Cold

I haven't smoked in years. If anyone found me out here with a cigarette between my lips, I'd have broken arms, but on a night like this, a cigarette is a perfect thing to have. I needed to chill out, I've been in a terrible mood all day. Ive been picking fights and being hostile towards everyone all day, so Ive been isolating myself wherever I can, for a few hours I've been outside in the backyard. i can't place anything in the dark except the railing infront of me, illuminated by the dull, red, glow of my unnecessary indulgence. I bend down and rest my chin on the wood railing of the balcony, letting my arms dangle uselessly at my sides. It has gotten increasingly cold since I've been out here, which is making me tired. My eyes have closed on their own accord, and the cool air messing my hair around was lulling me into a sweet place I never deny entering. I let my guard down entirely, nothing is bad right now, nothing even exists, simply because it feels that way.

It was the insignificant click of the back door opening that prematurely launched me back into reality. I'm too physically out of it to turn around and see which band member it was that came out to disturb me, so I stay put but listen very carefully.

Behind me I hear a "Tsk" and an sigh and oh its only Jonny.
I feel a gentle but serious bop to the back of my head, which annoys me, and I allow the cigarette to drop from my mouth over the side of the balcony before I turn around innocently. Jonny runs a hand through his hair and rubs the back of his neck.

"Why are you smoking?"
"Hm? Me?"
"Yes, Thom. Why?"
"I wasn't smoking, Jonny."
I literally spit those words at him. I don't feel like explaining myself to him at all, and I feel a lispy-lecture coming on. Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't, and this is one of those times that I certainly don't.

"Then why do I smell smoke?" Jonny puts his hands on his hips.
"Because you're flaming," I sing out and turn around, assuming the chin-on-railing-position once again.

This time Jonny actually punches me in the head, which actually hurts alot. It always shocks me when Jonny inflicts pain or doesn't control his temper. He never looks like he could hurt anything ever, and he is always so calm and nice, but he is also amazingly strong and apparently in a worse mood that I am in. I feel him burning holes in the back of my head before I hear movement.

My eyes move from my dangling arms to Jonny's as he too rests his chin on the rail. I strain to see him through the blackness and briefly laugh at him, as he looks much sillier having to bend down so much more to reach the railing with his face. He had a moody look about his face from what I could see, which also annoyed me right now. We don't say anything for a while, we just sit their and dangle pointlessly in the dark, observing nothing and feeling anger and cold. After a few minutes I notice that absolutely no light is penetrating the night, and I freak myself out with paranoid, darting thoughts, then get annoyed that Jonny won't leave me alone.

"Its...really fucking dark out here. If something bad happened to us, no one would see or be able to help us...i mean...well, wanna go in? You I mean, since you don't seem to get the hint that I want you...you know...gone?"
"Hm...I can so smell the cigarette on your breath, liar." Jonny moves his arm, scratches something and sighs. "Really Thom, its just sad. Your exceedingly more pathetic than I've ever realised. Its disgusting." I hear the tone in Jonny's voice and I wont stand for it.

I lift up my chin, which is now sore from pressing into wood, and i try to find Jonny's arm with my fist, muttering 'Fag', swinging one step at a time until my fist roughly strikes a body part. I got him in the ribs, my bad. He coughs and I hear him moving towards me. "Fuckin-!" he hisses and I feel an arm grab mine. I slap it away with my other hand and bounce back a few steps.

Im giggling to piss Jonny off, and its working. Im also laughing because Im more or less playing around, unable to take Jonny seriously. But If there is one thing Jonny can't do, its play-fight. He has told me that there is nothing playful about hurting someone you care about, and yet I promote the violence. I know he is angry with me, for smoking and for hitting him too hard and simply just because, and I know Im about to be beaten by a skinny, girly, man. I feel his arm brush past my face, and suddenly he has a handful of my hair.
"Oh shi!-" And then Im in a head lock. I feel Jonny rear his arm, and a fist strikes me in the ribs with the same force as I inflicted Jonny with.

