Mr. Sexiest Male

Thom was furiously refreshing a webpage. Mouse clicks could be heard to the other room where Jonny was practising on his guitar.

"Stop doing that, will you? It's getting on my nerves!" he shouted, furrowing his brow, when he couldn’t stand it anymore.

"I … can … must NOT let this happen." Thom mumbled. It was loud enough for Jonny to hear him.

"Thom, what's going on?" Jonny entered the room and saw him sitting in front of the computer, or rather jumping off his chair, trying desperately to hide the image showing on the screen. "Okay, what's that?"

"What? Ummm … er … nothing!" he chirped. He moved his hand behind his back in attempt to press the return key on the keyboard. Unfortunately, the screen went black.

"Look what you're doing!" Jonny yelled and walked over to panicking Thom.

That shouldn’t have happened. He mustn’t see what I’m doing.

Jonny successfully managed to push Thom away from the computer. He wanted to check what had caused the computer screen go black. Thom could be so clumsy at times. To his surprise, there was nothing wrong with the screen, it was merely turned off.

Please, Jonny, don’t do it.

Jonny turned the screen on and blinked at it. He saw a picture of Carl and numbers from 1 to 10 above it. He had actually wondered if Thom liked him and now he finally had a confirmation of his suspicion. He then glanced to the right side of the screen and there he saw his own photo under which it said “Your rating: 1”.

“Thom, I need an explanation! Why the hell are you voting on this website and why the hell have you rated me as the worst?” he clamoured.

Thom stood silent. Nothing happened for a minute.

Or two.

Or three.

“Thom!!”

“Well sorry, Mr. Sexiest Male, I might not find you just as sexy as all those fangirls do!” he shouted back. “Plus, it’s not fair. I should win this award. I am the sexiest Radiohead member and we all know how embarrassed you’re going to be if you win. You better leave the award to me.”

“You could’ve told me at the beginning you wanted me under you.”

“Follow me right away, I want to claim my rightful award.”

Christmas Collaboration

"How was the press this time?" Thom asked, unpacking the suitcase in front of him, separating the lights and darks into the piles of growing laundry behind him.
Jonny was sprawled out on the bed. "Exhausting," he said. "I've grown somewhat accustomed to the banality of journalists from weekly music magazines, but I think these journalists that write about classical music make even the worst of the others look like gold. If I didn't know any better, I would think that classical music was only listened to by a bunch of snobby people. And they asked the same questions over and over again. I sometimes wonder if these people actually listen to music or if they just talk about it all the time."
Jonny continued chattering on, happy to be back home.
Thom interrupted. "What are these?" he said coldly. With two fingers only, he was holding out a pair of Christmas boxers with cartoon reindeer. "These aren't yours and where did they come from?" Thom was glaring.
Jonny froze, his eyes locked on the garish green and red colors.
"They were a gift. From Sharona." Jonny said quickly without looking at Thom, "I like the graphic print."
"Uh-huh" Thom said skeptically, "your Israeli wife gave you a pair of Christmas boxers?"
Jonny sat up and took them from Thom, tossing them quickly into the dirty laundry pile. "Yes, well, she knows I like Christmas."
"Jonny, that was not smooth at all. Why don't you tell me who really gave you the boxers?" Thom replied.
Jonny started fidgeting with the edge of the pillowcase. "They're mine."
"I know they're yours now, I was wondering who gave them to you."
Fidget, fidget. "No one."
"If you're going to be like that, I'm leaving."
"Be like what?"
"Like a cheating whore."
"Takes one to know one."
"I knew it! What's her name?"
"I thought you were leaving."
"I am." And Thom stormed out of the room. He slammed the bedroom door shut, stamped his feet to the front door, wished Jonny hadn't decided to randomly only use 3 out of the 5 deadbolts on the door, finally wrenched the door open and slammed it shut behind him. He got into his car and fumed for a few minutes. He saw Jonny's front door open and the rational part of his brain - the part that wasn't absolutely furious with Jonny for whatever he had or hadn't done - was hoping that Jonny was coming out to apologise or say something to make it all better. It was their pattern. Thom angrily hit the window down button. "What" he growled.
Jonny was standing on the porch, arms crossed. "It wasn't a her," he said and with a swish of his hair he walked back into his house.

At this, Thom struggled to detach himself from his car, not bothering to turn off the ignition before slamming the door shut and darting back into the house, finding Jonny just as he was about to climb the stairs to his room. Turning him around roughly, he pulled him back down onto the floor and pinned him against the wall. He knew Jonny could throw him off without even trying, but the fear in his eyes gave him confidence that he would remain standing on solid ground.
"What do you mean it's not a her?" he growled through clenched teeth and Jonny, shaking off the momentary fear he felt, glared back.
"If it's not a her then it's obviously a he." he snapped. "You know the difference between men and woman, don't you?"
Thom shook his head furiously. "Okay, so that was a dumb question. Who is he, then? What's his name so I can look him up and kick the shit out of him!"
Jonny rolled his eyes. "Thom, he's 6'5", I highly doubt - "
"FUCKING ED?!" Thom roared, releasing his grip on the other man and pushing himself away. Slowly, Jonny peeled away from the wall, running a hand up his arm self-consciously, eyes locked on the floor.
"I-I was going to tell you, I swear. It was an honest mistake, Ed...h-he thought it meant something and...the boxers...drinking and...I don't know. Please, can we just sit down and talk about this?"
"Talk about what exactly - the fact that you can't keep your cock in your pants or the fact that you can't keep it out of a man's ass. There are two issues there."
"I know. I fucked up. What am I going to tell Sharona?"
"How about 'I am a lying cheating whore?' That seems like a good place to start."
"I didn't mean for this to happen."
"Of course not. You're little perfect Mr. Jonny Greenwood," Thom said sarcastically.
Jonny didn't say anything. After a pause, Thom continued:
"And when the fuck did you decide that you liked fucking men?"
"Why does it matter to you?" Jonny asked.
"It doesn't."
"Seems like it matters."
"I told you it doesn't."
"Fine, it doesn't matter to you. But what am I going to do?" Jonny walked over and sat on the couch. "She's going to hate me." He buried his head into his hands.
"Maybe you shouldn't tell her."
"How can I not?"
"Well, who knows? You, Ed, me ... anyone else?"
"Not unless Ed told anyone."
"He probably didn't, but we'll need to find out for sure. So unless one of us tells her, she'll never find out. Now the question is, what are you going to do for me so I don't tell?"
Jonny looked at Thom. "What?" He was bewildered. "You're my friend, we've known each other for years ... my best friend ... I shouldn't have to do anything for you to not tell."
Thom shrugged. "Maybe. But that was before you started whoring yourself out to Ed." Thom unzipped his trousers. "And I know what I want."
Jonny shook his head. "I don't ... you don't ..."
"I think you do. And you will."
"Let's go upstairs at least."
"Here and now."
"But Sharona could be home any minute!"
"Then you'd better hurry up."
"Or the bathroom - we can lock the bathroom!"
"Now. And if you're worried about an incriminating mess, I suggest you swallow."

***

Thom left the house a short while later. He jumped in his car and drove through some side streets and parked on the street in front of an older house. Grabbing the Christmas boxers where he had thrown them on the passenger seat, he walked up to the front door and knocked loudly. The door was opened a few short moments later.
"Edward John O'Brien," Thom said icily. "This was not part of the fucking plan." Thom threw the boxers at Ed and walked inside like he owned the place. "Did you think I wouldn't find out?"
Ed closed the door behind him and followed Thom to the living room.
"Yeah, I was going to tell you about that. Sorry ... can I offer you a drink or something?"
"Yes," Thom replied and they both walked to the kitchen.
If Ed had hoped to change the subject, it wasn't working.
Thom continued in the same icy tone, "Do you want to explain when exactly you decided to sleep with Jonny?"
Ed continued to make their drinks and didn't look up at Thom. "Well, we started as we had planned. Just me and Jonny, having a couple of drinks together. We were originally supposed to meet at the pub, but I was running late and Jonny just came straight here and then it was raining so we decided to have a couple of drinks here - "
Thom cut him off. "Do you think this is helping your case?"
"I'm getting there, damn it! Well, we started talking about relationships and stuff. And I brought up the time that we caught him with that other boy before rehearsal - just like you had suggested - and then I asked him if he might still fancy boys and one thing lead to another and we were drinking - I mentioned we were drinking, right? - and then he was kissing me and then, well, I guess you know the rest." Ed handed Thom his drink. "I swear I didn't mean for it to happen."
"What would you do if you were me? You trust one of your best friends to talk to one of your other best friends and you betrayed everything our friendship meant for a shag. How would you feel if I shagged Colin?"
"But you have shagged Colin."
"That's not my fucking point and you know it. I haven't fucking shagged Colin in a long fucking time and definitely not since we came up with this plan. The plan - which was just as much your idea as mine - I talk to Colin and see if might be interested in you and you talk to Jonny and see if he's at all interested in me. It's the world's easiest plan and yet you found a way to fuck it up."
Thom sat down at the table. "Fuck!" he said to his drink. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

