"What's Classics?" This thought seems to recurr in Jonny's mind every moment and it's bugging him a lot. He looked around the bare studios cautiously, making sure no one is sneaking behind walls and precariously walked towards his macbook. He's in atease forums in a few seconds, surprisingly fast this time. He took another look at the walls around him, just in case, and clicked on the suggestive subforum "The Classics".
He was taken aback by the titles of the threads albeit slightly disappointed that it wasn't any good ol' banjo kind of 'classics', they are all threads dripping with sex! Instinctively, he was attracted to the one that says 'Jonny Is The Sex'. He smiled to himself and was about to click it when he noticed the thread just right under it that says 'Thom Yorke and cheesecake'. He was rather amused by the title and the thought of Thom with cheesecake aroused him, making him drool a little. He quickly recollected himself lest someone comes into the room and catch him in that state. He browsed through the 1000 over pages and realised it's a sick thread about them having gay sex. Even though it says fan FICTION, he knew that it's true that he and Thom has been engaging in hot homosexual orgies for God knows how long. He started to worry about the fans knowing the truth about them all being whores and wondered if Stanley really did hide a camera in the cracks of the wall now and then whenever he and Thom are having a fucking great time. Man, some of the so called fiction are spot-on!
He randomly clicked on a page and right before him appeared a particularly hardcore piece about he and Thom fucking in the crowded broken-down subway. He brushed away his fringe and sniggered to himself, perhaps he could print this out for reference. It's high time they have some new exciting positions and all and since it's the new year, he thought he might just surprise Thom with this piece of 'cheesecake'. Excitedly, he blushed and thought about all the possibilities when he heard someone at the door.
"What are you printing, Jonny??" Thom's inquisitive voice made him jumped a little.
"erm, just browsing for some tabs for my new banjo..." Jonny replied with haste and flashed a smile at Thom.
Upon hearing about banjo, Thom dismissed it as boring stuff and left Jonny to himself, without forgetting to give Jonny a quick peck on his ruddy cheeks before leaving.
As Thom skipped out of the room in a jolly manner, Jonny smiled to himself. He can't wait to give Thom his surprise.
Showing posts with label Ateasers / Radiohead. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ateasers / Radiohead. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Friday, December 21, 2007
Patrick Meets Thom
Patrick wasn't feeling well. His life was fine, he had enough money, his job was okay, and his was healthier than ever. But he just didn't feel well. After talking to his girlfriend about it, she suggested he go away for a few days and be by himself to think. He adored his wife for giving him so much freedom and allowing him to find and be himself without heartache or dissatisfaction. After spending a few days with her, he was on his way from a last minute decision to go on a 200 mile drive to a music convention. After driving for two days, sleeping one night in an icky motel, one in his cramped car, and eating Snickers and Dr. Pepper for breakfast, he was finally there at the huge eye-sore of a collusium style building not worth remembering the name of.
Patrick cued up and eventually presented his online ticket to one of the several red-faced men herding people through the entrances. They stamped his hand like a child at a state fair and gave him a pass for two of the 4 days it was going on, then Patrick was free to wander. While observing his vast surroundings, Patrick felt good about not having to worry about anyone right now. He cleared his mind and sighed. He was no longer Patrick, he was 'Random-Convention-Guy'. He spent the first 6 hours browsing new guitars, basses, drumkits, digital mics, old school equipment, recording setups, headphones, amps, pedals, picks, pick-ups, attachments, wires, software, and alot of useless shit thrown in there as well. After growing tired of a demonstration of some sort, the tired Patrick made his way to a cramped section of old vinyls. He was scarfing down an overpriced hotdog as he thumbed through boxes of ancient music, most people he didn't at all recognise, nor could he place it's genre. He shoved the rest of the hotdog in his mouth and choked it down, absent-mindedly moving to the next box of curious unknown bands.
The only thing he found interesting was a foreign techno-band's vinyl, presented in a horrid neon yellow and pink sleeve. As he went to pull it out of the box and towards him for observation, he noticed that it wouldn't budge. He saw on the other side of the record, a hand. Connected to that hand was an arm, to that arm a body, to that body and face, and to that face, blazing blue eyes and a challenging smirk. Patrick blushed and turned away. He hated making eye contact with complete strangers in public. He hadn't realised the grip he had on the record, and he hadn't realised the look the strange man was getting in his eyes. He was confident looking, and held himself well, without letting the record go, he scratched his chin and began to speak.
"Give it up, boy, this record is as good as mine." He was obviously trying not to laugh at this poor kid fighting to keep a death grip on a crappy unknown techno record.
Patrick looked up at the man again, slowly, and thought the man to be very familiar. But he averted his eyes soon after, and politely digressed. "Well, i mean, rightfully, i got to it first, so rules usually...um," Patrick didn't know what to say to this man. For no good reason, he wasn't giving him his music and thats all that mattered. "Silly rules like that don't apply to me, Boy, give up, fingers off."
But Patrick wouldn't give up. He was surprised by this man's smug confidence that he was actually going to take his property! Patrick was trying to focus on how pissed off he was with this bastard, but his face was throwing him off. "Dude, just...let go, ok? Why are you-?!" The look on Patrick's face was frustration mixed with confusion. The man placed his left hand on his hip and threw his head back in hearty,nerdy laughter, right hand still claiming the neon eye sore. He took a good look at the young man he was struggling with and Patrick took advantage to do the same thing.
The man's eyes were wise, educated, warm and somewhat deviant. They were blue as eyes could get, but not the same as Patrick's. The man's eyes were a deep ocean blue, bottomless and beautiful, deep and wild, whereas Patrick's were steal blue and solid, like the color of clean, calm, shallow water, or that of a new born baby's. He had a scruffy almost-beard and wore a black long-sleeved shirt with the sleeved rolled up. The man's smile only got bigger. It was his eyes that were so familiar. His left one was a bit off...
The very second Patrick gasped with the realisation of who the man was, he lost his grip and it was snatched away in the blink of an eye. The man walked up to a fat, hairy geek in charge of the records and dropped a large bill on the skirted table at least quadruple its worth. He knew that Patrick figured him out. "Look! I got it! i told you," he said in a quiet squeaky voice, more to himself than to the young man bewildered before him. The older man waved him off with the record and walked away with the confidence and well being that could only belong to him.
Patrick's jaw dropped open. "T-Thom Yorke?" Hearing his name, Thom smiled to himself and turned his head slightly to catch a glimpse of the young man's face. Yes priceless of course. He enjoyed that moment, finding it amusing that the young man bore a striking resemblance of his younger self. That was fun, but now Thom had to find something else to do. Walking across the huge building to the other side, he joined a group of people enjoying an old black man play blues on a steel guitar. He became lost in thought, and barely noticed the light tugging in his hand a few minutes later.
It was that boy. He had his grip on the record again. He didn't even bother looking up at Thom this time. "I found you. Give it up, Mr. Yorke," Patrick grumbled, attempting a twist-move to loosen the singer's grip. Thom was both amused by the respectful title and appalled by the way it sounded. Thom turned around and faced the young man, who still had a hand on the record.
"Dear boy! I may be getting on in years, but I am by NO means a Mr. I bet im younger at heart than you," Thom cooed, "And obviously stronger. Are you struggling?"
"No! Im not struggling! Just want my record back!" Patrick said, both hands on the vinyl, pulling.
Thom scoffed. Something about this kid was growing on Thom, and when Patrick's childish blue eyes jolted up and snatched Thom's in a selfish rush accompanied by frustration, Thom's heart fluttered. How adorable was this kid? he thought. Thom was instantly reminded of his Jonny, and his clever way of making Thom give in with poutty faces and tantrums. He recognised Patrick's behavior as a plee for something he didn't know he wanted, but Thom knew all too well. A warm smile occupied Thom's face as he returned the man's look with comprimise.
Thom pretended to be annoyed and rolled his eyes. "Look, boy. Why don't you come with me to me room and listen to it first before you continue trying to steal it from me all night. I didn't come here to wrestle with a child."
Patrick darted from insult to shock, his eyes widening as he looked up at Thom with uncertainty. "Go with you?" he said quietly. Patrick may not have given Thom credit for his status during the record-scuffle, but he was giving it to him now. Thom Yorke had just invited him back to his room. Thom yanked the record away again and shoved it under his other arm protectively. He turned and began to walk away. "or fine, don't go, I could care less."
Behind him he heard the young man skip to catch up to him, and excitement boiled in Thom's belly. It has been so long since Thom has played this game, and back then he was the same age as the boys he played it with. When they got outside Thom stood as tall as he could and looked out at concrete and people and was happy to be somewhere where no one knew who he was. He wondered if that boy was still behind him.
"What's your name, boy?" Thom asked, not bothering to turn around.
"Patrick. And Im not a boy..." Patrick felt childish responding to Thom's statement that way.
"Oh yeah? How old are you?" The answer to this question was very important, Thom listened anxiously for what he had hoped to be a legal age.
"Im 22. How old are you, 43?" Patrick asked. Thom felt a great relief that he kept to himself. This boy was more than old enough for Thom. He only looked like a boy. "How did you know my age, Boy?" Thom turned around, playing with his beard. He had no intentions of treating Patrick like an adult, he wasn't one yet. But knowing he was 22, and remembering himself at that age, he shifted his mood from authoritive to inquisitive. Patrick kicked a cigerette butt into a crack in the ground, shy after feeling the look Thom was giving him. "My girlfriend, she loves Radiohead, so your birthday is a private holiday for her. We both went to the In Rainbows concert in '08, the one in Texas. You guys fucking kicked ass. I never felt as euphoric and inhuman as i did at that concert. You alone blew my mind open. You always have."
Thom was flattered by Patrick, blushing even. But he was too curious about the boy's personality to let everything be about himself. "Come. Walk with me, Boy." Thom began to walk towards the sidewalk that led into the city, away from the convention. Patrick caught up side by side with Thom. They both walked at the same pace, so they could walk with eachother easily. Neither of them looked at eachother, but conversation insued.
"Does it bother you, that im 43?"
"No? Why would your age bother me?"
"Dunno, just asking. You might think im too old to bother with."
"Your Thom Yorke."
"This is true."
"Where are we going?"
"Up the street here. Ive got a room in this swanky hotel I probably didn't need."
"Are you by yourself?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Mh-hm, I needed time to think. I haven't been feeling well. So I came out here to be alone."
"Are you looking for something?"
"Hm...no, well. Maybe. I just don't know this feeling. Thats why I am here."
Thom understood this feeling. It was years ago but he remembered it. Thom knew that what this boy needed, Thom could give him. He even wished he had someone there for him when he was Patrick's age. While they were walking, Thom studied Patrick from the corner of his eye, allowing his feelings for the boy to show to the smallest degree. They were just about the same size, Patrick being about an inch shorter or so, and he liked the mole Patrick had on his left cheeckbone, right below his eye. Patrick eventually noticed and stared back. Then looked ahead, then looked at Thom again, then his face scrunched up and he looked at the sidewalk. Thom wasn't looking away.
"Why are you staring at me?"
Thom shrugged, still looked at Patrick.
"Can't I look at you?"
Patrick had no answer to this. All he knew was that Thom was making him have butterflies in his stomach. "So, Boy, what do you think about me?" Thom suggested, the flirtation in his throat causing his words to hum. Patrick looked confused. "What do you mean?" Thom smiled. They stopped at a crosswalk and waited with a group of people that could care less who they were. "You know. What do you think of me. My looks? My appearance?" Thom was trying not to laugh, because the look on Patrick's face became twisted and shocked. He looked to be suffocating.
"Well. Well...well..." Patrick was looking for words. His face was beet red and he was fidgeting nervously. "Your a...you..."
"Do you think im good looking?" the group started walking so Thom and Patrick followed assuming that it was time to. "Well?" Thom pressed, now playing with the record in his hands to entice the boy.
"Well...you...yes, you are good...looking...i mean i never have thought about it." Patrick was dizzy with embarrassment. Thom Yorke was talking to him. Holy fuck.
"Well, I think your very good looking, Patrick." Patrick stopped in the middle of the street at the sound of his name. That was the first time that Thom called him by name, it sounded very odd. He got the chills. So did Thom. "Your gonna get ran over!" Thom yelled behind him and heard Patrick catch up again. The hotel was a block away, and no more words were exchanged until they were in the elevator to Thom's room.
The hotel was a block away, and no more words were exchanged until they were in the elevator to Thom's room.
"Are we going to end up in some crazy presidential suite on the top floor?" Patrick asked flatly.
Thom rolled his eyes. "Nooooooooo..."
The elevator stopped with a ding on the second floor from the top. Thom led the way down a large corridor with significantly less rooms on it than the floors below. They reached a room at the end and Thom swiped his card in the door until it finally let them in. Patrick was dumb-founded by the large house-sized room that sprawled out endlessly before him. Granite marble, black appliances, white and cream colors, real gold and crystal, a crazy balcony, even a water fountain was heard in the distance.
"You said you weren't in a crazy presidential suite!" Patrick squeaked, still shocked by the size of the room. Thom looked behind him. "Not in the one on the top floor, I said. I'm in the one bellow it," Thom cut his sentence off with stifled laughter and turned around to walk to the right. Patrick shook his head, trying to remind himself that this was Thom Yorke after all. He could hear Thom talking in from where ever he went to.
"Its not that I ask for these rooms," Thom spoke up, zipping something up and throwing something on the floor, "Its just that when the staff find out who I am, you don't have to stand in the doorway, Boy, poke around a bit I don't mind, when the staff realise im Thom Yorke from Radiohead, they...oh shit...they put me in this type of room...did I brake this thing?" Thom began talking to himself and became distracted by something very clanky.
Patrick decided to go in and walk to the left side, yes there were sides in this damn room. Right infront of Patrick there was a small sitting area with two big, white, leather sitting chairs and a glass coffee table, over looking the city in a yellowish haze of pollution. A blue jean jacket was thrown across one of the chairs, as well as a pair of jeans and a shirt. Patrick tried to imagine why Thom would get naked in that particularly revealing spot or if it was even Thom that did get naked right there. Oh well.
Next he traveled down a dark hall way with no windows and no lights, into a room that was quite small. In the room was a guitar, a piano that probably belonged to the hotel, lots of scattered papers, empty take-away boxes, and another full outfit piled in the floor. Patrick could only conclude that Thom liked to get naked at random times in random places for no particular reason and walked out, only a little disturbed.
Patrick walked down the dark hallway again, noticed a door to his right that he over looked and opened it. It was some kind of sauna, looking to be untouched so far. Thom doesn't like saunas, Patrick concluded from this, and walked away.
Time to go to the right side. When he walked passed the low ceiling-entrance and into the next division, he saw a large, open kitchen, one that would and should be in a mansion but not in a hotel by any means. It seemed out of place and pointless, but dirty pots and pans were scattered about, on the stainless steel electric stove and in the stainless steel sink with gold faucets. There was a glass table across the kitchen with two chairs to it. Plates littered that area and Patrick couldn't help but stack them up a little better, as two were on the edge and close to dropping on the clean, white, marble floor.
"You alright, Boy? Making a lot of noise there," Thom mumbled loudly, making a seperate racket of his own. His voice was coming from down the next hall. Patrick walked through it, encountering another random pile of clothes swept against the wall, and stood in the doorway of the last room in the suite.
It was the bedroom of course. A huge bedroom. Gigantic. The bed alone was bigger than a king-size, probably custom-made for the room. But even the bed looked tiny when placed in such a huge environment. The sheets and blanket were twisted together and some pillows were tossed on the floor It was too white all over the place, but the position of the sun had dimmed the room enough to bare its stark-whiteness.
"Thom?" Patrick spoke out quietly, not wanting to intrude on him. He took a few steps deeper into the huge room and tripped on a pile of clothes. A black shirt and jeans and this time boxers; the outfit that Thom had on today. Was Thom naked? Patrick wondered if he should back out now or keep looking for Thom when he heard a voice from deep within. "You in here, Boy? I thought I heard you." The sound of running water disturbed the calm of the surroundings. "Im...standing by the door," Patrick said and stepped back into the doorway. More noise and clattering and a zip. "You can come in. Your welcome to do whatever you want, just dont run up my bill, its high enough already."
So Patrick walked back in. The only thing he truly wanted to do in here was jump on that bed. It was so big he could help the impulse. "Can I per chance jump on your bed?" There were more sounds of something dropping and Thom swung around a corner by the wall sized window Patrick didn't notice. There must be a bathroom back there. He wasn't wearing a shirt, but thats all Patrick could see. Thom looked very amused by Patrick's question.
"What?!" Thom laughed.
"Well, ive never seen a bed so huge. I wanna jump on it." Patrick blushed. That was a weird thing to ask to do. "No, Im mean go nuts, Boy. I guess I never thought about it. Seems tempting enough." Thom disappeared around the corner again. Patrick did his personalised happy-dance and positioned himself for a proper jump and landing. This sort of thing made Patrick very happy, though he could never find out why; getting to lick cake batter out of the bowl, driving fast, winning a video game,obtaining shiny objects, jumping on hotel beds, things of that sort. Before jumping, Patrick removed his shoes, out of politeness, and his leather jacket, so nothing will damper his speed. He took a few large steps back, aimed, ran as fast as he could and jumped as high as he could.
When he landed on the bed on his back, he bounced high a few times, cool air whooshed up from under him and some of the sheets fluttered up and fell across his legs. Patrick laughed out loud in pure joy, and one would have. All in all it was a very good decision, and the bed was extremely comfortable. The instant he hit, his eyes got heavy, and he closed them. Patrick loved cold sheets, he stretched out and forgot where he was for a few seconds. He would love to have a bed like this, minus the white sheets for several reasons. The sun was going down and the room was getting dark. Patrick wondered what the hell Thom was doing.
Then he noticed Thom standing by the huge window, with a huge grin on his face. Patrick heard the sound of running, Followed by a swish of clothing in mid-air. Finalised by a body landing heavily beside him. Thom had jumped on the bed, too. He was laughing out from the fun of it. Patrick sat up akwardly, not knowing if he should get off the bed or stay where he was. Thom didn't seem to care though, he wasn't even looking at him, he had his eyes closed. After a minute of laying there, Thom let out a delayed "Weeeeeeeee". Then he looked over at Patrick.
"What next?" Thom asked, scratching his beard.
"Huh? I dunno.." Patrick was distracted by what Thom was wearing, a white wifebeater and a pair of baggy trousers. Thom noticed.
"What? Do I look funny?" Thom smiled.
"No, its just that, ive never seen you in clothes like that before."
"Well, you don't show up to photoshoots and interviews in underclothes, Boy." Thom giggled. Patrick felt stupid. Thom closed his eyes again and sighed with his mouth closed. Patrick looked at him closely, ready to divert his eyes at the moment Thom opened his. Patrick liked Thom's face, it was gentle, but harsh at the same time, he didn't have very many lines or wrinkles for his age either. Just a bit of a beard, with bits of grey in it, that gave his age away.
"Stop staring at me." Thom mumbled. Patrick jolted his head away and felt immense embarrassment. "Im just kidding, gah. Chill out, kick back, whatevah," Thom whispered, swinging his arms about like he was conducting an orchestra, before dropping them out to his sides. "Hey!" Patrick remembered. "Weren't we going to listen to that record?"
"Hm?" Thom said in a high pitched, girly tone.
"Thats why im here, right? Where's your record player?"
"Record player?" Thom said this like it was outrageous. "I don't have a record player."
"Then...why am I here?" Patrick asked suspiciously.
