Counting the Seconds

He eyes me from the corner of the room, pondering whether another a night will make it any worse or if we really need to stop now.

He gets up; he’s made his decision.

He takes my hand, drags me through the door into an empty room and starts kissing me.
His hands lie flat on my black hair, his body is shoving mine into the wall.
I enjoy it, of course I do.

But I’m already thinking about when it will end.
When he’ll button up his shirt and leave the room.

Sometimes he looks back at me with a smile or something on his face that reads “Look what you do to me, look what you make.”

I’ll be on the floor or against the wall still, feeling like a battered housewife.
I should get away before he does. Just once.
But I never do.

He has removes my shirt and is fumbling with my belt. He groans into my neck. His hot breath makes me shiver with anticipation.
He presses into me and we moan. Mine so much softer than his and both together sound so wrong. But I got used to it now and all the nights in bed when I got nothing but the memory of him and the knowledge that he’s sleeping just a few metres away from me, this is exactly the sound I’m thinking of.

I come and I shiver and I’m scared.
Because he’s going to leave now.
And he’s right, too. We shouldn’t be doing this.
He slowly pulls away, steadying his breath. His hands are still on my chest.
“Thom” I says and I’m surprised by the way my voice sounds. It’s firm and not as pleading as I felt the words in my mouth.
He looks surprised but smiles. “Yes?” he asks, leaning in a bit closer.
This new sort of intimacy scares me and excites me at the same time.

“Don’t go.” I stroke through his hair and feel him laugh lightly against my shoulder. This is the worst he could have done. Laughing at me. I feel like a rejected school girl.
But I keep on stroking his hair with one hand and my other on his bare back, caressing him with my thumb.
He straightens up and his face is disgustingly close, studying mine. This is too close for whatever he’s playing. For whatever this is to him. Each time I try to figure it out anew.
If this was just about lust then... Oh, I don’t know. It might as well. The thought makes me sick.

He’s touching my nose with his and breathes into my mouth before putting his dry lips onto mine.
Saying that I’d want it to stay like this forever is too obvious, but not true, still, because through all this I’m counting the seconds until it stops.

“Coz” he says softly.
He pulls away.
Buttons up his shirt,
Smiles at me, that friendly (friendly!) smile
And leaves the room.
I knew this would happen.
And it might as well be the last time, so I stay where I am for a bit longer.
His presence and scent still lingering on me.
I feel bad about this, very bad.

I lean my head against the wall and hope, deeply hope next week or next month or whenever the next time will be, something will snap inside of him and will make him drag me into some room, push me against some wall.
I know it won’t make me feel better but I want it so much.

Boundaries

“Massage my tummy! He always massages my tummy when I’m sick.”
“But you’re not sick, you’re just deadly drunk.”
“Shut up, Coz, and massage my tummy!”

Colin sighed. “Alright.” He sat down next to his best friend, shoving his shirt up to his head. With no touch of carefulness he put his hands on his skin. “Well, what now?”
“Just massage.”
“How?”

Thom lifted his head. “How do you mean how? Just do it. Don’t tell me you’ve never given anyone a massage in your life.”
Colin uncharacteristically blushed a bit, but since it was all dark except for the moonlight shining through the window no one would have been able to tell.
“Of course I have,” Colin insisted.

“Well, then go on.”
Thom fell back onto the couch, shoving his shirt further up so it was back in place and Colin could start.

“Just because your digestion can’t cope with all that alcohol.” He sighed resigned and slowly started rubbing his hands over Thom’s skin. His fingers wandered from the middle over to where he could feel Thom’s ribs under his thumbs and then to his sides. “I’m sorry if I got cold hands,” he mumbled.

Thom didn’t reply, totally at ease now he felt a bit better about the night. The fight with Jonny really didn’t matter now, did it? “Thanks for taking me home”, he said huskily before he sighed.

Colin froze.
“Why do you stop? Go on,” Thom demanded.
“Maybe this is inappropriate.”
“Sheesh, Coz. You certainly didn’t get enough booze tonight. Just go on!” When he felt Colin’s hands leave his body he grabbed them and forced them further down his stomach. “Pleaaaase”, he added. “You don’t want me throwing up now, do you?”

“No really, I wouldn’t mind so much...” but he continues massaging anyway. He started losing himself in the act, stroking over his friend’s white skin as if it was some sort of art. If this was a profession, he’d certainly be good at it.

Colin only realized how dangerously close his hands had wandered when he heard a small moan escape Thom’s lips. Thom didn’t seem to care, whether out of drunkenness or for other reasons. His head rolled to one side he had closed his eyes and seemed lost in his own world. Colin felt excitement rushing through him. He rubbed a bit harder and watched Thom’s mouth open slightly. Satisfied with the result he let his flat hand slide under Thom’s waistband. He rested on his lower stomach. “This would be easier if you’d open the button.”

Thom groaned. “You do it. Otherwise I feel like a pervert.”
Thom’s logic didn’t quite get to Colin but he followed anyway. He fumbled with the button for a second before opening the zipper, careful not to touch anything but the jeans fabric.
Suddenly Colin felt Thom’s hands on his.

“You might as well, now.”
“Huh?” His hand was guided into Thom’s pants.
“Seriously, Thom, I’m not going to wank you off!”
He freed his hand and rested it on Thom’s chest.
“You gonna blow me?” Thom asked confused.
“No! I’m not!”
“Then there was really nothing inappropriate about this... hand me the blanket over there, will you?”

Colin fetched the woolen blanket from the end of the couch and turned to give it Thom when he found him sitting up.
“You could have taken it yourself no,” Colin said annoyed.
“But I AM taking it myself. I’m trying to make things more appropriate,” he said, slinging his arm around Colin’s neck and pulling their faces together. “So I’m taking it.”

Colin could make out three different typed of drinks by Thom’s smell and tongue.
It tasted different than three years ago.

When Thom pulled away after some time to breath, Colin chuckled slightly.
“How did this make things more appropriate?”
Thom grinned, kissing him again.

At the end of the night, or the beginning of day. Thom stared at his friend’s bare back in front of him.
He sighed.
“See, this is just what a Saturday night deserves.
And now I’m actually glad your brother’s not here.”

“Me, too”, Colin mumbled, not half as asleep as Thom had thought him to be.
“I swear, me too.”

Quicksand (Colin/Fran from Travis)

PART ONE

One day in Oxford Fran walked down the street with a cup of coffee in one hand and the other tucked inside his pocket. Oxford had always been strange to him but since the band had decided to mix their new album here Fran had no choice. It wouldn’t take too long anyway.

Fran was just crossing the street when suddenly a car stopped right infront of him and made him jump in shock. The owner of the car glared at him angrily. “Look out where you’re going!”, he shouted. Fran walked backwards and ran someone over. Fran turned around and looked at the figure now lying on the pavement.

“I’m sorry”, Fran said still in shock, helping the man up. “Are you alright?”, he asked concerned.
“Yeah”
“Are you sure?” Fran regarded the supposed stranger with interest as he brushed off nonexistent dirt of his shoulder. “You seem vaguely familiar” he said in his Scottish accent.
“Really?”, the man mumbled.

Fran was really worried as he watched him tumble backwards. He grabbed him by his shoulders and held him up. “Are you alright?”, he asked again.

“Yes”, answered the the black-haired man faintly. “I just .... need icecream.”
“Icecream?”, Fran asked puzzled. “Uh well, I don’t have any. Is there any icecream shop around? Because I’m not from here.”
“Uh, I can hear that. Yes”, he got away from from Fran’s grip and looked around. “Just over the street, there’s a café”
“Okay.” Fran felt obliged to walk with him and although the English man didn’t seem totally comfortable with this he didn’t complain and even grabbed Fran’s arm a few times to keep himself walking steadily.

When they sat in the café Fran asked him what his name was.
“I’m Colin” he mumbled again ”You really didn’t have to bring me here.”
“Yes I did. I walked you over.”
“Oh, it’s not your fault. I wasn’t paying attention.”

Colin ordered strawberry and chocolate icecream which made Fran cringe. How anyone could like strawberry icecream was beyond his understanding.
They sat down at a tiny table. Fran felt rather useless sitting there watching Colin eat. But it was good to see it made Colin feel better. As he shoved spoons of icecream into his mouth colour came back to his face. His cheek reddened and he looked a lot less miserable. Fran realized he was staring when Colin looked up eyed him suspiciously. “Do you want some?” he asked, using his spoon to point at his icecream.
“Eh, I actually don’t like strawberry icecream.” Fran said unsure.

“Alright” Colin said before shoving a spoon of chocolate icecream infront of Fran’s face. Fran hesitate a second before opening his mouth. ‘Weird, why am I letting a stranger feed me icecream?`
He swallowed and his throat got cold.
Colin was already back to his icecream not looking at him.

“Thanks”, Fran said, “It’s cold.”
“You’re from Scotland.” Colin noted, his mouth half full
“Uh...” Fran said, fascinated by the way one of Colin’s hands lead the spoon to his mouth while his other hand scratched his leg. “Yes, we’re mixing our album here. I mean, recording it, too.”

“You’re in a band?” Colin asked, eyes wide open. He seemed fully recovered now. ‘What a strange man...’ Fran thought.
“Actually, I’m the singer of Travis.”
“Oh...” Colin said “ I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you then. Well you gotta know I’m...”
“No, no, I understand.” Fran smiled reassuringly. “So what do you do?”
“Mhm, I’m a musician as well.”
“Really?” Fran asked, interested. “What’s your band’s name? Do you sing?”
“Uh... Radiohead.”
Fran stared in disbelief. “Really? Shit! I’m a fan of yours...”
Colin continued playing with the spoon in his hand and looked down shyly.
“It must have been all this confusion. I should have recognized you.”