He lets me go. "There, now we're even, lets st-" But I'm not done fucking with Jonny yet.
I wrap my arms around his neck and let my bodyweight akwardly pull us down to the floor. He really is getting frustrated, I can hear him breathing between clenched teeth. I have him pulled down but now im afraid to let go. He isn't holding back now, and digs his fingers into my sides painfully. My reaction to this is a knee to his gut, and his is to slap me across the face.

And now Im pissed. I slap Jonny even harder and attempt shoving him off, but the stinging on his face made him more angry than before.

A fist to my temple. I get him on the lip. A blow to my eye, I wrack his jaw. He's pinning me down, Im pushing him up. We even go for the hair like two drunken whores, scratching and pulling, and punching and forcing. Finally Jonny punches me straight in the mouth and gets my tooth. I whimper out and let go, very willing to end this now. But Jonny isn't. He takes me arms and pins them above my head, I feel splinters being launched into my skin everywhere now, and blood is pooling in my mouth. He has my arms with one hand. The other one has grabbed my face forcefully. It's amazing how strong Jonny is.
"Thom."
He jerks my face sharply left and right to gain my full attention.
"Thomas."
"What?" I sound like I'm about to cry, which I am, because my mouth hurts, and my eye hurts.
"Stop. Fucking. With. Me."

Sometimes I dont know what wrong with me, I can be a really fucked up person, and this is one of those moments where I could care less about self control or Jonny's stupid feelings. We do this all the time, I push him as far as I can and he takes it, the same as always. I smile big and chuckle, blood all in my teeth and on my lips. "Ooh, Jonny. Threatening me? Hm, oh no, Im fucked. Jonny, really now. Im only pretending to be weaker than you to make you feel better about yourself."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes." Its not true.
"Your stronger than me?"
"Fuck yeah." Nope, just not true.
"You really think so?" His voice sends a chill up my spine.
"Jonny, any one is stronger that you." Oh God I hope I come out of this alive.
"Then get me off of you, Thomas." Im about to piss my pants. He sounds evil right now. His grip on my wrists tightens, and they grind against each other painfully. He also plants his knee into my stomach, causing a sound to wheeze out from my throat.
"Oh, wow, J-Jonny. Is that all you've got? Hnnn-Your pathetic. What a puss-Ah! Oh Fuck!" Jonny presses his knee into my stomach very hard, and with a fistful of hair, pulls my head back further than it should go.

I can't breath in this position, just little huffs can escape my throat. He really was hurting me, but I dug my hole too deep, and said too much to back away now. "F-fffckn pssszz," I hissed out, words not fully formed due to the angle of my throat. He yanks my hair harder and my head goes back even more. I start gagging, no air this time. I try to use my legs to kick him away or to just wriggle around enough for him to let go. But Jonny moves his knee from my stomach and pins my legs down with his. This time the pain is excruciating. I pull my head up, feeling some hair being pulled out completely, and I moan as loud as I can to hint to Jonny that he is going to break my legs. He lets up on my head, but keeps a handful of hair just incase. "Oh fuck Jonny, my legs! Get off! Oh my God!" My kneecaps where sliding to the sides with his bodyweight and bony legs.
"IM NOT FUCKING PLAYING AROUND! GET THE FUCK OFF!"
"Im not playing either, Thom, do something about it."

I start mad-wiggling, and I flail my body up at his, though not very far. If it wasn't dark this would look very wrong, Im literally trying to hump Jonny off of me, but moving to harshly and my knees would pop for sure. He finally moves one leg off, I a sigh with relief, tears streaming my face. "Please move the other one, pleasepleaseplase." Im begging now, dammit. Jonny moves his other leg and pain shoots up my body. Im crying like a girl and whimpering, but the pain subsides. Jonny never let go of my arms or my hair. He is still very angry. "Still think your stronger than me?"

I could have said no. I could have told Jonny that, yes, he was indeed much stronger than I, and that would be that. I could cause the pain to stop now and never again would I be inflicted with it.

