Spitting Feathers (Coldplay)

Chris was standing right in the doorway, still thinking about the concert they had played that night. It had unexpectedly gone very well. The audience had been great and the band felt as good as they had never felt before. They had not pnly on their instruments, they also thought that they could do nothing else than this, they were the music.
Now, Chris’ glance rested upon Jonny who sat in an armchair reading a book. The other’s female features appeared to be pleasing to everyone who knew him. His nice character only added to this: He was a clam and friendly person, always willing to help. He had always been important in Chris’ life, being his best friend and bandmate, but lately Chris was concerned. Jonny behaves strangely and no one knew why. He was moody and did not reply, always absent-minded and he only showed up to the band rehearsals and left immediately afterwards.

Still pondering, Chris slowly moved into Jonny’s direction.

“Jonny, I need to talk to you.”

Jonny did not reply.

“Oh come on. I can’t stand you just being all this moody and simply unhappy.”

“There’s not much I could about that, is there?”

“But Jonny, I am unhappy if I see you like that.”

Jonny shook his head and thus ended the conversation or at least he intended to do so because Chris would not let himself to be stopped from talking.

“Hey, Jonny... What’s wrong?”, he tried carefully.

Jonny would not answer.

“Jonny. Talk to me!”

“Okay, so what?”

Chris shrugged. “I thought we might just talk.”

“Then I have to dissapoint you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

Chris felt hurt and glanced sadly at Jonny, before he turner around to leave the room. He could not understand why Jonny was so much tahn quiter than usual, especially in his company.



While Chris walked down the hallway he wondered what the reasons for Jonny’s strange behaviour might have been. Chris couldn’t point out when exactly Jonny had started to change. The worst thing was that he would not talk about it. Chris had tried to approach him several times but he would always just back off or tell him he’d been imagining things and not everyone could be as quitky and happy all the time.

Chris entered the small kitchen. He found Guy in there struggeling with some teabags.

“Since when do you drink tea?” Chris wondered out loud.

“I don’t. It’s for Will.”, Guy said, as if that made any more sense.

“Since when does Will drink tea then?”

“He’s got a sore throat.”

Chris watched curiously as Guy poured hot water in a mug.

“Why’s he not making tea himself then?”

Guy shrugged dropping a teabag into the water.
“He’s at the phone. Something to do with his daughter.”

Chris raised his eyebrows.
“How do you mean ‘something’?”

“I don’t know. He just said that to me.”

“... So you’re making him tea?”

Guy looked up.
“It was the first thing I came up with so I could escape from the room.”

Chris new what he meant and immediately pictured him in the doorway listening to Will talking on the phone while Guy tried his best not follow the discussion he could only hear part of anyway and was eager to leave the room.

“He really does have a sore throat, though.”, Guy added.

“You want to go back? “, Chris asked making a movement with his head into the direction of the teacup that Guy was clutching to.
Guy shrugged lightly and left the room. Chris followed him.
Will wasn’t at the phone anymore so they both went back to the living room.
“I don’t really understand this” Guy said while the entered “Why did they give us one appartement with four rooms and not just seperate hotel rooms?”

“I dont know. It’s not really importent though, is it? Better than back when we still had two room in total.”

Especially now, Chris thought looking at Jonny who still sat in the armchair reading, it looked he had not moved an inch since Chris had left the room. If I had to share a room with him now I’d probably freeze to death from those icycold looks he throws at the all the time.
Jonny hadn’t looked up when they had come in but Will had. He sat at the window. Chris wasn’t sure how to interpret his glance.
“What is it?” he asked straight away.

“Oh, it’s”, he paused a second, trying to think of how to say it, “my daughter’s in the hospital right now. It’s nothing bad, just a check-up because she’s having problems with her lungs again and is coughing a lot.”

Chris looked at him pitying but Will assured it really was nothing bad. “She’s not in danger or anything, I’d just rather be with them right now.”

Suddenly Jonny spoke up from across the room, “I sometimes think we shouldn’t have gone touring again so early.”

“Why?” Chris asked, not understanding why he had just said this and how this had anything to do with it.