***

Colin was busy re-arranging his books when the phone rang. Which a sigh he stepped over the piles he had laid out according to size, thickness, colour, subject and anything else he could think of. This is how he spent his afternoons when he wasn't playing with the band or shovelling the laneway. He snatched the shrieking contraption off its cradle and put on his best "I'm so glad to hear from you" voice before answering with an overly excited "Hello?"
"Cozzie, I'm so confused!" Jonny cried out from the other end. Colin rubbed his eyes.
"Jonny, we've been through this. You wash the lights and the darks seperately."
"It's not that! I made a horrible mistake and now Thom is mad at me becauseIsleptwithEdafterwehadafewdrinks and and ThomthinksI'macheatingwhoreandhegotallupsetandthenhe he he - "
"Woah, slow down. You slept with Ed?"
Jonny swallowed thickly. "After a few drinks, yeah. I didn't mean to, honestly."
"Jonny!" Colin said, pained. "This was not how we were going to do things!"
"I know, Colin. I'm sorry."
"You were supposed to talk to him - "
"I know."
"and you were supposed to bring me up -"
"I know."
"and see what he got me for Christmas!"
"I know!"
"You weren't supposed to sleep with him!"
"I fucking know, Colin!" Jonny whimpered. "Please, just tell me what to do, because I have no idea, and you always know what to do."
"Well, first things first. Did you find out what Ed is getting me?"
"Oh, yeah ... he's getting you a bong." Jonny paused. "Sorry, typical Ed."
"Oh." Colin sounded disappointed. "Well, that's probably what Ed would consider a really nice gift, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. Of course. That's like the Ed equivalent of a dozen red roses."
Colin sighed.
Jonny continued, trying to make Colin feel better. "But he talked about how it took him forever to find a 'rainbow bong.'"
"EEEEEEEECH" Colin screamed his typical girly scream. "A RAINBOW BONG!!?"
"Er, yes," Jonny agreed. He hated when people talked about rainbows. He didn't see what was so great about them.
"nononono!" Colin explained. "My first bong - back when I was 16 - was a rainbow bong. We loved that thing. Ed accidentally broke and promised to get me a new one. I can't believe he remembered after all these years."
"You smoked marijuana when you were 16? I'm so telling mum."
"Jonny, you were smoking with us."
"Oh, yeah."
"So that must mean that Ed, you know, cares about me. A lot."
"Yes. Of course. Sounds like he found you the perfect gift."
"So do you think the signed copy of the rare Kings of Leon's album, a new blazer and edible underwear is enough for me to give to him? I should probably find some more stuff, right?"
"I think that's more than enough. Why don't you just ask him to stick the bong up your ass?"
"That's a very interesting idea."
"Ew! You're so perverted. I'm hanging up on you now."
"No, wait! Stop!" Colin hollared and he heard Jonny let out a huff of breath. "Don't you want to know what Thom got you for Christmas?"
"I don't really care at this point." Jonny mumbled but Colin ignored him.
"I think he got you a banjo."
Jonny's breath hitched. "A banjo? But why, Thom hates banjos!"
Colin shrugged, then remembered he was on the phone. "Erm, I guess all those years you've been bugging him about it he's finally willing to give in. That's a big feat you know, Thom Yorke never gives in."
On the other end of the phone, the younger Greenwood was attempting to keep himself composed, which was hard now that excitement was boiling up in his stomach. Thom finally gave in! It took more than a decade but finally Jonny would have his banjo and he could sit on the front porch in a rocking chair and pluck out as many obscure country songs if his heart so desired. (Thankfully, it didn't).
Colin rolled his eyes and decided they had more important matters to discuss, such as Jonny. Sleeping with Ed. And what exactly they were going to do about it.
"Anyway, that's not the point. I want to know what happened" Colin continued.
"What," Jonny snapped, "I already told you everything. We were wasted and what happened happened. End of the story. I don't think you want to know all the details, now, do you?"
"Was it good?" Colin said bitterly, even though he didn't want that question answered.
Jonny was getting annoyed.
"Well, for your information, Ed is the best shag ever. That's probably because he's SO big and he does things with his tongue, you would never imagine" he replied. "And he's never tired. I stopped counting how many times we did it after the sixth..."
Colin grimaced. "You filthy little slut!"
"You asked me." said Jonny flatly.
"Who initiated it?"
Jonny remained silent.
"I knew it. I fucking knew it! I bet you did that... that look! That one fucking look you do with your fucking eyes! Your fucking fuck-me-hard look!"
"Colin..."
"Shut it. You know you start thinking with your cock as soon as you drink, why did you even take the risk?"
"Look, I'm sorry, ok? Sorry. And remember I never said anything about you shagging Thom!"
"We were in our teens, Jonny. Back then you didn't even know what 'blowjob' meant. Though looking at your front teeth, it seems it's no longer the case..."
"Indeed. And I performed a few of them no later than yesterday on your precious Edward..."
Colin cursed loudly, and Jonny decided it was time to stop teasing him. Teasing was a euphemism, he thought to himself.
"Ok, listen to me. I tell you, it didn't mean anything; I guess we were just horny and a bit bored. And besides, you might like to know that at some point he said something like 'I wonder if your brother kisses like you' but I was pissed so I didn't really notice."
Colin held his breath, full of hope. "He did?"
"He did. Are you still mad at me?"
"Only a little."
"Want a blowjob too so I can make you forgive me?"
"You're disgusting, Jonny."
"You don't know what you're missing out, I've become really good at this"
"Whore. You'd rather help me find a way to talk to Ed..."
"You don't need to talk; just keep your mouth open and everything will work out."
"Oh, that's really refined, Jonny. Thanks for your help" Colin sighed.
"No prob."

***

A few days later, everyone had gathered back at the studio to start preparations for a webcast. Setting up equipment along the presence of Phil, Stanley and Nigel was enough to keep the drama to a minimum, for a short while.
At the first opportunity, Colin cornered Jonny away from everyone else. Jonny was still annoyed from their previous conversation.
"Finally decided that you want to see what you've been missing out on?" Jonny asked Colin, eying Colin's crotch. "I think Thom and Ed would tell you that I come (snicker) highly recommended."
"You fucking whore. Wait - when did you give Thom a blowjob?"
"Well, I ... ummm ... it's not like I wanted to," Jonny said, avoiding the question.
"What do you mean you didn't want to?" Colin said, his mood shifting from annoyed to overprotective in an instant.
Jonny realized he had said the wrong thing. "No, you misunderstood me?"
"Yes, you wanted to; no, you didn't."
"I didn't right then, but it's not like didn't want to, really."
At that point, Thom chose the worst moment in the history of worst moments to walk by.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER?!!" Colin yelled at Thom, gathering the attention of the rest of the group. Colin gathered up all of his strength and lightly punched Thom on the shoulder.
"OW!" Thom yelped. "THAT WHORE WAS ASKING FOR IT." He gave Colin a small shove. "AND NOW YOU ARE. BITCH."