"No, your still a weak, girly, bitch." In that moment when Jonny's eyes sparked red with anger, I try to free my arms and lift my body up, and it seems like it is going to work, too. But Jonny slammed me back down effortlessly. It took me a second to realise that I was even back on the ground.
"Im gonna fucking kill you!" Jonny's face was so close to mine that I had nothing to focus on. "What is your problem? Why are you fucking with me? You know I hate fighting-" Jonny is actually really upset, but I dont at all feel sorry, I feel shocked, that something like this would become so serious to him when I was just playing around. I am still playing around and he doesn't see that. "-and I hate when you call me names and tell me I'm weak, when I'm not!" This sounded more childish than the previous sentence. "Just say that Im not weak! say that I am strong for once! Im not a Fag! Say it!!!"
"No."
"All you have to do is say that Im not weak."
"Nope."
"WHY?!" Jonny raises his voice alarmingly.
"Because, Im not giving up so fast. You'll have to get it out of me first. I have alot of tolerance for pain and force. And like I said, you're a fa-"

Suddenly I see a bright color and my head flies to the side. My cheek hurts and Ive concluded that I was just backhanded. Then Im flipped over on my stomach with my arms behind my back. The air is knocked from my lungs and my lips were still bleeding lot. Jonny sits on my ass and squeezes his legs together to restrain my legs. "Hhnnn...Jnn," I can't talk because he is pressing down on my upper back with all his strength. He lets up a bit. "What that Thom?"
"Geh...the-fuck-off....meeeee....queehr."

"Queer?! You-" I feel force and then I see stars again. He's punched my in the head in the same place as before, which hurt twice as much. I want to tell him to lay off the face and focus elsewhere, but I don't think thats how it works. "Your the queer one! No, your a faggot! Flirting with men openly in front of everyone! I never do that! I dont even flirt with men at all!" Jonny lets off of my back even more, I guess to allow me to explain myself. I have to catch my breath. "Well, atvleast i know I'm not gay...and thats better...than being locked in the closet like you..." Why was I doing this? Its not called for. I could stop any minute now. I could feel Jonny's pulse radiating throughout his body, anger filling every inch of him.

He Gets up, I twirl around and suddenly im on my back face to face with Jonny. He grabs my shoulders forcefully and jerks me back and forth. "Im not in the closet!" I push my face up towards him as far as I can. "Oh, so you have come out, then?-"

And then there is a moment of nothingness.
I feel nothing and see nothing and am nothing.