“Just, you know” Jonny looked at his book “Maybe we should spend less time together as a band. We’re neglecting our families and I think it’d be good for us all if we week it a bit slower. It’s not like we need to tour right now. We don’t need the money.”
He looked up, staring at them. “Don’t you agree?”

Chris was a bit frightened how planned Jonny’s little speech had sounded, he had probably thought about it a long time already.
Everyone could feel the tension in the room, or at least Chris thought so. It wasn’t was if he never missed his family, he did, they all did, but the way Jonny had it, was so unusually harsh. It had rather sounded like a suggestion to stop playing at all than to reduce the amount of concerts. Or maybe Chris was just imaging things again. He didn’t understand Jonny, lately he hardly understood him anyway.

Chris eyed Guy who just seemed to remember he still held Will’s tea. He handed it to Will who looked a bit surprised and mumbled a “Thank You”.

Someone still had to answer Jonny’s question.

Chris wanted to tell Jonny he himself had no proper family anway, just a wife somewhere, but that would hardly have helped and he knew it. But that only helped because he wasn’t angry enough. Yet. He was in a few phases before that one, the one where he simply didn’t understand.

“I don’t know”, Will said, “I guess we need to try out the new songs at one point anyway. I mean, how or whether they work live. I really didn’t mean I want to tour less when I said I wanted to be home now. That’s hardly your fault, I mean, I like touring...”

“You do?”, Guy asked.

Chris looked at Guy equally surprised. “You don’t?”

“Yeah, sure...” Guy tried to assure, “I mean, I like playing live.”

Chris looked back at Jonny. He held the closes book firmly in his hands and didn’t move. “Alright”, he said strangely calm. “I was just thinking... I need to sleep.” He got up, left his book where he had been sitting and the left the others wondering.

“I don’t know why he said that, especially today, the concert was great, wasn’t it?”, Will asked before taking a sip of his tea.

So I’m not just imagining things, Chris thought, looking at Guy who had just stepped a few metres away from Will towards the window and looked outside. It’s not just me, he really IS acting weirdly.




The following days, no one of the band raised the topic of whether they should stop touring or nott again and Chris was gals no one did. He had continued watching Jonny and was still wondering how he could approach him, as the several attempts he had made had failed. So he just kept on having an eye on Jonny, always prepared for something to happen. But nothing happened. Nothing at all, which started to drive Chris crazy. The whole band just played another two concerts and went back to their hotel rooms, hardly talking to each other.
Then, one evening, Chris approached Will to talk about Jonny.

“Hey Will!”

“Oh, it’s you, Chris.” Will raised his head from the newspaper he was reading.

“I wanted to talk to you about Jonny.”

“Okay.”

“I... I realized that you also noticed that he is behaving strangely.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“So... Do you think it’s the touring?”

“It might be. He doesn’t like touring, like Guy.”

“But..I can’t explain to myself why he acting weirdly.”

Will shrugged. “Neither can I. But... You what, Chris? Don’t worry about it.”

“I... I can’t. I wonder what’s wrong with him.”

“So do I. But we can’t change it, can we?”

“No.” Chris looked at the floor in despair.

“Don`t get upset.” Will padded Chris’ shoulder to comfort him.

“I’ll try...” Chris let out an elongated sigh.

“Are you alright?”, Will asked concerned.

Chris shook his head, his face in his hands.

“Can I help you in any way?”

“Don’t think so.”

“Oh Chris, I’m sure I can.

“No, you don’t understand this.”

“How do you know?”

“No, it’s just..”

Will waited for answer and put his hands in his pockets.

“See Will,” Chris sighed again, “I’ve known Jonny for so long and never ever has he been like this – I don’t see it, I mean, we all got out ups and downs but that’s different. He just wont talk!”

“Listen,” Will tried to calm Chris, “We all got different ways to deal with problems and pressure, you know that. If something’s wrong with you it wont even take five minutes until everyone around you knows. If you get angry you’ll just shout, when someone pisses you off you insult them...”

“I’m not that bad.” Chris insisted.

“But you know, Jonny is not like this. He handles problems differently. “

“I know.” Chris sounded like a child complaining “But it’s never been like this! Normally he’ll a bit tense and quiet for some time and then it’s either over or he’ll talk about it. In a way. Sometimes.”