“No problem.” Colin smiled. He let go of the spoon and put his hands in his lap. Now that he had finished his icecreamhe was not sure what to do anymore. Neither did Fran. He had no excuse to watch Colin anymore.
Colin seemed to get rather uncomfortable as well. Fran was about to say something when his mobile rang. “Oh, hi, Dougie” he said when he heard his bandmate’s voice. “I’ll be at the studio soon. Sorry. I just... had a small incident.” He eyes Colin uneasily. “Yeah, don’t wait for me. Bye.”
“I guess I should go to the studio and see what they’re up to soon.”
Colin nodded. “I should go, too. I was supposed to be at the studio by now. I...”
They stared at eachother.
“Well this is a bit odd now.”
“Yeah” Colin agreed, “Should we...”
“You wanna come and hear our new record? Well it’s not finished but it will be great. Want to...”
Colin looked down at his hands before looking up at Fran again.
“I`m not sure it’s such a great... oh well, “ he started smiling “Why not? But not right now.”
“No, of course not. I just meant... that’s cool. Should I write down my mumber?”
“I can just you mine.” Awkwardly he wrote it down and handed it to Fran.
They got up and left the café to get back to their bands eagerly awaiting them.

PART TWO
Radiohead were in the studio when Colin’s mobile phone rang.
“Hey!” He hadn’t axpected to hear Fran’s voice so soon again.
“Are you well? Where are you?”
“Uh, I’m well. I’m – we’re in the studio right now.”
Thom next to him eyes him curiously. He was listening to every word Colin spoke into the receiver.
“Is it going well?” Fran asked.
“Uh well... yeah, it’s okay.”
He looked at Thom who was mouthing a ‘Who is it?’. Colin shook his head and focused on the conversation with Fran.
“You wanna come over?”
“Now?” Colin asked confused. “We’re still working. Sort of.”
“When do you finish today then?”
“Oh, I don’t know... Thom?” Thom turned around “You think you know when we’ll finish today?”
Thom frowned a little and then shrugged. “You can just go if you want to.”
“Er, well, I don’t know when. What do you want to do anyway?” Colin realized he didn’t sound to thrilled by the perspective of leaving the studio to meet Fran.
“I thought you said you wanted to come and listen to the stuff we’ve been working on.”
Colin could almost hear Fran frowning.
“Oh yes” he felt a tiny bit of guilt rising into his head.
“So will you come?”

“Okay. Just tell me where and...” While mentally scribbling down the address he watched Ed bending over his guitar talking to Thom.“See you there.”

Colin hung up. He grabbed his jacket and threw a look at Thom who still had his back to him fumbling with Ed’s guitar, mumbling something inaudible. Ed nodded and smiled.
Colin put on his leather jacket and grabbed the doorknob. “I’m going” he sais turning around half-way. Thom and Ed were closely bend over the guitar and Thom was giggling. Ed turned his head and smiled at Colin. “See you tomorrow.”
“Yeah” Colin said flatly, still looking at the back of Thom’s head and his nice hair. “Tomorrow.”
When he closed the door he heard Thom’s voice. “Bye Cozzie.” It would have sounded normal to anyone in the world but after having spent the majority of his life with this man, being his best friend, he could hear the light mocking tone to it. And it annoyed Colin. Why did Thom always have to be like this?
He sighed and made his way to the other band’s studio.

PART THREE
The pizza tasted awful but Colin ate it anyway.
“Maybe we record your part tomorrow?” Fran suggested while chewing.
“What part?”
“The bass. Weren't you listening?”
“I’m sorry”, Colin mumbled, putting a slice back onto his plate. “But the bass, I mean, it’s Doug’s, I don’t want to...”
Fran laughed lightly. “It’s okay. Really. I loved the thing you came up with yesterday. It fits the song perfectly. And Doug doesn’t mind you playing.”
“Are you sure?”
“Oh Colin, really. Your concern is endearing.”
Colin considered pouting but couldn’t be bothered. Lately he could never be bothered to do anything. Especially if it required any sort of effort.
“I’m not mocking you.” Fran said “I really would like you to play it again.Otherwise we’ll have to steal it from you.”
“I’m not sure I remember it” Colin said, his mouth behind the glass he was drinking from.
“Sure you do” Fran stretched over the table and patted Colin’s arm. “I don’t know why you don’t want to but I’d really like you to.”
Colin shrugged, “Okay”, he said indifferently causing Fran to smile happily.
At least someone here was feeling good, Colin thought.

It had been okay.
Colin’s part really went well with the rest of the song and it had been good to actually just record a song for once. A few taked and it was done instead of those tiring days recording the same thing over and over again and when everyone seemed to be satisfied someone – someone, someone mostly called Thom – would suggest maybe to forget about the song as ‘It was no good’. It wasn’t that Travis didn’t take their work seriously, just their approach to music was refreshing. Their ambition wasn’t to create something brilliant, something completely new and breath-taking. It was so much easier and had its own complexy: just to make good music. Music they themselves enjoyed playing. They had enough confidence people were going to listen to it anyway and sure some were going to enjoy it. That was quite enough for them. While they of course wanted to make Fran’s songs the best they could they wouldn’t let it stress them out as much. They wouldn’t let their ambition destroy their fun and devotion to their songs. Colin envied this. He also envied the way they treated each other. Not that didn’t treat him nicely as well. They did and Colin felt welcome. Otherwise he surely wouldn’t have spent so much time in the studio with them.
When Colin reached his home he felt his heart sink.
Thom was sitting infront of his house on the doorsteps. This couldn’t mean anything good. Hopefully there hadn’t been any tragic accidents...

“Hello” Thom said. He didn’t look angry yet. In fact his face was rather expressionless.
“What are you doing here?” Colin stepped closer to him, unsure whether he should open the door. He hesitated, waiting for Thom’s reaction.
“I was waiting for you to turn up.”
“Why?” Colin asked confused.
“Because we were supposed to work.”
Colin’s face fell. “How do you mean? We were finished at the studio yesterday.
“I know but we were to meet and work on that song. Did you forget?” Thom sounded angrier now.
“I..” Colin tried to remember. He checked his mind for any conversation with Thom he might have had forgotten but there was nothing. “I’m sorry. Where are the others? At the studio?”
“No” He could sense Thom was getting more annoyed by every second. “The others are at home or I don’t know where, whatever they’re doing. Ed had actually asked me to... But as I was supposed to meet you at your home I wouldn’t of course. I’ve been waiting here and worrying and you wouldn’t answer your fuckin phone and now it turns out YOU JUST FORGOT.”
“I’m sorry.” Colin said sheepishly, fumbling with the keys and walking towards the door still eying Thom who got up now. “You`re coming in, right?” he asked half-fearing Thom’s answer. “I might as well after all this waiting. “
“How long have you been here?”
“I`m not sure. Since 5 a clock, I think”
“Oh” Colin said dumbly. Thom had waited over two hours. He opened the door and entered, Thom following. “Why didn’t you leave when you saw I wasn’t there?”
He hoped he didn’t sound like he was critizising his actions.
”What would have been the point? I’d have ended up calling you every ten seconds to check whether you’re back already.”
Colin put his keyes down and eyed his friend with concern.
“Why? I mean, I’m sorry I forgot but...”
“I was fucking worried, Colin!”
“Why?”, he realized he was sounding like a broken record
“Because I thought what it could have been that kept you away and...” Thom huffed “I certainly didn’t think you’d just forgotten about it.”

Colin was slightly touched that Thom seemed to care so much and yes, of course, he was sorry but he still didn’t get why Thom ghad thought something bad would have happened to him. It wasn’t as if Thom had never forgotten anything and of course Colin had worried about him more than once. But in the end he always knew this led nowhere and that it was Thom’s life and the decisions he took where his and Colin could not change this.
When they had been younger he tried that sometimes but it had seemed the more he had tried to stop Thom from doing something stupid the more eager he had been to do it. So Colin had given up. He probably was a better friend for just letting Thom sort this all out by himself and by being there for him when he’d want just that. Colin had to learnt how to ignore that overprotective feeling he sometimes got. It was better than worrying and he imagined it somehow worked, too.

Colin tried out a light laugh. “Why should anything happen to me? I’m fine.”
“Great, so I can leave again.” Thom said grimly, motioning to the door.
Colin gripped him by the arm. “Wait.” He hated fighting with Thom. Well, he hated fighting with anyone but with Thom it always felt even wors.e Thom’s death stare still managed to turn something inside his stomach upside down.
“I`m sorry Thom.”
Thom turned around, fury in his eyes.
“Where were you then?”
“Just... nowhere.”
“Fucking NOWHERE? Why didn’t you answer your damned phone then?”
“Come on, Thom, calm down.”
He took Thom by the sleeve and pulled him inside the living room and onto the couch. Thom looked him directly in the eye and Colin felt himself wanting to look anywhere but back but was unable to do so. How was he supposed to avoid telling the truth now? Damn it.
“Coz, just... I’m worried about you. You’ve been so distant lately. You keep leaving the studio early and you seem so eager to get away from us.”
Thom`s gaze had softened now and he looked at Colin askingly. “I’m not. I’m really not.” It hurt that they would think such thing, why would he avoid them, right? “I was just hanging around with this band I met. I’m not avoiding you. I never would. Why do you think that?”
“I... I don’t know. Maybe because you forgot me.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Thom, leave it! I’m sorry you’ve waited so long but you just could have gone home. It was your choice to stay here and sulk and be angry.”
“Which band anyway?” Thom barked as if he only now had heard what Colin had said earlier.
“Travis.”
“Travis?” Thom sounded sincerely consuded for a second. “You mean this scottish.... this softpop--- this crappy...?” he stopped for a lack of words to describe his deep repugnance.
“I only know one band called Travis so I guess that will be them.”
“How do you know them?” Thom asked upset “Why are they in Oxford? They are in Oxfor, aren’t they? You´re not driving down to London to see them all the time, are you?”
“Of course not, Thom. You`re being ridiculous. They’re recording here. They’re nice enough. You don’t even know them.”
“This is true but it’s not as if their music would make me want to” Thom snarled.
“Give it a rest” Colin begged tiredly. “You know where I was now. I’m sorry I forgot about you, it will never happen again” If he just wouldn’t sound so resigned.

“It just seems that all I am to you nowadays is a burden.”
He was pitch dark and for a second he wondered whether Thom had gone home. But then he opened his eyes and looked over, at Thom who was still waiting for a reaction. And Colin didn’t want to break his heart. Colin did not want to hurt anybody and so heard himself repeat what he had told himself over and over again.
That everything was okay. That no, of course they, the band, weren’t a burden to him and it was just the stress and the pressure and yes, this was unlike him, he knew, but everyone surely had a breaking point and this was his and he was just really tired.
“That’s all” Colin finished, hoping he sounded more convincing than he felt.