When I come to my senses, Jonny is straddling me, my arms are pinned above my head, and Jonny is kissing me so deeply and violently that I squirm in delightful discomfort. Any kissing is good to me, whether I asked for it or not. Somewhere in there, he worked my shirt up and my pants down, without it even occurring to me. It's so cold outside. Under any other circumstances, this is the worst weather to be in with your pants down, but it isn't long before Jonny's warm body crashes into mine, sending my physical state into a completely different direction. The feeling of hot, angry skin coming in contact with bruised and frozen flesh borders close to being burned with hot water after being in the snow all day. It is both comforting and torturous, mixing effectively with my wrists being twisted above my head and Jonny sucking blood from my swollen, busted lip. Everytime he runs his tongue across my open wound and draws blood from me to forfill his unnatural hunger, pangs of pain show colored lights inside my eyes, which blinds me even more in the dark. He pulls away and his face is hovering so close to mine that I swear I can almost see his eyes, coruscating with ill intent, displaying the true animosity that emits from his being. His mouth opens and his breathing is shakey.
While he tries to find the perfect words, he lets go of my numb yet stinging wrists, sending a pulsing shock of pain to shoot down my arms. His hands slide down to my thighs, where he slowly and forcefully spreads them apart. I know he can see my eyes and I know he is forcing himself inside me this way, molesting my mind and making me scream on the inside.
"You..." Jonny hisses at my face.
He lifts me up by my legs and gets underneath me, leaving my lower body in an awkward place. I could either hang my legs over his shoulders or I could plant them on either side of him, but he impatiently makes my mind up for me and over his shoulders they go.
"You..."
Is Jonny smiling? Is Jonny...Jonny? It's so dark and so afflicting cold. My face is buzzing, my lip is stinging, my arms are sore, my head is aching, I can't see what is going on.
Jonny's body is hovering over me, my knees are almost touching my forehead, and he is pushing me even more. My back is telling me that a man is not supposed to be in this position by straining and resisting. It takes me only a split second to conclude that my ass is bare. I should be cold there but I am not. Jonny is pressed up against me and then it dawns on me.
I don't even try to play coy with this, I flail and whimper, I use all of my last attempts. He tricked me into this position! This is wrong and fucked up and I won't let it happen. I even start screaming in hopes that anyone in the house would here me. My arms are no longer pinned, and I pull at his hair and push his face away, but he is too close to punch or strangle. Is he serious? He can't be, he's only pushing the limits. Crossing the line. Showing me how fucked up he could be. Thats all.
Jonny spits. I hear it. Then I hear the sound of rubbing and he shifts his body above me. With one hand my arms are pinned again, and the other is below me.
"You deserve this."
I feel myself being pushed into the air in an awkward thrust, cold air rolling over my stomach, and there is a pain inside me unlike anything I have ever, ever felt. Never in my life have I been so desperate to get away, never in my life have I felt so ruined and small. I hear my voice hitch in fear, I scream and he covers my mouth with his. He bites as hard as he can on the cut in my lip to distract me with a worse pain, blood spills down my chin and on his face, and he pushes himself all the way in. Im crying like a baby at this point, choking on tears and holding my breath.
This is not a good feeling it's wrong it's backwards I can't handle it I never asked for this I dont deserve this it's too much.
I hear Jonny try to speak, or maybe laugh, or something. I can hear how shaky his voice is.
"Awe, Thom. This hurts me more than it hurts you."
It's getting way too cold for anybody to be outside, let alone to be doing this. We are both shivering violently and struggling to use our bodies at all, and yet Jonny is numb with the desire to hurt me the way everyone hurts him. The only thing I can see in the dark are his eyes. He slowly pulls out of me, then slams into me again. When he pulls out again, it feels like I could actually jump up and run away, but when he fills me up again I'm pinned to the spot. All the while I feel violated and exposed and embarrassed. I wanted him to stop, I wanted to run and never come back, but he has me down, Jonny is so much stronger than me.
"Its not fun is it? This is what your words do to me! Does it hurt, Thom? I hope you suffer the way I do!"
Im suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to die. This is too wrong and tortuous to inflict on one man out of no where. Desperate sounds were emitting from my throat and suddenly I am struck blind with sorrow. Why did it take this for it to occur to me? I have never felt so overwhelmingly sorry for saying what I've been saying all these years to Jonny. He is only doing this because of me, he was driven to this point. I feel terrible. Between uncontrollable sobs, I try to speak.