"You followed me remember?" Thom smiled, eyes still closed.
"What? No, I didn't-you said! I mean, if you hadn't-" Thom put his hand up and gestured that Patrick was talking too much. Patrick was offended. "What?! Hey! You were the one who-"
"Blah blah blah," Thom whispered, and sat up suddenly. His eyes were glazed over and seemed almost dangerous. Patrick felt uncomfortable. Again.
Thom scratched his eyes with both hands and groaned. The sun was almost completely gone, and Patrick could only see Thom's silhouette. "Sooooooo," Thom breathed heavily, his hands landing in his lap with a mild slap. "Why are you here?"
"What do you mean? Here with you?" Patrick was confused.
"Why did you leave home?"
"Oh, I told you, to get away."
"No, Boy. The real reason."
"I told you, because I didn't feel well."
"Ok, how do you feel now?"
"I-well...ok i guess."
"Why? You know what? You should just start from a point in your life, and tell me about yourself to the present." Thom tucked his legs underneath him and scratched his head the same way Thom is always seen scratching his head. "Why do you always scratch your head?" Patrick didn't mean to say outloud. Thom shrugged and made a look of annoyance. Patrick didn't want to annoy Thom, god forbid. Sighing outloud, not wanting to go into a personal information, Patrick prepared to spill his life to Thom. He started from around high school and work his way up his life, until he got to the present, where he even told Thom about the record and following him and how they are sitting on the bed. "The End." Patrick let himself fall back. Thom fell back, too, legs still tucked under him in an impossible way.
"You talk alot, like how Colin talks. Never even takes a breath," Thom said. Patrick was about to point out that Thom had asked him to talk, but he was more interested in what Thom just said. "Colin Greenwood? Really?" Thom snorted. "Yep, Colin." Patrick nodded. "Wow, Colin Greenwood."
"Yeah wow. Jonny Greenwood," Thom stated for no reason.
"Yeah Jonny," Patrick said, amazed that he was with the man that knew these people.
"And good ol' Ed O'Brien," Thom sighed.
"Wow...Ed."
"And Phil," Thom said matter-of-factly. "Eh," Patrick said. "Yeah, eh," Thom agreed. A few minutes went by with no words, until the room was completely dark. Patrick turned his head to see Thom but saw nothing. "Gonna turn a light on?" Patrick asked. "Nah," Thom answered. He reached down and all out scratched his balls. "Gross!" Patrick laughed, sitting up and hopping off the bed. Thom laughed a lazily laugh and kept scratching. "Im sorry, but I have to," Thom sang out in the dark. "Dude I know thats not scratching!" Patrick spoke up after a minute. Guilty laughter from the bed. "Cut it out!" Patrick yelled, feeling grossed out but intrigued that he was doing that when he was there.
"Number one: you are in my room. Number two: You can't see so it doesn't matter. Number three: Its not like im wanking it, im just fiddling with my junk." Patrick's reaction was priceless, throwing his head around and screaming like a woman. Thom laughed out loud and swung his legs over the bed, indulging in an involuntary stretch. "So your here to find yourself, Patrick?" Thom asked seriously. Patrick flinched, but agreed. "Yeah...yeah I guess so."
Thom got up and clicked on a very yellow, dim lamp, a white lamp of course. Thom then crawled across the bed, and sat over the edge and hung his legs on either side of Patricks, who was standing there rather awkwardly. He want to take a step back because their legs were touching. Thom was leaning forward and looking at Patrick's stomach, only inches away. Patrick couldn't breath right, he could hear his heart beating in his ears. He really wanted to move but he couldn't. He was standing between the legs of Thom Yorke, dammit. No one walks away from that. When Thom looked up at Patrick with glazed, serious eyes, Patrick stopped breathing, and thinking. His heart stopped, too.
"Alright, listen, Boy." Patrick listened.
"Im gonna show you why I brought you here, yeah?" Patrick nodded.
"And your going to be still and let me, ok?" More nodding.
"If you don't like what im doing then tell me to stop." Patrick swallowed hard.
"Ok..." Thom whispered, and, placing a comforting hand on Patrick's hip, he pushed himself as close to Patrick as he could get. Patrick wished that Thom had left the light off.
Patrick wasn't feeling well. His life was fine, he had enough money, his job was okay, and his was healthier than ever. But he just didn't feel well. After talking to his girlfriend about it, she suggested he go away for a few days and be by himself to think. He adored his wife for giving him so much freedom and allowing him to find and be himself without heartache or dissatisfaction. After spending a few days with her, he was on his way from a last minute decision to go on a 200 mile drive to a music convention. After driving for two days, sleeping one night in an icky motel, one in his cramped car, and eating Snickers and Dr. Pepper for breakfast, he was finally there at the huge eye-sore of a collosium style building not worth remembering the name of.
Patrick cued up and eventually presented his online ticket to one of the several red-faced men herding people through the entrances. They stamped his hand like a child at a state fair and gave him a pass for two of the 4 days it was going on, then Patrick was free to wander. While observing his vast surroundings, Patrick felt good about not having to worry about anyone right now. He cleared his mind and sighed. He was no longer Patrick, he was 'Random-Convention-Guy'. He spent the first 6 hours browsing new guitars, basses, drumkits, digital mics, old school equipment, recording setups, headphones, amps, pedals, picks, pick-ups, attachments, wires, software, and alot of useless shit thrown in there as well. After growing tired of a demonstration of some sort, the tired Patrick made his way to a cramped section of old vinyls. He was scarfing down an overpriced hotdog as he thumbed through boxes of ancient music, most people he didn't at all recognise, nor could he place it's genre. He shoved the rest of the hotdog in his mouth and choked it down, absent-mindedly moving to the next box of curious unknown bands.
The only thing he found interesting was a foreign techno-band's vinyl, presented in a horrid neon yellow and pink sleeve. As he went to pull it out of the box and towards him for observation, he noticed that it wouldn't budge. He saw on the other side of the record, a hand. Connected to that hand was an arm, to that arm a body, to that body and face, and to that face, blazing blue eyes and a challenging smirk. Patrick blushed and turned away. He hated making eye contact with complete strangers in public. He hadn't realised the grip he had on the record, and he hadn't realised the look the strange man was getting in his eyes. He was confident looking, and held himself well, without letting the record go, he scratched his chin and began to speak.
"Give it up, boy, this record is as good as mine." He was obviously trying not to laugh at this poor kid fighting to keep a death grip on a crappy unknown techno record.
Patrick looked up at the man again, slowly, and thought the man to be very familiar. But he averted his eyes soon after, and politely digressed. "Well, i mean, rightfully, i got to it first, so rules usually...um," Patrick didn't know what to say to this man. For no good reason, he wasn't giving him his music and thats all that mattered. "Silly rules like that don't apply to me, Boy, give up, fingers off."
But Patrick wouldn't give up. He was surprised by this man's smug confidence that he was actually going to take his property! Patrick was trying to focus on how pissed off he was with this bastard, but his face was throwing him off. "Dude, just...let go, ok? Why are you-?!" The look on Patrick's face was frustration mixed with confusion. The man placed his left hand on his hip and threw his head back in hearty,nerdy laughter, right hand still claiming the neon eye sore. He took a good look at the young man he was struggling with and Patrick took advantage to do the same thing.
The man's eyes were wise, educated, warm and somewhat deviant. They were blue as eyes could get, but not the same as Patrick's. The man's eyes were a deep ocean blue, bottomless and beautiful, deep and wild, whereas Patrick's were steal blue and solid, like the color of clean, calm, shallow water, or that of a new born baby's. He had a scruffy almost-beard and wore a black long-sleeved shirt with the sleeved rolled up. The man's smile only got bigger. It was his eyes that were so familiar. His left one was a bit off...
The very second Patrick gasped with the realisation of who the man was, he lost his grip and it was snatched away in the blink of an eye. The man walked up to a fat, hairy geek in charge of the records and dropped a large bill on the skirted table at least quadruple its worth. He knew that Patrick figured him out. "Look! I got it! i told you," he said in a quiet squeaky voice, more to himself than to the young man bewildered before him. The older man waved him off with the record and walked away with the confidence and well being that could only belong to him.
Patrick's jaw dropped open. "T-Thom Yorke?" Hearing his name, Thom smiled to himself and turned his head slightly to catch a glimpse of the young man's face. Yes priceless of course. He enjoyed that moment, finding it amusing that the young man bore a striking resemblance of his younger self. That was fun, but now Thom had to find something else to do. Walking across the huge building to the other side, he joined a group of people enjoying an old black man play blues on a steel guitar. He became lost in thought, and barely noticed the light tugging in his hand a few minutes later.
It was that boy. He had his grip on the record again. He didn't even bother looking up at Thom this time. "I found you. Give it up, Mr. Yorke," Patrick grumbled, attempting a twist-move to loosen the singer's grip. Thom was both amused by the respectful title and appalled by the way it sounded. Thom turned around and faced the young man, who still had a hand on the record.
"Dear boy! I may be getting on in years, but I am by NO means a Mr. I bet im younger at heart than you," Thom cooed, "And obviously stronger. Are you struggling?"
"No! Im not struggling! Just want my record back!" Patrick said, both hands on the vinyl, pulling.
Thom scoffed. Something about this kid was growing on Thom, and when Patrick's childish blue eyes jolted up and snatched Thom's in a selfish rush accompanied by frustration, Thom's heart fluttered. How adorable was this kid? he thought. Thom was instantly reminded of his Jonny, and his clever way of making Thom give in with poutty faces and tantrums. He recognised Patrick's behavior as a plee for something he didn't know he wanted, but Thom knew all too well. A warm smile occupied Thom's face as he returned the man's look with compromise.
Thom pretended to be annoyed and rolled his eyes. "Look, boy. Why don't you come with me to me room and listen to it first before you continue trying to steal it from me all night. I didn't come here to wrestle with a child."
Patrick darted from insult to shock, his eyes widening as he looked up at Thom with uncertainty. "Go with you?" he said quietly. Patrick may not have given Thom credit for his status during the record-scuffle, but he was giving it to him now. Thom Yorke had just invited him back to his room. Thom yanked the record away again and shoved it under his other arm protectively. He turned and began to walk away. "or fine, don't go, I could care less."
Behind him he heard the young man skip to catch up to him, and excitement boiled in Thom's belly. It has been so long since Thom has played this game, and back then he was the same age as the boys he played it with. When they got outside Thom stood as tall as he could and looked out at concrete and people and was happy to be somewhere where no one knew who he was. He wondered if that boy was still behind him.
"What's your name, boy?" Thom asked, not bothering to turn around.
"Patrick. And Im not a boy..." Patrick felt childish responding to Thom's statement that way.
"Oh yeah? How old are you?" The answer to this question was very important, Thom listened anxiously for what he had hoped to be a legal age.
"Im 22. How old are you, 43?" Patrick asked. Thom felt a great relief that he kept to himself. This boy was more than old enough for Thom. He only looked like a boy. "How did you know my age, Boy?" Thom turned around, playing with his beard. He had no intentions of treating Patrick like an adult, he wasn't one yet. But knowing he was 22, and remembering himself at that age, he shifted his mood from authoritative to inquisitive. Patrick kicked a cigarette butt into a crack in the ground, shy after feeling the look Thom was giving him. "My girlfriend, she loves Radiohead, so your birthday is a private holiday for her. We both went to the In Rainbows concert in '08, the one in Texas. You guys fucking kicked ass. I never felt as euphoric and inhuman as i did at that concert. You alone blew my mind open. You always have."
Thom was flattered by Patrick, blushing even. But he was too curious about the boy's personality to let everything be about himself. "Come. Walk with me, Boy." Thom began to walk towards the sidewalk that led into the city, away from the convention. Patrick caught up side by side with Thom. They both walked at the same pace, so they could walk with eachother easily. Neither of them looked at eachother, but conversation ensued.
"Does it bother you, that im 43?"
"No? Why would your age bother me?"
"Dunno, just asking. You might think im too old to bother with."
"Your Thom Yorke."
"This is true."
"Where are we going?"
"Up the street here. Ive got a room in this swanky hotel I probably didn't need."
"Are you by yourself?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Mh-hm, I needed time to think. I haven't been feeling well. So I came out here to be alone."
"Are you looking for something?"
"Hm...no, well. Maybe. I just don't know this feeling. Thats why I am here."
Thom understood this feeling. It was years ago but he remembered it. Thom knew that what this boy needed, Thom could give him. He even wished he had someone there for him when he was Patrick's age. While they were walking, Thom studied Patrick from the corner of his eye, allowing his feelings for the boy to show to the smallest degree. They were just about the same size, Patrick being about an inch shorter or so, and he liked the mole Patrick had on his left cheeckbone, right below his eye. Patrick eventually noticed and stared back. Then looked ahead, then looked at Thom again, then his face scrunched up and he looked at the sidewalk. Thom wasn't looking away.
"Why are you staring at me?"
Thom shrugged, still looked at Patrick.
"Can't I look at you?"
Patrick had no answer to this. All he knew was that Thom was making him have butterflies in his stomach. "So, Boy, what do you think about me?" Thom suggested, the flirtation in his throat causing his words to hum. Patrick looked confused. "What do you mean?" Thom smiled. They stopped at a crosswalk and waited with a group of people that could care less who they were. "You know. What do you think of me. My looks? My appearance?" Thom was trying not to laugh, because the look on Patrick's face became twisted and shocked. He looked to be suffocating.
"Well. Well...well..." Patrick was looking for words. His face was beet red and he was fidgeting nervously. "Your a...you..."
"Do you think im good looking?" the group started walking so Thom and Patrick followed assuming that it was time to. "Well?" Thom pressed, now playing with the record in his hands to entice the boy.
"Well...you...yes, you are good...looking...i mean i never have thought about it." Patrick was dizzy with embarrassment. Thom Yorke was talking to him. Holy fuck.
"Well, I think your very good looking, Patrick." Patrick stopped in the middle of the street at the sound of his name. That was the first time that Thom called him by name, it sounded very odd. He got the chills. So did Thom. "Your gonna get ran over!" Thom yelled behind him and heard Patrick catch up again. The hotel was a block away, and no more words were exchanged until they were in the elevator to Thom's room.
Patrick cued up and eventually presented his online ticket to one of the several red-faced men herding people through the entrances. They stamped his hand like a child at a state fair and gave him a pass for two of the 4 days it was going on, then Patrick was free to wander. While observing his vast surroundings, Patrick felt good about not having to worry about anyone right now. He cleared his mind and sighed. He was no longer Patrick, he was 'Random-Convention-Guy'. He spent the first 6 hours browsing new guitars, basses, drumkits, digital mics, old school equipment, recording setups, headphones, amps, pedals, picks, pick-ups, attachments, wires, software, and alot of useless shit thrown in there as well. After growing tired of a demonstration of some sort, the tired Patrick made his way to a cramped section of old vinyls. He was scarfing down an overpriced hotdog as he thumbed through boxes of ancient music, most people he didn't at all recognise, nor could he place it's genre. He shoved the rest of the hotdog in his mouth and choked it down, absent-mindedly moving to the next box of curious unknown bands.
The only thing he found interesting was a foreign techno-band's vinyl, presented in a horrid neon yellow and pink sleeve. As he went to pull it out of the box and towards him for observation, he noticed that it wouldn't budge. He saw on the other side of the record, a hand. Connected to that hand was an arm, to that arm a body, to that body and face, and to that face, blazing blue eyes and a challenging smirk. Patrick blushed and turned away. He hated making eye contact with complete strangers in public. He hadn't realised the grip he had on the record, and he hadn't realised the look the strange man was getting in his eyes. He was confident looking, and held himself well, without letting the record go, he scratched his chin and began to speak.
"Give it up, boy, this record is as good as mine." He was obviously trying not to laugh at this poor kid fighting to keep a death grip on a crappy unknown techno record.
Patrick looked up at the man again, slowly, and thought the man to be very familiar. But he averted his eyes soon after, and politely digressed. "Well, i mean, rightfully, i got to it first, so rules usually...um," Patrick didn't know what to say to this man. For no good reason, he wasn't giving him his music and thats all that mattered. "Silly rules like that don't apply to me, Boy, give up, fingers off."
But Patrick wouldn't give up. He was surprised by this man's smug confidence that he was actually going to take his property! Patrick was trying to focus on how pissed off he was with this bastard, but his face was throwing him off. "Dude, just...let go, ok? Why are you-?!" The look on Patrick's face was frustration mixed with confusion. The man placed his left hand on his hip and threw his head back in hearty,nerdy laughter, right hand still claiming the neon eye sore. He took a good look at the young man he was struggling with and Patrick took advantage to do the same thing.
The man's eyes were wise, educated, warm and somewhat deviant. They were blue as eyes could get, but not the same as Patrick's. The man's eyes were a deep ocean blue, bottomless and beautiful, deep and wild, whereas Patrick's were steal blue and solid, like the color of clean, calm, shallow water, or that of a new born baby's. He had a scruffy almost-beard and wore a black long-sleeved shirt with the sleeved rolled up. The man's smile only got bigger. It was his eyes that were so familiar. His left one was a bit off...
The very second Patrick gasped with the realisation of who the man was, he lost his grip and it was snatched away in the blink of an eye. The man walked up to a fat, hairy geek in charge of the records and dropped a large bill on the skirted table at least quadruple its worth. He knew that Patrick figured him out. "Look! I got it! i told you," he said in a quiet squeaky voice, more to himself than to the young man bewildered before him. The older man waved him off with the record and walked away with the confidence and well being that could only belong to him.
Patrick's jaw dropped open. "T-Thom Yorke?" Hearing his name, Thom smiled to himself and turned his head slightly to catch a glimpse of the young man's face. Yes priceless of course. He enjoyed that moment, finding it amusing that the young man bore a striking resemblance of his younger self. That was fun, but now Thom had to find something else to do. Walking across the huge building to the other side, he joined a group of people enjoying an old black man play blues on a steel guitar. He became lost in thought, and barely noticed the light tugging in his hand a few minutes later.
It was that boy. He had his grip on the record again. He didn't even bother looking up at Thom this time. "I found you. Give it up, Mr. Yorke," Patrick grumbled, attempting a twist-move to loosen the singer's grip. Thom was both amused by the respectful title and appalled by the way it sounded. Thom turned around and faced the young man, who still had a hand on the record.
"Dear boy! I may be getting on in years, but I am by NO means a Mr. I bet im younger at heart than you," Thom cooed, "And obviously stronger. Are you struggling?"
"No! Im not struggling! Just want my record back!" Patrick said, both hands on the vinyl, pulling.
Thom scoffed. Something about this kid was growing on Thom, and when Patrick's childish blue eyes jolted up and snatched Thom's in a selfish rush accompanied by frustration, Thom's heart fluttered. How adorable was this kid? he thought. Thom was instantly reminded of his Jonny, and his clever way of making Thom give in with poutty faces and tantrums. He recognised Patrick's behavior as a plee for something he didn't know he wanted, but Thom knew all too well. A warm smile occupied Thom's face as he returned the man's look with comprimise.
Thom pretended to be annoyed and rolled his eyes. "Look, boy. Why don't you come with me to me room and listen to it first before you continue trying to steal it from me all night. I didn't come here to wrestle with a child."
Patrick darted from insult to shock, his eyes widening as he looked up at Thom with uncertainty. "Go with you?" he said quietly. Patrick may not have given Thom credit for his status during the record-scuffle, but he was giving it to him now. Thom Yorke had just invited him back to his room. Thom yanked the record away again and shoved it under his other arm protectively. He turned and began to walk away. "or fine, don't go, I could care less."