PART FOUR
“Well Nigel likes them.”
“Huh?” Thom looked up at Ed who then shrugged.
“Well, he does like them, so I guess they’ll be alright.”
Thom scowled at his friend’s “betrayal”.
“Listen Thom” Ed shot closer, a hand on the other`s shoulder.
“I don’t really see why it bothers you so much. It’s just Colin. He’s hanging out with a band you don’t like. Oh no! – Big deal.”
Thom chew his lip insecurely looking up at his tall friend.
“Why didn’t he say anthing before?”
Ed shrugged. “That was a bit stupid, yeah, but honestly, you didn’t ask and Colin probably knew you wouldn`t be too thrilled.”
Thom huffed. “As if not telling is the right thing to do then.”
“No, of course not.”
Thom looked at Ed’s hand still resting on his shoulder and back to his face.
“If there’s anything, he’ll tell us in the end. I know you’re worried about him. You’re always worrying about something.” The last bit was meant as a joke but Thom recieved it differently.
“Great, thanks.”
“Don’t be like this.” Ed pulled him into a close embrace. “Not everything is something you need to take care of, Thom.”
Thom stood still, warm arms slung around him. He did not want to hear what Ed had to say, neither did he want to think about Colin. He wanted to tell Ed to shut up but ended up thanking him and vaguely smiling.
“Really, don’t worry.” Ed mumbled above Thom’s head. Thom burried his nose in Ed’s chest and groaned. “God I just wish this album was finished already.” He dug his hands deep into his friend’s back. Suddenly Ed laughed and let go. “Really Thom, I don’t want to tell you ‘It`s all gonna be okay’ but I think it will. Maybe Colin just needs some time now.”
“Where is he anyway? Thom asked brushing the back of his hand over his nose.
“We’re meeting in an hour, I guess that’d explain why noone`s here yet.”
“Oh...” Thom paused. “Ed, I...” Tiredly he looked to the floor and over to the guitars.
“I`m so fucking annoyed. I thought I was over that anger phase.”
“You’ll never get over that. It’s not a phase, it’s your personality.”
“Oh, stop mocking me.”
They both grinned at each other.

PART FIVE
Thom had told the others, Colin found out very soon after arriving at the studio.
He really didn’t mind. He knew Phil, Ed and Jonny wouldn’t really care about his activities outside the band, although Jonny did seem a bit disappointed he hadn’t told him before; but it wasn’t as if Jonny would hold something like this against his brother for very long.
Ed actually tried to talk about it, casually asking how they were and Colin had met the other band but Colin didn’t really feel comfortable talking about it when Thom was around, so he just mumbled something about bumping into Fran in the street to which he heard Thom make a sneering sound. God, that hurt. A small stab for Thom but a big sting for him in his already aching side. So Colin shut up about it and Ed knew better than to keep nagging him.

They played okay and it seemed that it went well, it seemed everything was normal. If Colin didn’t feel Thom ignoring him, shooting him an angry look now and then and only talking to him directly if it was really necessary.

Being with Travis and especially with Fran made it better. Colin was now used to them and even though he realized it was strange, he felt a lot more at ease with them than with his own band. It was nice to think about someone else’s problems for once.

They had all drunken quite a bit after a successful day at the studio and Colin had gone to their hotel with them. Strange how he had never wondered where they were staying in Oxford before.

They had been drinking in Fran’s room and now only slowly Colin realized everyone else gad gone to their rooms.
He probably should go then.
Although he didn’t feel capable of it.
Walking down the stairs to the street, that already seemed such an unbearably long distance, let alone the whole way he had to drive home. He’s probably demolish his car.
Fran next to him on the couch was staring at him.
“You remember when you are the café eating icecream?”
The slur made his voice sound a lot more Scottish than normally.
“Yeah”
“I keep having dreams about that.”
“Huh?” Colin asked, wiping his mouth clean with his sleeve. He felt shamefully plastered.
“When you fed me that icecream... always that scene, when you fed me that icecream and scratched you leg and god, you look so good in those dreams! You look so good it drives me crazy.”
It took Colin`s chemicalized mind a moment to register Fran was serious.
“And your mouth... and that spoon in your mouth and... I try not to think about it. Try to get it off my mind but it wont work anyway. And then I think of all the things you can probably do with your mouth” Fran’s talk was so spaced out that it almost seemed as if he’d forgotten he wasn’t just having his normal daily monologue. But then he looked over to Colin who staring at him with his mouth wide open. Fran silently giggled and said “You’re so freaking beautiful and you don’t even seem to see it. Especially when you look sad like this... but also especially when you’re laughing. Oh god, if you laughed right now it would probably kill me. I...”

Colin wasn’t really sure where the impulse came from but he didn’t have the energy not the will to question it or push it away. He pressed his lips to the other man’s and his body into the cushions.
At first Fran was too stunned to react but once he did it was with a lot more force than Colin would have expected. If he’d have expected this at all. Which he really hadn’t. No, ending up on top of the singer hadn’t been on his to-do list for this evening, Admittingly it was lot more enjoyable than he’d have thought and Fran’s skin felt a lot nicer than he’d imagined. ‘Then he’d imagined’, Colin stumbled over his own thoughts, had he imagined this after all? Not really. Just... maybe a bit. He always ended up wondering how making out with a person would be once he got to know them and found them intriguing.
But for sure he had not imagined the way Fran pulled his hait while searching his mouth and the odd regulated way his body tensed and relaxed again while they were moving against each other.

Colin was too intoxicated to even guess how long they had been there, sharing clumsy but forceful kisses, letting their bodies react to eachother. He half-wished he wouldn’t be so drunk and wondered what Fran smelled and taster like if it wasn’t vodka. On the other hand in a sober state his behaviour would have been even harder to explain. He’d already have to lie now anyway, he guessed. He probably would, wouldn’t he?
“Oh Fran, I felt so down, I thought someone’s warmth, someone who cares about me making out with with me would maybe be nice. Plus I wanted you to shut up about me because it made me feel vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed. I just thought this was the nicest way to end it. That’s what you wanted me to do, too, wasn’t it? Why else would you tell me this?” The truth sounded rather miserable in Colin’s ear.
Maybe they wouldn’t talk about it all. That sounded tempting, too, but Colin doubted it.
At least it was so confusing that it also felt a bit exciting.

They didn’t actually stop. Colin remembered it all blurring out. They slowed down and he found himself slumped against the other man, his face pressed to his chest. He feel asleep with one of Fran’s arms lazily slung around his back, his thoughts drifting off to, oddly enough, his band. He imagined Thom’s grumpy face if he heard about this and next to making Colin feel ashames it also makde him feel strangely proud. ‘Serves him right’, he thought before pressing his nose deeper into the other’s tshirt and finally finding sleep.

The most akward thing about the next morning was that it really wasn’t all that akward.
When Fran woke up he did throw a shy smile at Colin but apart from that they talked just as they had all the time.
They went down to get breakfast.
Andy and Doug were there already and although Doug raised his eyebrows at them, noone said a word about Colin still being with them.
When Colin wanted to go Fran walked him outside. In a deserted corner Fran kissed him on the mouth quickly and timidly. Although it was short Colin could now sense that it hadn’t just been his drunkenness the night before.

“I got a family, you know” Fran saidm putting a hand on the back of Colin’s neck.
Colin nodded.
“And I’m not sure how long we’ll stay in Oxford. You do know how far we are with recording. You certainly should after spending so many days with us there.” Fran released something that sounded close to a giggle but not very girly. It sounded funny and made Colin smile.
He wasn’t sure if it was the right decision but he wanted it, so Colin, now sober, pulled Fran close and returned the earlier kiss. “I don’t mind”, Colin mumbled before kissing him again.
He still smelled of vodka. Hopefully not next time.
Fran took Colin’s hand and stroked it with his thumb. “I’ll see you tomorrow”, he said smiling. “Yes,” Colin replied.

He felt much better now even though he knew it was just the excitement. Because he now really had a secret. Just something. He still felt tired. Mentally, but maybe this all would get him to wake up a bit.

PART SIX
When Colin arrived the rest of the band had been practising for almost an hour. He looked a bit guilty but not genuinly enough.
He also seemed a bit hung over. Thom noticed. He wasn’t sure if he still wanted to give him a cold stare or run up to him and hug him. Ask him whether everything was alright and tell him that he was worried. Probably both.
He managed to smile at him twice, receiving two unsure and confused looks by Colin. He really couldn’t blame him.

Colin was putting down his bass when Thom decided to approach him.
“Don’t run away”
“What?” Colin raised his eyebrows. “Why would I want to run away?”
“Just, I thought, maybe you’re going to meet... that other band again.”
Colin didn’t want to look at him.
“I’m not going today.”
“That’s good” Thom tried to sound friendly. “Because I’d like to talk to you.”
“What about?” He sounded slightly scared.
“Just talk, if that’s okay with you. We haven’t talked for ages.”
“We fought last week.”, reminded him Colin.
“Yes, but I mean actual talking rather me bitching at you.”
“Okay...”

So they stayed in the studio when everyone else left. Ed threw an encouraging smile at Thom when he stepped out of the door. At least he thought it had been meant to be encouraging.
Thom watched Colin sit down on the couch and followed him. Sitting not as close as he would have liked to but far away to consider him fully.
Colin drew up his legs to the chest which reminded Thom of when they had been young. Although it was a gesture that he’d rather known of himself.

“You wanted to talk”
Colin didn’t look at him but at the wall.
“Yes, I...” Thom drew breath. “You said everything was okay. Last week. And I didn’t believe you. And I still don’t. So why don’t you just say it?”