"What the fuck is that about?" Nigel asked from the other side of the room. "Who did what to who?"
Stanley looked around asked if they were all on Candid Camera.
Phil, who had been paying more attention, explained that "I think Colin's mad at Thom for something about a blowjob?"
"Yeah, Jonny's great at blowjobs," Ed said nodding enthusiastically and without thinking.
"I just threw up a little in my mouth," Phil said.
"I KNOW YOU'RE FILMING" Stanely said, staring off a corner. "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME."
"I think they're really going to fight!" Nigel said, his attention drawn back to Colin and Thom.
"20 quid says that Thom wins," Phil said, pulling out his wallet.
Nigel pulled a couple of bills from his wallet and threw them on the table. "Well, I've got 20 quid says Colin wins."
Ed was studying the scene. "I've got 50 pounds that says that Thom's going to resort to hair pulling first."
"Double or nothing, Colin pulls hair first," Phil said, pulling out more money.
Nigel pulled the rest of the money out of his wallet. "I think Colin's going to use fingernails."
Jonny, who had been pacing near the fighters, came running ("he prances" Ed thought to himself).
"Someone do something," he pleaded. "They're going to kill each other."
"Fuck that," Nigel said. "I've got money on this fight. Let 'em go at each other."
"Please," Jonny whined.
"Fine," Ed said, getting up. "I'll break this up."
"I WILL NOT ALLOW MY LIKENESS ON ANY SYNDICATED PROGRAM" Stanley yelled towards a bookshelf.
Colin and Thom were glaring at each other, breathing heavily and ready to strike at any second when Ed sauntered up to them, reaching Thom first who let out a bark much like a rabid dog, causing Ed to jump backwards away from the pair.
"I'm not going in there, they're going bite my hands off!"
Jonny was watching, scared, throwing glances from Thom to Colin to Ed. "Ed, please!"
"You're a filthy brat, Yorke!" Colin spat suddenly.
"None of this would have happened if it weren't for your whore of a brother!" Thom snarled back, and Colin, belting out his best Xena Battle Cry, attacked in a blur of flailing arms. The two hit the floor with a crash, blocked out by the cheers of the others in the corner, waving their money in the air and shouting suggestions.
"Knee him in the balls, Thom!" Phil called out.
"The head, Colin! Hit him in the head! That's it!" said Nigel.
The scuffling continued in a ball of dust and random limbs, random feral noises managing to leak through the random thumps of heads or knees hitting the floor.
"If your brother just learnt to keep it in his pants -"
"My brother? What about you? If it were up to you, you wouldn't even wear pants!"
"COME OUT, YOU CAN'T HIDE!" Stanley, oblivious to the fight that had broken out on the floor, pushed books aside on the shelf, searching vigorously for the camera crew he was sure existed. "YOU'RE IN THE WALLS, AREN'T YOU?!"
"NO, Thom! Don't pull his hair! Damnit." Phil threw his money to the ground and stamped on it in frustration. "I always bloody lose!"
Ed turned to Nigel, grinning. "Bet you didn't see this when you worked for McCartney."
Nigel stared at him and sighed. "That's cause John Lennon wasn't there."
Meanwhile, Jonny was pacing around his two bandmates tearing at each other, pulling at his own hair.
"Stop it! Stop it!" he shouted in a high-pitched voice "If you don't stop I'm leaving you to join Muse and I swear Matt Bellamy will get a blowjob every single day!"
Thom and Colin froze, just as Thom was going to start biting.
"Blowjobs again!" Phil said, wrinkling his nose. "You're disgusting, Jonny!"
"You wouldn't say that if you'd had one in the past" stated Ed wisely.
"Cut it out, you two" interrupted Jonny. "And before anybody asks, I'm not sucking anybody off today. Stan! There's no bloody camera in the walls! Put that hammer away! Thom, could you please get off my brother now? I don't like seeing you straddling him like that."
"Afraid of getting a boner in front of everybody?" asked Thom, pouting.
"Don't be a jerk to me; I was only joking about Matt."
"Ha!" Colin exclaimed "And what about that time last September?"
Thom's eyes widened. "What?!"
Jonny shot a murderous glance at his brother.
"Oh, bloody hell, I'm fed up with you all" Nigel declared, exasperated. "You're a bunch of whores, that's what you are! I think I'm going to go and ask Coldplay if they need a producer for their next record!"
"Don't be ridiculous Nigel," Ed said calmly, "You'd rather help us and find another ondes martenot player because I'm pretty sure Thom is going to kill Jonny now..."
"I bet thirty pounds that Thom will strangle Jonny" said Phil hopefully, seeing his chance to get his money back.
"Pffft. Forty pounds that Jonny gets stabbed" retorted Stan from the other corner of the room, knocking on the wall to hear if it sounded hollow.
"Shut up; of course I won't kill him, but I'm not kissing him before he does tests certifying he didn't get a horrible disease from Matt. When I think I made him blow me, the mere thought is... urgh"
"For heaven's sake, it was four months ago, and Matt must have a better hygiene than you, Thom" Colin said, rolling his eyes. "And since when do you intend to touch my brother again? Cause that's what you were implying, right?"
Thom grew suddenly serious.
"Cause I like him" he whispered, and he ran out of the room without another word.
"Damnit," Colin groaned, getting up off the floor and brushing the dust from his legs. "Now he's run away."
Nigel piped up from the corner. "Uhm, you guys - "
"Not now, Nigel!"
"But this is really important and I think you should know - "
"Nigel!" Colin barked and the other man's mouth closed, but not for long as soon he was muttering under his breath that he couldn't work in these conditions, and how he couldn't even remember the last time they fed him and why was he always the one who had to comfort Ed when they wouldn't let him play guitar?
Jonny was absolutely furious. "Did he call me fat? Is that what he said?"
"No one called you fat, Jonny," his brother sighed, rubbing his eyes in frustration when he heard a stiffled laugh come from the corner and looked up to find Ed trying to hide a smile. Unfortunately, Jonny heard it as well and let out a pained yelp.
"I am not fat!" he pouted. "Eddie!"
"Oh, God." Phil was looking horrified.
"You didn't think I was fat when I was riding your - "
"Ohhhkaaayyyyy!" Phil waved his hands around and everyone turned to look at him. "Does anybody have any idea what we're going to do about Thom?"
Stanley chose this time to appear from out behind a pile of cardboard boxes. "We could pull out all his beard-hairs one by one, rip off all his clothes and throw paint at him."
"We're not turning Thom into your next arts and crafts project, Stan." Colin said. Stan huffed and Nigel raised his hand.
"What, Nigel? What is it? What is so important that you have to interrupt our discussion?"
"Uhm, we've been on air for the past half hour." he gulped. The others paled.
"What do you mean, we've been on air?" Colin asked, afraid.
Nigel pointed to the cameras they had set up. "I turned it on earlier thinking you guys were going to start playing and forgot to turn it off. The webcast has been running this whole time."
Silence fell upon the room. They remained still for a full minute before Jonny started screaming.
"What the hell are you waiting for, Nigel?" he squealed "Cut the bloody thing off!"
Colin shook his head and started muttering "NME... next week... we're fucked..."
"Calm down; it was streaming yeah, but maybe nobody actually saw it. We didn't warn the fans of the webcast after all" reasoned Phil.
"But they suspected it was coming! What are we gonna do?" Jonny asked with a shaking voice.
"First of all, try not to panick. Jonny, I think you should check the various fansites' message boards. If we're lucky, nobody will have tried to get onto radiohead.tv"
Tripping on the wires scattered across the floor, Jonny headed towards his laptop with the look of someone mounting the scaffold.
Ed ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the nearest amp, awaiting Jonny's verdict.
"So?" Colin asked impatiently.
"A minute," replied Jonny "Atease is so fucking slow! And I don't like this at all. It usually means something huge is going on..."
"May they be excited about the new Oasis DVD"
"Yeah, right. Santa doesn't exist, Ed, did you know that?" Jonny spat.
"Of course he does," interrupted Colin "and he's punishing us because you two," he pointed at Ed and Jonny "have been really bad recently..."
"This is what you get when you mess with him" said Stanley in a sententious tone. Everybody shot him their middle finger.
At this moment, Jonny's cellphone rang. Worried, he fished it from his pocket and hit the answer key.
"Yeah? Oh, it's you..."
The rest of the band watched as Jonny grew pale.
"What the fuck...? Of course no, I'm not joining your band! What were you thinking, you twat! I said that to make Thom and Colin stop fighting!" shouted Jonny.
The others exchanged tense looks.
"No!" Jonny shouted again, making everyone jump "I'm not doing "just the blowjobs then"! No, I won't change my mind! What...? Matt, putting melted chocolate on your cock won't change anything, I'm not doing it! No. Goodbye!"
He hung up and wiped the sweat on his forehead.
"You're lucky that Thom didn't hear this. He would have thrown the mother of all tantrums" Ed said.
"I don't think so; he would rather have been pleased to see Jonny telling Matt to sod off..." objected Colin
"Let's tell him when he comes back," Phil suggested. "Twenty pounds that he chases Jonny around the room!"
"I think that's enough with the bets, Phil!"
"Let's focus on our problem, shall we?" interrupted Jonny. "What are we going to do?"
"Hide for another three years?"
"I wish we could," Colin sighed "But the tour is all planned, we can't cancel it like that, can we? Imagine that; thousands of pissed off fans. They're going to come to Oxford and crowd around the studio. It'll look like Romero's Day of the Dead or something equally horrible..."
"Maybe they won't care at all about this? I mean, maybe we're getting worked up for nothing?"
Nigel sighed. "Ed, it's obvious you've never been onto atease..."
Jonny started reading atease main thread titles:
OMG webcast!!!!!!
thom really needs to shave the beard, like now
WTF is going on with the webcst??
Hoax!!!! I have indispuitble proofs
Petition For Thom To Never Shave Again
Webcast!! OMG!!!!
Webcast!! OMG!!!!
Webcast!! OMG!!!!
Merry Christmas Radiohead
SOMEONE RECORD THE WEBCAST BECAUSE I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES
Rainbows and Radiohead are GAY
WEBCAST!!!
"That's it!" Nigel exclaimed. "We'll just claim this was all a hoax."
Phil understood the plan immediately: "We'll say this was all to prove how much the media will buy anything and how there is no journalistic integrity anymore."
Nigel pointed at Stanley: "Use the worm buffet code to spell out 'of course hoax' or something. Let's get it up on DAS soon."
"Hey - what's Classics?" Jonny asked.