“Just don’t worry so much. He’ll probably be alright... He’s always been a bit off when we were touring.”

Chris half-shrugged and shook his head. “No, he never was like this.”

Will started to get annoyed “Well, go ask him then” I’ll hardly go and do it for you.”

“I did! That’s the bloody thing” He’s just acting all weird and you saw it yourself!”

“Seriously Chris, just calm.”, Will said, took his paper and went back to reading.

Chris felt ardent rage inside him. Like an armed group of men arranged inside his chest like in an arena. Ardor in their arcts, approaching and apprsing him.
He shook his head, what was the thinking?
He knew where all these weird thought came from. His frustration and anger confused him and he had to venture it somehow. He was angry with Jonny for not talking to him and being like this, with himself because he was not able to deal with it and with Will for not caring enough and not taking his problems seriously.
That left Guy.
Chris scratched his ear and slowly walked over the red scabby carpet to the door. He considered turning around to Will and asking him where Guy was but he still too pissed and just hoped to find him in his room.
And in his room he was.
Guy was sitting on the bed, red covers under his body, holding a book in his hands.

“What’s up with you?”, Chris started jokingly, “First the tea and now you’re reading!”

Guy looked up, smiling a bit. “Look”, he said opening the book at another page and taking out a piece of paper with colourful lines and dots all over it. “Nico made it.”

The little men in Chris’ chest started to fade away and he was touched in a way, by this simple child’s doodling. Being a father he knew how much these things sometimes meant.

Chris pointed at the bed next to where Guy was sitting. “May I?”
A nod. Chris looked around the room while Guy put away the book on his his bedside. It looked a bit different than his room. Smaller and neater. He had no idea why though. They’d only stay for one night and Chris was a neat person. In both senses, he though and tried not to smile at this.

Guy sighed, got up and went to get a cigarette off the table. He lit it and sat down on the bed again. He sat in the corner so he could lean against the wall.

“What is it?” Guy asked and Chris looked up surprised. “I mean, what’s wrong? Why are you here and not with Jonny or Will? I don’t get what’s happening.”

It wasn’t very much like Guy to ask this. What Chris found most striking was how much this sounded like a complaint.

“I..I don’t know.”, Chris said truthfully.
His gaze wwandered to Guy’s chest where it said ‘Wend, Whirl & Wheel’ in white letters on the blue fabric. Chris had always liked that shirt on him. It was fascinating and annoying at the same time that he always had to re-read it when it didn’t even make much sense.

“Did you fight with Jonny?”

Chris laughed a small sad laugh.
“As if, I don’t even get the chance to fight with him.”

Guy finished his cigarette and set there his his hands folded in his lap, looking at his jeans. He didn’t asnwer so Chris went on.

“It’s bloody frustrating. I want to understand it! I hate all this tension adn this misunderstanding.”

“So you don’t wish you’d just be home sometimes?”

“Well”, Chris considered this for a second. He did miss his family, especially because on the last tours he’d always been with Gwyneth and this time he shot a movie somewhere in the U.S.A – with her ex-fiancee, he reminded himself.

“Because I sometimes think I do.”
Guy pulled up his knees to his chest and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.
“And then I think maybe I just want it to be the way it used to be.”

“I don’t think I want it any different except for the thing with Jonny. I love my family, my children.”, Chris said.

“Oh, I’m not talking about my family.”, Guy said putting his head on his knees. “I’m only talking about the band. I often think about back when we started or when we recorded our first Eps and.. “, he didn’t finish his sentence but Chris thought he kneww what he meant.

“Things weren’t better then, you just get nostalgic.”

“This all made so much more sense back then! We knew why we were doing this. Now noone of us does. Where is the point if we all don’t enjoy it anymore?”

“So you think about quitting?” Chris asked upset.

“No...” Guy answered calmly, shaking his head. “No, I don’t. I just think something needs to be changed. I’m just not sure in what way, in which direction and how. All I know is it envolves you getting out of Jonny what is wrong with him.”




Another city, another date, another gig and another tense night.
Guy, Will and Chris got on well but never as lightly as they used to. Well, how could they, with Jonny being totally unapproachable. It really got everyone into a bad mood.