Colin clutched his knees and suddenly looked on the verge of crying. When he finally spoke he had trouble to restrain his voice. “Don’t you think if I had an idea, if I knew what it was, don’t you think I’d have ... done something against it?”
“Well, it’s not as if there’s always something you can do.”
“God, Thom, you should know best there isn’t always a reason why you’re down.”
“Well yes, there is..”
“It wasn’t me who invented Weltschmerz.”
“Yeah well, but” Thom was getting impatient “it’s always been there, you can’t tell me it just popped in your head now.”
“There is no reason.” Colin insisted.
“There always is.”
“Depression needs no reason!”, he shouted at Thom who flinched.
“You think you’re depressed? I mean, really...”
“Whatever you want to call it. I have no reason to be, right? I’ve always gotten along with myself. I mean, more or less, and now it’s... maybe it’s midlife crisis or something.”
He laughed bitterly. “Really Thom, if I could I’d tell you, it’s just... what am I to say?”
“How are you feeling?”
Colin winced avoiding Thom’s soft and worried glance.
“Not, not so good.”, he tried jokingly but it ended up sounding like a choke.
“Why do you avoid us? I mean, why do you avoid me?”
“I don’t.”

Colin looked up at him and realized denying it was pointless. And what would it help anyway. “I’m scared“
He was just as surprised by his honesty as Thom was.

“I’m scared because I don’t feel like I’m used to feeling. I don’t seem to be myself and you, all of you, you still are. You’re still the old you and I don’t want you to know me like this. I can’t stand myself right now, why would YOU want me aroun then. I can’t be who you want me to and...” he burried his face in his hands “Shit, I..., I guess I just don’t want you to worry.”

“But that’s bullshit, Colin. You always keep up with moodswings. I’ve been an idiot a million times and you still stick with me.”

“But this is you, I’m not like that. I don’t – I, I’m well-tempered. I’m not moody and I’m just” he let out a sound that sounded like an exhausted ‘argh’, “I’m not that powerless.”

Thom knew he had a reason to be offended but he wasn’t. He understoof what Colin was trying to say and it was true. That just didn’t fit to Colin at all.
“But we love you regardless, Colin. Everyone goes through shit times. I won’t like you less because you don’t feel well, Colin.”

“You say that now.”

Colin sounded so small and the way he sat there, hunched, defeated, made Thom want to embrace his best friend and not to let go until he felt okay again. Obviously Thom knew this didn’t work, so he just sat there, looking at Colin, uncertain what to say.

“I don’t just say that now. “
“Thom, I appreciate it. Thanks. But...” He got up from the couch, “I think I should go now.”
“Why? Where? To Travis?” Thom tried to say the name without too much hatred in his voice but it didn’t quite work.
Colin shrugged.
“Maybe.” He avoided Thom’s gaze who tried to save the situation now.
“I wanted to talk with you about this anyway.”
“No, please Thom, I don’t want to. I can’t discuss this with you right now.”
“No, no, Colin, I just wanted to say that it’s all okay with me.”
“Really?” Colin raised his eyebrows, he didn’t believe him.
“Yes, I’d just... I’d just like you to be honest with me. I mean, what’s left if we can’t even be honest anymore.”
“I’m not lying to you.” Colin narrowed his eyes “but it’s not like we hacen’t done this before. What`s this all about? Just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it but I don’t understand this.”

“Let me into your world again. Let me be a part of your life. Let me be more than just someone who’s there and who’s something unavoidable.”
Thom grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him down on the couch again.
Colin sighed and shook his head. He turned around and looked directly at Thom. He hadn’t seen him like this in so long. Colin looked so tired and exhausted, he was pale and fragile.
He opened and closed his mouth before finally saying “I think I can’t.”

“Why?”
Thom had expected his voice to be whining like a complaining child but it was steady.

“Let’s just see, Thom, okay? You`re too close to me for this and... too important, I guess.”
“I`m too important to be trusted?”
Colin got out of Thom’s grip and stood up again.
“See you tomorrow, Thom.”
“Didn’t you say you`re not going to their studio tonight?”
“Well, I’m not going to their studio.”

With this Colin left.
Thom stared after him.

“Did you fight again?”

Thom turned around to face Jonny.
“I don’t know. Where do you...? I thought you had gone home.”
“Yeah, I would have.”
“But?”
“I was worried you were going to end up beating Colin.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I meant, I was worried about you two dighting again.”
“Oh well” Thom shrugged “You needn’t have worried.”
“Thom, I – “ Jonny stopped, closed his eyes and held out an arm in Thom’s direction.
It looked more than just a bit odd.
“Are you okay, Jonny?”
“Yes, I, just” he slowly opened his eyes “Uh, Thom”, he stepped closer to him.
“Normally you’re perfectly capable of speaking coherently. Are you sure you’re alright? You seem a bit nervous to me, I must say.”

“I miss you” Jonny blurted out.
“You miss me? I’m right here. You know what I miss though? I miss your brother. And I miss you all acting normal.”
Jonny looked hurt. “I act normal. I just miss you.”
“You got to be kidding, Jonny” Thom said angrily.
“We shouldn’t ever have stopped.” He grabbed Thom’s shoulder trying to make him look up.
“You’re crazy.” Thom freed himself. “We ended this for a reson.”
“A shit reason, Thom. I don’t understand your stubbornness. It’s helping noone. You think this is better for our families? I think they’d trather have you happy.”
“I AM happy.”
“What is the problem then? I never w anted to stop, you know this.”

Thom kept silent staring at the floor.
“Let’s not talk about this.
“What? You’re expecting me to accept it like this. ‘Sorry, I’d rather not tell why I can’t be with you, I hope that`s okay with you’”
“You make it sound like I’m just breaking up with you. We had a fling, it’s ages ago.
“Ages ago??” Jonny almost shouted now “It stopped three months ago and how dare you it was nothing.”
“I didn’t say it was nothing. It was just too dangerous. I was scared it would affect out friendship too much. Seems I was right, too.”
“You could have thought of that before” Jonny practically spat the words into Thom’s face.
“It’s nothing you choose anyway. Love isn’t like this.”

“Oh God, Jonny” Thom groaned, burying his face in his hands in desperation. He turned to the window. Jonny waited impatiently.
“Love” Thom muttered “That’s such a big word.”
“How do you mean?” Jonny’s voice was unsteady.
“When we stopped” Thom started, still looking out the window “And I said it was because I found it unfair and it wasn’t right, did you ever consider that I wasn’t talking about my family?”
Jonny held his breath.
“I meant it was unfair because you you.”
“Because of me?” Jonny echoed confused.
“You’re... listen, you know how much of a great person you are and how important you are to me but I felt you were getting too attachted to me.”

Jonny looked down at his shoes and seemed ten years younger, so insecure and ashamed. It reminded Thom of the time when he had gotten to know him.
“You started everything” Jonny said bitterly, “I’d never even dreamt of it. Why did you start it if you didn’t even want it?”
“But I wanted it!” Thom turned around again and approached Jonny, careful not to come too close. “I wanted you. I, I still want you.”
“What?” Jonny looked up, more than a bit confused.”You just said you didn’t. Your’re contradicting yourself.”
“I don’t LOVE you, Jonny.” That hurt. “Not like this. You`re a good friend and I mean, if this was just about my physical desires then this whole talk would never have happened and we would be naked on that couch over there.”
Jonny flinched, it was obvious that he was trying not to loose himself in that mental image.
“I don’t understand. If you like and you’re attracted to me, then what is wrong?”
“I felt like I was using you all the way long.”
“But how could you when I wanted this!?”
“You want something else. Something I can’t give you.”
Jonny was getting angrier. “How do you know what I want so well, huh? Isn’t this my decision? Let me deal with it! You want me for whatever reason and I want you. Isn’t that enough? I can’t believe you’re so foolish. My intentions aren’t better than yours. I’m not young and naive anymore, I’ve accepted you will never feel the way I do. You and your twisted logic! It doesn’t feel right like this. I miss you. I miss the feeling of your breath on my skin and you still tease me. The way you look at me sometimes and then you suddenly look away to talk to Phil or to laugh with Ed and I never understood it because... arugh. Can`t you start being unreasonable again and do what you want to do? Because that is what =I= want..”

“Jonny..” Thom tried to calm him down.
“Don’t ‘Jonny’ me. I’ve had this long enough. I’m not giving up this time.”
“I don’t think this is right, Jonny.”

He bit his lip. He was trying to sort out what he wanted but it wasn’t easy while facing Jonny like this. He had meant what he had said. He just wasn’t in love with him. Sure he had had a crush on him back in the day and he still more than understood why. Even when he glared at him this furiously from behind the curtain of his hair he looked adorable.

“But it is.”
Jonny forcefully pushed himself against Thom.
“How can you say it’s not?”
Both hands around Thom’s neck he pulled his face towards his own, kissing him before he could pull away.
Jonny tasted of nothing much but himself.

“No, No, No, “Thom shook his head slowly and almost whispered.
“Yes, yes, yes” Jonny said just as quietly befroe kissing him again, this time implying a lot more. He softly shoved Thom against the wall while exploring his mouth.
“I’d rather not...” Thom tried weakly.
“I think you’re lying there.” Jonny said while kissing his jawbone and unbuttoning Thom’s trousers.
“Shit, Jonny, why are you doing this? This is complicating everything.”
Jonny stopped him from going on by pressing their lips together. Thom wished he wouldn’t like this so much. Wished he would not react Jonny like this. He tried but after a few moments he couldn’t stop himself anymore and he had his hands in Jonny’s hair and kissed back just as forcefully. Jonny broke their kiss. “Willy you shut up now and stop pretending you don’t want this?”
Thom nodded.

He closed his eyes and wished this would last forever and pass as fast as possible at the same time. It was good. Of course it was good. It was always good with Jonny but this was against everything he had planned. Everything he had arranged in his mind and with himself.
He felt guilty while he moaned. When he came inside Jonny’s mouth he shivered and pulled away right afterwards. He put on his pants and trousers and didn’t dare to look at Jonny.

“Thom don’t run away.”
“Why did you do this?” he asked calmly.
“Because you wanted it.”
“I clearly didn’t. I...”
“You weren’t exactly complaining!”

He tried to touch his shoulder but Thom wouldn’t let him.

“So even if I enjoyed this, how does it make things any better? It doesn’t. It’s all a bloody mess now.”
“It’s always been a mess. Whether you admit you like me or not, whether these things happen once a week or once in three years you know they will. It’s a mess and it won’t stop.”
“Sure it will. You just need to try.”