A few hours later, the group was hoping that they had done everything in their power to diffuse the situation.
"Pitchfork already gave us a 10/10," Nigel reported. "They said that it was a spontaneous and highly original way to use the internet and that we've changed every facet of webcasting forever. They're naming 2008 'The Year That Radiohead Changed The World Forever' and it's not even 2008 yet."
"And the NME said they had an 'inside scoop' but they just reused one of Thom's old quotes from a 1997 interview." Colin rolled his eyes.
"This blog has a poll that says that 18% of the responders think that Thom would win a fight, 7% think that Colin would win and the rest think that Jonny's hair is 'really awesome.'"
"I'm going to take a leak" Thom announced, pushing his chair out and walked to the bathroom.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Colin hissed to the group: "What are we going to do about the Thom situation - he practically raped my little brother. He needs to be punished."
"Like exposing all of his deepest darkest personal secrets on a webcast?" Nigel sarcastically offered.
Jonny used his hand to half-hide his face. "Colin, it's fine," he said.
"No it's not," Colin said. "He needs to be humiliated."
"Like, presenting a lifetime achievement award to Green Day?" Jonny suggested.
"I was thinking that he should be forced to be our slave for a day and crawl around on his hands and knees, completely naked, ordered to do our every command. I have plenty of whips and handcuffs that I could supply as well," Colin said.
"You are a dark and twisted person," Stanley said. "I like that."
"I'm giving the lot of you puppy and kitty calendars for Christmas," Phil said.
"Colin, you just need to drop it," Jonny said. "This does not concern you."
The group seemed to be siding with Jonny.
"Fine," Colin said nastily. "I'll drop it." "He left the table and went to look for Thom.

***

Colin found Thom as Thom was leaving the bathroom.
"We're not done," Colin announced to Thom. He grabbed him roughly by the arm and half-dragged him to a large storage room. On one side of the room, piles of discboxes waiting to be dispatched were stacked against the wall.
Colin closed the door and locked it. He stood close to Thom's face.
"You're an insult to the human race," he said, louder than necessary.
"I've apologized to Jonny; I've apologized to you even though it's none of your fucking business. I don't know what else I can do," Thom spat back.
"You think saying 'sorry' will get you out of everything?"
"Fuck you."
Colin lunged at Thom; his attack knocked them both to the floor. They wrestled around for a few minutes. Thom almost had Colin in a headlock when Colin bit Thom in the arm, drawing blood.
"Did you just fucking bite me?" Thom said. His rage gave him a temporary advantage and he pinned Colin below him. He struck Colin's face with his hand and blood started pouring out of Colin's nose.
Colin looked stunned. He wiggled an arm free and winced as he felt his nose. He pulled his hand back and saw the blood, red and wet, covering his fingers.
"You fucker," Colin said. "Let me up."
"So you can bite me again? I think not."
"Let me go!"
"As soon as you can relax and assure me that you're going to chill the fuck out, I'll let you go."
"Fuck you."
"Be that way."
Colin kept trying to squirm his way free, but Thom kept his advantage.
"Did you think of me when you were forcing yourself onto my brother?" Colin asked.
"Like the time I gave you this scar from when we did it in the neighbor's gardening shed?" Thom slid Colin's shirt halfway up and ran his thumb across a faint scar.
"You've always been an opportunistic bastard," Colin said, struggling less.
"If you promise not to hit me, I'll let you up and we can get some ice for your nose."
"Fine." Colin said. He laid perfectly still.
Thom slowly lessened his hold on Colin. As soon as Colin's arms were free, he dragged Thom's face to his and kissed him hard.
Thom hesitated for a moment before struggling to sit up, glaring down at Colin.
"What the hell was that for?"
Colin sneered. "You liked it."
"No, I did not!"
"Well, you're taking my belt off as we speak."
Thom looked down and notice that his hands were, in fact, pulling impatiently at Colin's belt. He didn't remember telling them to do that, why were they doing that? He continued to glare down at Colin as if it was all his fault. "I'll have you know, there is no way you're getting away with that." The buckle came undone with a clink "I'm probably going to get some sort of infection."
"Serves you right." The belt was pulled from it's loops.
"And I'll let Ed write songs before I fuck you again." Colin's fly was undone, jeans pushed off hips and tossed away carelessly.
"You'd better get him a pen and a pad of paper, then." Colin said confidently as his boxers joined the growing pile of clothing and Thom pounced.

***

Back in the studio, the others had grouped around a large table and were sipping at mixed drinks. (Jonny at a glass of chocolate milk) and Ed was standing a little ways off to the side, thrashing about wildly as if he were drowning.
"Jaws!" Phil called out and Ed shook his head.
"It's two words, Phil," Nigel reminded him. "and I think it's Open Water."
"I hate charades." Stanley moped, only to receive a thwack to the back of the head as Ed sat down.
"You're next, freak."
"I refuse to play this game." he crossed his arms and looked away. Ed rolled his eyes.
"You guys," Jonny spoke up, putting his cup down. "I think we should go try and find Cozzie and Thom, before they kill each other."
Nigel had pulled out a deck of cards and began shuffling. "Let them sort it out, one of them is bound to lose their voice sooner or later, after all that shouting."
"Or lose a limb." Phil contributed. "That Thom bites."
"So does Colin." said Ed.
"Yes," Phil nodded. "But Thom has rabies. He's part wolf, you know."
"I must admit that being bitten by Thom is not funny at all" Ed said sternly
"How d'you know that?" Jonny said, frowning.
"I had an argument with him about a setlist once. He didn't want to play Paranoid Android"
Phil nodded. "I was there; when I said Ed was right, he just bit him, out of nowhere. I bet his mother used to let him bite customers at the grocery store when he was a child, he's never lost the habit..."
"Holy hell, we'd better make sure my brother is okay..."
"Fine, but I'm taking thick leather gloves first, in case I have to touch him..."
"Maybe you could use a stick," Phil suggested "like they do for snakes, you know."
"But Thom doesn't have venom in his teeth"
"Or so you think, Jonny. Let's go."

***

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Thom was lying on the floor, leaning back against the wall. Colin had placed his hands on either side of his head, on the cold tiles, and was riding him shamelessly. Holding him firmly by the hips, Thom was matching his movements and pounding hard into him.
"So..." Colin panted, "What do you think... ooh, yes, Thom, just like that... wha' d'you think... Ed's first song... will be about?"
Thom tried to catch his breath. "About... oh, god... about screwing up sexy bassists, I hope" he replied with difficulty, as Colin quickened his rhythm, knocking the air out of him. "He likes you, by the way" he added, his right hand now trailing from Colin's hip to his cock. Colin cried out as Thom started stroking him, and Thom pulled him into a deep kiss to muffle the noise.
"I knew it," Colin said hoarsely when they pulled away. "but right now... please Thom, harder!... I don't... really care...'fter all... fucked my brother..."
He threw his head back and clenched his teeth. He was feeling himself nearing climax when he heard footsteps in the corridor.
Having heard it too, Thom managed to whisper, "Did you hear that?" his head turning towards the door and Colin moaned in response. "Damnit, Colin! Listen!"
On the other side of the door, Jonny turned to Ed, who shrugged. "Just open it. They might be unconscious."
"I hope they're not bleeding, I can't stand the sight of blood." Jonny shivered and Ed sighed, pushing him away.
"Here, I'll fucking do it." he grabbed the door handle and turned it. The door didn't open. "I think it's locked."
"Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" Thom struggled to get out from under Colin, who wasn't helping in the least bit. Instead he had started riding even harder. "Stop...fucking...squirming!" he said through clenched teeth.
"Get off me, then!"
Jonny shook his head. "The lock is broken on that one, you just have to give it a shove." Ed turned back to the door and did as Jonny said, the door opening with a thump. Ed's arm fell down against his side and the two stood gapping at the scene infront of him. Thom was mid-struggle, attempting to pull up his jeans and Colin was still ontop of him, slumped lazily against the wall.
"Just what the hell is going on here?" Ed bellowed and Jonny whimpered out that it would have been better if they had been bleeding before he ran off with a sob.
"Now look what you did!" Ed turned back to the pair. Thom had managed to push Colin onto the floor, yank up his trousers and was now scrambling to his feet. "You two are the most unbelievable pair of people I have ever met. One minute you're about to tear each other throats out and the next you're shagging on a bathroom floor!"
"Thom's very confused." Colin nodded in agreement and received a death-glare from him.
"You're the one who came onto me!"
Stanley, after hearing the commotion, had wandered into the hallway and was now standing next to Ed with a blank look on his face. "Colin, I believe your trousers have fallen off."
"Look, I don't care who started it, just...God," Ed shook his head in disgust. "This is the worst Christmas ever."
"Listen, Ed, he undressed me and-"
"Wanker! I undressed you because you fucking kissed me!" Thom snarled.
"Because you started talking about the time we were shagging"
Ed covered his ears with his hands. "Enough! Enough! You two are impossible! What am I still doing here with you?"
"Yeah, I was wondering, too" Thom retorted "What band on earth needs three guitarists anyway?"
Ed wasn't expecting Thom's nasty remark. Even Colin seemed suddenly struck by lightning. They had had more than a few serious arguments about this issue and none of them could believe Thom had dared to bring up the subject again.
Ed felt like punching Thom square in the face and maybe make his eyes finally match, but he knew this wouldn't lead anywhere.
"You want me to quit? Fine. I quit." he said icily, turning on his heels.
Thom and Colin watched him leave, speechless. Then Colin turned to Thom, his face black with anger.
"Very well done Thom! Why d'you have to fuck things up constantly?"
"This would never have happened if you had not kissed me in the first place!"
"YOU started talking... oh, fuck that. Let's go and try and fetch Ed. Maybe he hasn't left yet..."
Colin walked out the bathroom, and Thom followed in silence.