The bell to Chris’s hotel toom rand and he went to answer.
When he opened the door a man around his age looked at him surprised.
“Is, isn’t this Jon Buckland’s room?”, he asked in an almost shy way.

Chris got a strange feeling when he said Jonny’s name. It wasn’t something silly in his chest again, it was lower, deep inside his stomach. A strange protective feeling. Why was this man and what did he want from his Jonny? Admitingly, he hadn’t talked to him in ages now but that didn’t make him any less of his ‘property’.
“He’s not here.”, Chris simply said and glared at him. He looked very insecure now.

“Oh, oh well, because he told me that...” He sounded dissapointed. “Well, nevermind then. Do you know when he’ll be back”

“No.”

“Oh..” He looked away for a second.
“I’m sorry then. Just tell him that Andy was here and that... Just tell him nothing, I guess. Thank you.” Andy tried out a smile but it wouldn’t reach his eyes and Chris felt almost a bit sorry for being so harsh and for lying. Yet he did not spoke any more and watched him leave, walking down the corridor.
Strictly speaking it hadn’t even been lying, right? After all Jonny really hadn’t been here. The fact that his room was right across hall didn’t matter. He hadn’t asked for that...

Ten minutes later Chris stood infront of Jonny’s hotel room. He hesitated a moment whether he should really knock but his body was fater than his mind could decide and already felt his knuckles against the wood.
Jonny looked at him surprised and annoyed at the same time. His haid was a mess and it suited him.

“What is it?”

“There was someone for you.”

“Where is he?”, Jonny asked looking around, which was rather pointless.

“He asked for you.” Chris waited a second before he went on. “I told him you weren’t there.

Cinfrontation-Anger-phase. Chris knew he had skipped a few other phases again, but who cared for conventions anyway?

Jonny glared at Chris.
“Why did you do that?”, he asked, anger in his voice.

“Oh, I don’t know. Who was he? You never tell me anything these days abou you, do how would I know.”

“It’s none of your business.”, Jonny said attempting to close the door but Chris stepped closer and pushed it open.

“Really Jonny, let me talk to you.”

They both stood indside Jonny’s room now.

Jonny sighed heavily. “Why? Where’s the point?”

“Where’s the point? Where’s the freaking point? I need to know what’s wrong with you!”

Jonny turned around. “Why?”

“Why? Because I’m supposed to be your friend. Because I care! And you bloody never talk to me.”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“How about who that guy was. It’s all getting so weird. We might as well be strangers for all I know of you now. “

“Andy’s an old friend. I haven’t seen him in ages. He called me up last night when he found out we where playing here. Are you satisfied now?”

Chris felt a rush of guilt coming to his head. Sending Andy away like this suddenly seemed very childish, yet he only said: “Why don’t I know him?”

“Jesus! Chris, it’s not like as if you knew everyone and everything in my goddamn life” Your lack of interest keeps you from knowing basic and significant things about my life, why would have you have to know who he is?”

Because there was something about the way he said your name that made me feel uneasy and because of the way his eyes lit while he was doing so.
But Chris didn’t say that and maybe, he thought, he had only imagined the eye-lighting-up-thing. That would be typical.

Chris looked at Jonny who was back to looking at his feet again.
Chris felt helpless and a bit foolish now but at least they were talking again. For the first time in so long.

“So...” Jonny said, shuffling his feet.
Chris knew he was still waiting for an answer but what could he say that was the truth without actually being THE truth, as Chris himself wasn’t even sure what that would be.
Maybe avoiding the actual question could work.

“It’s not really about him”, he heard himself say. “It’s that you never tell me anything and you close up and leave me in this pitch black... darkness. Oh man, you know what I mean! I just want to know.”

Jonny walked up to the table and rested his palms on the wooden surface.

“Why do you always have to know, Chris?”

Chris looked at his friend in disbelief, or rather, at his friend’s back.

“I want to. You’re neglecting me, you ignore me and I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Oh damn, Chris!” Jonny say rather loudly, turning around and looking at him in a way that somehow looked hurt. “It’s not just always abouit you! Not everything has to do with Chris, Chris, Chris.”