Behind him he heard the young man skip to catch up to him, and excitement boiled in Thom's belly. It has been so long since Thom has played this game, and back then he was the same age as the boys he played it with. When they got outside Thom stood as tall as he could and looked out at concrete and people and was happy to be somewhere where no one knew who he was. He wondered if that boy was still behind him.
"What's your name, boy?" Thom asked, not bothering to turn around.
"Patrick. And Im not a boy..." Patrick felt childish responding to Thom's statement that way.
"Oh yeah? How old are you?" The answer to this question was very important, Thom listened anxiously for what he had hoped to be a legal age.
"Im 22. How old are you, 43?" Patrick asked. Thom felt a great relief that he kept to himself. This boy was more than old enough for Thom. He only looked like a boy. "How did you know my age, Boy?" Thom turned around, playing with his beard. He had no intentions of treating Patrick like an adult, he wasn't one yet. But knowing he was 22, and remembering himself at that age, he shifted his mood from authoritive to inquisitive. Patrick kicked a cigerette butt into a crack in the ground, shy after feeling the look Thom was giving him. "My girlfriend, she loves Radiohead, so your birthday is a private holiday for her. We both went to the In Rainbows concert in '08, the one in Texas. You guys fucking kicked ass. I never felt as euphoric and inhuman as i did at that concert. You alone blew my mind open. You always have."
Thom was flattered by Patrick, blushing even. But he was too curious about the boy's personality to let everything be about himself. "Come. Walk with me, Boy." Thom began to walk towards the sidewalk that led into the city, away from the convention. Patrick caught up side by side with Thom. They both walked at the same pace, so they could walk with eachother easily. Neither of them looked at eachother, but conversation insued.
"Does it bother you, that im 43?"
"No? Why would your age bother me?"
"Dunno, just asking. You might think im too old to bother with."
"Your Thom Yorke."
"This is true."
"Where are we going?"
"Up the street here. Ive got a room in this swanky hotel I probably didn't need."
"Are you by yourself?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Mh-hm, I needed time to think. I haven't been feeling well. So I came out here to be alone."
"Are you looking for something?"
"Hm...no, well. Maybe. I just don't know this feeling. Thats why I am here."
Thom understood this feeling. It was years ago but he remembered it. Thom knew that what this boy needed, Thom could give him. He even wished he had someone there for him when he was Patrick's age. While they were walking, Thom studied Patrick from the corner of his eye, allowing his feelings for the boy to show to the smallest degree. They were just about the same size, Patrick being about an inch shorter or so, and he liked the mole Patrick had on his left cheeckbone, right below his eye. Patrick eventually noticed and stared back. Then looked ahead, then looked at Thom again, then his face scrunched up and he looked at the sidewalk. Thom wasn't looking away.
"Why are you staring at me?"
Thom shrugged, still looked at Patrick.
"Can't I look at you?"
Patrick had no answer to this. All he knew was that Thom was making him have butterflies in his stomach. "So, Boy, what do you think about me?" Thom suggested, the flirtation in his throat causing his words to hum. Patrick looked confused. "What do you mean?" Thom smiled. They stopped at a crosswalk and waited with a group of people that could care less who they were. "You know. What do you think of me. My looks? My appearance?" Thom was trying not to laugh, because the look on Patrick's face became twisted and shocked. He looked to be suffocating.
"Well. Well...well..." Patrick was looking for words. His face was beet red and he was fidgeting nervously. "Your a...you..."
"Do you think im good looking?" the group started walking so Thom and Patrick followed assuming that it was time to. "Well?" Thom pressed, now playing with the record in his hands to entice the boy.
"Well...you...yes, you are good...looking...i mean i never have thought about it." Patrick was dizzy with embarrassment. Thom Yorke was talking to him. Holy fuck.
"Well, I think your very good looking, Patrick." Patrick stopped in the middle of the street at the sound of his name. That was the first time that Thom called him by name, it sounded very odd. He got the chills. So did Thom. "Your gonna get ran over!" Thom yelled behind him and heard Patrick catch up again. The hotel was a block away, and no more words were exchanged until they were in the elevator to Thom's room.
The hotel was a block away, and no more words were exchanged until they were in the elevator to Thom's room.
"Are we going to end up in some crazy presidential suite on the top floor?" Patrick asked flatly.
Thom rolled his eyes. "Nooooooooo..."
The elevator stopped with a ding on the second floor from the top. Thom led the way down a large corridor with significantly less rooms on it than the floors below. They reached a room at the end and Thom swiped his card in the door until it finally let them in. Patrick was dumb-founded by the large house-sized room that sprawled out endlessly before him. Granite marble, black appliances, white and cream colors, real gold and crystal, a crazy balcony, even a water fountain was heard in the distance.
"You said you weren't in a crazy presidential suite!" Patrick squeaked, still shocked by the size of the room. Thom looked behind him. "Not in the one on the top floor, I said. I'm in the one bellow it," Thom cut his sentence off with stifled laughter and turned around to walk to the right. Patrick shook his head, trying to remind himself that this was Thom Yorke after all. He could hear Thom talking in from where ever he went to.
"Its not that I ask for these rooms," Thom spoke up, zipping something up and throwing something on the floor, "Its just that when the staff find out who I am, you don't have to stand in the doorway, Boy, poke around a bit I don't mind, when the staff realise im Thom Yorke from Radiohead, they...oh shit...they put me in this type of room...did I brake this thing?" Thom began talking to himself and became distracted by something very clanky.
Patrick decided to go in and walk to the left side, yes there were sides in this damn room. Right infront of Patrick there was a small sitting area with two big, white, leather sitting chairs and a glass coffee table, over looking the city in a yellowish haze of pollution. A blue jean jacket was thrown across one of the chairs, as well as a pair of jeans and a shirt. Patrick tried to imagine why Thom would get naked in that particularly revealing spot or if it was even Thom that did get naked right there. Oh well.
Next he traveled down a dark hall way with no windows and no lights, into a room that was quite small. In the room was a guitar, a piano that probably belonged to the hotel, lots of scattered papers, empty take-away boxes, and another full outfit piled in the floor. Patrick could only conclude that Thom liked to get naked at random times in random places for no particular reason and walked out, only a little disturbed.
Patrick walked down the dark hallway again, noticed a door to his right that he over looked and opened it. It was some kind of sauna, looking to be untouched so far. Thom doesn't like saunas, Patrick concluded from this, and walked away.
Time to go to the right side. When he walked passed the low ceiling-entrance and into the next division, he saw a large, open kitchen, one that would and should be in a mansion but not in a hotel by any means. It seemed out of place and pointless, but dirty pots and pans were scattered about, on the stainless steel electric stove and in the stainless steel sink with gold faucets. There was a glass table across the kitchen with two chairs to it. Plates littered that area and Patrick couldn't help but stack them up a little better, as two were on the edge and close to dropping on the clean, white, marble floor.
"You alright, Boy? Making a lot of noise there," Thom mumbled loudly, making a seperate racket of his own. His voice was coming from down the next hall. Patrick walked through it, encountering another random pile of clothes swept against the wall, and stood in the doorway of the last room in the suite.
It was the bedroom of course. A huge bedroom. Gigantic. The bed alone was bigger than a king-size, probably custom-made for the room. But even the bed looked tiny when placed in such a huge environment. The sheets and blanket were twisted together and some pillows were tossed on the floor It was too white all over the place, but the position of the sun had dimmed the room enough to bare its stark-whiteness.
"Thom?" Patrick spoke out quietly, not wanting to intrude on him. He took a few steps deeper into the huge room and tripped on a pile of clothes. A black shirt and jeans and this time boxers; the outfit that Thom had on today. Was Thom naked? Patrick wondered if he should back out now or keep looking for Thom when he heard a voice from deep within. "You in here, Boy? I thought I heard you." The sound of running water disturbed the calm of the surroundings. "Im...standing by the door," Patrick said and stepped back into the doorway. More noise and clattering and a zip. "You can come in. Your welcome to do whatever you want, just dont run up my bill, its high enough already."
So Patrick walked back in. The only thing he truly wanted to do in here was jump on that bed. It was so big he could help the impulse. "Can I per chance jump on your bed?" There were more sounds of something dropping and Thom swung around a corner by the wall sized window Patrick didn't notice. There must be a bathroom back there. He wasn't wearing a shirt, but thats all Patrick could see. Thom looked very amused by Patrick's question.
"What?!" Thom laughed.
"Well, ive never seen a bed so huge. I wanna jump on it." Patrick blushed. That was a weird thing to ask to do. "No, Im mean go nuts, Boy. I guess I never thought about it. Seems tempting enough." Thom disappeared around the corner again. Patrick did his personalised happy-dance and positioned himself for a proper jump and landing. This sort of thing made Patrick very happy, though he could never find out why; getting to lick cake batter out of the bowl, driving fast, winning a video game,obtaining shiny objects, jumping on hotel beds, things of that sort. Before jumping, Patrick removed his shoes, out of politeness, and his leather jacket, so nothing will damper his speed. He took a few large steps back, aimed, ran as fast as he could and jumped as high as he could.
When he landed on the bed on his back, he bounced high a few times, cool air whooshed up from under him and some of the sheets fluttered up and fell across his legs. Patrick laughed out loud in pure joy, and one would have. All in all it was a very good decision, and the bed was extremely comfortable. The instant he hit, his eyes got heavy, and he closed them. Patrick loved cold sheets, he stretched out and forgot where he was for a few seconds. He would love to have a bed like this, minus the white sheets for several reasons. The sun was going down and the room was getting dark. Patrick wondered what the hell Thom was doing.
Then he noticed Thom standing by the huge window, with a huge grin on his face. Patrick heard the sound of running, Followed by a swish of clothing in mid-air. Finalised by a body landing heavily beside him. Thom had jumped on the bed, too. He was laughing out from the fun of it. Patrick sat up akwardly, not knowing if he should get off the bed or stay where he was. Thom didn't seem to care though, he wasn't even looking at him, he had his eyes closed. After a minute of laying there, Thom let out a delayed "Weeeeeeeee". Then he looked over at Patrick.
"What next?" Thom asked, scratching his beard.
"Huh? I dunno.." Patrick was distracted by what Thom was wearing, a white wifebeater and a pair of baggy trousers. Thom noticed.
"What? Do I look funny?" Thom smiled.
"No, its just that, ive never seen you in clothes like that before."
"Well, you don't show up to photoshoots and interviews in underclothes, Boy." Thom giggled. Patrick felt stupid. Thom closed his eyes again and sighed with his mouth closed. Patrick looked at him closely, ready to divert his eyes at the moment Thom opened his. Patrick liked Thom's face, it was gentle, but harsh at the same time, he didn't have very many lines or wrinkles for his age either. Just a bit of a beard, with bits of grey in it, that gave his age away.
"Stop staring at me." Thom mumbled. Patrick jolted his head away and felt immense embarrassment. "Im just kidding, gah. Chill out, kick back, whatevah," Thom whispered, swinging his arms about like he was conducting an orchestra, before dropping them out to his sides. "Hey!" Patrick remembered. "Weren't we going to listen to that record?"
"Hm?" Thom said in a high pitched, girly tone.
"Thats why im here, right? Where's your record player?"
"Record player?" Thom said this like it was outrageous. "I don't have a record player."
"Then...why am I here?" Patrick asked suspiciously.
"You followed me remember?" Thom smiled, eyes still closed.
"What? No, I didn't-you said! I mean, if you hadn't-" Thom put his hand up and gestured that Patrick was talking too much. Patrick was offended. "What?! Hey! You were the one who-"
"Blah blah blah," Thom whispered, and sat up suddenly. His eyes were glazed over and seemed almost dangerous. Patrick felt uncomfortable. Again.
Thom scratched his eyes with both hands and groaned. The sun was almost completely gone, and Patrick could only see Thom's silhouette. "Sooooooo," Thom breathed heavily, his hands landing in his lap with a mild slap. "Why are you here?"
"What do you mean? Here with you?" Patrick was confused.
"Why did you leave home?"
"Oh, I told you, to get away."
"No, Boy. The real reason."
"I told you, because I didn't feel well."
"Ok, how do you feel now?"
"I-well...ok i guess."
"Why? You know what? You should just start from a point in your life, and tell me about yourself to the present." Thom tucked his legs underneath him and scratched his head the same way Thom is always seen scratching his head. "Why do you always scratch your head?" Patrick didn't mean to say outloud. Thom shrugged and made a look of annoyance. Patrick didn't want to annoy Thom, god forbid. Sighing outloud, not wanting to go into a personal information, Patrick prepared to spill his life to Thom. He started from around high school and work his way up his life, until he got to the present, where he even told Thom about the record and following him and how they are sitting on the bed. "The End." Patrick let himself fall back. Thom fell back, too, legs still tucked under him in an impossible way.
"You talk alot, like how Colin talks. Never even takes a breath," Thom said. Patrick was about to point out that Thom had asked him to talk, but he was more interested in what Thom just said. "Colin Greenwood? Really?" Thom snorted. "Yep, Colin." Patrick nodded. "Wow, Colin Greenwood."
"Yeah wow. Jonny Greenwood," Thom stated for no reason.
"Yeah Jonny," Patrick said, amazed that he was with the man that knew these people.
"And good ol' Ed O'Brien," Thom sighed.
"Wow...Ed."
"And Phil," Thom said matter-of-factly. "Eh," Patrick said. "Yeah, eh," Thom agreed. A few minutes went by with no words, until the room was completely dark. Patrick turned his head to see Thom but saw nothing. "Gonna turn a light on?" Patrick asked. "Nah," Thom answered. He reached down and all out scratched his balls. "Gross!" Patrick laughed, sitting up and hopping off the bed. Thom laughed a lazily laugh and kept scratching. "Im sorry, but I have to," Thom sang out in the dark. "Dude I know thats not scratching!" Patrick spoke up after a minute. Guilty laughter from the bed. "Cut it out!" Patrick yelled, feeling grossed out but intrigued that he was doing that when he was there.
"Number one: you are in my room. Number two: You can't see so it doesn't matter. Number three: Its not like im wanking it, im just fiddling with my junk." Patrick's reaction was priceless, throwing his head around and screaming like a woman. Thom laughed out loud and swung his legs over the bed, indulging in an involuntary stretch. "So your here to find yourself, Patrick?" Thom asked seriously. Patrick flinched, but agreed. "Yeah...yeah I guess so."
Thom got up and clicked on a very yellow, dim lamp, a white lamp of course. Thom then crawled across the bed, and sat over the edge and hung his legs on either side of Patricks, who was standing there rather awkwardly. He want to take a step back because their legs were touching. Thom was leaning forward and looking at Patrick's stomach, only inches away. Patrick couldn't breath right, he could hear his heart beating in his ears. He really wanted to move but he couldn't. He was standing between the legs of Thom Yorke, dammit. No one walks away from that. When Thom looked up at Patrick with glazed, serious eyes, Patrick stopped breathing, and thinking. His heart stopped, too.
"Alright, listen, Boy." Patrick listened.
"Im gonna show you why I brought you here, yeah?" Patrick nodded.
"And your going to be still and let me, ok?" More nodding.
"If you don't like what im doing then tell me to stop." Patrick swallowed hard.
"Ok..." Thom whispered, and, placing a comforting hand on Patrick's hip, he pushed himself as close to Patrick as he could get. Patrick wished that Thom had left the light off.
Patrick wasn't feeling well. His life was fine, he had enough money, his job was okay, and his was healthier than ever. But he just didn't feel well. After talking to his girlfriend about it, she suggested he go away for a few days and be by himself to think. He adored his wife for giving him so much freedom and allowing him to find and be himself without heartache or dissatisfaction. After spending a few days with her, he was on his way from a last minute decision to go on a 200 mile drive to a music convention. After driving for two days, sleeping one night in an icky motel, one in his cramped car, and eating Snickers and Dr. Pepper for breakfast, he was finally there at the huge eye-sore of a collosium style building not worth remembering the name of.
Patrick cued up and eventually presented his online ticket to one of the several red-faced men herding people through the entrances. They stamped his hand like a child at a state fair and gave him a pass for two of the 4 days it was going on, then Patrick was free to wander. While observing his vast surroundings, Patrick felt good about not having to worry about anyone right now. He cleared his mind and sighed. He was no longer Patrick, he was 'Random-Convention-Guy'. He spent the first 6 hours browsing new guitars, basses, drumkits, digital mics, old school equipment, recording setups, headphones, amps, pedals, picks, pick-ups, attachments, wires, software, and alot of useless shit thrown in there as well. After growing tired of a demonstration of some sort, the tired Patrick made his way to a cramped section of old vinyls. He was scarfing down an overpriced hotdog as he thumbed through boxes of ancient music, most people he didn't at all recognise, nor could he place it's genre. He shoved the rest of the hotdog in his mouth and choked it down, absent-mindedly moving to the next box of curious unknown bands.
The only thing he found interesting was a foreign techno-band's vinyl, presented in a horrid neon yellow and pink sleeve. As he went to pull it out of the box and towards him for observation, he noticed that it wouldn't budge. He saw on the other side of the record, a hand. Connected to that hand was an arm, to that arm a body, to that body and face, and to that face, blazing blue eyes and a challenging smirk. Patrick blushed and turned away. He hated making eye contact with complete strangers in public. He hadn't realised the grip he had on the record, and he hadn't realised the look the strange man was getting in his eyes. He was confident looking, and held himself well, without letting the record go, he scratched his chin and began to speak.
"Give it up, boy, this record is as good as mine." He was obviously trying not to laugh at this poor kid fighting to keep a death grip on a crappy unknown techno record.
Patrick looked up at the man again, slowly, and thought the man to be very familiar. But he averted his eyes soon after, and politely digressed. "Well, i mean, rightfully, i got to it first, so rules usually...um," Patrick didn't know what to say to this man. For no good reason, he wasn't giving him his music and thats all that mattered. "Silly rules like that don't apply to me, Boy, give up, fingers off."
But Patrick wouldn't give up. He was surprised by this man's smug confidence that he was actually going to take his property! Patrick was trying to focus on how pissed off he was with this bastard, but his face was throwing him off. "Dude, just...let go, ok? Why are you-?!" The look on Patrick's face was frustration mixed with confusion. The man placed his left hand on his hip and threw his head back in hearty,nerdy laughter, right hand still claiming the neon eye sore. He took a good look at the young man he was struggling with and Patrick took advantage to do the same thing.
The man's eyes were wise, educated, warm and somewhat deviant. They were blue as eyes could get, but not the same as Patrick's. The man's eyes were a deep ocean blue, bottomless and beautiful, deep and wild, whereas Patrick's were steal blue and solid, like the color of clean, calm, shallow water, or that of a new born baby's. He had a scruffy almost-beard and wore a black long-sleeved shirt with the sleeved rolled up. The man's smile only got bigger. It was his eyes that were so familiar. His left one was a bit off...
The very second Patrick gasped with the realisation of who the man was, he lost his grip and it was snatched away in the blink of an eye. The man walked up to a fat, hairy geek in charge of the records and dropped a large bill on the skirted table at least quadruple its worth. He knew that Patrick figured him out. "Look! I got it! i told you," he said in a quiet squeaky voice, more to himself than to the young man bewildered before him. The older man waved him off with the record and walked away with the confidence and well being that could only belong to him.
