Abducting Radiohead ep. 2 (script version)

Schmete and Hildur are in the living room of their house after having kept Jonny, Thom and Colin hostage for a few days... They have developed a nice case of Stockholm Syndrome by now.

Hildur: I'm going to... look on Jonny
Hildur: He's been eating cookie dough all day
Janeen: Alright
Hildur: I think he might be getting fat
Janeen: Oh he’s going to get sick!
Hildur: and I think he owes me some playtime
Janeen: Jonathan! Jonathan where are you?
Hildur: We have this silent agreement that whenever I give him cookie dough I can touch him
Janeen: Oh, there you are Jon
(Jon’s lying on the floor with an empty container of cookie dough)
Jonny: (whimper) I don't feel good
Hildur: awww
Hildur: Poor Jonny
Hildur: We’re going to have to take you to the hospital now, Jonny
Jonny: NO I DON'T WANT TO!
(Starts crying)
Jonny: Wh...Where’s Cozzie?
Hildur: He's at the hospital
Janeen: HILDUR
Janeen: God, poor coz
Hildur: Yes?
Hildur: Why?
Janeen: You...You
Janeen: You did something to him last night when you two disappeared and now he’s in the hospital
Janeen: Dirty
Hildur: Oops
Hildur: I didn't know he had an allergy!!!!
Hildur: Ok, does anybody know how to drive?
Jonny: I do
Hildur & Janeen: AAAAAAAAH!
Janeen: Sigh
Janeen: I do
Hildur: Oh, good
Janeen: I'll drive you Jon
(Both the girls scoop Jonny off the floor and carry him to the van)
Janeen: Hildur grab Jonny’s shoes by the door
Jonny: I want to listen to my records in the car
Janeen: alright Jon
Hildur: Jonny, you can't play records there. Only CDs
Jonny whimpers
Hildur: Jonny do you want to listen to new Radiohead demos in the car?
Jonny: no, I want to listen to Miles Davis
Janeen: oh good
*Jonny starts rubbing his arms and swinging his hair while looking down*
Janeen: I’ve got a few of his CDs
Hildur: that's great!
Janeen: Bitches Brew
Hildur: c'mon Jonny
Janeen: we'll listen to that Jon
(They then open the car door and place Jonny on the seat)
Jonny: what does bitches brew mean?
Hildur: err
Janeen: shhh nothing Jonny
Hildur: is Colin staying at Washington memorial?
(Janeen puts the CD in and Jonny immediately quiets down and his eyes become very large)
Janeen: yes I think so
Hildur: good
Hildur: let's drive then
(Thom runs after the car)
Thom: hey, you forgot me, you guys!!
(Thom holds up his acoustic guitar)
(Thom trips on his shoe lace)
Hildur: drive faster, janeen!!!!!
Jonny: ha-ha Thom's so silly
(In a few minutes they arrive at the hospital)
Hildur: in what ward is Cozza staying?
(Jonny seems to have recovered from his tummy ache from the mystical powers of Bitches Brew)
Jonny: my feet hurt
Hildur: I'll get you a wheelchair
Hildur: I can't bother dragging him around
Hildur: let's push him
Hildur: Jonny, sit
Jon: what is this?
Janeen: a chair with wheels
Hildur: err... it's like a mixture of a car and a swing. It’s new
Jonny: it's not new. My granny has that
Jonny: hers is much better. It has a steering thing and everything. I want one of those
Janeen: Jon, they don't have that kind here
Hildur: oh, come on Jonny
Janeen: we'll push you
Janeen: it will be fun
Hildur: Colin’s in the hospital and he wants to see you
Jonny: ok
Jonny: Colin's in the hospital?
Jonny: whyy?
Hildur: let's just go
(Jonny sits in the wheelchair and says "weeeee" even before they start pushing him)
(After getting lost in the tower lobby floor they arrive at Coz’s room)
(They push Jonny in the room)
Hildur: Cozzie!!!