"Jonny! I- ," its quiet and strained and Im shivering too hard but he manages to hear it. He stops in mid-thrust, interested in what I am going to him in my situation. I can't help the tears freezing on my face so I just ignore them. "Jonny, I-I'm s-s-so sorry. Im so s-sorry. I didn't thi-ink, It nev-ver occured to m-me. P-please...please....forgive..." it is just too cold to speak. The wind has started up again. I feel like Im going to pass out and hope I do. Jonny hasn't moved yet, his eyes off somewhere else, his body is shivering and he is breathing deeply. When we do make eye contact I see in him utter depression. I see confusion and bitterness and sadness. But then I see relief and gratification. Im not at all sure what Jonny's next move is going to be, and it sems he is going stay this way forever.
"Thom-" Jonny lowers his face and kisses me. It's soft and nice, and mostly its warm which is fantastic right now. I way too cold and way to confused to allow or prevent anything from happening at this point. He is kissing me everywhere, all of the cold being canceled out by his lips and Im covered in goosebumps. He brings his face back up to mine.
"That's all I wanted to hear. I just wanted you to realise what you've done."
He is kissing me again, deeper and hotter than before. We are both crying. He is wrapping his arms around me and Im doing the same, particularly because we are going into hypothermia, and partly because we both need it. I snuggle as tightly to him as possible, which means I have to push myself down on his erection again. I briefly feel grateful to be underneath Jonny Jonny with a warm dick in my ass. I bury my face into his neck and push myself all the way down until Im fully impaled onto Jonny. His face is now buried into my neck, and he is moaning. I just can't do anything wrong when it comes to sex, not even this. Then it isn't so cold anymore, and our bodies are moving against eachother. This doesn't feel right in general, but at the moment its the perfect thing.
It has started to snow. When it falls on our bodies, it melts instantly. For a while, Jonny is moving in and out of me very slowly. I don't feel any pain but it doesn't feel good either,it's just awkward. Then I feel a cold hand reach down between us and grab me. I didn't realise that I even had an erection, but when Jonny matches the movement of his hand to that of our bodies, I feel blissfully inhuman. Suddenly I understand how two men can do this, because I've never felt anything like it. The awkward feeling of being so full and taken becomes a luxury. As he strokes me I arch my back and I want him deeper and I want to feel it more. Jonny is biting my neck and trying to remain quiet, but Im not. It feels so good. I can't believe it. I gasp and moan and hiss and I don't care who finds out. I pull up when he pulls out, I push down on him when thrusts into me. I try to push him inside me as far as I can each time, almost desperate for the pain I had felt earlier. Im rolling in ecstasy and so is Jonny, whispering my name and hugging me tightly. I can feel both of us building and I know Im close.
"Please Jonny, faster." Jonny increases his hand speed, but I reach down and stop him. "No, I mean...fuck me...faster..." I remove his hand from my cock, and cold air laps at me uncomfortably. He is looking at me now, wondering if I mean it or if I'm just saying it. "Please...fuck me as hard as you can, even if it hurts, just do it." Jonny hesitates still.
"Jonny, I deserve this, remember? Tear me up, teach me a lesson." Looking grateful, and not wasting anymore time, Jonny begins pumping into me harder. He presses his forehead into mine and our bodies are pounding into eachother. That beautiful pain returns and Im screaming out. It is so dark and cold. Jonny is pulling my head back and biting me, leaving marks all over my neck and chest and its so good I want it so bad. I can only see Jonny's eyes and hear our bodies slapping together violently, and I can't control it anymore. A burning sensation is engulfing me, swelling inside and growing wildly. Jonny tries to grab my dick again but I won't let him. I want to finish without being touched. With a few more violent thrusts, I cum all over Jonny's stomach and mine, which instantly freezes, but we dont care. I reach up and grab his a fistful of his hair. He crashes his mouth into mine while my body uncontrollably writhes and thrusts upward. This has to be the longest lasting orgasm I have ever had, and I'm grateful. Jonny is moaning in my mouth and shuttering and I know he is close, too. I stop his thrusting by pushing him back, because I want to ride him into an orgasm. I move myself up and down as hard as I can, and it doesn't take long. Right when I feel hot fluids shoot out into me and his body starts to jerk, I reach up and bite Jonny's lip, drawing blood. Pain mixes with pleasure as Jonny cries out, rolling into me and losing himself the way I did.
We lay there numb and ruined. The snow melting on Jonny is dripping onto me. Neither of us try to move or speak. The wind plows into us and Im sure it's dangerously cold. A light in the house flicks on and I know someone is about to walk outside.
"Jonny..." I hear a muffled groan in my neck. Oh well, if anyone finds us I'll just deal with it. He moves his lips to my ear and whispers, "So, Thomas, have you learned your lesson?" I can't help but smile, which rips my lip open again. "Yeah, Jonny, Ive learned." He lifts his head and there are his eyes again. "Well?"
"I learned Jonny, that we are both fagots." We both hear the back door creak open and we have a hell of a night ahead of us.

ENDINGZ.