Jonny laughed bitterly. “You think I haven’t tried? You’re such an arsehole. Do you think it’s easy for me to love you? I wish I wouldn’t. I wish I’d never fallen for you. I never know what to think of you, I’ve got so many good reasons to just drop it and I don’t know why I keep thinking that maybe something will change. If you constantly were as horrible as you are right now it might work but then something you say or something you do gives me hope again. You can be so nice and caring and I don’t understand.”

Thom wanted to say that he was sorry but he knew it would sound wrong and foolish so he kept silent. He had never heard Jonny speak about this so openly but the facts themselves didn’t come as a surprise to him. He’d always been aware of Jonny’s devotion to him. It made him feel like a cruel person and at the same time attracted to him. Jonny was something he could always rely on. He knew he would stay there. Maybe exactly this had been the reason why Thom had treated him so carelessly.
He had wanted to stop this. He still wanted to stop it. He wanted to treat him fair and the way he deserved it. But Jonny deserved someone who truely loved him back, didn’t he? His wife surely loved him back...
Thom didn’t mind having sex with Jonny now and then. He wouldn’t mind at all if this wasn’t about Jonny’s stability and he felt each time, each time Thom became weak, it equally weakened their friendship and Jonny’s mental state.
How could he treat him right if what really wanted and deserved was sheerly impossible?

PART SEVEN
“We need some food” Colin announced.
Fran frowned.
“Yes, we need to go out and do some shopping.”
“Oh no.”, he moaned. “I can think of better things to do than going shopping with you.”
“What do you want to do instead? I don’t want to end up starving.”
“We can just have someone come over and bring us something. Then we could eat and still be able to... you know.”
Colin cocked an eyebrow. “What? You want to shag yet again? We just got dressed.”
“No!”, Fran said embarrassed. “No, I didn’t mean that. I just meant... being alone with you. I like it much better when noone’s around. Not just because of what you might think. “ He blushed a bit.
“No, I understand”, Colin reassured.
“I like to be alone with you, too. Still I think we should go and do some shopping. We can just buy loads and then we won’t have to go in long time.”
“Then you’ll have to go to your stupid band again and leave anyway.”
“You leave for your band, too... And they’re not stupid.”
“Yes, they are.” Fran said child-like, “They are stupid because they take you away from me.”
Colin laughed loudly and mussed Fran’s hair. “Come on, you big abby, let’s get some nice lunch, dinner and everything. I feel like I would could something as big as Ed.”

In front of the organic food shop Colin stopped and dragged Fran inside.
“Looking at all thses things makes me even hungrier than I already was. “
Fran looked around the shop. “Do you never go into normal grovery stores?”
“How do you mean normal?”
“Well here everything is so... so organic.”
Colin smiled. “Yeah. Thom got me into that long ago. I think it just tastes better. Besides all the right reasons to go here...”
“Okay” Fran shrugged and continued inspecting the shelves. “Some of the things here look a bit strange though.”
“Don’t act as if you’ve never been into anything outside your local supermarket.”
“I can’t remember... for all I know it really might be the first time in such a shop.”
“Weirdo.” Colin stuck out his tongue.
“You, too.”
“I know.”
Colin smiled at him and briefly stroked over his hand, causing him to smile as well.
“Hey, could you fo and get us some good bread over there. I’ll start looking for the other stuff meanwhile.”
Fran walked off into the opposite direction of Colin who went over to one of his favourite sections: sweets. He bent over all kinds of Fair Trade chocolate when he felt a warm hand his back. He jumped in surprise and his mouth fell open when he saw Thom standing next to to him.
“What are you doing here?” Colin asked shocked.
“The same as you, I would think. This is if I’m not mistaken and you’re really here to buy nutrients.”
“Er, yes, of course but...”
Thom blinked. “Why are you so surprised to see me here?”
“I.. it’s just a weird coincidence, that’s all.”
“Yeah well.” He looked athe shelf infront of him. “I`m feeling like chocolate as well.”
He randomly grabbed a few bars and put them in his basket. “What? Cozzie you’re still looking at me as if you’d seen a ghost.”
“No, no, it’s okay.”
“Are you nervous or something?”
“No. Drop it. I’m happy to see you. I just didn’t expect it.”
“Aw.” Thom smiled, put his basket down and to Colin’s bewilderment he pulled him into a close embrace. “Wow, I haven’t hugged you in forever.”
“I know” Colin said uneasily.
“Hey, Colin! Is that the bread you wanted? I had no idea so I just took something.”
Fran appeared from behind the corner and looked at them with a puzzled expression on his face. “Eh, hi”, he said to Thom, still holding the load in his hands like a trophy.
He threw an asking glance at Colin but Colin looked to the ground.
Thom let go of him and seemed just as surprised as Fran. Only that he also seemed angered.
“Hi” he replied and then looked at Colin again who finally looked up again.
“Er, Thom, this is Fran Healy. You know, the singer of Travis.”
“Oh yes, I remember, I think you’ve mentioned him once. Maybe.”
Colin looked at him somewhat pleadingly and was more than happy when he said “Shame I got to hurry. I really would like to stay and chat with you two.”
He threw his arms around Colin possessively and pressed him to himself tightly.
“Thanks” Colin mumbled into his shoulder.
“I think we really should talk”, Thom said coldly. He stroked over Colin’s back and let go. He fake-smiled at Fran and waved as he left the shop.
Colin stared after him and Fran looked at Colin staring after him.

Outside the shop Fran was trying to sort out what had just happened.
“What was that all about?”
“What?” Colin asked, adjusting the full shopping bags so that they wouldn’t slide off his shoulders.
“In there, with Thom.”
“Whay, what do you mean?” Colin bit his lip and continued walking back home, not looking at Fran.
“You know what I mean. I’m not sure why but he seemed to hate me.”
Colin laughed but it didn’t sound fully convincing.
“He doesn’t hate you. That’s just what he’s like.”
“Charming.”

They continued walking in silence until Fran dared to ask “You, you never were together like that, were you? You and Thom? I – “ He stopped and held his breath, waiting for Colin to answer.
Colin looked up from his feet. “I’m not sure I want to discuss this right now. Can’t we talk about this... later?”
Fran seemed to tense immediately but nodded.
“Okay.”

PART EIGHT
Colin put down the bags on the kitchen table. He got out a bottle of water from the fridge and went to the bedroom without taking care of the freshly bought fruit.

He kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed. His hands folded in his lap he looked down at his feet. They looked quite unappealing in those shabby socks. He should have thrown them away long ago. He normally wasn’t the type to keep things that were scratchy in any way. He had had other things on his mind, apparently.

He felt that Fran had entered the room. Upon looking up Colin noticed he had gotten off his shoes, too. He wore nicer socks. Nice black silky socks, it seemed.
Fran leant against the doorframe and watched Colin almost scared, certainly worried, not knowing what to expect.

They looked each other in the eyes until Colin fell back onto the bed with a loud sigh.
“So, would you now talk about it?”, Fran asked bravely. He stepped closer to the bed. “I don’t want to force you to talk about something you don’t like to but...”

“No, no”
It came from the bed. Colin was shaking his head. He sounded tired.
“It’s okay. Let’s talk.”

Fran hesitated and then went down to sit next to Colin.
“So...” he started uneasily. “About you and Thom...”
“There’s nothing.” Colin replied before he’d finished. “He just has a ... possessive nature.”
“You’ve dated him?”
Colin laughed which made feel Fran even less sure about himself.
“Me and Thom dating? You mean, like, officially and all? No.” He sniggered again.

Almost a bit offended Fran tried to dig deeper.
“Why did you not want to talk about it then?”

Colin looked to the side where Fran was sitting and said: “I love Thom. I love him very very much and I’d hate to lose him.”
“You love him?” Fran cocked an eyebrow.
“Yes, he’s my best friend.”
“Don’t bullshit me. ‘Best friend’. I got a best friend myself. That is not the same.”
“What do you know about my friendship to Thom?”
“Nothing, but...”
“Are you just worried because he seemed to dislike you?”
Fran opened his mouth but paused. “Uh – maybe.”, he admitted.
“I don’t know. I haven’t known you for that long and I’ve done nothing wrong but there he is looking at me like I’m stealing you from him.”
“You are. In a way.”
“What?!”

“I mean, from his point of view. I don’t really talk to him anymore and he knows I spend so much time with you guys and – what would you think? I’m avoiding him and opening up to you. Thom should know things don’t work that easily, that you’re not a replacement for him, but what would this look like to you?”

“But you’re not having sex, are you?”

Colin laughed loudly. “Was that what you’re worried about all the time? No. We don’t.”
Fran still looked doubtful so he added “and we never had. Really. I’ll leave that to my brother.”

There was a sudden and awkward silence. Colin saw that Fran was staring into the air and followed his gaze.

“There might have been a time, once, when we were younger, when I did think that I wanted us to be something else. When I was just so happy and thought maybe all this fooling around meant something more. But I was wrong. That was exactly what it was: fooling around, and somehow we both always knew it, too.”

Fran rubbed his eyes without looking at him.
“I need to go and take a shower.”

Colin watched him leave the room. He felt he had said the wrong things but it had been unavoidable. He did not want to lie to yet another person.




Thom walked home in rage.
He knew he should calm down.
He should. But it didn’t work.
So Colin wouldn’t talk to him because he had found someone worthier of his time.
He preferred that idiot with his silly hair and silly... Well, he had to admit Fran looked fairly normal. That was the thing. How could Colin prefer someone bland like this over him all of a sudden?

“Oh no”, Thom formed the words with his mouth without making a sound.
The moment he saw Jonny his anger about Colin turned into anger towards him.
“What are you doing here?” he hissed angrily while fishing for his keys.
“I met Rachel on her way out. She told me you’d be right back.”
“That’s not what I asked. What are you doing here?”
“I’m waiting for you.” He said it so softly as if if what he really wanted to say was ‘I’m waiting for you, like I always do. All the time.’

Thom grunted disapprovingly. “What do you want?”
He turned around, his back to the front door. He looked a bit like a midget security guard with the mission not to let a certain Jonny Greenwood in.

