffcult, how much less can there be than nothing at all? But maybe that is more than he thinks it is. Nothing.
He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but the doorbell rings downstairs. He is all alone and he wonders who could visit him at this hour. Slowly, he gets up from his bed and walks down the stairs… The doorbell rings again, this time longer. It almost seems as if someone had to come to him very urgently, as if something bad has happened. Colin speeds up to reach the door before whoever it was would go away again. After all, it was very dark outside.
He opens the door and finds Thom. Thom looks as if he had just gotten out of bed and he flashes him a smile. Colin finds it hard to return anything, so he just attempts a smile which is rather a grimace.
Thom steps inside and only now Colin can see how tired his eyes look, how…
“Colin.”
He throws his arms around him and Colin clasps onto him tightly. He can’t remember when the last time was that Thom had hugged him and it doesn’t matter to him anyway. All that seems important to him that very moment is Thom with his arms around him.
“How are you doing?”
Colin doesn’t dare looking at his friend and decides for a simple shrug.
“You look horrible,” Thom says honestly and takes Colin over to the couch in the living room.
“I… I don’t… Everything’s okay Thom, really,” Colin struggles to say as Thom sets him down beside him. He moves away from Thom to the other end of the couch, but Thom holds onto his shoulder with his hand and mutters,
“Relax. I need some information first. Just the basic facts. Can you show me where it hurts?”
Colin shakes his head and looks away. But Thom doesn’t want him to look away.
“Open up your eyes, just open up your eyes.”
“You can say what you mean, but it won't change a thing.”
Thom gasps and asks worriedly, “Colin, what’s wrong?!”
Colin doesn’t answer.
“You're an emotional wreck, you don't know who you are!” Thom exclaims and hugs his friend tightly.
What does it matter anyway when he doesn’t understand what’s going on? Colin looks at Thom again and whispers, “Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
Thom’s face twists into an ugly grimace, his face becomes paler and he responds, “But I’m still fond of you.”
Colin looks back at Thom and feels tears stinging in his eyes. “Now I’ve got that feeling once again, I can’t explain… You will not understand. This is not how I am.”
This time, Thom doesn’t respond and just keeps staring at Colin. All so intently, all so worriedly.
“I close my eyes and squeeze you from my consciousness,” Colin breaths and squeezes his eyes shut, hoping for Thom to disappear, hoping for him to have never existed, hoping for nothing but air to be there in front of him. But then he opens his eyes again and there is Thom.
“What you need is someone like me.” It is almost a plea and Thom’s facial expression looks as honest as possible.
“Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t bother,” Colin says dryly. “I can't tell you the way I feel 'cos the way I feel is also new to me.”
“Every time I’m around, you try to leave, but I’ll be standing in your way,” Thom threatens. “Why are you doing this? Why do you keep doing that, Colin? I have tried to talk to you several times because I am really worried. You have been behaving strange lately… Don’t you think that I am worried?!”
Colin looks at Thom and the tears don’t seem to reflect what he feels inside. Inside, there is no sadness, nothing that could show anything to Thom. The only thing he can think of is an explanation as simple as imaginable.
“I turn to look but it was gone, I cannot put my finger on it now. The child has grown, the dream is gone. I have become comfortably numb.”
“It's just in case you're never breathing out before you're breathing in.”
Thom has moved closer to Colin, his nose now only inches apart from Colin’s and he reaches a hand out to touch his hair. Colin stops moving, he stops breathing and he keeps staring into those eyes and he feels breath on his skin. Hot, stinging breath.
“And that moment that you live for, it doesn’t live for you.”
That are the last words before Thom presses his lips against Colin’s, before Colin’s mind has gone away, miles away… His brain doesn’t seem to register what is happening and he feels Thom’s soft body on his as they lie down on the couch and Thom’s hands are finally moving through his hair. For minutes nothing except for the two of them seems to exist. And then Thom’s hands find their way to Colin’s trousers and he is about to unzip them, when
“This far, but not further,” Colin begs silently.
“What the hell, you've got nothing more to loose!” Thom stares at Colin incredulously.
“After years of waiting nothing came... Why should there be anything now?”
Something grips at Colin’s heart again and his eyes don’t want to look at Thom anymore. He tries to reject his thoughts, tries to ignore…
“When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep…” Thom caresses Colin’s cheeks. “All I need from you is all your love. All you’ll ever give to me is all your love…”
“I'm at the crossroads waiting for a sign. My life is standing still, but I'm still alive. Every night I think I know… In the morning where did it go?”
“My, my, my, I’m so happy. That’s the way, that’s the way it oughtta be.” Thom keeps kissing Colin, but Colin doesn’t listen.
“Every night I hear you scream, but you don't say what you mean. This was my dream, but now my dream has flown.”
“I said it’s alright, you know it’s alright. You know it’s all in my heart.”
Another kiss and then Thom is off Colin again. And he looks down at him sadly.
“When am I gonna see that pretty face again?”
Colin replies Thom’s glance and mutters, “I'd like to sing along though the words are wrong.”
“You had me for a moment, grab on while you can.”
“And I crawl back into your open arms.”
They smile at each other and Colin doesn’t even know where it comes from and why he had smiled at all… And Thom kisses him once more before he leaves. He promises Colin to come back as soon as possible. They are standing at the front door and Thom says a few last words.
“Got a feeling inside, can’t explain… It’s a certain kind, can’t explain. I said… can’t explain. I’m feeling good now yeah, but… can’t explain. I know what it means, but… can’t explain. I thinks it’s love, try to say it to you when I feel blue.”
And then he is gone. He left. And Colin is back on his bed again and thinking again of… this… nothingness.