Chris looked at his friend and found it hard to believe what he had heard. “Why are you saying this? It’s not about me being egoistic, I want to help you. I want to know what’s wrong with you and why you are so unsatisfied – “

“Who says I’m unsatiesfied?”, Jonny asked, queezing his eyes together as if he’d been blinded by light.

“Well, why would you be like this if you weren’t?”

“Because I don’t talk to you doesn’t mean I’m unsatisfied! You’re being unreasonable! And egomanic! Why can’t you accept that there is no bloody problem?”

Chris couldn’t remember hearing Jonny ever shouting like this.

“So you... what? Just suddenly started saying to yourself ‘Oh, from nowon I’ll be miserable and also, I will stop talking to Chris, won’t that be much fun’ What do you want to do? Quit our friendship? YOU CANT. You simply can’t because it’s not a thing one can decide just like this.”

“Why not?” Jonny asked, lowering his voice again already.

“I... Jonny, just tell me what it is, I’m sure we can work it out.”

“There we go again”, Jonny said rolling his eyes, “This is not about you. You wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to talk about it and certainly not with you.”

Chris blinked hard and shook his head. “You bloody arsehole”, he said stepping a bit closer.
“I’ll say it again even though I think you won’t listen anyway but: This is not about me! I want to help you, you idiot! And I want to understand! Because we are, we were, whatever, best friends! What happened to that, huh?

“Well, I’ve been wondering that before.”, Jonny said dryly.

Chris was full of rage, yet the urge to punch Jonny in his face came definitly as a surprise to him. He decided against it and went to the door. He opened it and turned around again only to shout “You arsehole. Why don’t you call up that Andy-guy again. I guess he’ll be more than delighted to hear from you!”

Chris was breathing hard when he came back into his room This had not gone very well. He was about to start crying when he realized he wasn’t alone in the room. Guy looked at him with big eyes.
“How did you get in here?”, Chris managed to ask and supress his tears.

“You left the door open.”, Guy said quickly. “I’ve waited in front of the door but since it was already open I thought...”

“Yeah, sure, nevermind.” Chris said, slowly calming down a bit, making a reassuring gesture with his hand.

“What’s wrong?”, Guy asked.

“Oh, its...”

“It’s Jonny again, right?”

“Yeah, yeah” Chris nodded.

Guy looked concerned. “Maybe, maybe you shouldn’t let this come too close to you. If we want to go on – which I do – we got to keep it together. I don’t know what’s wrong with Jonny but maybe you should just try to ignore it.”

“That´s too hard. And didn’t you tell me that I need to figure it out if I want to keep us together?”

“I know, I did...”

“So what shall I do?”

“You cannt do anything if he won’t let you. We all can’t. Just leave him.”

Chris sat down on the couch. “But I don’t want to. I think I can’t..” he breathed in deep “accept his. I mean”, he looked up at Guy. He really did want to help. He needed to understand what was wrong. It couldn’t stay like this.
“We just fought. Finally!” Chris laughed bitterly.

Guy looked up at him understandingly. He sat down next to him.

“So in the end I guess I have to be thankful for that bloke.”

“What bloke?” Guy asked.

“Just somone who wanted to see Jonny.” Chris wade a thowaways gesture. “It’s not really important.” He now realized that Guy looked rather uncomfortable, his hands in his lap, sitting upright. “What’s wrong?”, Chris asked concerned.
Guy looked up surprised, put his hand in his hair, put it back into his lap, opened his mouth, closed it again and in all this looked rather lost. “I don’t know.”, he finally said.

“What did you want anyway?2

“Huh?”

“I mean, you were waiting for me, weren’t you? Unless you wanted to check out my room I guessed you wanted to talk to me or something.”

“Oh... yes.” Guy spoke slowly as if he didn’t know what to say. “I was, I guess. Maybe it was just about the gig tomorrow. Or... no, it was about Jonny. Yes, I mean, I already said what I wanted, I mean...”

Chris laughed and let himself fall into the couch. He now had to turn his head a bit to still be able to look at Chris. Chris wasn’t sure why he suddenly was so amued by this, a lot of things seemed so absurd lately. “You’re acting all weird, Guy.”