***

"Where's Ed?" Colin asked as he came back into the main room. Nigel and Phil looked at him glumly. Colin looked away and his eyes fell on his brother, sitting on a wooden chair and sobbing openly. Thom approached Jonny and put a hand on his shoulder, but Jonny shrugged it off violently.
"Don't touch me! It's your fault! He left and it's your fault!"
"I'm sorry! I- I didn't want that, I just wanted him to stop talking and-"
Jonny let out a bitter laugh "Ha! If someone needs to shut the fuck up here it's YOU!"
"See, Thom? I told you you had a gift for spoiling things"
"Shut your fucking face, Coz. You're as responsible for this mess as he is!" he spat, tears still running down his cheeks. He took his head in his hands and muttered. "I hate you."

Colin whimpered, "You don't mean that." Jonny merely sniffed.
"Okay," Thom let out a defeated sigh. "I'm going to go look for Ed and try and talk to him."
Colin turned to him "What makes you think he's going to listen to you?"
"He might not listen to me, but he'll probably listen to you."
"But - "
"Colin."
"Fine." he mumbled. "But I hope you have some devious plan up your sleeve, because I doubt he's going to come willingly."

***

Ed hadn't left yet. Instead, he wandered angrily into the forest, muttering under his breath the whole time. He felt unappreciated and disgusted and - and confused. And he didn't like feeling so many things at once when he was so used to having one emotion - high. Spitting angrily, he sat down on a fallen log, pulling out a joint and lighting it. He wasn't far into the woods, had he turned around he would have still been able to see the house through the trees, and he would have seen the two figures step out from the back door. After a moment or two of staring off at nothing, inhaling and exhaling smoke, he got up and absentmindedly wandered deeper into the trees.

Barely two steps away from the back door and Thom and Colin had started bickering again about which direction to look in; neither of them had noticed the tracks leading into the woods. Colin called Thom a "whiney prat" and was given a face-full of cold snow.
"You think this is fun and games, Colin?" he asked. "What if we don't find him, then what?"
Colin brushed the remaining snow off his face and sighed. "We'll find him. For once in your life, Thom, try to be optimistic."
"Hey," Thom interrupted, pointing at the forest "there he is."
"Fine. Let's go and talk to him. I hope you have your apologies ready, smartarse."
"Gimme a fucking break, Coz."
They walked to the spot where Ed was sitting in silence, approaching him from behind. Ed heard them coming closer, but didn't turn around. Thom cleared his throat.
"Hey..."
Ed remained silent. Thom planted himself in front of him, but Ed refused stubbornly to look up.
"Listen, I know I fucked up. I should never have done that. It was stupid, and childish and... and not even true. I mean, of course we need you! We're five in the band, that makes our sound richer than other bands, and if you weren't there, who would do the backup vocals? Phil's voice is not as great as yours, Jonny lisps too much, and Colin sings SO out of tune he would just destroy the songs-"
"Hey!" Colin protested "Don't go too far!"
"-and all the effects and stuff, you know..." Thom continued, ignoring Colin's intervention "I'm really really really sorry..."
Silence.
"Ed... say something" Thom pleaded. Ed glared at him and spoke up.
"I don't know what's the worst here. The fact that you hurt me -again- or the way you used to get back at Jonny and me for having slept together... And you," Ed said, turning his gaze to Colin "you're no better than him. You're just the same kind of depraved pervert; you wanted to beat the shit out of him, how the fuck did you end up with his cock up your arse?"
"Let's say it's just hard to resist him; at least as hard as resisting Jonny. It doesn't show, but they're just a pair of sluts - do I need to remind you Jonny sucked off half the people in rock that are about our age?"
"What? I thought he was closer to 75%" Thom said in a mock surprised tone. Colin let out a short laugh, glad to see that Thom was doing his best to lighten things up.
"I'm really sorry. Thom is a great fuck, but I've always liked you, I promise..."
Thom chuckled and sat on Ed's lap, throwing his arms around Ed's neck.
"Now I can be your slut too if you want to get back at Coz" he said playfully, obscenely licking his upper lip with the tip of his tongue. Ed couldn't help but smile at this.
"That won't be necessary, but thanks anyway. Keep that kiss for Jonny, yeah?"
"Yeah, Jonny... or anyone else the slut Colin says I am will feel like doing."
"Good," Colin beamed. "Now that we've got that settled. Erm, Thom...mind if I have a word with Edward?"
Thom stared blankly at the two of them and Colin's eyebrows raised. "Alone?"
"Huh?" Thom blinked. "Oh, yeah. Sure Coz, I'll erm, just go back inside I guess." and he waved to them both, turning on his heels and heading back towards the house, unable to avoid hearing a dangerous growl escape a throat and the sound of bodies tumbling over a fallen log.

***

Nigel had just managed to calm everyone down when the back door flew open and in stepped Thom. He let out a sigh, glancing at Jonny, who's eyes were still red from crying. "Well, there goes all that, then."
"I'm fine, Nigel. Thank you." Jonny sniffed, pulling his knees up under his chin. "Where's Cozzie?"
"Erm," Thom looked around a the group of them. "He and Ed are...talking...in the woods."
Phil arched an eyebrow. "Talking..."
"Yeah."
"In the woods..."
"Yep. Having a chit-chat in the old woods." Thom nodded. "Anyway, do you guys mind? I have to speak with Jonny."
From his angle on the chair, Jonny couldn't see that Thom was holding something behind his back. Stanley, however, noticed and left the room immediately. With a shrug, the others followed and the two were left alone. Cautiously, Thom moved away from the door, attempting to keep the object concealed until he was standing infront of his friend, who looked away angrily.
"Jon, please. I bought you something. It's your Christmas present."
"I don't want it."
"Yes, you do."
His brow furrowed, though he still wasn't looking at Thom. "How dare you think that you can just buy my forgiveness. I don't want it."
Thom plucked one of it's strings from behind his back and could almost see Jonny perk up at the noise, so he did it again. "Are you suuuure, Jonny?"
"Yes." he said, though Thom was unconvinced.
"Are you positive?"
"Uhm..."
Grinning, Thom held the instrument out infront of him and Jonny finally turned his attention towards him.
The banjo he was holding looked expensive, and of the best quality. It was hard to resist when Thom had such an argument. He was grinning at Jonny, highly amused to see him struggling not to reach out and seize the instrument. Jonny finally folded his arms and tucked his hands under his armpits.
"Take it back where you found it. I said I didn't want it" Jonny snapped impatiently.
"Listen, Jonny, don't do that, I'm sorry. Please. I wish nothing had happened."
"You're always sorry..." he hissed. He got up, ready to leave.
"I mean it; and to prove you how sorry I am, I'm ready to..." he breathed in deeply before carrying on "to let you play it on our next record."
Jonny knew how much it cost to Thom to give in, and he softened immediately. He gave the offer the thought it needed.
"The permission to play the banjo in exchange for my forgiveness?"
"Well, yeah, basically that's it..."
"Agreed." Jonny smiled, taking the instrument from Thom's hands and putting it down on the chair he had just vacated. He extended his hand but instead of a handshake, Thom pulled Jonny towards him. He leaned in and, standing on tiptoe, placed his lips gently against Jonny's full ones, savouring their softness and the warmness of Jonny's breath.

***

Meanwhile, in the woods, Ed and Colin weren't talking anymore. For the first time they had managed to speak to each other directly. Awkwardly at first, but it had not lasted long. Colin was now sitting on Ed's lap with his back pressed against his chest. Ed's arms were wound around Colin's waist and he was nibbling at the delicate skin of his neck. Colin's eyes were closed, and his head was tilted to allow Ed a better access; he could have stayed like this forever. However, he couldn't help but worry about his brother.
"Hey"
"Mmm? What is it, Cozzie? You want me to stop?" Ed whispered against Colin's neck.
"Jesus no," Colin sighed "But I think we should go back inside and check on Thom and Jonny... before Jonny threatens to leave the band, too."
Ed gently bit Colin's neck one last time and pulled away.
"I guess you're right. Let's go." he agreed, getting up.
He put his arm around Colin's shoulders and they started walking back to the house slowly.
"You know, Ed..."
"Yeah...?"
"I haven't visited the first floor of this house yet. So if Thom and Jonny are fine - or at least, not killing each other - how about taking a look at the bedrooms upstairs?" Colin said, glancing mischievously at Ed.
"Sounds like the best plan ever to me." Ed replied, grinning. "Thom and Jonny should better not be fighting..."
They heard a loud shriek as they approached the back door of the house and Colin sighed. "Damnit, why can't everyone just get along?" When they stepped inside, Jonny had pinned a giggling Thom to the floor and was tickling him everywhere he could reach. He looked up when his brother and Ed entered, cheeks blushing.
"Er, hi." he said and Colin blinked, surprised.
"Oh, so...you guys aren't fighting, then?"
"Yes!" Thom gasped, out of breath. "Get him off me! Jonny, your knees are boneyOW!"
"Say it!" Jonny leaned over, growling.
"Never!"
Gently, Ed nudged Colin away from the scene and the two of them vacated the room, hearing Thom wheeze out "The banjo is the great - Jonny, I caaantOUCH, stop pinching me!" They climbed the stairs up to the first level and Colin tugged Ed into the first bedroom he saw, pinning him against the door to shut it and reached up, pressing his lips against his neck.
"Cozzie, this room is full of boxes."
"We'll make a fort later, Ed. Right now I don't care so kiss me, damnit!" he pulled backwards, past the piles of boxes and stumbled onto the bed against the far wall, Ed toppling down ontop of him and planting kisses over his face.
"It even smells like boxes," he muttered around Colin's lips and felt teeth bite down gently.
"If you don't shut up about boxes I'm going to blindfold you."
Ed grinned mischievously at this. "This one time, I found a box in an alley-way..."