When you were young

It was quite late already when Thom drew the blinds in the living room. Late as in late at night. He wanted to look at the sky. He love doing that. He did that once a week. On Saturdays. Or... No, he actually always did it twice a week. Fridays and Saturdays. It was Friday.

Today he wanted to do something extraordinary. He snatched the telephone from its cradle and as it was wireless he could walk back to the window. Quickly, he dialed Colin's number. Several seconds passed and then he could hear someone at the other end of the line. But it wasn't Colin.

"Hello?"

"Oh, Jonny. It's me, Thom. Is Colin around?"

"Er... No. Why?"

"I thought he could come over. My parents are away over the weekend."

"Mmhhh... I can tell him when he is back, right?"

"Yeah, sure. That'd be nice."

"Hmmh..." Jonny went silent.

"OK then. I'll call back later. Or just send him over if you want."

"-"

"Jonny?"

"Er, what? Yeah, well... See you later then. I guess."

"OK, bye."

"Bye, Thom."

Thom put the receiver back and returned to his place next to the window. The stars were still shining bright. Why did they shine so bright anyway? They were so far away and still they looked as if you could touch them. Out of boredom, Thom started counting them, but gave up at 156. He couldn't be bothered to go on. He was on his way up the stairs, when he heard noise outside. Quietly, he slid into the hallway and pressed his ear onto the wood of the front door. Although there was nothing else to be heard, he opened the door and stepped into the fresh night air.

A few glances around told him that there was nothing. He turned back and only then heard a movement at the back of the house.

"Hello?"

It started to be a bit frightening.

"Who's there?"

"Ah, it's only me, Thom." A friendly laugh and a head popped around the corner.

"You..." Thom decided to laugh at it.

"Ah, I see... Did I scare you?"

"Well... It wasn't very pleasant. So, what are you doing here, now?"

"Oh, I dunno. I thought I might visit you."

"I tried to call you. But... Why did you hide outside?"

"I... I didn't want to ring. I thought... your parents might not want..."

"They are not here anyway. What are you on about? Did you want to climb up the ladder to my balcony, like Romeo?"

"Er... No."

"Okay then, come in. But that sure was weird."

Up in his room, Thom lay down on the bed and asked Colin to close the door. They didn't say anything for a moment, until Thom asked what Colin wanted to do.

"Oh... Er... Let's check out your new record player."

"Oh, yeah. Great idea." Thom grinned and went over to his pile of records. "It was about time that I have one because I have bought records for years but could only listen to them at yours. So... What do you want?"

"Er... Just choose something."