“I want to talk to you.”

Thom forced himself to roll his eyes.
He let him in anyway.

“Is anything wrong?” Jonny tugged his sleeves over his hands as far as they would let him.
“Everything’s wrong, Jonny, but you wouldn’t understand these things anyway.”

He wanted to wind him up. Sometimes that could be quite a challenge but not today it seemed.

“What do you mean?” Jonny shrieked. “Why would I not understand it?”

“Jonny” Thom smiled. It looked a bit freaky. “What did you come here for? What are you thinking you’ll get out of this, mhm?”
“I need to talk to you. Colin is right, I...”
“Colin my arse. Did he tell you to come here to me? And you followed his advice again? My dear Jonny, you’re brother is fucked up in the head himself. I’m not sure I’d listen to everything he says so closely. “
“Colin isn’t fucked up.”, Jonny said irritated.
“I bet just like you aren’t.” Thom laughed hollowly.

Jonny shook his head. “I just came here to talk.”
“What is there to talk about? I’ve said everything I had to say. So unless you’re here to discuss anything musicwise I don’t see the point”
“I`m..” Jonny was getting insecure again. Thom always knew how to do that.
“I can tell you the point though. You’ve just come for a fuck again, haven’t you? Wasn’t that what you were secretly hoping for?”
“No.”
“That’s no use, Jonny. You can’t fool me. I know it anyway. I just don’t understand how that’s helping you. Am I so irresistible?” He laughed bitterly. “I doubt it. So what’s the point?”

Jonny didn’t answer which encouraged Thom to go on.
“Isn’t that really sad? Don’t you think?”
He stepped closer to Jonny until they were almost nose-to-nose.

“Isn’t that quite pathetic? Just for a cheap fuck?”

He touched Jonny’s jaw lightly and moved over to his mouth.
He kissed him gently.
He rubbed his shoulders and made him turn around, carefully, not letting go of him.

“But that’s okay, you know.”
He roughly shoved him against the wall and pressed him into it.
“After all, that’s everything I can give you.”




Fran stood in the shower.
He had been showering for an eternity now.
The longer he stayed in the bathroom the later he’d have to face Colin again.
It shouldn’t hurt so much.
It was a fact that Colin loved other people more than him.
Ha, love! If he loved him at all that was.
So – it was a fact that there were people he cared more about.
And that was okay. Reasonable too, considering that they’d go separate ways soon again. Well, soon was an understatement. Much, much, much too soon. Every day it got a little bit worse because Fran knew he’d miss him. A lot. And he wasn’t so sure if Colin would.

He felt as if there’d been a silent agreement that once this was all over and Travis would be heading back to Scotland, it would be over for real.
And somehow Colin really did not want this.
Just exactly what else he was hoping for he didn’t know.
A romantic on-and-off love affair that they’d keep secret?
Or for both of them to throw it all away and run off together?
Or just for Colin to come with him?
The last option certainly sounded appealing but Fran was aware of its utopian impossibility.

He opened his mouth to let some water run into it. A sound at the door startled him, made him choke and cough.
Only a moment later the curtain was drawn aside and Colin stepped inside the shower.
There he stood, all naked and beautiful. Fran suddenly felt very insecure and shy. Damned Colin for always making him feel like this, for having so much control over him.
Colin smiled.
Fran got hard.
Which didn’t help his incertitude.
Where was he supposed to look at? He settled for Colin’s face but maybe that wasn’t such a great idea after all. He felt dizzy and had to lean his back against the tiles.
Colin came closer. His dark hair even darkes as it got wet, turning from shiny into a different kind of shiny.
His fingers found Fran’s shoulders and wandered lower until he they reached his hands.

Colin dropped to his knees and carefully put his hands on Fran’s hips.
“No, please don’t.”
Puzzled Colin looked up.
“Please, come up here again.”
“Why?” Colin wasn’t smiling anymore.
He narrowed his eyes, let go of Fran and got up.
“Because” Fran bit his lip. Oh shit, he was crying. Crying! It hit him that Colin actually wouldn’t be able to tell with all that water running down his face.
Colin narrowed his eyes even more, if that’s possible.
“Are you crying?”, he asked, honestly astonished.
So he was able to tell after all.
“What’s wrong?” He touched his cheek as if to wipe the tears away. A pointless motion, simply done to comfort him.
“I love you.”
“But that’s good.” He looked at him with big hopeful eyes but Fran shook his head and with a tear-stained voice tried to explain. “No, I love you. I’m in love with you. I don’t want to go.”
“You’re not going.”
“I am going. It’s eight days left, nine if I’m lucky and when I’m gone you won’t want me anymore.”

Colin slung his arms around the other’s shoulders and held him close.
“I doesn’t mean it’s the last time we see eachother.” He stroked over Fran’s wet back. “Why do you think I wouldn’t want to meet you again?”
“Because...” Fran turned his head to look at his face “Because you’ve got everything. I’m just a simple amusement on the way through.”
“That’s not true and you should now it. I do like you. I really do and I’m grateful that I’ve met you. Things never stay the same for very long anyway but we can still meet eachother sometimes if you want to. I know I do. I’ve heard Scotland’s beautiful...”
“I will hate it there without you.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
“ But I want to be with you.”
“We’ll meet as soon as possible.”
“When is that? In two months? In a year?”
Colin shook his head. “Just believe me, we’ll find ways. And we can still talk to eachother on the phone.”
“I don’t want to talk to you!”
Colin cocked an eyebrow and Fran started blushing again. “I mean, I don’t just want to talk to you. I want to see you. I want to wake up next to you.”
“What do you want me to do?” Colin asked earnestly.
“I don’t know.” He looked up. “Just kiss me now and make me forget about it. I don’t want to moan when it’s the only time I still can be with you.”

Colin smiled and pulled down Fran’s face to his. It was a long, slow and sad kiss.

“It didn’t work.” Fran stated, shaking his head.
“I promise you we’ll use these last days very well.”
Fran sniffed.
“Where will we spend them?”
Colin laughed. “In bed of course.”

Spitting Feathers (Coldplay)

Chris was standing right in the doorway, still thinking about the concert they had played that night. It had unexpectedly gone very well. The audience had been great and the band felt as good as they had never felt before. They had not pnly on their instruments, they also thought that they could do nothing else than this, they were the music.
Now, Chris’ glance rested upon Jonny who sat in an armchair reading a book. The other’s female features appeared to be pleasing to everyone who knew him. His nice character only added to this: He was a clam and friendly person, always willing to help. He had always been important in Chris’ life, being his best friend and bandmate, but lately Chris was concerned. Jonny behaves strangely and no one knew why. He was moody and did not reply, always absent-minded and he only showed up to the band rehearsals and left immediately afterwards.

Still pondering, Chris slowly moved into Jonny’s direction.

“Jonny, I need to talk to you.”

Jonny did not reply.

“Oh come on. I can’t stand you just being all this moody and simply unhappy.”

“There’s not much I could about that, is there?”

“But Jonny, I am unhappy if I see you like that.”

Jonny shook his head and thus ended the conversation or at least he intended to do so because Chris would not let himself to be stopped from talking.

“Hey, Jonny... What’s wrong?”, he tried carefully.

Jonny would not answer.

“Jonny. Talk to me!”

“Okay, so what?”

Chris shrugged. “I thought we might just talk.”

“Then I have to dissapoint you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris felt hurt and glanced sadly at Jonny, before he turner around to leave the room. He could not understand why Jonny was so much tahn quiter than usual, especially in his company.



While Chris walked down the hallway he wondered what the reasons for Jonny’s strange behaviour might have been. Chris couldn’t point out when exactly Jonny had started to change. The worst thing was that he would not talk about it. Chris had tried to approach him several times but he would always just back off or tell him he’d been imagining things and not everyone could be as quitky and happy all the time.

Chris entered the small kitchen. He found Guy in there struggeling with some teabags.

“Since when do you drink tea?” Chris wondered out loud.

“I don’t. It’s for Will.”, Guy said, as if that made any more sense.

“Since when does Will drink tea then?”

“He’s got a sore throat.”

Chris watched curiously as Guy poured hot water in a mug.

“Why’s he not making tea himself then?”

Guy shrugged dropping a teabag into the water.
“He’s at the phone. Something to do with his daughter.”

Chris raised his eyebrows.
“How do you mean ‘something’?”

“I don’t know. He just said that to me.”

“... So you’re making him tea?”

Guy looked up.
“It was the first thing I came up with so I could escape from the room.”

Chris new what he meant and immediately pictured him in the doorway listening to Will talking on the phone while Guy tried his best not follow the discussion he could only hear part of anyway and was eager to leave the room.

“He really does have a sore throat, though.”, Guy added.

“You want to go back? “, Chris asked making a movement with his head into the direction of the teacup that Guy was clutching to.
Guy shrugged lightly and left the room. Chris followed him.
Will wasn’t at the phone anymore so they both went back to the living room.
“I don’t really understand this” Guy said while the entered “Why did they give us one appartement with four rooms and not just seperate hotel rooms?”

“I dont know. It’s not really importent though, is it? Better than back when we still had two room in total.”

Especially now, Chris thought looking at Jonny who still sat in the armchair reading, it looked he had not moved an inch since Chris had left the room. If I had to share a room with him now I’d probably freeze to death from those icycold looks he throws at the all the time.
Jonny hadn’t looked up when they had come in but Will had. He sat at the window. Chris wasn’t sure how to interpret his glance.
“What is it?” he asked straight away.

“Oh, it’s”, he paused a second, trying to think of how to say it, “my daughter’s in the hospital right now. It’s nothing bad, just a check-up because she’s having problems with her lungs again and is coughing a lot.”

Chris looked at him pitying but Will assured it really was nothing bad. “She’s not in danger or anything, I’d just rather be with them right now.”

Suddenly Jonny spoke up from across the room, “I sometimes think we shouldn’t have gone touring again so early.”

“Why?” Chris asked, not understanding why he had just said this and how this had anything to do with it.

“Just, you know” Jonny looked at his book “Maybe we should spend less time together as a band. We’re neglecting our families and I think it’d be good for us all if we week it a bit slower. It’s not like we need to tour right now. We don’t need the money.”
He looked up, staring at them. “Don’t you agree?”