***

"Okay, now saaaaay, 'I am Thom Yorke and IIIII...uhm...smell like cheese'."
"Jonny - "
"Thom, you don't want me to leave the band, do you?" Jonny asked, pulling off his best wounded-puppy-dog look. Thom sighed.
"I am Thom Yorke, and I smell...like cheese."
Jonny broke into a fit of giggles and Thom sat up off the floor, glaring at him. "This could be considered abuse, you know."
"I'll make it up to you." Jonny smiled, leaning in to kiss him when Nigel stomped into the room shouting "You're all a bunch of whores!" He picked up his glass from off the table, holding it out. "I forgot this." and with that he stamped back out of the room muttering under his breath.
"He's just jealous." Jonny whispered.
Thom nodded. "Yeah, and he's going bald."
"Oh, that reminds me." Jonny sat up again, looking down at him. "If you want me to stay in the band, the beard has to go."
Thom ran his hand over the hair on his chin, eyes on the verge of watering. "M-my beard?"
"Yes." Jonny nodded. "All of it. You look like a hobo, Thom."
"I thought it was sexy!"
Jonny visibly shuddered. "Stubble is sexy, we can all deal with stubble. But...not the hobo-beard."
Thom sighed, wiggling his way out from under Jonny, who still had him pinned to the floor, and made his way into the bathroom, the other following him. Once inside, he pulled open a drawer and fished out a package labeled "emergency razor".
"Can I be alone, Jon? Please?" he asked, glancing over to his friend who nodded, stepping back into the hallway and shutting the door behind him.
"Well, it's been fun." Thom said to his reflection. "Guess it's good-bye, then."

***

They lay on their backs, eyes glancing up towards the ceiling and contended sighs escaping their lips. After a few moments of allowing themselves to calm down, Colin came up with an idea and lazily smacked Ed's thigh.
"What was that for?" he asked, pulling the t-shirt that had acted as a blindfold away from his eyes.
"You should roll us a joint." Colin said, stretching. Ed got off the bed and pulled on his jeans. "Where are you going?"
"I have a better idea." he said with a grin. "Wait here."
Darting down the stairs, he almost hit the wall on the opposite side, right where Jonny was sitting, staring at the bathroom door. Ed blinked and Jonny smiled, whispering. "Thom's shaving."
"Really?"
Jonny nodded, grinning. "What should I have him do next?"
"I don't know, I'm sure you can come up with something good." Ed shrugged, moving his way towards the back door to put on his boots. He couldn't wait to see the look on Colin's face when he handed him the rainbow bong.

When he came back from fetching Colin's present from his car, Jonny was still leaning against the wall, staring at the bathroom door as if it were going to explode open at any second. Rolling his eyes, Ed climbed up the stairs and burst into the bedroom. Colin was still lying on the bed, humming loudly and moving his feet to the beat of the song in his head.
"Oh Coozzzieee!" Ed called and Colin looked up.
"What is it, Edddieeee?"
Ed thrust the rainbow bong forward and Colin's eyes lit up.
"Oh, Ed! You really did get me a rainbow bong!" he took it gently from his hands and stroked the sides of it affectionately. Ed blinked.
"What do you mean, 'I really did get you a rainbow bong'?"
Colin hesitated. "Erm, well...me and Jonny had this plan, see. I was going to talk to Thom and find out what he got for Jonny, and...Jonny was going to talk to you, to find out what you were getting for me."
Ed was silent, so Colin continued. "And, well...he told me that you got me this."
"Oh," Ed said, clueing in. "Well, do you like it, Cozzie?"
"I love it!" he grinned, leaning in to kiss Ed on the lips. "Now, get your weed and lets smoke a bowl!"

Downstairs, Jonny was just about fed up with waiting when the bathroom door creaked open and his heart leapt into his throat.
"Thommy?" he asked. "Are you done?"
"It looks weird, Jonny." said a voice behind the door. "It feels weird."
"Oh come on, Thom. I'm sure it looks fine, now come out from there."
The door opened further and out stepped a clean-shaven Thom, eyes averted to the floor. He heard a loud squeal of delight and Jonny flung himself at him, wrapping his arms around his neck and dropping kisses on his face. "You look ten years younger!"
"Ehhgh." he groaned.
"You're face is so smooth and soft now!"
"Ehhgh."
"Oh shut up, Thom." Jonny laughed, holding him close. "Now, uhm. You have to come upstairs and...wait out in the hallway while I get your present ready."
"You don't have to give it to me now," Thom said. He kept running his hand over his throat and chin.
"Don't you want to know what it is?" Jonny asked, slightly hurt.
Thom turned back to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. "I think I need a few minutes."

***

"Nachos"
"With lots of cheese"
"And bacon"
"Jalapeños"
"Salsa"
"Sour cream"
"I think it's your turn to go get food," Ed said. "I got the sundaes last time."
Colin lifted his head off Ed's chest and looked at up at him. "Your eyes are all bloodshot."
Ed laughed. He lifted his hand and slowly traced Colin's eyebrow. "So are yours." They both giggled. Colin kissed Ed's chest and pushed himself up. "I'll go make us some nachos."

Colin was busy in the kitchen. He had just decided that peanut butter would probably not be a good addition to the large plate of nachos he was working on when Thom walked in and stood next to Colin. Colin didn't look up and gave Thom a slight nod. It was a moment before Thom spoke.
"Cozzie, I think I've made a huge mistake."
"It's cool; we can just bleach all of your pink stuff back to white. You've just got to remember to double check your whites so that nothing red gets in, though."
"It's not my laundry."
Colin looked up Thom and focused on his chin. "It'll grow back," Colin told him. "Looks great though. Just give yourself some time to get used to it."
Thom self-consciously rubbed in chin. "It's not that."
Colin was confused.
Thom stepped into Colin and Colin could feel Thom hard against his leg. Thom whispered into Colin's ear: "I think I choose the wrong Greenwood. I don't want Jonny; I want you."
Colin was astonished. "Beg your pardon?" he said, taking a step back.
"You heard me. I'm making a mistake."
"Obviously; so now get rid of this hardon and go back to my brother so he can lick your shaven cheeks as much as he wants."
"Coz, it's exactly what I'm talking about! How can I be in love with someone who makes me shave when I don't want to?"
"Try to understand, he doesn't like hair too much."
"Who is he to talk? He has more hair than I have on his chest! The whole world could see that during thumbs_down!" Thom replied, rolling his eyes.
"Ask him to wax, then. What do I care? It's none of my business. Now, if you'll excuse me, Ed's waiting..."
Colin picked up the tray of food.
"No, wait," said Thom, snatching it from Colin's hands and setting it back on the table. "I'm not taking no for an answer. I've chosen, and it's you, full stop."
Colin frowned. "You should have said that when we were fucking in the bathroom; it was a rather appropriate moment, don't you think? But no, once again you decide to be selfish. Oh, yeah, let's get back together, woohoo! What do you think will happen? You just convinced Jonny to forgive you, and he is happy as fuck that you sorted things out. And so is Ed. Do you want to break their hearts again?"
Thom pouted. "I'm not going to ignore my feelings, now, am I?"
"I'm afraid we- you'll have to."
"You said 'we'."
"No I didn't."
"You want me back too."
"Look, Thom," Colin sighed. "Yes, you're sexy. Yes, I want to fuck you. Yes, I'll always have a thing for you considering all the... history we have. But I care about Ed, too. I care about my brother. And I care about the band. So I'm telling you no. We can't. It's not right, get it?"
"They don't need to know." Thom stated coldly. With that he pushed Colin against the nearest wall, pinning Colin's wrists above his head. He crashed his lips onto his and forced his tongue inside Colin's mouth. Thom started grinding into Colin, and to his satisfaction he felt Colin getting hard against him, in spite of his determination to reject Thom.
Thom let one of Colin's wrists go so he could work at getting Colin's trousers off for the second time that day. Colin used his newfound freedom to push Thom back a few steps.
"Thom, no!" Colin said forcefully. "After years and years, we're both about to finally going to be with the people of our dreams. We should try to not fuck it up for once."
"But I want to be with you."
Colin sighed. "No, you don't. We worked when we were young because we were just fooling around and it didn't mean anything. But you've got to face that we're adults now."
"Things were much simpler back then."
"You've fought a long time for Jonny, don't give up now just as everything's about to be great."
"I know. I do love him."
"Then let's not fuck this up."
They heard Ed's voice from the corner of the kitchen: "Are you two quite done?"
Colin and Thom sprang apart and turned towards the voices. Ed was leaning against the door frame and Jonny was standing next to him, a wrapped gift in hand.
"Here's your present, Thom," Jonny said, holding the gift out. "If you still want it."
Thom walked towards Jonny and wrapped him in a huge hug. "I'm a screw up. But I do love you and want to be with you."
"You are a screw up and that's why I want to be with you," Jonny laughed into Thom's hair. They pulled back from each other and Thom took the gift from Jonny's hands.
"What did you get me?" he asked.
"Open it!" Jonny said.
Thom opened the gift and lifted the lid off the box. Inside were a week's worth of boxers, with Thom's initials embroidered on each pair.
Jonny was grinning. "This way, there won't be any other underwear mix ups."
Thom laughed. "I don't know, it's a strange path, but sometimes finding someone else's boxes when doing the laundry can lead to someplace very good."
"That might be true in this case, but I never want to go through this again," Jonny said, leaning over to kiss Thom's cheek.