(Cozzie has tubes up his nose and is not opening his eyes)
Hildur: oops... I did it again
(Jonny immediately starts crying)
(Jonny falls out of his chair and crawls over to Coz’s bed)
Jon: coz? Cozzie?! (Tears well up in eyes)
(He grabs Colin’s hand)
(A doctor comes in the room)
Dr: can I help you?
Jonny: what's wrong with Cozzie?
Dr: well it appears that he has had a serious allergic reaction
Janeen: to what?
Dr: (whispering to hildur and janeen while pointing at jonny) Is he alright?
janeen: yes he just gets upset easily
Dr: it seems that the patient is allergic to cheesecake
Hildur : that can't be right
Hildur : I've seen him eat it lots of times
Dr: well it seems that the allergic reaction does not appear if he's consumed it orally
*the doctor looks at janeen and Hildur suspiciously*
Janeen: uhhhhhhh...haha
Dr.: ok, you can tell me what happened. I've done some crazy things myself
(The doctor is reading Colin's medical history)
Dr: wait a minute... those aren't... that's... that's colin greenwood!
hildur: and...?
Dr: I love him
Hildur : well I saw him first so fuck off
janeen: yeah fuck off
janeen: i mean
janeen: jon cover your ears
(The Dr. pulls up a shot from his coat and injects it into Colin's arm)
(Jonny screams)
(Colin wakes up by the shock of the needle in his arm and Jonny’s screaming)
Jonny: Coz, Coz, Coz! Are you alright?!
Dr: I'm a huge fan of yours
Hildur: WTF!
Janeen: THE DRAMA
Dr: well... he was okay. I just wanted to scare you a little
Dr: you know that using a cheesecake in that way is forbidden in 51 states
Hildur : but...
Dr: shush!!
(Jonny is still startled)
(He cries and starts hugging coz while he’s still in bed)
Coz: hey, Jonny it's okay
(Coz shushes Jonny, gently, pets him on the head and strokes his back)
Jonny: I love you, Cozzie
Dr: I've been dreaming of this moment all my life
Hildur: EW! Get out!
(Hildur pushes the doctor out of the room)
Janeen: lock the door!
(Hildur grabs popcorn from her purse and hands some to Janeen)
(Janeen sits down in the wheelchair)
(Hildur sits down on the next bed)
(Colin stats wiping Jonny's tears off)
(Jonny whimpers)
Coz: I'll always be ok; you know that, don't you?
Jonny: coz I don't want you to leave ever
(They look each other in the eye for a long time like only Greenwoods can do)
Hildur: OMG THEY'RE GOING TO KISS
(A tear of Jonny’s drips off onto Colin’s face)
(Colin laughs and wipes it off)
(Colin kisses Jonny on the cheek)
*SHOCK*
Coz: WHAT?! WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME DON'T GIVE ME THAT
Hildur pretends like she wasn't watching and starts admiring the curtains)
Hildur: sorry... is there anything you need?
Hildur: some Vaseline maybe?
Hildur goes for her purse before even waiting for a response)
Coz: he was… sad… he… I was just trying to...cheer…uh
Hildur: there you go (she hands Jonny a Vaseline jar)
(Jonny looks confused)
(He places it on the bedside table)
Hildur: he he
Hildur: no, no, no, no
Hildur picks it up and puts it back in Jonny's hand)
Hildur: want me to show you, Jonny?
Janeen: O_O
(Jonny looks even more confused)
Coz: That's enough, Hildur
Janeen shoves popcorn in her face
Hildur: Cozzie can't you do this one thing for me? It's my birthday soon
Coz: shh Hildur!
(Jonny collapses on top of coz and hugs him)
(Colin starts mumbling things)
Janeen: a...a..... (Shoves more popcorn in mouth)
(Coz opens the Vaseline jar)
Coz: now Jonny... do you remember when we were on the IRC? The internet chat room?
(Jonny looks puzzled)
Coz: it was back in the days. You asked me a question...
Jonny: I don't feel so well, Cozzie
Hildur: here, have a valium
(Colin looks at Hildur fiercely)
(Janeen sits in awe)
Colin: (to Hildur) you're so going to owe me after this
Hildur: carry on
Colin: do you still want to know what...