"Okay."

Thom pulled out his favourite Smiths record.

"Let's listen to that, okay?"

"Awww, I love it, yeah." Colin smiled at his friend happily.

So they listened to the songs lying on Thom's bed and grinned at each other in between the songs or at their favourite bits.

"D'you like that?" Thom asked during the seventh track.

"Oh, well... I prefer the bit towards the end."

"Yeah, sure." Thom grabbed his pillow and threw it at Colin.

"Hey! What's wrong with you?" Colin giggled. He trapped the pillow in his hands and threw an evil look at Thom.

"No... No, you're not going to do that!" Thom jumped up from the bed and ran towards the door.

"You are not going to escape me!"

Thom opened the door and ran outside to the staircase. Colin followed him with the pillow stretched out in his hands above his head. The music could stil be heard very clearly from inside Thom's bedroom.

"Hey, Thom! Don't try to escape from me!" Colin had ran down the stairs and was now looking for him in the living room where the blinds were still drawn.

"Thom... I know where you are. I can see you."

Out of nowhere, Thom jumped onto Colin from behind and threw him onto the floor.

"Oh, Thom. You evil bastard."

"Hehehe. I knew I'd get you."

"Get off me. That's not fair."

"You wish." Thom grabbed the pillow from underneath Colin's fingers.

"Hey, give that back to me," Colin protested.

"Noooo. I am not crazy, you know?"

"What do you want to do then."

"Er..." Thom pondered for a moment and then moved his hands under Colin's arms and started tickling him.

"Ah, no! You are killing me!" Colin was laughing hysterically and tried to get away from Thom.

"Ah, you can't escape," Thom teased him and went off Colin to turn him onto his back and move his hands onto his stomach.

"Nooo, Thom. Don't! Please stop." Tears of laughter were running down Colin's face.

"You are VERY ticklish. I've never met anyone as ticklish as you." A grin had spread all over Thom's face.

"Please stop. Really." Colin managed to push Thom away.

"Oh well..." Thom reproached Colin and stared into his eyes, before he lay his head onto his friend's chest. "I am so bored. D'you have time tomorrow?"

"Why?"

"There is this shit party at our school again. D'you want to go there?"

"No, why should I?"

"Let's just go there and have some fun."

"Fun?"

"Well, we don't need all those twats there... We could just get some free drinks and... Just enjoy ourselves."

"I don't know how THAT should work, Thom. Really..."

"Oooh, just... Let's just do that."

"Sometimes I wonder... what you are on about, Thom." Colin emitted a short laugh and added, "So, let's get back to your room then. I have lent you this book ages ago. I almost forgot."

"Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot about it as well."

They went back up the stairs and into Thom's room, where the last song of the record was already playing.

"Nice and quiet, don't you think?" Thom asked.

"Yeah..."

"Mmh... Here's your book." From under his bed, Thom pulled out a book out of a box where he had kept it and handed it over to Colin. "It was really good. Thanks for that."

"Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it."

"OK then... Just meet me at eight here tomorrow. OK?"

"Yeah..."

"Ah, wait. I'll get you to the door."

Colin grinned. "What a gentleman."

"Yeah." Thom smiled his Thom-smile, this honest smile that made other people happy.

On their way to the door, Colin mentioned that he had bought a new record of a band that he didn't know yet and that they could listen to it the next day, after the party maybe.

"Oh, that'd be great. You sure are a great guy, Coz."

"Stop calling me that." Colin blushed slightly.

"Oh well... I could also call you... Mister Coz. Would you like that?"

Colin laughed again. "You're so weird, Thom." He hugged him and said good-bye.

"Bye, Mister..."

"No." Colin pointed at Thom with his finger and grinned. "You know, you always make me laugh, Thom."

"Hehe. Okay." Thom waved at him.

"I'll go then."

Thom was still waving, a fake-smile on his face.

"I'll see you tomorrow." At the sight of the still waving and smiling Thom, he added, "Ah, shut it." He giggled.

"Well, I sure am a gentleman then."

"Er... Yes." Colin opened the front door and looked back at Thom without another word before turning back and closing the door after himself.