Patrick's jaw dropped open. "T-Thom Yorke?" Hearing his name, Thom smiled to himself and turned his head slightly to catch a glimpse of the young man's face. Yes priceless of course. He enjoyed that moment, finding it amusing that the young man bore a striking resemblance of his younger self. That was fun, but now Thom had to find something else to do. Walking across the huge building to the other side, he joined a group of people enjoying an old black man play blues on a steel guitar. He became lost in thought, and barely noticed the light tugging in his hand a few minutes later.
It was that boy. He had his grip on the record again. He didn't even bother looking up at Thom this time. "I found you. Give it up, Mr. Yorke," Patrick grumbled, attempting a twist-move to loosen the singer's grip. Thom was both amused by the respectful title and appalled by the way it sounded. Thom turned around and faced the young man, who still had a hand on the record.
"Dear boy! I may be getting on in years, but I am by NO means a Mr. I bet im younger at heart than you," Thom cooed, "And obviously stronger. Are you struggling?"
"No! Im not struggling! Just want my record back!" Patrick said, both hands on the vinyl, pulling.
Thom scoffed. Something about this kid was growing on Thom, and when Patrick's childish blue eyes jolted up and snatched Thom's in a selfish rush accompanied by frustration, Thom's heart fluttered. How adorable was this kid? he thought. Thom was instantly reminded of his Jonny, and his clever way of making Thom give in with poutty faces and tantrums. He recognised Patrick's behavior as a plee for something he didn't know he wanted, but Thom knew all too well. A warm smile occupied Thom's face as he returned the man's look with compromise.
Thom pretended to be annoyed and rolled his eyes. "Look, boy. Why don't you come with me to me room and listen to it first before you continue trying to steal it from me all night. I didn't come here to wrestle with a child."
Patrick darted from insult to shock, his eyes widening as he looked up at Thom with uncertainty. "Go with you?" he said quietly. Patrick may not have given Thom credit for his status during the record-scuffle, but he was giving it to him now. Thom Yorke had just invited him back to his room. Thom yanked the record away again and shoved it under his other arm protectively. He turned and began to walk away. "or fine, don't go, I could care less."
Behind him he heard the young man skip to catch up to him, and excitement boiled in Thom's belly. It has been so long since Thom has played this game, and back then he was the same age as the boys he played it with. When they got outside Thom stood as tall as he could and looked out at concrete and people and was happy to be somewhere where no one knew who he was. He wondered if that boy was still behind him.
"What's your name, boy?" Thom asked, not bothering to turn around.
"Patrick. And Im not a boy..." Patrick felt childish responding to Thom's statement that way.
"Oh yeah? How old are you?" The answer to this question was very important, Thom listened anxiously for what he had hoped to be a legal age.
"Im 22. How old are you, 43?" Patrick asked. Thom felt a great relief that he kept to himself. This boy was more than old enough for Thom. He only looked like a boy. "How did you know my age, Boy?" Thom turned around, playing with his beard. He had no intentions of treating Patrick like an adult, he wasn't one yet. But knowing he was 22, and remembering himself at that age, he shifted his mood from authoritative to inquisitive. Patrick kicked a cigarette butt into a crack in the ground, shy after feeling the look Thom was giving him. "My girlfriend, she loves Radiohead, so your birthday is a private holiday for her. We both went to the In Rainbows concert in '08, the one in Texas. You guys fucking kicked ass. I never felt as euphoric and inhuman as i did at that concert. You alone blew my mind open. You always have."
Thom was flattered by Patrick, blushing even. But he was too curious about the boy's personality to let everything be about himself. "Come. Walk with me, Boy." Thom began to walk towards the sidewalk that led into the city, away from the convention. Patrick caught up side by side with Thom. They both walked at the same pace, so they could walk with eachother easily. Neither of them looked at eachother, but conversation ensued.
"Does it bother you, that im 43?"
"No? Why would your age bother me?"
"Dunno, just asking. You might think im too old to bother with."
"Your Thom Yorke."
"This is true."
"Where are we going?"
"Up the street here. Ive got a room in this swanky hotel I probably didn't need."
"Are you by yourself?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Mh-hm, I needed time to think. I haven't been feeling well. So I came out here to be alone."
"Are you looking for something?"
"Hm...no, well. Maybe. I just don't know this feeling. Thats why I am here."
Thom understood this feeling. It was years ago but he remembered it. Thom knew that what this boy needed, Thom could give him. He even wished he had someone there for him when he was Patrick's age. While they were walking, Thom studied Patrick from the corner of his eye, allowing his feelings for the boy to show to the smallest degree. They were just about the same size, Patrick being about an inch shorter or so, and he liked the mole Patrick had on his left cheeckbone, right below his eye. Patrick eventually noticed and stared back. Then looked ahead, then looked at Thom again, then his face scrunched up and he looked at the sidewalk. Thom wasn't looking away.
"Why are you staring at me?"
Thom shrugged, still looked at Patrick.
"Can't I look at you?"
Patrick had no answer to this. All he knew was that Thom was making him have butterflies in his stomach. "So, Boy, what do you think about me?" Thom suggested, the flirtation in his throat causing his words to hum. Patrick looked confused. "What do you mean?" Thom smiled. They stopped at a crosswalk and waited with a group of people that could care less who they were. "You know. What do you think of me. My looks? My appearance?" Thom was trying not to laugh, because the look on Patrick's face became twisted and shocked. He looked to be suffocating.
"Well. Well...well..." Patrick was looking for words. His face was beet red and he was fidgeting nervously. "Your a...you..."
"Do you think im good looking?" the group started walking so Thom and Patrick followed assuming that it was time to. "Well?" Thom pressed, now playing with the record in his hands to entice the boy.
"Well...you...yes, you are good...looking...i mean i never have thought about it." Patrick was dizzy with embarrassment. Thom Yorke was talking to him. Holy fuck.
"Well, I think your very good looking, Patrick." Patrick stopped in the middle of the street at the sound of his name. That was the first time that Thom called him by name, it sounded very odd. He got the chills. So did Thom. "Your gonna get ran over!" Thom yelled behind him and heard Patrick catch up again. The hotel was a block away, and no more words were exchanged until they were in the elevator to Thom's room.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
An old, bad, unfinished one put in here for memory's sake
Yesterday, Thom was walking to Oxfam to see if Hildur was there as she usually was, volunteering. There on the way he met LIZ who was eating chocolate and thinking about spleens
" Hi" Thom said,
" I was just on my way to see Hildur"
You know what, me too!" said LIZ, so they went to Oxfam together.
-------
"Could you walk a little faster, Elizabeth?" Thom says as he walks across the street, without even looking to his sides to notice the green Toyota on his left. He's wearing poop brown leather loafers.
"My name is LIZ!" she snaps at him just before she notices the small vehicle driving in Thom's direction.
"WATCH OUT"
"Huh!" Thom does exactly what he shouldn't have done. He stops in his steps and looks at Liz with a baffled face.
The car is just a few meters away. It looks like Thom is doomed to be mutilated by the small Toyota when a creature appears from behind a large bush. This must have been someone stalking Thom.
-------
Thom was thrown to the ground by the creature just in time
"JULIAN!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??????!!!!!!!!!!"
"You were.......the car................."
"Fucking hell," said Thom and laughed it off
"I'd better get to Oxfam though, I don't want to miss Hildur. Coming julian?"
"Sure, but remember, I'm gay"
"Yes Julian, we know. Just cause you saved my life doesn't mean you can be annoying"
"Sorry anyway, if Beck's mum's there don't tell her about my homosexual practices"
"Sure, whatever."
LIZ had stopped to examine a daisy on the floor
"Thom, this daisy looks like a spleen"
"No it doesn't LIZ it's .........hang on........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
----------
"IT IS A SPLEEN!" Thom yells and starts running frantically in circles, banging his head with his hands.
"Are you sure you worked in the psycho house, Thom?"
Thom doesn't hear Liz's sarcastic comment because then he started singing to himself in strange tounges.
"You know how much he hates meat, Liz. Oh, and that's not a spleen, it's a kidney" Julian says while ripping the stick of Liz that she had just grabbed to poke the organ.
"That's mine!! Oh... it's not a spleen? How disappointing. I don't want to stay here anymore. Let's go!"
Liz pulls on Thom's shirtsleeve. "C'mon loon"
Thom stops and looks at Liz and then Julian while drying the sweat off his forehead.
"Fuck off!! Come along then. I don't want you dragging me down"
He keeps on walking and Liz follows. Julian's still standing there, looking at the kidney.
"I'll catch up with you guys in a minute" he says just before he pulls a traveler's surgery kit out of his pocket.
" Hi" Thom said,
" I was just on my way to see Hildur"
You know what, me too!" said LIZ, so they went to Oxfam together.
-------
"Could you walk a little faster, Elizabeth?" Thom says as he walks across the street, without even looking to his sides to notice the green Toyota on his left. He's wearing poop brown leather loafers.
"My name is LIZ!" she snaps at him just before she notices the small vehicle driving in Thom's direction.
"WATCH OUT"
"Huh!" Thom does exactly what he shouldn't have done. He stops in his steps and looks at Liz with a baffled face.
The car is just a few meters away. It looks like Thom is doomed to be mutilated by the small Toyota when a creature appears from behind a large bush. This must have been someone stalking Thom.
-------
Thom was thrown to the ground by the creature just in time
"JULIAN!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING??????!!!!!!!!!!"
"You were.......the car................."
"Fucking hell," said Thom and laughed it off
"I'd better get to Oxfam though, I don't want to miss Hildur. Coming julian?"
"Sure, but remember, I'm gay"
"Yes Julian, we know. Just cause you saved my life doesn't mean you can be annoying"
"Sorry anyway, if Beck's mum's there don't tell her about my homosexual practices"
"Sure, whatever."
LIZ had stopped to examine a daisy on the floor
"Thom, this daisy looks like a spleen"
"No it doesn't LIZ it's .........hang on........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
----------
"IT IS A SPLEEN!" Thom yells and starts running frantically in circles, banging his head with his hands.
"Are you sure you worked in the psycho house, Thom?"
Thom doesn't hear Liz's sarcastic comment because then he started singing to himself in strange tounges.
"You know how much he hates meat, Liz. Oh, and that's not a spleen, it's a kidney" Julian says while ripping the stick of Liz that she had just grabbed to poke the organ.
"That's mine!! Oh... it's not a spleen? How disappointing. I don't want to stay here anymore. Let's go!"
Liz pulls on Thom's shirtsleeve. "C'mon loon"
Thom stops and looks at Liz and then Julian while drying the sweat off his forehead.
"Fuck off!! Come along then. I don't want you dragging me down"
He keeps on walking and Liz follows. Julian's still standing there, looking at the kidney.
"I'll catch up with you guys in a minute" he says just before he pulls a traveler's surgery kit out of his pocket.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
These people are just weird anyway
Hey Jon, who is that crazy girl who has me with a tambourine as an avatar?"
"It's that girl called Hildur, she is from Iceland and really nice, if you want to know...," Jonny called out of the bathroom.
"Mmhhhh... I'll check her personal photo..."
"Well... I could tell you what she looks like..."
"Nah, shut up. I wanna see myself!" Colin finally found the picture of Hildur. "Damn, she looks nice. She is just like my type."
"Coz. You are married." Jonny rolled his eyes and entered the room.
"I know, but still... Even Molly would like her..."
"So what are you going to do now?" Jonny asked with raised eyebrows.
"Erm... I don't know yet..."
"Come on, Cozzie. Just get off atease. These people are just weird anyway."
"What? What are you saying?! They are brilliant." Colin scrolled down the page excitedly. "Look, I even have a well-vistited thread in classics. It is called..."
"I know what it's called," Jonny interrupted him impatiently. "Now just go... Please."
"No. Maybe in a couple of minutes."
A few hours later
"Will you get off now, Colin?" Jonny asked, having returned from shopping with a bag in each of his hands.
"Nah, just wait... I have to check your thread before I go..."
"You could have done that so much earlier."
"No... First I had to read all of my thread. And then Thom's, of course."
"Thom's?"
"Well, his threads..."
"Hey, Colin... What is that picture... Have you... No, you have actually PRINTED out a picture of Hildur?"
"Er... Yeah. What's wrong with that?" Colin asked and blushed.
"Colin. You are married and have two kids!"
"That's no good reason," Colin mumbled.
"Erm, well. Never mind..."
"Awesome! There is another thread of me in main."
"Colin, please stop."
"Damn, that Hildur must like me a lot. She even animates people to draw pictures of me with tambourines. That girl has taste." Colin nodded to assure himself.
"But Colin..."
"Come on. If that was all about you..."
"What?! Is there something about me?!" Jonny grabbed the chair from Colin. In consequence, Colin fell onto the floor.
"Ouch, Jon!"
"Oh My God! You haven't told me that so many people are obsessed with me!"
"But I thought you have already been browsing the forum?"
"Er... I think I missed out on some things..."
"Yeah, sure. Now give me the chair back, please."
"Nooooo... Here, you can go with that pic and leave." Jonny threw the pic of Hildur at his brother.
"OK. Fine. I am leaving!" Colin ran out of the room. Seconds later, Jonny could hear the front door close.
On the street outside, Colin was wondering what to do. He wanted to do something really stupid, but he wasn't too sure what to do until his glance fell on the picture in his hand.
"Oh yeah, I know what I am going to do now," he muttered.
Meanwhile, Jonny was reading through all the threads dedicated to him. Actually it was just "Jonny Is The Sex" because it was enough already. He got scared of some girls planning to kidnap him. He read through all their posts and decided to ask his brother for extra protection, but then he realized that Colin had left only half an hour ago. So he decided to call Thom.
Colin was walking down the street, looking for a travel agency. He had decided to visit Hildur. But he didn't get very far. Just when he had found what he had been looking for, someone came up to him from behind and blindfolded him. Colin was so shocked that he couldn't make a sound. He tried to struggle, but as he couldn't see where the person or... the people were he just had to wave his arms helplessly. But he couldn't even do that any longer, as he was also tied around the wrists and his ankles.
"Hey...," he muttered.
"Shhhh... Everything's alright. Noone's going to hurt you," a voice whispered into his ear.
Unable to do anything, Colin felt himself being dragged along the floor.
"It's that girl called Hildur, she is from Iceland and really nice, if you want to know...," Jonny called out of the bathroom.
"Mmhhhh... I'll check her personal photo..."
"Well... I could tell you what she looks like..."
"Nah, shut up. I wanna see myself!" Colin finally found the picture of Hildur. "Damn, she looks nice. She is just like my type."
"Coz. You are married." Jonny rolled his eyes and entered the room.
"I know, but still... Even Molly would like her..."
"So what are you going to do now?" Jonny asked with raised eyebrows.
"Erm... I don't know yet..."
"Come on, Cozzie. Just get off atease. These people are just weird anyway."
"What? What are you saying?! They are brilliant." Colin scrolled down the page excitedly. "Look, I even have a well-vistited thread in classics. It is called..."
"I know what it's called," Jonny interrupted him impatiently. "Now just go... Please."
"No. Maybe in a couple of minutes."
A few hours later
"Will you get off now, Colin?" Jonny asked, having returned from shopping with a bag in each of his hands.
"Nah, just wait... I have to check your thread before I go..."
"You could have done that so much earlier."
"No... First I had to read all of my thread. And then Thom's, of course."
"Thom's?"
"Well, his threads..."
"Hey, Colin... What is that picture... Have you... No, you have actually PRINTED out a picture of Hildur?"
"Er... Yeah. What's wrong with that?" Colin asked and blushed.
"Colin. You are married and have two kids!"
"That's no good reason," Colin mumbled.
"Erm, well. Never mind..."
"Awesome! There is another thread of me in main."
"Colin, please stop."
"Damn, that Hildur must like me a lot. She even animates people to draw pictures of me with tambourines. That girl has taste." Colin nodded to assure himself.
"But Colin..."
"Come on. If that was all about you..."
"What?! Is there something about me?!" Jonny grabbed the chair from Colin. In consequence, Colin fell onto the floor.
"Ouch, Jon!"
"Oh My God! You haven't told me that so many people are obsessed with me!"
"But I thought you have already been browsing the forum?"
"Er... I think I missed out on some things..."
"Yeah, sure. Now give me the chair back, please."
"Nooooo... Here, you can go with that pic and leave." Jonny threw the pic of Hildur at his brother.
"OK. Fine. I am leaving!" Colin ran out of the room. Seconds later, Jonny could hear the front door close.
On the street outside, Colin was wondering what to do. He wanted to do something really stupid, but he wasn't too sure what to do until his glance fell on the picture in his hand.
"Oh yeah, I know what I am going to do now," he muttered.
Meanwhile, Jonny was reading through all the threads dedicated to him. Actually it was just "Jonny Is The Sex" because it was enough already. He got scared of some girls planning to kidnap him. He read through all their posts and decided to ask his brother for extra protection, but then he realized that Colin had left only half an hour ago. So he decided to call Thom.
Colin was walking down the street, looking for a travel agency. He had decided to visit Hildur. But he didn't get very far. Just when he had found what he had been looking for, someone came up to him from behind and blindfolded him. Colin was so shocked that he couldn't make a sound. He tried to struggle, but as he couldn't see where the person or... the people were he just had to wave his arms helplessly. But he couldn't even do that any longer, as he was also tied around the wrists and his ankles.
"Hey...," he muttered.
"Shhhh... Everything's alright. Noone's going to hurt you," a voice whispered into his ear.
Unable to do anything, Colin felt himself being dragged along the floor.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Abducting Radiohead ep. 3 aka. Colin's 37th birthday pt. 1
Hildur and Janeen are standing in the kitchen. Jonny and Colin have been missing in action for the last hour or so.
Hildur stares out the window "Did Jonny and Colin run away or something? I haven't seen them in a while"
She turns to janeen "do you know where they are?"
Janeen taps her fingers on table "Jonny was in the backyard a second ago picking dandelions"
Hildur stares blankly at janeen "since when do we have dandelions?"
"I told him he could pick them since there’s a surplus this year"
Hildur thinks of Jonny plucking flowers in the backyard "Awww he was probably picking them for his mama"
Janeen smirks "or Cozzie"
Hildur adds "or a crush..."
They both look at each other “Yeah Cozzie"
They look out the door to see Jonathan laying in the lawn and his pants are all grass stained
Hildur bends down to talk to him " Jonny what are you doing out here? Do you know where Cozzie is?"
Jonny picks a dandelion thoughtfully from the grass" I know dandelions aren't Cozzie's favourite flowers but I'm picking dandelions and giving them to Cozzie"
Hildur smiles " that's nice, Jonny"
"I only like the brown ones because when they open and the flowers come out the bees come too and I don't like the bees"
"Yeah, that's nice, Jonny. Where's Cozzie?"
Jonny continues to ramble about bees
"One time the bee hurt me and my mom had to take care of me"
"If I get hurt Cozzie will have to take care of me"
"Is Cozzie missing is that why you're asking me? "
Hildur looks back at Jonny slightly annoyed "Well I don't know where he is, Jonathan"
Jonny jumps up and screams "HIDE AND GO SEEEEK!!!!"
Jonny runs into the house yelling "COZZIE, COZZIE, COZZIE... ONE TWO THREE..."
Cozzie walks out of the bathroom
Coz looks at Jonny sort of surprised " sorry just using the bathroom"
Jonny runs into the bathroom
"COZZIE IT'S POINTY!!"
Colin turns around "What?"
Jonny yells " YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH!"
