Breaking Down

After searching for more than two hours, getting more and more anxious each minute, he found him. Hunched in the corner of the dark store room.
“I’m sorry.” The words barely came out.
“Don’t be. I was just a little worried.”
“No, I’m sorry. I heard you running up and down the stairs and I knew you were searching for me. I wanted to call you, but... I just didn’t have the energy.” The last part was more of a sigh.
Jonny felt like he was towering above him, so he kneeled down, more or less face to face with him.
“It’s ok.”
All was silent for a few moments. Then Jonny got up and closed the door, leaving the two of them in pitch dark.
“Thank you.”
Jonny didn’t know if it was for shutting the door or for just being here. So he went over and positioned himself crossed-legs in front of Thom and remained silent.
After a long pause, Thom spoke again.
“They aren’t working anymore.”
“Your pills?”
“He promised they would work. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. Fucking American doctors. I want Jennings back.”
“Just a few more weeks, Thom, you can do it.”
At these words, Thom took a shaky breath. With a raw voice, but the same even expressionless tone, he continued.
“You see, Jonny, that’s the point. I can’t. I really can’t. My mind poisoned my body and now it gave up. There’s nothing I can do anymore. It’s over. If I wanted to get up now, I couldn’t. Not that I’d want to. I can’t even cry anymore, Jon.”
At times like these, Jonny wished that he had finished his psychology degree. Chapter six, paragraph two. How to cheer up a person that has given up on all levels. What he hated the most, was the feeling of complete helplessness. The one person he loved the most was breaking down and he just couldn’t do anything right. He was useless.
“I’ve been pushing you away, haven’t I,” Thom said.
Great, Jonny thought, on top of all misery I’ve made him feel guilty.
“Thom, please don’t worry about me, you haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t concentrate on what you’re doing or not doing, just try to give your mind some rest. I think that’s what it needs the most right now. Just try not to think at all.”
He moved to sit next to Thom against the wall and threw an arm around his neck, and Thom put his head on his shoulder.
“Not to think at all,” Thom repeated faintly.
They stared into the darkness for the next few minutes, before Thom broke the silence again, this time a little more determined.
“I’m going to tell you something I normally wouldn’t, but I feel like it’s the only way now. I can’t possibly do what you tell me to, put my mind to rest, unless it’s out. I don’t care if it changes everything, I don’t even care what your reaction is anymore, I just want some rest. I’m so tired.”
Jonny didn’t say anything, afraid to say something that would put Thom’s mind off of telling him. The thing he really wanted to do was take him away, away from it all, shield him from whatever was making him suffer. But he just repositioned his arm around him and took Thom’s slack hand in his, playing with his pinky.
Thom took a deep breath, and Jonny just had time to think that maybe this was more serious than he expected before it was out.
Had he really said it? The sounds were still echoing in the room. He had to be sure.
“Can you... say that again?” He tried to make his voice sound as apologising as he could.
“I’m in love with you.”
Jonny’s heart stopped. As much joy this should have given him, the only thought that was racing through his mind was: ‘It was me, I was the one that made him like this, it was me he was thinking about all along. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.’
“Oh Thom,” he managed to squeeze out of his throat before wrapping both arms around Thom, holding him tightly against his chest. Thom took his arm from under Jonny’s grip and circled his waist. They sat like that for a moment.
“It’s quite disturbing, really. In love with a boy, my best friend, my bandmate... I’m sorry, I still think of you as a boy.”
Jonny let out a choked laugh, which gave away that he was crying.
“I’m sorry, I’m such a wuss,” he apologised, wiping away his tears.
“Why are you crying?” Thom asked.
“It’s nothing.”
“No, tell me.”
“It’s just that I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I really am,” he answered.
Thom was silent for a moment. Apparently he hadn’t expected this reaction.
“Do you really not care at all about my reaction?” Jonny asked.
“Of course I care, it’s just that you can’t disappoint me anymore. I’m too far gone for that. So just tell me how it is.” Thom sighed and sat back up again, hugging his knees.
“Ok, I’ll tell you how it is. I know how you feel. Better than you think. In love with a boy. Best friend, bandmate. I know. I know because I love you, Thomas. I’m in love with you. So please don’t be miserable over me. Just love me back, that’s all I’m asking.”
Thom fell silent again. He didn’t speak for at least a minute. Jonny barely heard him breathing.
With a soft, uncertain voice, he finally turned to Jonny again.
“I don’t know what to do, Jonny. I don’t know what I should do. This is not good. Nobody can ever find out. It would’ve been better if you didn’t have feelings for me at all.”
Jonny was taken aback by this.
“What...” he sputtered, “you can’t... how... you’re not just going to ignore this, are you?”
“Jonny, please don’t be mad,” Thom said. He sounded exhausted.
“I’m not mad, I just...” Jonny changed his mind. “Look, let’s not talk about this right now. You’re tired, you need sleep. Just don’t think about anything right now and sleep.”
He pulled Thom’s limp form in his lap and cradled him in his arms. Thom didn’t even respond anymore and just rested his head on Jonny’s chest, the warmth of breath going through Jonny’s T-shirt.
Just when Jonny thought he had fallen asleep, a faint voice filled his ears.
“Jonny?” Thom sounded at his most fragile.
“Yes, Thom?”
“Can I kiss you?”
Jonny considered this.
“Do you have the energy for it?”
“I’m willing to try,” Thom added, smiling.
He put his hand behind Jonny’s neck and pulled him down slowly. His hand travelled along his stubbly jaw until it rested right next to his mouth.
Jonny could feel the faintest of sensation of lips touching his and shivered. He pressed down more and felt Thom reciprocating. The latter pulled back and murmured “Have I told you how much I love your lips? Especially this one.” He pushed himself up and captured Jonny’s lower lip between his. Whilst sucking he slowly ran his tongue over it and Jonny couldn’t hold back anymore. Their kiss was a deep kiss, slow and long, both savouring this moment of honesty after a long time of denial and hidden want. When it ended, they both felt it was enough for now. Thom put his arms around Jonny’s waist and fell asleep within minutes, this time with a soft smile on his lips.