5 Days Before Christmas

Jonny ran uphill as fast as he could. He was late and he didnt want Thom to think he was standing him up. There were a lot of times where either one of them would be more than late meeting up with each other, but this time is different. Thom had something important for Jonny. He specifically said 'don't be late, i have to do something and it has to be tonight'. Angry at himself for letting time slip by, Jonny sprinted like the athlete he wasn't until he was half way between almost there and so very far still. Mud was caking on his shoes and slinging onto the bottom of his pants, but he could care less. It did cross him that his hair would be a tosseled mess when he got to the top, but there were more important things to think about than his physical appearance. Thom needed to see him, he said so. That thought alone pushed Jonny to run faster and further than he ever had. Jonny finally locked his knees and caught his balance at the top of the hill, where a gust of wind greeted him with friendly haist.

"Thom?" He couldn't tell how loud he was speaking because of the mild hum in his ears from so much movement. He didn't see his friend until something bolted up from the tall grass and turned his way. Thom was lying on the ground and supporting himself up on one arm lazily. "Joooooonnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy," Thom strained as he stretched like a cat, "Ive been lying here waiting for you-" Jonny skipped up to Thom gracefully and knelt down beside him. "Thom Im so sorry! I didn't mean to be late! I lost track of time! School has me tied up in three different rehearsals, but thats no excuse!" Jonny was apologizing to Thom as if he were some form of authority he feared disappointing. Thom giggled with great amusement. "Jonny! It's okay! I was going to say that im glad i had the time to lay here and thing about everything before you got here," Thom concluded with a big, flushing smile. Jonny, out of breath and still racing upstairs, stared into Thom's eyes with a blank expression.

"Oh," was all Jonny could get out, before Thom jolted up like a spring and bounced on his toes. His movements stirred tiny bugs in the grass and they jumped around and disappeared like they had never existed. C'mon, lets go sit by the tree so we can talk." Thom scratched at his arms and skipped ahead of Jonny with an energy he never seemed to carry before. He seemed more alive than usual, not that he wasn't alive enough. Jonny followed him with insane curiosity and foreboding. He could feel change in the air. The color of the sky was different this evening.///

By the time Jonny had walked that small distance to the tree, Thom was already sitting cross-legged and ready to do whatever it was that he was going to do. A few feet away, and Jonny stopped walking. 'Neverminds' of all sorts raced through his head at the speed of light and he couldn't take another step. What was about to happen? Why did today feel so off? Why was Thom so out of character? Why did his stomach hurt so bad?

Jonny frowned and took one, tiny, unnoticeable, ineffective step back, but Thom had jumped up somewhere in there and grabbed Jonny's wrists. "Hurry, mate! The sun's goin' down without us!" Thom pulled Jonny four long steps to the big, gnarled tree and pulled Jonny down with his own body weight. They both hit the ground without concern and then it was official. Jonny was sitting there with Thom, something he had been imagining all day. Thom scooted closer to Jonny, and tried to get him to look up at him. There was no way he could look at Thom though, with his silly face and his blue eyes, and his short hair and his black sweater. He noticed that it was way too big, and thought it looked just like Colin's that he lost a while ago. "Jonny?"

Jonny snapped back and suddenly he was impaled deeply by violently intrusive eyes, so intense that he felt he was being probed and interrogated by his friend. Thom was being a snake again, Jonny thought. Its easier to strike when your prey is hypnotized by your gaze. Jonny began to sweat as Thom's eyes softened, and he plopped his hands in his lap childishly. "So? How was your day, JonJon?" Thom asked casually.

"What did you want me here for?" Jonny shocked himself with his own words, being so blunt, direct and to the point. Thom couldn't help but smile, and he rested his chin on his knees. "Well, Jonny, I have something to give you."

"A present?" Jonny perked up. Jonny loved presents, especially wrapped ones that he could open and squeal about. Jonny always got a lot of presents, each of them equally as surprising as the last.

"Well, yeah. Basically, Ive got two things for you." Jonny sat up at this news. Two presents? The night's hostility seems meaningless now as the thought of Thom presenting Jonny with two personalized, thoughtful gifts. No one outside of his own home had ever giving Jonny a present. This was a first. Jonny's impatient personality was kicking in. He only knew he was about to receive, so nothing else mattered.

"What? Can I have them now? Please?" Thom giggled and shook his head. "Are you sure? Its a very big present." Jonny was confused. If it was so big then where was Thom hiding it? Did he expect Jonny to hunt for it? It was Christmas not Easter! "Thom what are you going on about? Give me my presents." Jonny was getting poutty and cranky from having to wait seconds longer than he anticipated. Thom scratched his arms where the bugs had eaten him in the grass.

"Alright. One of them is in my pocket." Jonny's eyes landed on Thom's trousers. "The big present is?" Jonny looked for signs of hugeness, but found none. The confusion was increasing. Thom was laughing out loud now, his eyes sparkling in the last of the sun's dim light. "No! The big gift is right in front of you."

Jonny thought about Thom's mind games. "Your not giving me YOU for Christmas are you?" Jonny said flatly. "No! Just shut up Jon, you git." Thom was looking out at the fields, where the sun was a streak of hot light being pressed down by a mild night-sky.

"Im going to give it to you now, ok Jonny?" Thom whispered this part. Jonny was washed in goosebumps from head to toe. The sun was gone now, but it wasn't dark yet. Jonny could still see Thom, but not very well. Thom got up on his knees and scooched a few inches closer to Jonny. Alarms went off in Jonny's head as the space between them decreased. Thom's face was so close to Jonny's that he could smell him and feel his breath. What did this have to do with his big present?

Thom supported himself with his hands on his knees and leaned forward until his lips fell into Jonny's. He had leaned so far that Thom was resting his full weight on Jonny's mouth. Thom's eyes were open but Jonny's eyes had rolled shut. He groaned quietly, Thom heard it very well. He wanted to be able to watch Jonny's reaction without it being too noticeable, so he chose this time of day, not quite night but not evening anymore. It was grey outside, but it was glowing. Thom felt Jonny lean in more and he felt relieved that Jonny didn't freak and run or worse. He wasn't too worried though, he knew Jonny wanted him this whole time, just as Thom hungered for Jonny. The kiss lasted until it was alarmingly dark. The night caught them by surprise. Thom pulled away, his arms stiff from supporting himself. They were staring at each other, even if they couldn't see it happening.

"Was that...my big present?" Thom said a quiet mh-hm. Jonny was just as shocked and overwhelmed by the kiss as he was disappointed that it wasn't an actual large wrapped box with an item inside it. Oh well. "Oh, um, but you said there were two, right? One in you pocket?" Jonny was still high from the kiss. Thom sighed happily and drove his hands in both pockets. After a bit of fiddling he pulled out a folded piece of paper. He passed it to Jonny in the blackness.

"What is it? A note?" Jonny asked. Thom nodded, though it wasn't very helpful. "I wrote to you, Jonny. Its um...personal stuff...about, well. Read it later." Jonny raised an eyebrow. "Why would you give it to me at night? I cant read it!" Jonny tossed his hands in the air.

A smile formed on Thom's mischievous face. "Exactly. Read it later, mate." Thom looked in Jonny's direction a bit longer before standing up. "Well, Im off now. Im going out of town with my family for the holiday and i wanted to spend my last night here with you." Jonny was touched and happy and confused and excited and upset that Thom was leaving. "When are you getting back?"

"Next year!" Thom ran off that quickly and that easily. Leaving Jonny sitting there alone in the dark. He was freaking out about the amount of time Thom said he would be gone, until it occurred to him that next year was less than 2 weeks away. He could wait. Looking at the note folded by unevenly by careless hands, Jonny decided to wait for as long as he ever could to open the note. Days went by, then months, Jonny and Thom reunited and life went on as usual. Years went on and the note was forgotten.

One day Thom was going through a drawer and the note came up. He handed it to Jonny and Jonny looked at it hard. He didn't want to open it. Not yet. Thom understood. It was something more now. It might not ever be read. Whatever Thom had to say back then, Jonny thought to himself as he wrapped his arms around his Thom in affection, it was being said now.