"FOR CHRISTS SAKE FLUSH FOR ME, JONNY"
A flushing noise is heard
Janeen laughs
Muffled through the floor Thom says "Ha, Coz could never remember to flush the toilet"
Once again through the muffled floor Thom yells "EW! SICK! THERES A LEAK. ITS DRIPPING ALL OVER ME AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Jonny walks out of the bathroom and stops in front of Hildur and Janeen
He says casually " Cozzie had corn last night"
Janeen stares at Hildur
Hildur says coolly "That's nice, Jonny."
Jonny turns away " I want to be a scientist"
He picks up his tele
Janeen looks confused at him "Jonny do you know what a scientist is?"
Jonny sits down cross legged on the floor " Yes... That singer in Guided by Voices sung that song "I am a scientist"
"and he understood very well"
"and played his guitar"
Janeen smiles and pats Jonny on the head "Yes you will be a very good scientist"
Jonny smiles and stares up at Janeen and Hildur with his huge eyes
Coz walks into the room with his hands stuffed in his pockets
Jonny stands up "Oh, coz I got you these"
He pulls a bunch of dandelions out of his pockets
Jonny looks hopefully at Coz "Do you like them? I know they're not your favourite"
Cozzie smiles " I like them a lot, Jonny"
Colin puts one of the flowers in his jacket pocket so it sticks out all weedy
Jonny smiles and gives coz a hug
The flower gets a bit flattened
"Thank you for the flowers, Jonny. I have to go now and practise my tambourine playing"
Hildur looks to Coz "But we were going to go out to eat tonight, remember?"
Colin is upset by the possibility of him not getting in his full tambourine practise " uh... no"
"Yes, we have your late birthday dinner"
"We have a reservation at a four star place"
Colin raises an eyebrow
He asks " and jonny's coming with?"
Hildur stares at Colin "Yes of course"
Colin seems amused "Apparently you've never taken Jonny out to eat, have you?"
Jonny looks up by the mentioning of his name "Yay! I like going out to eat!"
Janeen smirks "What does he need a bib or something?"
Colin looks to us "Can't Thom watch over him?"
Hildur smiles "Oh, Thom's is coming with"
Muffled cheering can be heard from the basement
Janeen mumbles "We'll have to dry him off and get him a bath first though"
Hildur says to janeen "Oh, yeah... that's something we have to do"
Colin looks pleased "Okay you do that now. I can practise playing my tambourines while you're at it"
While Colin's walking away he says "Very important for me"
After Colin's gone Jonny asks suddenly "Can I take a bath with Thom?"
Janeen looks surprised by his question "Jonny uh we're probably going to have to hand wash Thom for he's rather disagreeable"
And then she adds "You don't want us seeing you nakey do you?"
Jonny blushes “I....."
And then unfortunately changes his mind "I want to help clean Thom"
Hildur and janeen both smile
"Okay let's go get Thom from the basement"
Janeen hits the lights before they go down the stairs to get Thom
Thom yells "AAAAAH IT BURNS MY EYES"
"Sweet, sweet light!"
Hildur unhinges his chains "Shut up, Thom"
Thom sings as the girls unchain him
Jonny stands at the top of the stairs, afraid to come down
Jonny calls down the stairs " are you comiiing? I... I don't want to be alone"
Janeen yells back "We'll be right there, Jonny. Just wait outside. You wouldn't like it down here"
Weakly Jonny calls "Can I have a cookie?"
Hildur yells "There are no left. We're not letting you have any cookies until Saturday"
"We're going to a restaurant tonight"
"Then you'll be getting nice things to eat"
Hildur and Janeen drag Thom up the stairs
Janeen looks at Thom "Come on, Thomas. Bath time"
Thom’s eyes widen and he yells frantically " WHAT WHY?!"
Janeen laughs "You've been in the dungeon for days and the toilets been dripping on you"
Thom stares at the floor " oh, bugger"
He looks back up at us with his hands clasped like a beggar "Can't I just bathe myself?"
Hildur stares at Thom unmoved "No, you'd just end up listening to Linkin Park and cutting yourself with shattered glass. I saw you the other day, you know"
Thom looks away " ... I just like Linkin Park, that's all"
They all move into the bathroom
Janeen looks at Thom "and Jonny’s going to help"
Jonny walks in "Hi, Thom!"
Jonny goes over and immediately starts undressing Thom
Jonny unbuckles Thom's belt
Thom's sweat leaks down his forehead
Hildur sits in the bathtub to watch. Janeen sits up on the sink edge
Jonny pulls Thoms belt out of the loops and places it on the sink counter
Jonny stares at him "Thom you smell weird"
Thom adds a distracted "yeah"
Thom starts to whistle
Without removing her eyes janeen says like a zombie "Hildur, run the water"
Hildur turns the knob for the water not looking away from Thom and Jonny or stepping out of the tub
Hildur says quietly " Jonny, take Thom's underwear off"
Thom interrupts "WAIT let me take my shirt and socks off first"
He does this
Then Jonny gets down on his knees slowly
Jonny looks at janeen like he's asking her what he should really do
She looks back " go ahead"
Hildur drools into the bathtub
Jonny puts his index fingers inside Thom's underwear
Thom gulps
He slowly pulls it down
Hildur leans closer, now completely soaked.
Janeen sits mouth agape
Hildur stares "Now lean forward and..." she stops abruptly
"Eh... "
Hildur steps out of the bathtub
There are a few moments of silence
Thom looks around annoyed "Bloody hell! What’s wrong with you? Never seen a penis before?
Then he jumps in the tub
Janeen looks to Jonny "Haha! Jonny go get the washcloths"
Jonny says proudly " I've seen Thom's penis lots of times"
Thom looks at us nervously "Haha that Jonny… He doesn't know what he’s talking about…"
Jonny interjects "No, Thom. Remember that time! At the hotel! On the first tour in France! You and Colin had bathrobes and I couldn't find mine"
Hildur looks interested "What happened next?"
Thom scowls at Jonny "Just get the bloody washcloths"
Jonny continues "Thom gave me his and he..."
He looks at Thom quickly, hesitates, and then leaves to get the washcloths
Thom gives a sigh of relief
Thom looks around "So... upstairs is nice"
"Can I stay here?" Then he quickly looks away.
Hildur remarks "But Fraulein Helga loves you"
Thom lightens up "Does she?"
Jonny comes back with an arm full of washcloths.
Jonny looks to Thom questioningly "Thom do you want us to use the yellow ones or the pink ones?"
Thom says roughly "Just give me one"
Hildur looks to Jonny "Oh, and hand one to me and janeen, please"
Thom grabs a washcloth from Jonny's hand "I can do this myself..."
Hildur places a wash cloth on Thom's head "Just do what we say and you might get a dessert tonight"
Janeen adds "Thom go under to get your hair wet so we can shampoo it"
Thom takes a deep breath and goes underwater
He stays there for an awfully long time
He stays
Everything’s silent
And he stays...
Jonny breaks the silence “He’s not going to drown is he?”
He stares at Janeen, Hildur and then the bathtub “OH NO!”
Hildur mumbles “I think it's just his yoga lungs”
She pokes him with a hairbrush handle
Thom sits up
Jonny gives out a relieved “phew”
Hildur picks up a strawberry scented shampoo bottle
“Can I have the coconut one?” Thom casually asks and points towards a coconut shampoo bottle that’s lying up on a shelf.
“Sure...”
Hildur reaches to pick up the coconut shampoo bottle and then squirts some shampoo in her hand.
“That looks just like the stains on your pants in the Australian tour” Jonny says
“HAHAHA, JONNY!” Janeen bursts
Thom just shakes his head “Jonny… enough talk about touring”
Jonny apologises, squirts some shampoo in his hand and works it through Thom’s hair.
“Thom you've got a lot of knots”
“It's all the shit that's been leaking on me”
Hildur slaps Thom’s shoulder “Don't swear in front of Jonathan”
“I can say SHIT because there was SHIT fucking leaking on my FUCKING HAIR”
Jonny panics and puts soap in Thom's eyes before he says more curse words.
Thom squirms in the tub “Jonny! What the hell man?”
He dunks his head underwater
Jonny pouts “I'm sorry, Thom”
Hildur picks up the showerhead “Okay Thom it's time to hose you”
A jingling can be heard in the background
Hildur get confused whether to go watch Colin play or keep starting at Thom's naked body.
Jonny looks at her “I like it too when Cozzie plays tambourine”
Jonny and Hildur’s gazes meet and they feel like they understand each other completely at this one little moment.
Janeen runs to the doorway “Hey, Colin come here for a second”
Colin walks in with a tambourine on his head and 2 in his hands
“yes?”
Colin nods to Thom
“Thom”
Thom nods back
“Hey…Coz”
“I see you're naked...again”
Thom giggles ”JONNY undressed ME this time. Think about that”
Colin looks at the two girls as if to see their reactions.
Then he looks back at Thom
“Ha, uh, so Thom I made this new beat on tambourine. I was wondering if we could use it in a song”
Hildur takes a washcloth off Thom and puts it on her chin to dry the drool.
“I'm so glad you listened to my advice, Coz, and started playing tambourines.”
“I had been planning this for year now” Colin replies
“I really liked that movie Hunchback in Notre Dame... that Esmeralda girl could really work her tambourine”
Hildur stares confused at the tambourine man
“Colin have you been drinking the red in the fridge?”
“What can I say, I like red...”
“You mean green?” Jonny interrupts, smiling proudly
Colin ignores Jonny’s words
“Anyway, Thom, check this out. I have some lyrics too”
Colin starts shaking his tambourine and doing a very elaborate dance
“One nighttttttt I was all alone “
He shake, shake, shakes the tambourines.
“…and there was a tambourine in the corner”
He bends down and shakes the tambourines some more
“…and I shook the tambourine!
He starts shaking rapidly and dancing in circles.
“SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE”
He gets down on his knees
“TAMBOURINE QUEEN!!”
He stops and gets up, dusting his trousers “Eh? Eh? You like?
Jonny claps and laughs
“I like it but don't you think it's too similar to what beck is doing?” Thom suggests
Then he continues “Let me sing my song for you all… it's a new sonnet about the environment and dolphins”
“Thom, we're in a rush”
Hildur reaches to help Thom out of the tub.
“BUT COZ GOT TO SING HIS SONG!!”
Thom starts fighting and twitching.
“It's his birthday dinner!”
Hildur pulls harder and Thom falls out of the tub, ass first on the bathmat.
After a lot of thinking Jonny shouts “COZ TOOK ME TO SEA WORLD WE GOT TO SEE DOLPHINS”
“That's nice Jonny” Hildur mumbles
Colin explains “He was scared of all the other animals but he really liked those dolphins”
“I want to make a song out of a dolphin loop” Jonny says starry eyed
“MY GOD HE’S GENIUS” Thom shouts still struggling on the bathmat.
“Jonny those aren't sounds. Those are plastic rings that the dolphins jump through”
Collin giggles
Thom stops squirming “Fuck...“
Hildur rolls her eyes
“Jonny will you find clothes for Thom?”
“I've got some nice ones, Thom!”
Jonny runs out of the bathroom after sliding on the wet floor.
Thom is sitting, naked on the bathmat, tapping his fingers
“Thank god you brought my clothes here... clean clothes”
Hildur mumbles awkwardly “About that... we didn't bother getting your clothes. We were so focused on making Jonny feel comfortable”
Thom puts his head into the tub in an attempt to drown himself.
The girls pull him out of the water
“Jeez, you’re such an emo bastard, Thom”
Jonny returns
“Thom I got you some clothes!”
“Ah, not the pink pants” Thom shrieks
Jonny’s face looks like a question mark “pink…?”
he looks to his brother
“Wh... I don't have anything pink”
“Come on, Thom. We need to dry your hair”
Hildur picks up a huge yellow towel.
Jonny keeps looking puzzled
“But Coz got rid of all my pink clothes after what happened at that bar”
Coz points at the pants “These are salmon”
Hildur hands Thom the towel and he dries himself up
“What about underwear? I’m getting cold”
“You can have these”
Colin hands Thom bright red tighties
Thom giddily snatches them off him
“Haha, Coz I thought you threw these out”
“Nah... Too many memories”
“From touring?” Hildur casually asks
“Yeah” Thom and Colin both say
Thom gets dressed
He starts putting on Jonny’s pants. They’re about 6 inches too long.
“You need platforms”
Colin turns around to go to his room and get platforms
“Please don't make me look like more of an idiot than I do now”
Thom puts on an ‘I love the ondes martenot’ shirt
Jonny gets a comb and starts combing Thom’s hair
“My mom just used to roll my pants up, Thom. We can do that with yours”
“Sure...”
Thom rolls up the pants. Colin tries to help but Thom slaps him away
“I can do this myself”
“Are you all ready?” Hildur asks
“No, wait”
Colin picks up a clip on bow-tie from his pocket and puts it on Jonny
“My mum once let me have her clip on earrings for a whole day” Jonny says to Colin
“No, she didn't” Colin says, not fond of Jonny lying
“She would never”
Jonny looks embarrassed
to be continued...
part two
Hildur hastily hands Thom a t shirt to put on and says "Come on hurry up lets get to the car"
Jonny smiles at Thom
"Thom, that’s my favourite shirt. I hope you like it a lot"
Colin holds up a suit jacket and Jonny puts it on
Hildur looks at them
"You look dashing, Jonny"
Jonny giggles "Hehe,that was funny"
Colin looks at Hildur in a way that tells her to ignore Jonny
He straightens Jonny’s bow tie.
Thom pulls his pants up
"Can we go? I want to get this over with"
Hildur shushes Thom and then heads out the door
"Okay let's go"
"Jonny, you sit in front with Janeen"
Janeen stares blankly "God I'm like the chauffer now"
Hildur looks at her "Haha that’s what you get for being the only one who can drive"
Janeen takes Jonny by the hand
"Well come on, Jon, we better get you buckled in"
Colin and Hildur sit in the back and Thom stubbornly climbs in the trunk
Colin looks around
"So where are you taking me"
Jonny turns around to look at Coz "We're going to get ice cream”
Hildur responds "No, we're going to a fancy restaurant
Jonny fusses with his seatbelt
Colin unbuckles his seatbelt so he can help Jonny with his
Thom moans in the back seat
We pull into the parking lot. It wasn't that far away
Jonny and Colin walk through the door together
Janeen walks in and looks back. Hildur seems to be trying to pull Thom through the door
Janeen skips towards them "Come on, Thom, stop being so fussy"
Thom whines "No, I don't want to go in. I look like a fucking idiot"
Hildur looks at him
"You don't think Jonny is an idiot"
"You're wearing his clothes"
thom snaps "Well his clothes fit him"
"and he gets to wear a suit now!"
The girls finally manage him into the restaurant waiting area.
One of the waiters scans Thom noticing he's wearing pink pants and an i <3 ondes martenot tshirt
The waiter tries to hide a smile
Colin walks up to a pretty lady who's standing at the reception table
Very politely he says "I believe we have a reservation for five"
The lady looks at the bunch of them and when she sees Thom she can't help releasing a little chuckle.
The reception lady says to them "I'm sorry but he has to wear a tie at least. This is a four star restaurant"
Colin looks at the lady "Oh... wait a minute"
Colin walks up to the rest of them
He looks at janeen "I have to run to the car for a second, can I have the keys, Janeen?"
Janeen nods and hands him the keys
Colin runs out and in 30 seconds he returns with a bright red and neon green polka dotted tie with Christmas pictures on it
Colin says slightly winded "I noticed that when you… errr… abducted us"
Jonny looks up" I'm adopted?"
"No, abducted"
"Oh..."
"Can we sit down now? I want to sit"
Colin holds the tie out to Thom
Thom snatches it and emotionlessly puts it on
Then he mumbles "The food better be fucking good"
Janeen turns to him "Thom, try to keep the swearing under control"
Jonny adds "This is a four star restaurant. "
Janeen and Hildur laugh
The waiter shows up and takes the bunch to a table in the far back (Probably to hide Thom from the well paying customers).
We all sit down and pick up our menu but Jonny who's squirming in his seat
He turns to the waiter
Do you have a kids menu?
The waiter looks down at Jonny
"Eh... I think there might be a section for children at the back of the menu"
Jonny smiles "I hope you have ice cream"
His eyes widen "and cookies"
Colin turns the waiter "We're going to decide what to order now. You can leave for a while, thank you"
…and he leaves
Thom is annoyingly turning the pages of the menu muttering "Wine, wine, wine... I need wine"
Jonny starts digging through Colin’s pockets.
Colin just keeps looking at the menu and takes a small box of crayons form his suit jacket and hands them to Jon.
Jonny starts colouring the other side of his placemat
Hildur watches Jonny" I don't think you're supposed to do that, Jon"
Jonny looks up
"Its ok they're just paper"
He puts down a brown crayon and picks up a green one
He looks back up
"I do this at happy fun kid restaurant all the time"
Jonny starts squirming again
Jonny looks at us pleadingly
"I have to go to the bathroom"
Hildur doesn't look up from her menu
"Thom, take Jonny to the toilets"
Thom sighs
"But I want to orderrrrrrr"
Hildur takes down her menu
"We'll just order something for you. Colin knows what you like...now go"
Thom takes Jonny's hand, roughly
A waiter intersects them 10 feet from the table
The waiter whispers to Thom
"Uh, I can take him to the bathroom sir”
“You can sit back down”
“In the corner over there"
Jonny smiles at the waiter (He's dangerously friendly with strangers).
Thom uses the opportunity to run outside for a smoke
Inside the restaurant Janeen is staring blankly at the plastic plant nearby.
"You think they have Dr.Pepper here? Or root beer?"
Hildur also stares at the plant
"Nah... probably just fancy stuff"
Colin looks at them
"Girls, I'm grateful for this but we really should have taken Jonny to some other place"
Hildur takes her eyes off the plant
"But this night's for you"
Janeen tears her eyes away from the plant
"Like happy fun kid restaurant?"
Colin smirks
"I could have also just cooked something nice"
The waiter comes back holding Jonny’s hand.
Jonny sits back down
Colin looks around
"Where's Thom?"
Thom stumbles by the window outside
Janeen smiles
"He must be on his way in"
Thom walks in. There’s a leaf in his hair.
He sits back down at the table
A second later the light above their table dims.
The waiter seems to have dimmed the light to hide the visibility of their table.
Hildur looks to Thom
"We ordered while you were gone. The food should be here any minute"
Thom adjusts his shirt which is falling off partly
"What'd you get me?"
Janeen looks at him
"Uh, we got you some wine"
"Oh, ok"
He settles down
Jonny's got his face very close to the placemat. It looks like he’s trying to hide something with his hands.
Coz notices
"Jonny... What are you doing?"
Jonny freezes up
"nufin, coth"
Jonny looks up. He seems to be eating a crayon.
Coz gasps
"Jonny!"
Jonny looks at coz with huge eyeballs
"I'm phowwy, cothie"
Colin puts his hand in front of Jonny's mouth
"Spit!"
Jonny pouts
Then he spits some nasty chewed green crayon into Coz's hand.
Coz wipes it in his napkin
"Good. You want to have an appetite when you get your food, don't you?"
A waiter walks to the table bearing bottles of wine and one glass of milk
Thom looks up at the waiter
"Ah, finally.”
“Leave the bottle"
Thom snatches the bottle from the waiter's plate
He precedes to drink it straight from the bottle
Coz glares at him
"THOM! What's wrong with you tonight? You know better!