Chris was a bit frightened how planned Jonny’s little speech had sounded, he had probably thought about it a long time already.
Everyone could feel the tension in the room, or at least Chris thought so. It wasn’t was if he never missed his family, he did, they all did, but the way Jonny had it, was so unusually harsh. It had rather sounded like a suggestion to stop playing at all than to reduce the amount of concerts. Or maybe Chris was just imaging things again. He didn’t understand Jonny, lately he hardly understood him anyway.

Chris eyed Guy who just seemed to remember he still held Will’s tea. He handed it to Will who looked a bit surprised and mumbled a “Thank You”.

Someone still had to answer Jonny’s question.

Chris wanted to tell Jonny he himself had no proper family anway, just a wife somewhere, but that would hardly have helped and he knew it. But that only helped because he wasn’t angry enough. Yet. He was in a few phases before that one, the one where he simply didn’t understand.

“I don’t know”, Will said, “I guess we need to try out the new songs at one point anyway. I mean, how or whether they work live. I really didn’t mean I want to tour less when I said I wanted to be home now. That’s hardly your fault, I mean, I like touring...”

“You do?”, Guy asked.

Chris looked at Guy equally surprised. “You don’t?”

“Yeah, sure...” Guy tried to assure, “I mean, I like playing live.”

Chris looked back at Jonny. He held the closes book firmly in his hands and didn’t move. “Alright”, he said strangely calm. “I was just thinking... I need to sleep.” He got up, left his book where he had been sitting and the left the others wondering.

“I don’t know why he said that, especially today, the concert was great, wasn’t it?”, Will asked before taking a sip of his tea.

So I’m not just imagining things, Chris thought, looking at Guy who had just stepped a few metres away from Will towards the window and looked outside. It’s not just me, he really IS acting weirdly.




The following days, no one of the band raised the topic of whether they should stop touring or nott again and Chris was gals no one did. He had continued watching Jonny and was still wondering how he could approach him, as the several attempts he had made had failed. So he just kept on having an eye on Jonny, always prepared for something to happen. But nothing happened. Nothing at all, which started to drive Chris crazy. The whole band just played another two concerts and went back to their hotel rooms, hardly talking to each other.
Then, one evening, Chris approached Will to talk about Jonny.

“Hey Will!”

“Oh, it’s you, Chris.” Will raised his head from the newspaper he was reading.

“I wanted to talk to you about Jonny.”

“Okay.”

“I... I realized that you also noticed that he is behaving strangely.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“So... Do you think it’s the touring?”

“It might be. He doesn’t like touring, like Guy.”

“But..I can’t explain to myself why he acting weirdly.”

Will shrugged. “Neither can I. But... You what, Chris? Don’t worry about it.”

“I... I can’t. I wonder what’s wrong with him.”

“So do I. But we can’t change it, can we?”

“No.” Chris looked at the floor in despair.

“Don`t get upset.” Will padded Chris’ shoulder to comfort him.

“I’ll try...” Chris let out an elongated sigh.

“Are you alright?”, Will asked concerned.

Chris shook his head, his face in his hands.

“Can I help you in any way?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Oh Chris, I’m sure I can.

“No, you don’t understand this.”

“How do you know?”

“No, it’s just..”

Will waited for answer and put his hands in his pockets.

“See Will,” Chris sighed again, “I’ve known Jonny for so long and never ever has he been like this – I don’t see it, I mean, we all got out ups and downs but that’s different. He just wont talk!”

“Listen,” Will tried to calm Chris, “We all got different ways to deal with problems and pressure, you know that. If something’s wrong with you it wont even take five minutes until everyone around you knows. If you get angry you’ll just shout, when someone pisses you off you insult them...”

“I’m not that bad.” Chris insisted.

“But you know, Jonny is not like this. He handles problems differently. “

“I know.” Chris sounded like a child complaining “But it’s never been like this! Normally he’ll a bit tense and quiet for some time and then it’s either over or he’ll talk about it. In a way. Sometimes.”

“Just don’t worry so much. He’ll probably be alright... He’s always been a bit off when we were touring.”

Chris half-shrugged and shook his head. “No, he never was like this.”

Will started to get annoyed “Well, go ask him then” I’ll hardly go and do it for you.”

“I did! That’s the bloody thing” He’s just acting all weird and you saw it yourself!”

“Seriously Chris, just calm.”, Will said, took his paper and went back to reading.

Chris felt ardent rage inside him. Like an armed group of men arranged inside his chest like in an arena. Ardor in their arcts, approaching and apprsing him.
He shook his head, what was the thinking?
He knew where all these weird thought came from. His frustration and anger confused him and he had to venture it somehow. He was angry with Jonny for not talking to him and being like this, with himself because he was not able to deal with it and with Will for not caring enough and not taking his problems seriously.
That left Guy.
Chris scratched his ear and slowly walked over the red scabby carpet to the door. He considered turning around to Will and asking him where Guy was but he still too pissed and just hoped to find him in his room.
And in his room he was.
Guy was sitting on the bed, red covers under his body, holding a book in his hands.

“What’s up with you?”, Chris started jokingly, “First the tea and now you’re reading!”

Guy looked up, smiling a bit. “Look”, he said opening the book at another page and taking out a piece of paper with colourful lines and dots all over it. “Nico made it.”

The little men in Chris’ chest started to fade away and he was touched in a way, by this simple child’s doodling. Being a father he knew how much these things sometimes meant.

Chris pointed at the bed next to where Guy was sitting. “May I?”
A nod. Chris looked around the room while Guy put away the book on his his bedside. It looked a bit different than his room. Smaller and neater. He had no idea why though. They’d only stay for one night and Chris was a neat person. In both senses, he though and tried not to smile at this.

Guy sighed, got up and went to get a cigarette off the table. He lit it and sat down on the bed again. He sat in the corner so he could lean against the wall.

“What is it?” Guy asked and Chris looked up surprised. “I mean, what’s wrong? Why are you here and not with Jonny or Will? I don’t get what’s happening.”

It wasn’t very much like Guy to ask this. What Chris found most striking was how much this sounded like a complaint.

“I..I don’t know.”, Chris said truthfully.
His gaze wwandered to Guy’s chest where it said ‘Wend, Whirl & Wheel’ in white letters on the blue fabric. Chris had always liked that shirt on him. It was fascinating and annoying at the same time that he always had to re-read it when it didn’t even make much sense.

“Did you fight with Jonny?”

Chris laughed a small sad laugh.
“As if, I don’t even get the chance to fight with him.”

Guy finished his cigarette and set there his his hands folded in his lap, looking at his jeans. He didn’t asnwer so Chris went on.

“It’s bloody frustrating. I want to understand it! I hate all this tension adn this misunderstanding.”

“So you don’t wish you’d just be home sometimes?”

“Well”, Chris considered this for a second. He did miss his family, especially because on the last tours he’d always been with Gwyneth and this time he shot a movie somewhere in the U.S.A – with her ex-fiancee, he reminded himself.

“Because I sometimes think I do.”
Guy pulled up his knees to his chest and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.
“And then I think maybe I just want it to be the way it used to be.”

“I don’t think I want it any different except for the thing with Jonny. I love my family, my children.”, Chris said.

“Oh, I’m not talking about my family.”, Guy said putting his head on his knees. “I’m only talking about the band. I often think about back when we started or when we recorded our first Eps and.. “, he didn’t finish his sentence but Chris thought he kneww what he meant.

“Things weren’t better then, you just get nostalgic.”

“This all made so much more sense back then! We knew why we were doing this. Now noone of us does. Where is the point if we all don’t enjoy it anymore?”

“So you think about quitting?” Chris asked upset.

“No...” Guy answered calmly, shaking his head. “No, I don’t. I just think something needs to be changed. I’m just not sure in what way, in which direction and how. All I know is it envolves you getting out of Jonny what is wrong with him.”




Another city, another date, another gig and another tense night.
Guy, Will and Chris got on well but never as lightly as they used to. Well, how could they, with Jonny being totally unapproachable. It really got everyone into a bad mood.

The bell to Chris’s hotel toom rand and he went to answer.
When he opened the door a man around his age looked at him surprised.
“Is, isn’t this Jon Buckland’s room?”, he asked in an almost shy way.

Chris got a strange feeling when he said Jonny’s name. It wasn’t something silly in his chest again, it was lower, deep inside his stomach. A strange protective feeling. Why was this man and what did he want from his Jonny? Admitingly, he hadn’t talked to him in ages now but that didn’t make him any less of his ‘property’.
“He’s not here.”, Chris simply said and glared at him. He looked very insecure now.

“Oh, oh well, because he told me that...” He sounded dissapointed. “Well, nevermind then. Do you know when he’ll be back”

“No.”

“Oh..” He looked away for a second.
“I’m sorry then. Just tell him that Andy was here and that... Just tell him nothing, I guess. Thank you.” Andy tried out a smile but it wouldn’t reach his eyes and Chris felt almost a bit sorry for being so harsh and for lying. Yet he did not spoke any more and watched him leave, walking down the corridor.
Strictly speaking it hadn’t even been lying, right? After all Jonny really hadn’t been here. The fact that his room was right across hall didn’t matter. He hadn’t asked for that...

Ten minutes later Chris stood infront of Jonny’s hotel room. He hesitated a moment whether he should really knock but his body was fater than his mind could decide and already felt his knuckles against the wood.
Jonny looked at him surprised and annoyed at the same time. His haid was a mess and it suited him.

“What is it?”

“There was someone for you.”

“Where is he?”, Jonny asked looking around, which was rather pointless.

“He asked for you.” Chris waited a second before he went on. “I told him you weren’t there.

Cinfrontation-Anger-phase. Chris knew he had skipped a few other phases again, but who cared for conventions anyway?

Jonny glared at Chris.
“Why did you do that?”, he asked, anger in his voice.

“Oh, I don’t know. Who was he? You never tell me anything these days abou you, do how would I know.”

“It’s none of your business.”, Jonny said attempting to close the door but Chris stepped closer and pushed it open.

“Really Jonny, let me talk to you.”