A Red Santa Hat

A red Santa hat.

Jonny blinked dumbly before moving his eyes down only to be met with a sly smile plastered on a smug face.

“I thought of wearing the suit and stuffing it with a couple of pillows as well, but those bastards at the costume shop ask for 50 pounds for the whole night,” Thom licked his lips, loving the effect his sudden appearance had on Jonny, “But lookie, I’ve got the real beard. It’s not like all that artificial white stuff. This thing it’s real,” Thom stroked his stubble.

Jonny was still speechless.

“Well, judging by your reaction, I guess I should explain myself,” Thom shifted from foot to foot, “We haven’t seen each other for…erm…two months? Telephone calls aside…and well it’s Christmas Eve, and I thought ‘Hell, why wouldn’t I go to check up on that mate of mine, Jonny his name is, and why wouldn’t I bring a red Claus sac full of booze?’, and well, here I am,” Thom gazed meaningfully behind his back, indicating the clinking sac behind his shoulders.

“I thought you were going to have a party at your house tonight,” finally Jonny swallowed the ball that was troubling his breathing and produced a sound.

“I am! But you know what? Half-way through, the time when I usually look for you so we could talk, I realized you weren’t there and so I decided to ditch everybody,” Thom started to become nervous now, “Listen, um, I am not interrupting anything, am I? I mean…if there’s a gorgeous blonde in your living room, I’ll just go back, I mean it’s not a big deal really, they are probably waiting for me anyway…”

“No, the only gorgeous blonde here is you,” Jonny tried to sound jokingly, but it turned out completely wrong and they both blushed, looking down. They were silent for a moment, before Thom took a deep breathe:

“Have you got any nice glasses?”

“Yeah.”

…::…

Jonny loved the way his small dingy apartment turned into something holiday-like when Thom appeared there suddenly; they turned off the main lights and set up a coffee table, feeling it with quick snacks they managed to make and bottles that Thom brought with him. Sitting on the floor, they picked an old cheesy Christmas movie and turned the volume on, talking about nothing, just enjoying the company. Thom produced a miniature Christmas tree from the sac he brought and set it in the middle of the table.

“Where’s that from?” Jonny smiled, fingering the green plastic.

“Actually, I snatched it from the liquor store,” Thom laughed, “The owner had his back on me and I thought that it was nice and I was sure that you didn’t have a huge tree in your place, so I’ve decided to borrow that one.”

“Whoa, you sure they didn’t have any hidden cameras?”

“Oh my bloody God,” Thom’s jaw dropped, “You think they might’ve recorded it?”

“Oh yeah! Tomorrow morning, NME’s going to have an article: ‘Starving artist is forced to steal a Christmas tree.’”

“I’ll return it right now then,” Thom got up, but Jonny laughed and caught his hand in the mid-air, tackling him down to the ground again. Thom lost his balance and landed on top of Jonny’s lap with a loud “oomph”.

“Jonny,” Thom giggled, brushing Jonny’s hair away so he could see his face, “Lemme go, I have to save my dignity!”

“Oh, shut up,” Jonny smiled at him lovingly, circling his waist with his arms, “It’s not like it’s the biggest shock you’ve brought to the public.”

“What’s the biggest one then?” Thom smiled, straddling Jonny’s lap and putting his hands on the bigger man’s shoulders.

“Well you know, if some paparazzi was taking pictures of us now, I think it would be the biggest stunt ever,” Jonny leaned against the sofa, holding Thom in his arms, his consciousness clouded with alcohol and Thom’s close presence.

“Ooh, maybe we should give the poor guy more material,” Thom reached his hand up to stroke Jonny’s jaw line with his fingers, “D’you think he is shooting us from window of the building across?”

“Yeah, that must be it,” Jonny’s eyes darted to see Thom’s lips and his breathe hitched a little.

“Okay, so,” Thom tilted his head, moving closer to Jonny, “When we kiss, keep in mind that we have to make a nice angle for the guy.”

Jonny was nodding, the words not quite reaching his mind. He felt Thom’s hand wrap around the back of his neck and then he was drawn closer to the man on top of him, their lips meeting for a small peck before they started to kiss fiercely; Thom stood on his knees, still straddling Jonny, and his hands were rubbing his shoulders, eager to feel the skin underneath the shirt. Jonny moaned quietly and pushed against Thom harder, his fingers grabbing Thom’s shirt and pulling it up a little reflexively. But just as it started, the kiss stopped abruptly, as Thom pulled away, laughing and gazing sideways, giving a finger to his imaginary photographer and shouting something. Jonny panted, his fingers still grasping Thom’s shirt. He realized that Thom’s hand was still resting on his cheek, so he turned his head a little and kissed it, savoring the feel of the warm skin against his lips, flicking it with his nose and closing his eyes to inhale the smell of Thom’s slightly damp palm.

Feeling the wet contact, Thom turned his head and looked at Jonny – his chest heaving and his face rubbing against his palm in agony. He sighed and watched the younger man for a while, his pupils dilating and heart fluttering at the eager caresses he was receiving. Finally, Jonny’s eyes opened and they looked at each other. Thom slowly settled back on Jonny’s lap, playing with his hair softly and stroking his neck and shoulders.

“The summer after we met,” Jonny caught Thom’s hand again, kissing his fingers and rubbing his cheek against them, “I walked on you while you were stretching on Colin’s bed with your eyes closed, with headphones on, your lips moving and forming the lyrics…and…something about the way one of your legs was bent at the knee and your hand on your stomach,” Jonny closed his eyes, letting his hair fall on his face, “Something about the way your hair was messy that day…something about the way you smiled at me when you told you that we were waiting for you so we could start a rehearsal,” Jonny raised his head, looking not at Thom directly, but a little to the side from his face, “And then it just kept growing.”

Jonny trailed off, a little smile forming on his lips; Thom thought he had forgotten about him, but then Jonny was playing with his fingers again, kissing them one by one and holding them in his hand before looking at Thom’s face, carefully avoiding the eye contact and tracing his features with the soft pad of his finger. His eyes narrowed in pleasure and curiosity as he stroked the soft skin that was spiky with stubble at some places. Thom noticed him biting his lip – they way a young boy would while playing with his favourite toy.

Thom moved a little and Jonny dropped his hand, blushing and looking down. “Sorry,” he mumbled through a smile, “I wanted to get as much as I could while you were in stupor. I guess we will never be that close again,” he added with a sadness in his voice, “That is, if I am allowed to see you at all,” he raised his head, looking at Thom with doomed bitterness, making their first eye contact for the evening.

“The night after our first gig,” Thom reached across to cup his face while the color drained from Jonny’s face, “I had this feeling of intense euphoria…and I remember us sitting on the sofa at that after party, our eyes closed and heads thrown back and talking complete rubbish…and I remember they way our shoulders and thighs brushed against each other and the way you slurred after a few pints. We had this,” Thom smiled, looking down for a second, “Wild connection…breathing at the same rate and thinking at the unison. And I thought the way you smelled and how I wanted to snuggle in close to you on that sofa right there in then. How nice it would be if we were together.”

Thom ducked for another quick kiss from Jonny’s unmoving lips, chuckling slightly.

“Seriously?” Jonny mumbled under his breathe, not quite believing yet.

“Yeah, seriously,” Thom smiled, “I guess, we have to make it official, eh?” he rubbed his cheek against Jonny’s, closing his eyes, “What I was trying to say was…I love you,” he whispered it in Jonny’s ear before nipping at it lightly, “Aren’t you going to anything, Jon?”

“Holy fuck,” Jonny’s eyes became huge with happiness, “Bloody shit....”

“Very romantic, Jon-Jon,” Thom smacked his shoulder playfully, “Here we have the bloody Christmas tree and the cheesy movie is on, and we are drinking and pouring our souls out, and all you can think about is profanities,” Thom pouted and Jonny kissed him as if to check if this image was still true. Thom returned the kiss and they launched another session on exploration of each other’s bodies, their sighs mingling and fingers clawing at flesh desperately.

“Okay, okay,” Jonny pulled back with a great effort, “Okay, even if it’s some kind of insane dream, I’m gonna say it,” he took Thom’s face in his hands, “I love you.”

Jonny closed his eyes as if expecting to wake up, but nothing happened. Instead, he felt a warm flick of the tongue on his lips and when he opened his eyes again he saw Thom’s smiling face.

“You know,” Thom reached back to grab two glasses of wine from the table, “I should’ve chosen a different holiday for this. Christmas is waaay overused,” he handed one glass to Jonny, “Imagine if I chose…hmmm…world vegetarian day? I’d stop by your place in a broccoli costume and advice you to eat me,” Jonny shook his head, “No? All right…Oktoberfest then? I’d make a hot Bavarian chick.”

“Bavarian chicks are not my type,” Jonny laughed, pecking Thom on the mouth.

“Who’s your type then?”

“The very bloke sitting on my lap.”

“Ah, Jonny,” Thom clinked their glasses, “I think I feel most sorry for us missing out on all the sweet talk…never mind sex and making out.”