Then he adds quietly so only Thom can hear
“You're not jonny”
Jonny sips his milk and looks up. He has a milk mustache and proclaims
"Yeah, Thom this is a 4 star restaurant"
The waiter stands idly
"Err... the food is on its way"
The waiter walks out of sight and soon the lights above them are dimmed even more
Jonny smiles at coz
"Coz, can I try some of your juice?"
Coz picks up his wine glass
"Eh, ok Jonny just a sip though"
Jonny sips Coz's glass and then makes a sour face
He motions like he wants to spit it out
Colin picks up the glass that was meant for Thom and hands it to Jonny
"Here. Spit it there"
Jonny spits
He hands Cozzie back the glass
Pieces of crayon are in it
Colin drinks what Jonny spat
Janeen gives Coz a weird look
Coz notices Janeen’s stare
"What? This stuff is expensive."
A good sized amount of wine spills on Thom’s shirt
jonny shrieks in protest
"COZ! THOM GOT WINE ON MY FAVORITE SHIRT!!"
Jonny starts to whimper
Coz puts a hand on Jonny shoulder
"Don't worry, Jon. We can get the stain out later"
The waiter comes back with everyone’s food
He sets down some very fancy looking plates in front of everyone and then lastly sets down Jonny's which has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it with a piece of parsley as garnish.
Jonny picks up the parsley
He holds it in front of his nose examining it very closely
"What's this, Cozzie?"
Coz looks at it
"Oh, it’s just a decoration"
Jonny smiles
"It’s pretty"
He puts it in his pocket
He looks back at coz
"Am I getting a dessert, coz? I haven't eaten more colours"
"Yes, Jonny"
"Will there be cookies? And ice cream?"
“Cookie ice cream?”
Jonny sits up straight
"Can I have a cookie ice cream???"
Coz is no longer paying attention
"Eat your sandwich and we'll see"
Thom pours some wine over his chicken
Jonny stares
"That's not the way to eat chicken"
Colin pats Jonny on the head
Jonny looks at Coz
"Cozzie, can you cut off my crusts?"
Coz smiles and picks up a knife
He cuts of Jonny’s crusts
Jonny rolls the crust up into a ball and shoves it in his mouth
Thom starts a drunken speech
His eye floats
"I remember when I used to be the famous one, you know. I didn't have to sit in the dimly lit corner to hide me from society"
Colin sticks a fork filled with salad in his mouth
Then he picks up a napkin and wipes Jonny's mouth
"We're still famous, Thom."
Thom drinks a bit more from his bottle
"Yeah, but all the girls… they just want you and Jonny now. No more poor Thom
He hicks before continuing
“The girls they don't like me anymore"
Hildur interjects
"They do. It's just because you've been in that darn dungeon for so long that you think that. We've got lots of fan mail to you."
Thom scoffs
"I don't get any fan mail"
Hildur blinks
"Yes, you do.... we just use it to wipe Jonny’s nose"
Jonny sniffs a dripping booger back up his nose and then blows it into a piece of folded paper from his pocket.
Thom tips in his chair
"Haha yeah, the groupies"
Jonny looks confused and then says "Thom but you never wanted groupies you just wanted…"
Thom snaps to attention
"Yeah, I only had eyes for Rachel, I remember, Jon. I remember very well"
He kicks Jonny under the table
Jonny whimpers
Colin giggles
Hildur looks at Jonny
"Jonny, did you get many groupies?"
Jonny stuffs some sandwich into his mouth
"Huh?"
Colin pokes Jonny in the ribs
"Tell her about the naked lady"
Jonny blushes
"I once found a naked lady in my bed"
"She wanted to take off my clothes but I told her that Cozzie had just put them on me so I didn’t need to change"
"I don't know why she was there but I remember that soon Ed and Phil took her away"
Jonny stares blankly out the window
"Maybe she was a thief"
He says quieter "I was wearing my Astro boy pyjamas…"
Then he stares back at everyone else
"Stealing isn't nice."
Hildur makes a confused face
"Riiiight..."
She quicly turns to Colin
"How about you?"
Coz looks up while slurping some spaghetti
"Nah... I was too busy trying to get the groupies to stay away from Jonny"
Coz looks slightly saddened
"Don't know why. They just wanted him… or Thom… or Ed"
"Phil and I would just hang with the roadies, playing cards"
Jonny seems to have gotten confused
"Yeah, the cookies liked me"
"Can I have ice cream now?"
Coz looks around
"I'll just have to call the waiter"
Thom almost falls over getting up
"No, wait let me do that "
Thom calls out over the restaurant
"WAITER WE NEED SOME COOKIES AND WINE!"
The waiter rushes over
"Quiet down sir."
Then he adds
“Please…”
He puts his hands on Thoms shoulders and tries to force him into his seat
"Try not to draw so much attention to yourself, sir"
Thom yells
"I'M A CELEBRITY"
"THE CELEBRITY WOULD LIKE SOME COOKIES"
The waiter says quietly "We don't have cookies, sir"
Jonny starts crying
"Why… why are there no cookies, nice waiter man?"
Hildur and Janeen stare
The waiter looks torch red
"I'm sorry... it's just not the style of the restaurant.“
“We do have flans..."
Jonny cries out
"WHATS A FLAN?”
He sobs
“I HATE FLANS!!"
The waiter nervously stares around the restaurant
"A flan is almost like cake.”
“I'm very sorry, sir"
Thom looks up
"Do you have cheesecake?"
Thom bursts out laughing
He rolls on the floor and then underneath the table
Cozzie holds Jonny as he cries into his shirt.
Muffled sobs can be heard
"Cozzie you said if I was a good boy and ate the sandwich I'd get a cookie!"
Thom shouts from underneath the table
"I like this place. We should come here more often!"
The waiter looks petrified
Hildur stands up and places her napkin on the table
"Maybe we should go"
Colin attempts to stand up but Jonny is hugging him around the waist
"BUT I WANT COOKIES!!!"
Colin tries to unhinge Jonny's arms
"Jonny, don't shout"
Janeen tries to help
"Jon we can go to the bakery"
Jonny turns his face out of Coz's jacket
"And get cookies?”
He sniffs
“With sprinkles?"
Thom seems to have found his way out from underneath the table
"Who makes cocks with sprinkles?"
He balances himself on the table
"Heh I mean... you know"
Colin turns to the waiter who's frozen stuck
He smiles at the waiter tiredly
"Check, please"
The waiter runs away
Thom drunkly looks himself over
"I do fancy myself in these pink pants"
Jonny seems to have settled down a bit
"I knew you'd like them"
"…And they're not pink"
Colin pats Jonny on the head
Colin and Jon then simultaneously say
"They're salmon"
The waiter hurries back with the check
Thom stumbles up to waiter and hugs him
"Thanks for the lovely evening man"
The waiter awkwardly pats Thom on the back
"Erm… thank you"
Colin turns to the girls
"We're off"
The waiter sort of rushes them out the door
Everyone exits and the waiter gives a sigh of relief
Thom stumbles back in
He looks at the waiter
"Sorry man, I forgot my umbrella"
He walks over and takes a random umbrella out of the umbrella holder and then leaves
the end!!
Hildur stares out the window "Did Jonny and Colin run away or something? I haven't seen them in a while"
She turns to janeen "do you know where they are?"
Janeen taps her fingers on table "Jonny was in the backyard a second ago picking dandelions"
Hildur stares blankly at janeen "since when do we have dandelions?"
"I told him he could pick them since there’s a surplus this year"
Hildur thinks of Jonny plucking flowers in the backyard "Awww he was probably picking them for his mama"
Janeen smirks "or Cozzie"
Hildur adds "or a crush..."
They both look at each other “Yeah Cozzie"
They look out the door to see Jonathan laying in the lawn and his pants are all grass stained
Hildur bends down to talk to him " Jonny what are you doing out here? Do you know where Cozzie is?"
Jonny picks a dandelion thoughtfully from the grass" I know dandelions aren't Cozzie's favourite flowers but I'm picking dandelions and giving them to Cozzie"
Hildur smiles " that's nice, Jonny"
"I only like the brown ones because when they open and the flowers come out the bees come too and I don't like the bees"
"Yeah, that's nice, Jonny. Where's Cozzie?"
Jonny continues to ramble about bees
"One time the bee hurt me and my mom had to take care of me"
"If I get hurt Cozzie will have to take care of me"
"Is Cozzie missing is that why you're asking me? "
Hildur looks back at Jonny slightly annoyed "Well I don't know where he is, Jonathan"
Jonny jumps up and screams "HIDE AND GO SEEEEK!!!!"
Jonny runs into the house yelling "COZZIE, COZZIE, COZZIE... ONE TWO THREE..."
Cozzie walks out of the bathroom
Coz looks at Jonny sort of surprised " sorry just using the bathroom"
Jonny runs into the bathroom
"COZZIE IT'S POINTY!!"
Colin turns around "What?"
Jonny yells " YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH!"
"FOR CHRISTS SAKE FLUSH FOR ME, JONNY"
A flushing noise is heard
Janeen laughs
Muffled through the floor Thom says "Ha, Coz could never remember to flush the toilet"
Once again through the muffled floor Thom yells "EW! SICK! THERES A LEAK. ITS DRIPPING ALL OVER ME AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Jonny walks out of the bathroom and stops in front of Hildur and Janeen
He says casually " Cozzie had corn last night"
Janeen stares at Hildur
Hildur says coolly "That's nice, Jonny."
Jonny turns away " I want to be a scientist"
He picks up his tele
Janeen looks confused at him "Jonny do you know what a scientist is?"
Jonny sits down cross legged on the floor " Yes... That singer in Guided by Voices sung that song "I am a scientist"
"and he understood very well"
"and played his guitar"
Janeen smiles and pats Jonny on the head "Yes you will be a very good scientist"
Jonny smiles and stares up at Janeen and Hildur with his huge eyes
Coz walks into the room with his hands stuffed in his pockets
Jonny stands up "Oh, coz I got you these"
He pulls a bunch of dandelions out of his pockets
Jonny looks hopefully at Coz "Do you like them? I know they're not your favourite"
Cozzie smiles " I like them a lot, Jonny"
Colin puts one of the flowers in his jacket pocket so it sticks out all weedy
Jonny smiles and gives coz a hug
The flower gets a bit flattened
"Thank you for the flowers, Jonny. I have to go now and practise my tambourine playing"
Hildur looks to Coz "But we were going to go out to eat tonight, remember?"
Colin is upset by the possibility of him not getting in his full tambourine practise " uh... no"
"Yes, we have your late birthday dinner"
"We have a reservation at a four star place"
Colin raises an eyebrow
He asks " and jonny's coming with?"
Hildur stares at Colin "Yes of course"
Colin seems amused "Apparently you've never taken Jonny out to eat, have you?"
Jonny looks up by the mentioning of his name "Yay! I like going out to eat!"
Janeen smirks "What does he need a bib or something?"
Colin looks to us "Can't Thom watch over him?"
Hildur smiles "Oh, Thom's is coming with"
Muffled cheering can be heard from the basement
Janeen mumbles "We'll have to dry him off and get him a bath first though"
Hildur says to janeen "Oh, yeah... that's something we have to do"
Colin looks pleased "Okay you do that now. I can practise playing my tambourines while you're at it"
While Colin's walking away he says "Very important for me"
After Colin's gone Jonny asks suddenly "Can I take a bath with Thom?"
Janeen looks surprised by his question "Jonny uh we're probably going to have to hand wash Thom for he's rather disagreeable"
And then she adds "You don't want us seeing you nakey do you?"
Jonny blushes “I....."
And then unfortunately changes his mind "I want to help clean Thom"
Hildur and janeen both smile
"Okay let's go get Thom from the basement"
Janeen hits the lights before they go down the stairs to get Thom
Thom yells "AAAAAH IT BURNS MY EYES"
"Sweet, sweet light!"
Hildur unhinges his chains "Shut up, Thom"
Thom sings as the girls unchain him
Jonny stands at the top of the stairs, afraid to come down
Jonny calls down the stairs " are you comiiing? I... I don't want to be alone"
Janeen yells back "We'll be right there, Jonny. Just wait outside. You wouldn't like it down here"
Weakly Jonny calls "Can I have a cookie?"
Hildur yells "There are no left. We're not letting you have any cookies until Saturday"
"We're going to a restaurant tonight"
"Then you'll be getting nice things to eat"
Hildur and Janeen drag Thom up the stairs
Janeen looks at Thom "Come on, Thomas. Bath time"
Thom’s eyes widen and he yells frantically " WHAT WHY?!"
Janeen laughs "You've been in the dungeon for days and the toilets been dripping on you"
Thom stares at the floor " oh, bugger"
He looks back up at us with his hands clasped like a beggar "Can't I just bathe myself?"
Hildur stares at Thom unmoved "No, you'd just end up listening to Linkin Park and cutting yourself with shattered glass. I saw you the other day, you know"
Thom looks away " ... I just like Linkin Park, that's all"
They all move into the bathroom
Janeen looks at Thom "and Jonny’s going to help"
Jonny walks in "Hi, Thom!"
Jonny goes over and immediately starts undressing Thom
Jonny unbuckles Thom's belt
Thom's sweat leaks down his forehead
Hildur sits in the bathtub to watch. Janeen sits up on the sink edge
Jonny pulls Thoms belt out of the loops and places it on the sink counter
Jonny stares at him "Thom you smell weird"
Thom adds a distracted "yeah"
Thom starts to whistle
Without removing her eyes janeen says like a zombie "Hildur, run the water"
Hildur turns the knob for the water not looking away from Thom and Jonny or stepping out of the tub
Hildur says quietly " Jonny, take Thom's underwear off"
Thom interrupts "WAIT let me take my shirt and socks off first"
He does this
Then Jonny gets down on his knees slowly
Jonny looks at janeen like he's asking her what he should really do
She looks back " go ahead"
Hildur drools into the bathtub
Jonny puts his index fingers inside Thom's underwear
Thom gulps
He slowly pulls it down
Hildur leans closer, now completely soaked.
Janeen sits mouth agape
Hildur stares "Now lean forward and..." she stops abruptly
"Eh... "
Hildur steps out of the bathtub
There are a few moments of silence
Thom looks around annoyed "Bloody hell! What’s wrong with you? Never seen a penis before?
Then he jumps in the tub
Janeen looks to Jonny "Haha! Jonny go get the washcloths"
Jonny says proudly " I've seen Thom's penis lots of times"
Thom looks at us nervously "Haha that Jonny… He doesn't know what he’s talking about…"
Jonny interjects "No, Thom. Remember that time! At the hotel! On the first tour in France! You and Colin had bathrobes and I couldn't find mine"
Hildur looks interested "What happened next?"
Thom scowls at Jonny "Just get the bloody washcloths"
Jonny continues "Thom gave me his and he..."
He looks at Thom quickly, hesitates, and then leaves to get the washcloths
Thom gives a sigh of relief
Thom looks around "So... upstairs is nice"
"Can I stay here?" Then he quickly looks away.
Hildur remarks "But Fraulein Helga loves you"
Thom lightens up "Does she?"
Jonny comes back with an arm full of washcloths.
Jonny looks to Thom questioningly "Thom do you want us to use the yellow ones or the pink ones?"
Thom says roughly "Just give me one"
Hildur looks to Jonny "Oh, and hand one to me and janeen, please"
Thom grabs a washcloth from Jonny's hand "I can do this myself..."
Hildur places a wash cloth on Thom's head "Just do what we say and you might get a dessert tonight"
Janeen adds "Thom go under to get your hair wet so we can shampoo it"
Thom takes a deep breath and goes underwater
He stays there for an awfully long time
He stays
Everything’s silent
And he stays...
Jonny breaks the silence “He’s not going to drown is he?”
He stares at Janeen, Hildur and then the bathtub “OH NO!”
Hildur mumbles “I think it's just his yoga lungs”
She pokes him with a hairbrush handle
Thom sits up
Jonny gives out a relieved “phew”
Hildur picks up a strawberry scented shampoo bottle
“Can I have the coconut one?” Thom casually asks and points towards a coconut shampoo bottle that’s lying up on a shelf.
“Sure...”
Hildur reaches to pick up the coconut shampoo bottle and then squirts some shampoo in her hand.
“That looks just like the stains on your pants in the Australian tour” Jonny says
“HAHAHA, JONNY!” Janeen bursts
Thom just shakes his head “Jonny… enough talk about touring”
Jonny apologises, squirts some shampoo in his hand and works it through Thom’s hair.
“Thom you've got a lot of knots”
“It's all the shit that's been leaking on me”
Hildur slaps Thom’s shoulder “Don't swear in front of Jonathan”
“I can say SHIT because there was SHIT fucking leaking on my FUCKING HAIR”
Jonny panics and puts soap in Thom's eyes before he says more curse words.
Thom squirms in the tub “Jonny! What the hell man?”
He dunks his head underwater
Jonny pouts “I'm sorry, Thom”
Hildur picks up the showerhead “Okay Thom it's time to hose you”
A jingling can be heard in the background
Hildur get confused whether to go watch Colin play or keep starting at Thom's naked body.
Jonny looks at her “I like it too when Cozzie plays tambourine”
Jonny and Hildur’s gazes meet and they feel like they understand each other completely at this one little moment.
Janeen runs to the doorway “Hey, Colin come here for a second”
Colin walks in with a tambourine on his head and 2 in his hands
“yes?”
Colin nods to Thom
“Thom”
Thom nods back
“Hey…Coz”
“I see you're naked...again”
Thom giggles ”JONNY undressed ME this time. Think about that”
Colin looks at the two girls as if to see their reactions.
Then he looks back at Thom
“Ha, uh, so Thom I made this new beat on tambourine. I was wondering if we could use it in a song”
Hildur takes a washcloth off Thom and puts it on her chin to dry the drool.
“I'm so glad you listened to my advice, Coz, and started playing tambourines.”
“I had been planning this for year now” Colin replies
“I really liked that movie Hunchback in Notre Dame... that Esmeralda girl could really work her tambourine”
Hildur stares confused at the tambourine man
“Colin have you been drinking the red in the fridge?”
“What can I say, I like red...”
“You mean green?” Jonny interrupts, smiling proudly
Colin ignores Jonny’s words
“Anyway, Thom, check this out. I have some lyrics too”
Colin starts shaking his tambourine and doing a very elaborate dance
“One nighttttttt I was all alone “
He shake, shake, shakes the tambourines.
“…and there was a tambourine in the corner”
He bends down and shakes the tambourines some more
“…and I shook the tambourine!
He starts shaking rapidly and dancing in circles.
“SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE”
He gets down on his knees
“TAMBOURINE QUEEN!!”
He stops and gets up, dusting his trousers “Eh? Eh? You like?
Jonny claps and laughs
“I like it but don't you think it's too similar to what beck is doing?” Thom suggests
Then he continues “Let me sing my song for you all… it's a new sonnet about the environment and dolphins”
“Thom, we're in a rush”
Hildur reaches to help Thom out of the tub.
“BUT COZ GOT TO SING HIS SONG!!”
Thom starts fighting and twitching.
“It's his birthday dinner!”
Hildur pulls harder and Thom falls out of the tub, ass first on the bathmat.
After a lot of thinking Jonny shouts “COZ TOOK ME TO SEA WORLD WE GOT TO SEE DOLPHINS”
“That's nice Jonny” Hildur mumbles
Colin explains “He was scared of all the other animals but he really liked those dolphins”
“I want to make a song out of a dolphin loop” Jonny says starry eyed
“MY GOD HE’S GENIUS” Thom shouts still struggling on the bathmat.