Guy looked away. “I guess I could say the thing about you, couldn’t I?”

“Yeah, well, probably, but we both know why I’m like this.With you, I don’t.”

“Neither do I, I bet it’s the same thing.”

Chris sniggered. “The fact that Jonny won’t talk to me bothers you so much?”

“What’s so funny about that?” Guy said irritated “Maybe it’s rather that you’re all so unbearable lately. Fights are normal, it’s normal that he doesn’t want to talk to you for some time but you’re both acting like it’s the end of the world.”

Chris didn’t laugh now. “Well, if the band broke up....”

Guy eyed him angrily. “This is not about the band breaking up. You know Jonny didn’t really mean what he said earlier. We went through worse. This is about your incapabilitiy to accept Jonny doesn’t always want to be your lapdog.”

“What’s wrong with you? All of you? You’re all angry with me and I have no idea what the hell I should have done wrong! Go, go on and tell me!” He sat up. “This is not about Jonny doing... whatever. I ...” Chris was looking for the right words but they wouldn’t come. Lapdog? What was Guy thinking! He wasn’t missing a pet or someone to follow him around all the time. He was missing his best friend. “I mean, really, tell me what I do wrong.”

Now Guy didn’t seem so sure anymore. “You... you’re always so self-absorbed. It’s no wonder Jonny would get enough of that at some point.”

“Ha, yeah sure. After all those years he suddenly decided that and of course the best way to get out of it is to ignore me.” He crossed his arms infront of his chest. “Do you really think that?”

Guy breathed in deep and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I guess I do. Look, Chris.” He turned around to face him “I really did not want to fight with you. On the contrary. I... We should do something to cheer you up. To cheer up the both of us.”

“What would that be? I remember the last time you tried to cheer me up. Or rather I don’t remember most of it!”

Guy grinned. “See! We haven’t done anything fun in ages!”




Hours later Chris found himself outside a bar. He had no real feeling for time anymore but he guessed that it was early morning. It had to be, he could see the sun already. At least he thought that’s what it was, this red glowing piece of light (he didn’t care that ‘piece of light’ was a rather inaccurate expression).
Guy had been right. It had indeed been fun. It had gotten his mind off things, even though it had just been for a short time. They had talked alot and it had been good. No fights, no tension, nothing of all this that he had had enough of the last months.
It had been good and he was feeling alot better than he had expected to.
Since his marriage Chris’ life had changed and really, he didn’t mind. It was good, he loved his family but hours like these, when you didn’t have to care and everything that at other times seemed so urgent could wait, when you didn’t have to worry, those hours were rare.

Guy was standing behind him. He put his hand on Chris’ shoulder and slung the other arm around him. It was so cold now that they had stepped outside but Guy’s hand on his arm was still warm and so was the rest of him.
Chris could feel his breath against his cheek. Guy was drunk, but he often was. It was rather astonishing that Chris himself felt a bit tipsy. Even though he hadn’t drunken half as much.
Chris wanted to tell him not to go away, not to leave him to the cold again but instead he simply said “Thanks. That was fun.” He pictured Guy smiling next to his ear.

Guy pulled away and Chris turned around surprised. “What?”, he asked. Had he said anything wrong?
He watched his friend who now had his hands in his pockets and looked at his trainers.

“It’s rather cold, isn’t it?”

“You wanna go?”, Chris asked a bit confused.

“Yeah” Then Chris heard him mumbling, “But it’s not really about what I want.”

They walked in silence, Chris wondered how the atmosphere could have changed so suddenly. He was freezing now. I’m getting too old for these childish things, he decided. But really, he just wanted to know what was wrong with Guy. Chris was relieved when he finally started talking.

“I was wondering... if ... if it was me and not Jonny, I mean, if it was me not talking to you, if I was to ignore you – would you care at all?”

“Of course.”, Chris answered quickly and in full seriousness.

They kept on walking. Chris didn’t dare to look up. Then he felt a hand reaching for his’. Guy’s fingers entangeled with hiw own. Chris didn’t know what to make of it but he didn’t oppose. They didn’t pull away until they reached the hotel and all Chris really thought was how nice Guy’s warm palm had felt against his’.