They both stood indside Jonny’s room now.

Jonny sighed heavily. “Why? Where’s the point?”

“Where’s the point? Where’s the freaking point? I need to know what’s wrong with you!”

Jonny turned around. “Why?”

“Why? Because I’m supposed to be your friend. Because I care! And you bloody never talk to me.”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“How about who that guy was. It’s all getting so weird. We might as well be strangers for all I know of you now. “

“Andy’s an old friend. I haven’t seen him in ages. He called me up last night when he found out we where playing here. Are you satisfied now?”

Chris felt a rush of guilt coming to his head. Sending Andy away like this suddenly seemed very childish, yet he only said: “Why don’t I know him?”

“Jesus! Chris, it’s not like as if you knew everyone and everything in my goddamn life” Your lack of interest keeps you from knowing basic and significant things about my life, why would have you have to know who he is?”

Because there was something about the way he said your name that made me feel uneasy and because of the way his eyes lit while he was doing so.
But Chris didn’t say that and maybe, he thought, he had only imagined the eye-lighting-up-thing. That would be typical.

Chris looked at Jonny who was back to looking at his feet again.
Chris felt helpless and a bit foolish now but at least they were talking again. For the first time in so long.

“So...” Jonny said, shuffling his feet.
Chris knew he was still waiting for an answer but what could he say that was the truth without actually being THE truth, as Chris himself wasn’t even sure what that would be.
Maybe avoiding the actual question could work.

“It’s not really about him”, he heard himself say. “It’s that you never tell me anything and you close up and leave me in this pitch black... darkness. Oh man, you know what I mean! I just want to know.”

Jonny walked up to the table and rested his palms on the wooden surface.

“Why do you always have to know, Chris?”

Chris looked at his friend in disbelief, or rather, at his friend’s back.

“I want to. You’re neglecting me, you ignore me and I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Oh damn, Chris!” Jonny say rather loudly, turning around and looking at him in a way that somehow looked hurt. “It’s not just always abouit you! Not everything has to do with Chris, Chris, Chris.”

Chris looked at his friend and found it hard to believe what he had heard. “Why are you saying this? It’s not about me being egoistic, I want to help you. I want to know what’s wrong with you and why you are so unsatisfied – “

“Who says I’m unsatiesfied?”, Jonny asked, queezing his eyes together as if he’d been blinded by light.

“Well, why would you be like this if you weren’t?”

“Because I don’t talk to you doesn’t mean I’m unsatisfied! You’re being unreasonable! And egomanic! Why can’t you accept that there is no bloody problem?”

Chris couldn’t remember hearing Jonny ever shouting like this.

“So you... what? Just suddenly started saying to yourself ‘Oh, from nowon I’ll be miserable and also, I will stop talking to Chris, won’t that be much fun’ What do you want to do? Quit our friendship? YOU CANT. You simply can’t because it’s not a thing one can decide just like this.”

“Why not?” Jonny asked, lowering his voice again already.

“I... Jonny, just tell me what it is, I’m sure we can work it out.”

“There we go again”, Jonny said rolling his eyes, “This is not about you. You wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to talk about it and certainly not with you.”

Chris blinked hard and shook his head. “You bloody arsehole”, he said stepping a bit closer.
“I’ll say it again even though I think you won’t listen anyway but: This is not about me! I want to help you, you idiot! And I want to understand! Because we are, we were, whatever, best friends! What happened to that, huh?

“Well, I’ve been wondering that before.”, Jonny said dryly.

Chris was full of rage, yet the urge to punch Jonny in his face came definitly as a surprise to him. He decided against it and went to the door. He opened it and turned around again only to shout “You arsehole. Why don’t you call up that Andy-guy again. I guess he’ll be more than delighted to hear from you!”

Chris was breathing hard when he came back into his room This had not gone very well. He was about to start crying when he realized he wasn’t alone in the room. Guy looked at him with big eyes.
“How did you get in here?”, Chris managed to ask and supress his tears.

“You left the door open.”, Guy said quickly. “I’ve waited in front of the door but since it was already open I thought...”

“Yeah, sure, nevermind.” Chris said, slowly calming down a bit, making a reassuring gesture with his hand.

“What’s wrong?”, Guy asked.

“Oh, its...”

“It’s Jonny again, right?”

“Yeah, yeah” Chris nodded.

Guy looked concerned. “Maybe, maybe you shouldn’t let this come too close to you. If we want to go on – which I do – we got to keep it together. I don’t know what’s wrong with Jonny but maybe you should just try to ignore it.”

“That´s too hard. And didn’t you tell me that I need to figure it out if I want to keep us together?”

“I know, I did...”

“So what shall I do?”

“You cannt do anything if he won’t let you. We all can’t. Just leave him.”

Chris sat down on the couch. “But I don’t want to. I think I can’t..” he breathed in deep “accept his. I mean”, he looked up at Guy. He really did want to help. He needed to understand what was wrong. It couldn’t stay like this.
“We just fought. Finally!” Chris laughed bitterly.

Guy looked up at him understandingly. He sat down next to him.

“So in the end I guess I have to be thankful for that bloke.”

“What bloke?” Guy asked.

“Just somone who wanted to see Jonny.” Chris wade a thowaways gesture. “It’s not really important.” He now realized that Guy looked rather uncomfortable, his hands in his lap, sitting upright. “What’s wrong?”, Chris asked concerned.
Guy looked up surprised, put his hand in his hair, put it back into his lap, opened his mouth, closed it again and in all this looked rather lost. “I don’t know.”, he finally said.

“What did you want anyway?2

“Huh?”

“I mean, you were waiting for me, weren’t you? Unless you wanted to check out my room I guessed you wanted to talk to me or something.”

“Oh... yes.” Guy spoke slowly as if he didn’t know what to say. “I was, I guess. Maybe it was just about the gig tomorrow. Or... no, it was about Jonny. Yes, I mean, I already said what I wanted, I mean...”

Chris laughed and let himself fall into the couch. He now had to turn his head a bit to still be able to look at Chris. Chris wasn’t sure why he suddenly was so amued by this, a lot of things seemed so absurd lately. “You’re acting all weird, Guy.”

Guy looked away. “I guess I could say the thing about you, couldn’t I?”

“Yeah, well, probably, but we both know why I’m like this.With you, I don’t.”

“Neither do I, I bet it’s the same thing.”

Chris sniggered. “The fact that Jonny won’t talk to me bothers you so much?”

“What’s so funny about that?” Guy said irritated “Maybe it’s rather that you’re all so unbearable lately. Fights are normal, it’s normal that he doesn’t want to talk to you for some time but you’re both acting like it’s the end of the world.”

Chris didn’t laugh now. “Well, if the band broke up....”

Guy eyed him angrily. “This is not about the band breaking up. You know Jonny didn’t really mean what he said earlier. We went through worse. This is about your incapabilitiy to accept Jonny doesn’t always want to be your lapdog.”

“What’s wrong with you? All of you? You’re all angry with me and I have no idea what the hell I should have done wrong! Go, go on and tell me!” He sat up. “This is not about Jonny doing... whatever. I ...” Chris was looking for the right words but they wouldn’t come. Lapdog? What was Guy thinking! He wasn’t missing a pet or someone to follow him around all the time. He was missing his best friend. “I mean, really, tell me what I do wrong.”

Now Guy didn’t seem so sure anymore. “You... you’re always so self-absorbed. It’s no wonder Jonny would get enough of that at some point.”

“Ha, yeah sure. After all those years he suddenly decided that and of course the best way to get out of it is to ignore me.” He crossed his arms infront of his chest. “Do you really think that?”

Guy breathed in deep and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I guess I do. Look, Chris.” He turned around to face him “I really did not want to fight with you. On the contrary. I... We should do something to cheer you up. To cheer up the both of us.”

“What would that be? I remember the last time you tried to cheer me up. Or rather I don’t remember most of it!”

Guy grinned. “See! We haven’t done anything fun in ages!”




Hours later Chris found himself outside a bar. He had no real feeling for time anymore but he guessed that it was early morning. It had to be, he could see the sun already. At least he thought that’s what it was, this red glowing piece of light (he didn’t care that ‘piece of light’ was a rather inaccurate expression).
Guy had been right. It had indeed been fun. It had gotten his mind off things, even though it had just been for a short time. They had talked alot and it had been good. No fights, no tension, nothing of all this that he had had enough of the last months.
It had been good and he was feeling alot better than he had expected to.
Since his marriage Chris’ life had changed and really, he didn’t mind. It was good, he loved his family but hours like these, when you didn’t have to care and everything that at other times seemed so urgent could wait, when you didn’t have to worry, those hours were rare.

Guy was standing behind him. He put his hand on Chris’ shoulder and slung the other arm around him. It was so cold now that they had stepped outside but Guy’s hand on his arm was still warm and so was the rest of him.
Chris could feel his breath against his cheek. Guy was drunk, but he often was. It was rather astonishing that Chris himself felt a bit tipsy. Even though he hadn’t drunken half as much.
Chris wanted to tell him not to go away, not to leave him to the cold again but instead he simply said “Thanks. That was fun.” He pictured Guy smiling next to his ear.

Guy pulled away and Chris turned around surprised. “What?”, he asked. Had he said anything wrong?
He watched his friend who now had his hands in his pockets and looked at his trainers.

“It’s rather cold, isn’t it?”

“You wanna go?”, Chris asked a bit confused.

“Yeah” Then Chris heard him mumbling, “But it’s not really about what I want.”

They walked in silence, Chris wondered how the atmosphere could have changed so suddenly. He was freezing now. I’m getting too old for these childish things, he decided. But really, he just wanted to know what was wrong with Guy. Chris was relieved when he finally started talking.

“I was wondering... if ... if it was me and not Jonny, I mean, if it was me not talking to you, if I was to ignore you – would you care at all?”

“Of course.”, Chris answered quickly and in full seriousness.

They kept on walking. Chris didn’t dare to look up. Then he felt a hand reaching for his’. Guy’s fingers entangeled with hiw own. Chris didn’t know what to make of it but he didn’t oppose. They didn’t pull away until they reached the hotel and all Chris really thought was how nice Guy’s warm palm had felt against his’.