“Jonny those aren't sounds. Those are plastic rings that the dolphins jump through”
Collin giggles
Thom stops squirming “Fuck...“
Hildur rolls her eyes
“Jonny will you find clothes for Thom?”
“I've got some nice ones, Thom!”
Jonny runs out of the bathroom after sliding on the wet floor.
Thom is sitting, naked on the bathmat, tapping his fingers
“Thank god you brought my clothes here... clean clothes”
Hildur mumbles awkwardly “About that... we didn't bother getting your clothes. We were so focused on making Jonny feel comfortable”
Thom puts his head into the tub in an attempt to drown himself.
The girls pull him out of the water
“Jeez, you’re such an emo bastard, Thom”
Jonny returns
“Thom I got you some clothes!”
“Ah, not the pink pants” Thom shrieks
Jonny’s face looks like a question mark “pink…?”
he looks to his brother
“Wh... I don't have anything pink”
“Come on, Thom. We need to dry your hair”
Hildur picks up a huge yellow towel.
Jonny keeps looking puzzled
“But Coz got rid of all my pink clothes after what happened at that bar”
Coz points at the pants “These are salmon”
Hildur hands Thom the towel and he dries himself up
“What about underwear? I’m getting cold”
“You can have these”
Colin hands Thom bright red tighties
Thom giddily snatches them off him
“Haha, Coz I thought you threw these out”
“Nah... Too many memories”
“From touring?” Hildur casually asks
“Yeah” Thom and Colin both say
Thom gets dressed
He starts putting on Jonny’s pants. They’re about 6 inches too long.
“You need platforms”
Colin turns around to go to his room and get platforms
“Please don't make me look like more of an idiot than I do now”
Thom puts on an ‘I love the ondes martenot’ shirt
Jonny gets a comb and starts combing Thom’s hair
“My mom just used to roll my pants up, Thom. We can do that with yours”
“Sure...”
Thom rolls up the pants. Colin tries to help but Thom slaps him away
“I can do this myself”
“Are you all ready?” Hildur asks
“No, wait”
Colin picks up a clip on bow-tie from his pocket and puts it on Jonny
“My mum once let me have her clip on earrings for a whole day” Jonny says to Colin
“No, she didn't” Colin says, not fond of Jonny lying
“She would never”
Jonny looks embarrassed
to be continued...
part two
Hildur hastily hands Thom a t shirt to put on and says "Come on hurry up lets get to the car"
Jonny smiles at Thom
"Thom, that’s my favourite shirt. I hope you like it a lot"
Colin holds up a suit jacket and Jonny puts it on
Hildur looks at them
"You look dashing, Jonny"
Jonny giggles "Hehe,that was funny"
Colin looks at Hildur in a way that tells her to ignore Jonny
He straightens Jonny’s bow tie.
Thom pulls his pants up
"Can we go? I want to get this over with"
Hildur shushes Thom and then heads out the door
"Okay let's go"
"Jonny, you sit in front with Janeen"
Janeen stares blankly "God I'm like the chauffer now"
Hildur looks at her "Haha that’s what you get for being the only one who can drive"
Janeen takes Jonny by the hand
"Well come on, Jon, we better get you buckled in"
Colin and Hildur sit in the back and Thom stubbornly climbs in the trunk
Colin looks around
"So where are you taking me"
Jonny turns around to look at Coz "We're going to get ice cream”
Hildur responds "No, we're going to a fancy restaurant
Jonny fusses with his seatbelt
Colin unbuckles his seatbelt so he can help Jonny with his
Thom moans in the back seat
We pull into the parking lot. It wasn't that far away
Jonny and Colin walk through the door together
Janeen walks in and looks back. Hildur seems to be trying to pull Thom through the door
Janeen skips towards them "Come on, Thom, stop being so fussy"
Thom whines "No, I don't want to go in. I look like a fucking idiot"
Hildur looks at him
"You don't think Jonny is an idiot"
"You're wearing his clothes"
thom snaps "Well his clothes fit him"
"and he gets to wear a suit now!"
The girls finally manage him into the restaurant waiting area.
One of the waiters scans Thom noticing he's wearing pink pants and an i <3 ondes martenot tshirt
The waiter tries to hide a smile
Colin walks up to a pretty lady who's standing at the reception table
Very politely he says "I believe we have a reservation for five"
The lady looks at the bunch of them and when she sees Thom she can't help releasing a little chuckle.
The reception lady says to them "I'm sorry but he has to wear a tie at least. This is a four star restaurant"
Colin looks at the lady "Oh... wait a minute"
Colin walks up to the rest of them
He looks at janeen "I have to run to the car for a second, can I have the keys, Janeen?"
Janeen nods and hands him the keys
Colin runs out and in 30 seconds he returns with a bright red and neon green polka dotted tie with Christmas pictures on it
Colin says slightly winded "I noticed that when you… errr… abducted us"
Jonny looks up" I'm adopted?"
"No, abducted"
"Oh..."
"Can we sit down now? I want to sit"
Colin holds the tie out to Thom
Thom snatches it and emotionlessly puts it on
Then he mumbles "The food better be fucking good"
Janeen turns to him "Thom, try to keep the swearing under control"
Jonny adds "This is a four star restaurant. "
Janeen and Hildur laugh
The waiter shows up and takes the bunch to a table in the far back (Probably to hide Thom from the well paying customers).
We all sit down and pick up our menu but Jonny who's squirming in his seat
He turns to the waiter
Do you have a kids menu?
The waiter looks down at Jonny
"Eh... I think there might be a section for children at the back of the menu"
Jonny smiles "I hope you have ice cream"
His eyes widen "and cookies"
Colin turns the waiter "We're going to decide what to order now. You can leave for a while, thank you"
…and he leaves
Thom is annoyingly turning the pages of the menu muttering "Wine, wine, wine... I need wine"
Jonny starts digging through Colin’s pockets.
Colin just keeps looking at the menu and takes a small box of crayons form his suit jacket and hands them to Jon.
Jonny starts colouring the other side of his placemat
Hildur watches Jonny" I don't think you're supposed to do that, Jon"
Jonny looks up
"Its ok they're just paper"
He puts down a brown crayon and picks up a green one
He looks back up
"I do this at happy fun kid restaurant all the time"
Jonny starts squirming again
Jonny looks at us pleadingly
"I have to go to the bathroom"
Hildur doesn't look up from her menu
"Thom, take Jonny to the toilets"
Thom sighs
"But I want to orderrrrrrr"
Hildur takes down her menu
"We'll just order something for you. Colin knows what you like...now go"
Thom takes Jonny's hand, roughly
A waiter intersects them 10 feet from the table
The waiter whispers to Thom
"Uh, I can take him to the bathroom sir”
“You can sit back down”
“In the corner over there"
Jonny smiles at the waiter (He's dangerously friendly with strangers).
Thom uses the opportunity to run outside for a smoke
Inside the restaurant Janeen is staring blankly at the plastic plant nearby.
"You think they have Dr.Pepper here? Or root beer?"
Hildur also stares at the plant
"Nah... probably just fancy stuff"
Colin looks at them
"Girls, I'm grateful for this but we really should have taken Jonny to some other place"
Hildur takes her eyes off the plant
"But this night's for you"
Janeen tears her eyes away from the plant
"Like happy fun kid restaurant?"
Colin smirks
"I could have also just cooked something nice"
The waiter comes back holding Jonny’s hand.
Jonny sits back down
Colin looks around
"Where's Thom?"
Thom stumbles by the window outside
Janeen smiles
"He must be on his way in"
Thom walks in. There’s a leaf in his hair.
He sits back down at the table
A second later the light above their table dims.
The waiter seems to have dimmed the light to hide the visibility of their table.
Hildur looks to Thom
"We ordered while you were gone. The food should be here any minute"
Thom adjusts his shirt which is falling off partly
"What'd you get me?"
Janeen looks at him
"Uh, we got you some wine"
"Oh, ok"
He settles down
Jonny's got his face very close to the placemat. It looks like he’s trying to hide something with his hands.
Coz notices
"Jonny... What are you doing?"
Jonny freezes up
"nufin, coth"
Jonny looks up. He seems to be eating a crayon.
Coz gasps
"Jonny!"
Jonny looks at coz with huge eyeballs
"I'm phowwy, cothie"
Colin puts his hand in front of Jonny's mouth
"Spit!"
Jonny pouts
Then he spits some nasty chewed green crayon into Coz's hand.
Coz wipes it in his napkin
"Good. You want to have an appetite when you get your food, don't you?"
A waiter walks to the table bearing bottles of wine and one glass of milk
Thom looks up at the waiter
"Ah, finally.”
“Leave the bottle"
Thom snatches the bottle from the waiter's plate
He precedes to drink it straight from the bottle
Coz glares at him
"THOM! What's wrong with you tonight? You know better!
Then he adds quietly so only Thom can hear
“You're not jonny”
Jonny sips his milk and looks up. He has a milk mustache and proclaims
"Yeah, Thom this is a 4 star restaurant"
The waiter stands idly
"Err... the food is on its way"
The waiter walks out of sight and soon the lights above them are dimmed even more
Jonny smiles at coz
"Coz, can I try some of your juice?"
Coz picks up his wine glass
"Eh, ok Jonny just a sip though"
Jonny sips Coz's glass and then makes a sour face
He motions like he wants to spit it out
Colin picks up the glass that was meant for Thom and hands it to Jonny
"Here. Spit it there"
Jonny spits
He hands Cozzie back the glass
Pieces of crayon are in it
Colin drinks what Jonny spat
Janeen gives Coz a weird look
Coz notices Janeen’s stare
"What? This stuff is expensive."
A good sized amount of wine spills on Thom’s shirt
jonny shrieks in protest
"COZ! THOM GOT WINE ON MY FAVORITE SHIRT!!"
Jonny starts to whimper
Coz puts a hand on Jonny shoulder
"Don't worry, Jon. We can get the stain out later"
The waiter comes back with everyone’s food
He sets down some very fancy looking plates in front of everyone and then lastly sets down Jonny's which has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it with a piece of parsley as garnish.
Jonny picks up the parsley
He holds it in front of his nose examining it very closely
"What's this, Cozzie?"
Coz looks at it
"Oh, it’s just a decoration"
Jonny smiles
"It’s pretty"
He puts it in his pocket
He looks back at coz
"Am I getting a dessert, coz? I haven't eaten more colours"
"Yes, Jonny"
"Will there be cookies? And ice cream?"
“Cookie ice cream?”
Jonny sits up straight
"Can I have a cookie ice cream???"
Coz is no longer paying attention
"Eat your sandwich and we'll see"
Thom pours some wine over his chicken
Jonny stares
"That's not the way to eat chicken"
Colin pats Jonny on the head
Jonny looks at Coz
"Cozzie, can you cut off my crusts?"
Coz smiles and picks up a knife
He cuts of Jonny’s crusts
Jonny rolls the crust up into a ball and shoves it in his mouth
Thom starts a drunken speech
His eye floats
"I remember when I used to be the famous one, you know. I didn't have to sit in the dimly lit corner to hide me from society"
Colin sticks a fork filled with salad in his mouth
Then he picks up a napkin and wipes Jonny's mouth
"We're still famous, Thom."
Thom drinks a bit more from his bottle
"Yeah, but all the girls… they just want you and Jonny now. No more poor Thom
He hicks before continuing
“The girls they don't like me anymore"
Hildur interjects
"They do. It's just because you've been in that darn dungeon for so long that you think that. We've got lots of fan mail to you."
Thom scoffs
"I don't get any fan mail"
Hildur blinks
"Yes, you do.... we just use it to wipe Jonny’s nose"
Jonny sniffs a dripping booger back up his nose and then blows it into a piece of folded paper from his pocket.
Thom tips in his chair
"Haha yeah, the groupies"
Jonny looks confused and then says "Thom but you never wanted groupies you just wanted…"
Thom snaps to attention
"Yeah, I only had eyes for Rachel, I remember, Jon. I remember very well"
He kicks Jonny under the table
Jonny whimpers
Colin giggles
Hildur looks at Jonny
"Jonny, did you get many groupies?"
Jonny stuffs some sandwich into his mouth
"Huh?"
Colin pokes Jonny in the ribs
"Tell her about the naked lady"
Jonny blushes
"I once found a naked lady in my bed"
"She wanted to take off my clothes but I told her that Cozzie had just put them on me so I didn’t need to change"
"I don't know why she was there but I remember that soon Ed and Phil took her away"
Jonny stares blankly out the window
"Maybe she was a thief"
He says quieter "I was wearing my Astro boy pyjamas…"
Then he stares back at everyone else
"Stealing isn't nice."
Hildur makes a confused face
"Riiiight..."
She quicly turns to Colin
"How about you?"
Coz looks up while slurping some spaghetti
"Nah... I was too busy trying to get the groupies to stay away from Jonny"
Coz looks slightly saddened
"Don't know why. They just wanted him… or Thom… or Ed"
"Phil and I would just hang with the roadies, playing cards"
Jonny seems to have gotten confused
"Yeah, the cookies liked me"
"Can I have ice cream now?"
Coz looks around
"I'll just have to call the waiter"
Thom almost falls over getting up
"No, wait let me do that "
Thom calls out over the restaurant
"WAITER WE NEED SOME COOKIES AND WINE!"
The waiter rushes over
"Quiet down sir."
Then he adds
“Please…”
He puts his hands on Thoms shoulders and tries to force him into his seat
"Try not to draw so much attention to yourself, sir"
Thom yells
"I'M A CELEBRITY"
"THE CELEBRITY WOULD LIKE SOME COOKIES"
The waiter says quietly "We don't have cookies, sir"
Jonny starts crying
"Why… why are there no cookies, nice waiter man?"
Hildur and Janeen stare
The waiter looks torch red
"I'm sorry... it's just not the style of the restaurant.“
“We do have flans..."
Jonny cries out
"WHATS A FLAN?”
He sobs
“I HATE FLANS!!"
The waiter nervously stares around the restaurant
"A flan is almost like cake.”
“I'm very sorry, sir"
Thom looks up
"Do you have cheesecake?"
Thom bursts out laughing
He rolls on the floor and then underneath the table
Cozzie holds Jonny as he cries into his shirt.
Muffled sobs can be heard
"Cozzie you said if I was a good boy and ate the sandwich I'd get a cookie!"
Thom shouts from underneath the table
"I like this place. We should come here more often!"
The waiter looks petrified
Hildur stands up and places her napkin on the table
"Maybe we should go"
Colin attempts to stand up but Jonny is hugging him around the waist
"BUT I WANT COOKIES!!!"
Colin tries to unhinge Jonny's arms
"Jonny, don't shout"
Janeen tries to help
"Jon we can go to the bakery"
Jonny turns his face out of Coz's jacket
"And get cookies?”
He sniffs
“With sprinkles?"
Thom seems to have found his way out from underneath the table
"Who makes cocks with sprinkles?"
He balances himself on the table
"Heh I mean... you know"
Colin turns to the waiter who's frozen stuck
He smiles at the waiter tiredly
"Check, please"
The waiter runs away
Thom drunkly looks himself over
"I do fancy myself in these pink pants"
Jonny seems to have settled down a bit
"I knew you'd like them"
"…And they're not pink"
Colin pats Jonny on the head
Colin and Jon then simultaneously say
"They're salmon"
The waiter hurries back with the check
Thom stumbles up to waiter and hugs him
"Thanks for the lovely evening man"
The waiter awkwardly pats Thom on the back
"Erm… thank you"
Colin turns to the girls
"We're off"
The waiter sort of rushes them out the door
Everyone exits and the waiter gives a sigh of relief
Thom stumbles back in
He looks at the waiter
"Sorry man, I forgot my umbrella"
He walks over and takes a random umbrella out of the umbrella holder and then leaves
the end!!
Abducting Radiohead ep. 2 (script version)
Schmete and Hildur are in the living room of their house after having kept Jonny, Thom and Colin hostage for a few days... They have developed a nice case of Stockholm Syndrome by now.
Hildur: I'm going to... look on Jonny
Hildur: He's been eating cookie dough all day
Janeen: Alright
Hildur: I think he might be getting fat
Janeen: Oh he’s going to get sick!
Hildur: and I think he owes me some playtime
Janeen: Jonathan! Jonathan where are you?
Hildur: We have this silent agreement that whenever I give him cookie dough I can touch him
Janeen: Oh, there you are Jon
(Jon’s lying on the floor with an empty container of cookie dough)
Jonny: (whimper) I don't feel good
Hildur: awww
Hildur: Poor Jonny
Hildur: We’re going to have to take you to the hospital now, Jonny
Jonny: NO I DON'T WANT TO!
(Starts crying)
Jonny: Wh...Where’s Cozzie?
Hildur: He's at the hospital
Janeen: HILDUR
Janeen: God, poor coz
Hildur: Yes?
Hildur: Why?
Janeen: You...You
Janeen: You did something to him last night when you two disappeared and now he’s in the hospital
Janeen: Dirty
Hildur: Oops
Hildur: I didn't know he had an allergy!!!!
Hildur: Ok, does anybody know how to drive?
Jonny: I do
Hildur & Janeen: AAAAAAAAH!
Janeen: Sigh
Janeen: I do
Hildur: Oh, good
Janeen: I'll drive you Jon
(Both the girls scoop Jonny off the floor and carry him to the van)
Janeen: Hildur grab Jonny’s shoes by the door
Jonny: I want to listen to my records in the car
Janeen: alright Jon
Hildur: Jonny, you can't play records there. Only CDs
Jonny whimpers
Hildur: Jonny do you want to listen to new Radiohead demos in the car?
Jonny: no, I want to listen to Miles Davis
Janeen: oh good
*Jonny starts rubbing his arms and swinging his hair while looking down*
Janeen: I’ve got a few of his CDs
Hildur: that's great!
Janeen: Bitches Brew
Hildur: c'mon Jonny
Janeen: we'll listen to that Jon
(They then open the car door and place Jonny on the seat)
Jonny: what does bitches brew mean?
Hildur: err
Janeen: shhh nothing Jonny
Hildur: is Colin staying at Washington memorial?
(Janeen puts the CD in and Jonny immediately quiets down and his eyes become very large)
Janeen: yes I think so
Hildur: good
Hildur: let's drive then
(Thom runs after the car)
Thom: hey, you forgot me, you guys!!
(Thom holds up his acoustic guitar)
(Thom trips on his shoe lace)
Hildur: drive faster, janeen!!!!!
Jonny: ha-ha Thom's so silly
(In a few minutes they arrive at the hospital)
Hildur: in what ward is Cozza staying?
(Jonny seems to have recovered from his tummy ache from the mystical powers of Bitches Brew)
Jonny: my feet hurt
Hildur: I'll get you a wheelchair
Hildur: I can't bother dragging him around
Hildur: let's push him
Hildur: Jonny, sit
Jon: what is this?
Janeen: a chair with wheels
Hildur: err... it's like a mixture of a car and a swing. It’s new
Jonny: it's not new. My granny has that
Jonny: hers is much better. It has a steering thing and everything. I want one of those
Janeen: Jon, they don't have that kind here
Hildur: oh, come on Jonny
Janeen: we'll push you
Janeen: it will be fun
Hildur: Colin’s in the hospital and he wants to see you
Jonny: ok
Jonny: Colin's in the hospital?
Jonny: whyy?
Hildur: let's just go
(Jonny sits in the wheelchair and says "weeeee" even before they start pushing him)
(After getting lost in the tower lobby floor they arrive at Coz’s room)
(They push Jonny in the room)
Hildur: Cozzie!!!