(Colin gulps)
(Jonny looks at him with his big sparkling eyes)
Colin: do you still want to know what fisting is?
Jonny: You're scaring me, Cozzie
Cozzie: (to Hildur) ok I can't stand this... I'm using another approach
Cozzie: what did you do today, Jonny?
Jonny: I watched finding Nemo and ate cookie dough
Colin: oh, yes. I think you might be sick. Why won't you tell me about it while I go and measure your temperature?
Jon: okay
(Jonny pulls down his pants and lays down on his stomach)
Jonny: one day this fish called Nemo got lost...
(Colin lubricates his hand)
Cozzie: carry on, Jonny
Jonny: coz? That doesn't feel like the thermometer mum uses
Coz: it'sanewone. Carryonwiththestory, pleasewillyou, jonny
Jonny: So then they met these turtles...
(Janeen moves to a different seat to get a better angle)
(Jonny stops his story)
Coz: what, Jonny?
(Jonny starts whimpering)
(Colin takes his hand out)
Jonny: My tushy hurts. I want to go home
(Coz looks at Hildur)
(Hildur nods slowly)
Coz: okay, Jonny let's go home
(Jonny sits up and pulls his pants up)
Jonny: Do I have a fever?
Coz: no, you just ate too much cookie dough, that's all
Jonny: ok
Jonny: yum, cookie dough
(Jonny waves to janeen and then looks away blushing)
(Janeen starts feeling bad because Jonny was violated by his beloved Colin and is none the wiser because of his childish innocence)
Colin: let's go. I think the hospital staff won't mind
(Colin tries to open the door but finds out that it's locked)
Coz: what was it that happened again?
Hildur: Dr. Weinberg got a little bit star struck when he saw you
Jonny: hehehe, Weinberg
Jonny: I like fans
Jonny: they always want me to draw for them
Colin: yes you draw very nice pictures, Jonny
Jonny: I can spell my name
Jonny: I write it in crayons but they're all the same colour...
Hildur: was his name originally maybe Johnny with an h-
Coz: yes
(Colin hugs Jonny)
Coz: it's ok... it's going to be all right
(Jonny jumps on Colin’s back and Colin gives Jonny a piggy back ride out of the hospital)
Jonny: yay!
Jonny: my butt doesn't hurt anymore!
(Colin runs and jumps around with Jonny)
Hildur: that's good, Jonny
(Jonny looks at Hildur suspiciously)
Coz: where's the car, Janeen?
Janeen: over there
(Colin runs towards the car)
Jonny: weeeeeeee
(They all get in the car)
(Coz and Jonny sit in the back seat)
(Faint screaming can be heard)
(They see Thom running towards them)
Coz: Thom?
Thom: I'm so glad I caught you guys!
(Hildur slaps herself on the forehead)
Coz: why don't you join us, Thom?
Thom: I though you'd never ask!
Hildur: (in a cold voice) I see you brought your guitar, Thom
Thom: yes, I'd forgotten I was holding it
(Thom sits in the last row of the car and plays his guitar trying to get attention from the camera)
Thom: let me play Fake Plastic Trees for you
(Jonny sings along and gets all the attention from the camera)
(Jonny starts to nod off)
(His eyes slowly close and he hugs coz and rests his head on his shoulder)
(The camera zooms in on this)
(Thom starts singing noticeably louder in the background)
(Coz is about to kiss Jonny on the forehead but then Jonny suddenly swings his hair so Coz ends up kissing him on the mouth)
(The camera zooms in even more)
Thom: HEY HEY! FUCK YOU
Thom: look at me! I’m singing and playing guitar! At the same time!
(Jonny doesn't notice anything and Colin acts like the kiss didn't happen. He pretends to be sleeping too)
Hildur: OH SHUT UP FOR ONCE, THOMAS!
(Jonny moans)
(Thom mumbles)
Hildur: sorry, Jonny
(The car drives into the sunset with Thom starting to hum How to Disappear Completely)

….and now the credits