(Cozzie has tubes up his nose and is not opening his eyes)
Hildur: oops... I did it again
(Jonny immediately starts crying)
(Jonny falls out of his chair and crawls over to Coz’s bed)
Jon: coz? Cozzie?! (Tears well up in eyes)
(He grabs Colin’s hand)
(A doctor comes in the room)
Dr: can I help you?
Jonny: what's wrong with Cozzie?
Dr: well it appears that he has had a serious allergic reaction
Janeen: to what?
Dr: (whispering to hildur and janeen while pointing at jonny) Is he alright?
janeen: yes he just gets upset easily
Dr: it seems that the patient is allergic to cheesecake
Hildur : that can't be right
Hildur : I've seen him eat it lots of times
Dr: well it seems that the allergic reaction does not appear if he's consumed it orally
*the doctor looks at janeen and Hildur suspiciously*
Janeen: uhhhhhhh...haha
Dr.: ok, you can tell me what happened. I've done some crazy things myself
(The doctor is reading Colin's medical history)
Dr: wait a minute... those aren't... that's... that's colin greenwood!
hildur: and...?
Dr: I love him
Hildur : well I saw him first so fuck off
janeen: yeah fuck off
janeen: i mean
janeen: jon cover your ears
(The Dr. pulls up a shot from his coat and injects it into Colin's arm)
(Jonny screams)
(Colin wakes up by the shock of the needle in his arm and Jonny’s screaming)
Jonny: Coz, Coz, Coz! Are you alright?!
Dr: I'm a huge fan of yours
Hildur: WTF!
Janeen: THE DRAMA
Dr: well... he was okay. I just wanted to scare you a little
Dr: you know that using a cheesecake in that way is forbidden in 51 states
Hildur : but...
Dr: shush!!
(Jonny is still startled)
(He cries and starts hugging coz while he’s still in bed)
Coz: hey, Jonny it's okay
(Coz shushes Jonny, gently, pets him on the head and strokes his back)
Jonny: I love you, Cozzie
Dr: I've been dreaming of this moment all my life
Hildur: EW! Get out!
(Hildur pushes the doctor out of the room)
Janeen: lock the door!
(Hildur grabs popcorn from her purse and hands some to Janeen)
(Janeen sits down in the wheelchair)
(Hildur sits down on the next bed)
(Colin stats wiping Jonny's tears off)
(Jonny whimpers)
Coz: I'll always be ok; you know that, don't you?
Jonny: coz I don't want you to leave ever
(They look each other in the eye for a long time like only Greenwoods can do)
Hildur: OMG THEY'RE GOING TO KISS
(A tear of Jonny’s drips off onto Colin’s face)
(Colin laughs and wipes it off)
(Colin kisses Jonny on the cheek)
*SHOCK*
Coz: WHAT?! WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME DON'T GIVE ME THAT
Hildur pretends like she wasn't watching and starts admiring the curtains)
Hildur: sorry... is there anything you need?
Hildur: some Vaseline maybe?
Hildur goes for her purse before even waiting for a response)
Coz: he was… sad… he… I was just trying to...cheer…uh
Hildur: there you go (she hands Jonny a Vaseline jar)
(Jonny looks confused)
(He places it on the bedside table)
Hildur: he he
Hildur: no, no, no, no
Hildur picks it up and puts it back in Jonny's hand)
Hildur: want me to show you, Jonny?
Janeen: O_O
(Jonny looks even more confused)
Coz: That's enough, Hildur
Janeen shoves popcorn in her face
Hildur: Cozzie can't you do this one thing for me? It's my birthday soon
Coz: shh Hildur!
(Jonny collapses on top of coz and hugs him)
(Colin starts mumbling things)
Janeen: a...a..... (Shoves more popcorn in mouth)
(Coz opens the Vaseline jar)
Coz: now Jonny... do you remember when we were on the IRC? The internet chat room?
(Jonny looks puzzled)
Coz: it was back in the days. You asked me a question...
Jonny: I don't feel so well, Cozzie
Hildur: here, have a valium
(Colin looks at Hildur fiercely)
(Janeen sits in awe)
Colin: (to Hildur) you're so going to owe me after this
Hildur: carry on
Colin: do you still want to know what...
(Colin gulps)
(Jonny looks at him with his big sparkling eyes)
Colin: do you still want to know what fisting is?
Jonny: You're scaring me, Cozzie
Cozzie: (to Hildur) ok I can't stand this... I'm using another approach
Cozzie: what did you do today, Jonny?
Jonny: I watched finding Nemo and ate cookie dough
Colin: oh, yes. I think you might be sick. Why won't you tell me about it while I go and measure your temperature?
Jon: okay
(Jonny pulls down his pants and lays down on his stomach)
Jonny: one day this fish called Nemo got lost...
(Colin lubricates his hand)
Cozzie: carry on, Jonny
Jonny: coz? That doesn't feel like the thermometer mum uses
Coz: it'sanewone. Carryonwiththestory, pleasewillyou, jonny
Jonny: So then they met these turtles...
(Janeen moves to a different seat to get a better angle)
(Jonny stops his story)
Coz: what, Jonny?
(Jonny starts whimpering)
(Colin takes his hand out)
Jonny: My tushy hurts. I want to go home
(Coz looks at Hildur)
(Hildur nods slowly)
Coz: okay, Jonny let's go home
(Jonny sits up and pulls his pants up)
Jonny: Do I have a fever?
Coz: no, you just ate too much cookie dough, that's all
Jonny: ok
Jonny: yum, cookie dough
(Jonny waves to janeen and then looks away blushing)
(Janeen starts feeling bad because Jonny was violated by his beloved Colin and is none the wiser because of his childish innocence)
Colin: let's go. I think the hospital staff won't mind
(Colin tries to open the door but finds out that it's locked)
Coz: what was it that happened again?
Hildur: Dr. Weinberg got a little bit star struck when he saw you
Jonny: hehehe, Weinberg
Jonny: I like fans
Jonny: they always want me to draw for them
Colin: yes you draw very nice pictures, Jonny
Jonny: I can spell my name
Jonny: I write it in crayons but they're all the same colour...
Hildur: was his name originally maybe Johnny with an h-
Coz: yes
(Colin hugs Jonny)
Coz: it's ok... it's going to be all right
(Jonny jumps on Colin’s back and Colin gives Jonny a piggy back ride out of the hospital)
Jonny: yay!
Jonny: my butt doesn't hurt anymore!
(Colin runs and jumps around with Jonny)
Hildur: that's good, Jonny
(Jonny looks at Hildur suspiciously)
Coz: where's the car, Janeen?
Janeen: over there
(Colin runs towards the car)
Jonny: weeeeeeee
(They all get in the car)
(Coz and Jonny sit in the back seat)
(Faint screaming can be heard)
(They see Thom running towards them)
Coz: Thom?
Thom: I'm so glad I caught you guys!
(Hildur slaps herself on the forehead)
Coz: why don't you join us, Thom?
Thom: I though you'd never ask!
Hildur: (in a cold voice) I see you brought your guitar, Thom
Thom: yes, I'd forgotten I was holding it
(Thom sits in the last row of the car and plays his guitar trying to get attention from the camera)
Thom: let me play Fake Plastic Trees for you
(Jonny sings along and gets all the attention from the camera)
(Jonny starts to nod off)
(His eyes slowly close and he hugs coz and rests his head on his shoulder)
(The camera zooms in on this)
(Thom starts singing noticeably louder in the background)
(Coz is about to kiss Jonny on the forehead but then Jonny suddenly swings his hair so Coz ends up kissing him on the mouth)
(The camera zooms in even more)
Thom: HEY HEY! FUCK YOU
Thom: look at me! I’m singing and playing guitar! At the same time!
(Jonny doesn't notice anything and Colin acts like the kiss didn't happen. He pretends to be sleeping too)
Hildur: OH SHUT UP FOR ONCE, THOMAS!
(Jonny moans)
(Thom mumbles)
Hildur: sorry, Jonny
(The car drives into the sunset with Thom starting to hum How to Disappear Completely)
….and now the credits
Hildur: I'm going to... look on Jonny
Hildur: He's been eating cookie dough all day
Janeen: Alright
Hildur: I think he might be getting fat
Janeen: Oh he’s going to get sick!
Hildur: and I think he owes me some playtime
Janeen: Jonathan! Jonathan where are you?
Hildur: We have this silent agreement that whenever I give him cookie dough I can touch him
Janeen: Oh, there you are Jon
(Jon’s lying on the floor with an empty container of cookie dough)
Jonny: (whimper) I don't feel good
Hildur: awww
Hildur: Poor Jonny
Hildur: We’re going to have to take you to the hospital now, Jonny
Jonny: NO I DON'T WANT TO!
(Starts crying)
Jonny: Wh...Where’s Cozzie?
Hildur: He's at the hospital
Janeen: HILDUR
Janeen: God, poor coz
Hildur: Yes?
Hildur: Why?
Janeen: You...You
Janeen: You did something to him last night when you two disappeared and now he’s in the hospital
Janeen: Dirty
Hildur: Oops
Hildur: I didn't know he had an allergy!!!!
Hildur: Ok, does anybody know how to drive?
Jonny: I do
Hildur & Janeen: AAAAAAAAH!
Janeen: Sigh
Janeen: I do
Hildur: Oh, good
Janeen: I'll drive you Jon
(Both the girls scoop Jonny off the floor and carry him to the van)
Janeen: Hildur grab Jonny’s shoes by the door
Jonny: I want to listen to my records in the car
Janeen: alright Jon
Hildur: Jonny, you can't play records there. Only CDs
Jonny whimpers
Hildur: Jonny do you want to listen to new Radiohead demos in the car?
Jonny: no, I want to listen to Miles Davis
Janeen: oh good
*Jonny starts rubbing his arms and swinging his hair while looking down*
Janeen: I’ve got a few of his CDs
Hildur: that's great!
Janeen: Bitches Brew
Hildur: c'mon Jonny
Janeen: we'll listen to that Jon
(They then open the car door and place Jonny on the seat)
Jonny: what does bitches brew mean?
Hildur: err
Janeen: shhh nothing Jonny
Hildur: is Colin staying at Washington memorial?
(Janeen puts the CD in and Jonny immediately quiets down and his eyes become very large)
Janeen: yes I think so
Hildur: good
Hildur: let's drive then
(Thom runs after the car)
Thom: hey, you forgot me, you guys!!
(Thom holds up his acoustic guitar)
(Thom trips on his shoe lace)
Hildur: drive faster, janeen!!!!!
Jonny: ha-ha Thom's so silly
(In a few minutes they arrive at the hospital)
Hildur: in what ward is Cozza staying?
(Jonny seems to have recovered from his tummy ache from the mystical powers of Bitches Brew)
Jonny: my feet hurt
Hildur: I'll get you a wheelchair
Hildur: I can't bother dragging him around
Hildur: let's push him
Hildur: Jonny, sit
Jon: what is this?
Janeen: a chair with wheels
Hildur: err... it's like a mixture of a car and a swing. It’s new
Jonny: it's not new. My granny has that
Jonny: hers is much better. It has a steering thing and everything. I want one of those
Janeen: Jon, they don't have that kind here
Hildur: oh, come on Jonny
Janeen: we'll push you
Janeen: it will be fun
Hildur: Colin’s in the hospital and he wants to see you
Jonny: ok
Jonny: Colin's in the hospital?
Jonny: whyy?
Hildur: let's just go
(Jonny sits in the wheelchair and says "weeeee" even before they start pushing him)
(After getting lost in the tower lobby floor they arrive at Coz’s room)
(They push Jonny in the room)
Hildur: Cozzie!!!
(Cozzie has tubes up his nose and is not opening his eyes)
Hildur: oops... I did it again
(Jonny immediately starts crying)
(Jonny falls out of his chair and crawls over to Coz’s bed)
Jon: coz? Cozzie?! (Tears well up in eyes)
(He grabs Colin’s hand)
(A doctor comes in the room)
Dr: can I help you?
Jonny: what's wrong with Cozzie?
Dr: well it appears that he has had a serious allergic reaction
Janeen: to what?
Dr: (whispering to hildur and janeen while pointing at jonny) Is he alright?
janeen: yes he just gets upset easily
Dr: it seems that the patient is allergic to cheesecake
Hildur : that can't be right
Hildur : I've seen him eat it lots of times
Dr: well it seems that the allergic reaction does not appear if he's consumed it orally
*the doctor looks at janeen and Hildur suspiciously*
Janeen: uhhhhhhh...haha
Dr.: ok, you can tell me what happened. I've done some crazy things myself
(The doctor is reading Colin's medical history)
Dr: wait a minute... those aren't... that's... that's colin greenwood!
hildur: and...?
Dr: I love him
Hildur : well I saw him first so fuck off
janeen: yeah fuck off
janeen: i mean
janeen: jon cover your ears
(The Dr. pulls up a shot from his coat and injects it into Colin's arm)
(Jonny screams)
(Colin wakes up by the shock of the needle in his arm and Jonny’s screaming)
Jonny: Coz, Coz, Coz! Are you alright?!
Dr: I'm a huge fan of yours
Hildur: WTF!
Janeen: THE DRAMA
Dr: well... he was okay. I just wanted to scare you a little
Dr: you know that using a cheesecake in that way is forbidden in 51 states
Hildur : but...
Dr: shush!!
(Jonny is still startled)
(He cries and starts hugging coz while he’s still in bed)
Coz: hey, Jonny it's okay
(Coz shushes Jonny, gently, pets him on the head and strokes his back)
Jonny: I love you, Cozzie
Dr: I've been dreaming of this moment all my life
Hildur: EW! Get out!
(Hildur pushes the doctor out of the room)
Janeen: lock the door!
(Hildur grabs popcorn from her purse and hands some to Janeen)
(Janeen sits down in the wheelchair)
(Hildur sits down on the next bed)
(Colin stats wiping Jonny's tears off)
(Jonny whimpers)
Coz: I'll always be ok; you know that, don't you?
Jonny: coz I don't want you to leave ever
(They look each other in the eye for a long time like only Greenwoods can do)
Hildur: OMG THEY'RE GOING TO KISS
(A tear of Jonny’s drips off onto Colin’s face)
(Colin laughs and wipes it off)
(Colin kisses Jonny on the cheek)
*SHOCK*
Coz: WHAT?! WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME DON'T GIVE ME THAT
Hildur pretends like she wasn't watching and starts admiring the curtains)
Hildur: sorry... is there anything you need?
Hildur: some Vaseline maybe?
Hildur goes for her purse before even waiting for a response)
Coz: he was… sad… he… I was just trying to...cheer…uh
Hildur: there you go (she hands Jonny a Vaseline jar)
(Jonny looks confused)
(He places it on the bedside table)
Hildur: he he
Hildur: no, no, no, no
Hildur picks it up and puts it back in Jonny's hand)
Hildur: want me to show you, Jonny?
Janeen: O_O
(Jonny looks even more confused)
Coz: That's enough, Hildur
Janeen shoves popcorn in her face
Hildur: Cozzie can't you do this one thing for me? It's my birthday soon
Coz: shh Hildur!
(Jonny collapses on top of coz and hugs him)
(Colin starts mumbling things)
Janeen: a...a..... (Shoves more popcorn in mouth)
(Coz opens the Vaseline jar)
Coz: now Jonny... do you remember when we were on the IRC? The internet chat room?
(Jonny looks puzzled)
Coz: it was back in the days. You asked me a question...
Jonny: I don't feel so well, Cozzie
Hildur: here, have a valium
(Colin looks at Hildur fiercely)
(Janeen sits in awe)
Colin: (to Hildur) you're so going to owe me after this
Hildur: carry on
Colin: do you still want to know what...
(Colin gulps)
(Jonny looks at him with his big sparkling eyes)
Colin: do you still want to know what fisting is?
Jonny: You're scaring me, Cozzie
Cozzie: (to Hildur) ok I can't stand this... I'm using another approach
Cozzie: what did you do today, Jonny?
Jonny: I watched finding Nemo and ate cookie dough
Colin: oh, yes. I think you might be sick. Why won't you tell me about it while I go and measure your temperature?
Jon: okay
(Jonny pulls down his pants and lays down on his stomach)
Jonny: one day this fish called Nemo got lost...
(Colin lubricates his hand)
Cozzie: carry on, Jonny
Jonny: coz? That doesn't feel like the thermometer mum uses
Coz: it'sanewone. Carryonwiththestory, pleasewillyou, jonny
Jonny: So then they met these turtles...
(Janeen moves to a different seat to get a better angle)
(Jonny stops his story)
Coz: what, Jonny?
(Jonny starts whimpering)
(Colin takes his hand out)
Jonny: My tushy hurts. I want to go home
(Coz looks at Hildur)
(Hildur nods slowly)
Coz: okay, Jonny let's go home
(Jonny sits up and pulls his pants up)
Jonny: Do I have a fever?
Coz: no, you just ate too much cookie dough, that's all
Jonny: ok
Jonny: yum, cookie dough
(Jonny waves to janeen and then looks away blushing)
(Janeen starts feeling bad because Jonny was violated by his beloved Colin and is none the wiser because of his childish innocence)
Colin: let's go. I think the hospital staff won't mind
(Colin tries to open the door but finds out that it's locked)
Coz: what was it that happened again?
Hildur: Dr. Weinberg got a little bit star struck when he saw you
Jonny: hehehe, Weinberg
Jonny: I like fans
Jonny: they always want me to draw for them
Colin: yes you draw very nice pictures, Jonny
Jonny: I can spell my name
Jonny: I write it in crayons but they're all the same colour...
Hildur: was his name originally maybe Johnny with an h-
Coz: yes
(Colin hugs Jonny)
Coz: it's ok... it's going to be all right
(Jonny jumps on Colin’s back and Colin gives Jonny a piggy back ride out of the hospital)
Jonny: yay!
Jonny: my butt doesn't hurt anymore!
(Colin runs and jumps around with Jonny)
Hildur: that's good, Jonny
(Jonny looks at Hildur suspiciously)
Coz: where's the car, Janeen?
Janeen: over there
(Colin runs towards the car)
Jonny: weeeeeeee
(They all get in the car)
(Coz and Jonny sit in the back seat)
(Faint screaming can be heard)
(They see Thom running towards them)
Coz: Thom?
Thom: I'm so glad I caught you guys!
(Hildur slaps herself on the forehead)
Coz: why don't you join us, Thom?
Thom: I though you'd never ask!
Hildur: (in a cold voice) I see you brought your guitar, Thom
Thom: yes, I'd forgotten I was holding it
(Thom sits in the last row of the car and plays his guitar trying to get attention from the camera)
Thom: let me play Fake Plastic Trees for you
(Jonny sings along and gets all the attention from the camera)
(Jonny starts to nod off)
(His eyes slowly close and he hugs coz and rests his head on his shoulder)
(The camera zooms in on this)
(Thom starts singing noticeably louder in the background)
(Coz is about to kiss Jonny on the forehead but then Jonny suddenly swings his hair so Coz ends up kissing him on the mouth)
(The camera zooms in even more)
Thom: HEY HEY! FUCK YOU
Thom: look at me! I’m singing and playing guitar! At the same time!
(Jonny doesn't notice anything and Colin acts like the kiss didn't happen. He pretends to be sleeping too)
Hildur: OH SHUT UP FOR ONCE, THOMAS!
(Jonny moans)
(Thom mumbles)
Hildur: sorry, Jonny
(The car drives into the sunset with Thom starting to hum How to Disappear Completely)
….and now the credits
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